To be at the end of my tether with him?

[Auldgregg]

I have a 22 YO DS
He had severe anxiety and OCD. He never managed to complete his GCSEs and has never worked due to anxiety and a couple of overdose attempts whenever I encouraged him to live his life and find a job.
Its got to the stage now with increasing bills where I can no longer afford to support him.
I get £1650 pcm and bills are:
£800 mortgage
£150 council tax
£180 gas and electric (due to increase)
£45 water
£40 life insurance and critical illness cover
£9 mobile phone
£14 tv licence
£12 netflix
£45 broadband
£150 fuel to work and car insurance
£30 buildings and contents insurance
Leaving under £45 a week for food and anything extra like clothing or toiletries.

Jobs closer to home are paid much less so changing my job isn’t viable.

I’ve explained I can’t continue like this when the energy prices rocket and he said I chose to have kids and that he’s ill and I should take care of him!

I said he’d have to get a job or move out (he refused to sign on) and he threatened to kill himself again. We argued, I said he’s not manipulating me any more and he shrugged and said well, I can’t cope with work so…and walked off.

I don’t know what to do.

What an awful situation for you. It sounds like you’re terrified of your DS hurting himself and at the same time, hating that his lack of action is manipulating you to support him and go without to fund his lifestyle. Are you paying for his phone/hobbies/clothes etc? I’m wondering if there’s a way to make him feel the need to get a job. With your outgoings, you have very little left over and could use the rising cost of living (especially utilities) as a reason to cut off some of his resources. Position it as out of your control, so that he’d have to take some action to continue to fund the things he wants.

Have a look at the Mind website. You can apply on behalf of your son for benefits:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/money-and-mental-health/claiming-benefits/

Quote "Can’t afford to live on a carers allowance as that would be considerably less than my salary!"

Sorry I didn't mean you to claim carer's allowance and just because you don't claim it that doesn't mean you are not a carer. You are a carer and should be entutled to an assessment by social services to see what help you need. It's actually more about what help your son needs but a way for you to start to access without his input is through your role as a carer a right to be assessed for support (practical not financial).

E.g. you say "as a carer I am at the end of my tether. I cannot cope providing for my son financially or with him never leaving the house. He has mental health needs and as we are in crisis he is at risk or becoming homeless."

Then (I hope) an assessment takes place that finds you need help to get your son on benefits including disability benefits and help to find him meaningful engagement.

Then (again very hopeful) the social worker helps/supports his benefits claim. Encourages and helps him to link up with agencies that can support him to engage in volunteering/work/education. Also encourage engagement with mental health services/GP/meds.

It is your son that should be able to access benefits but he can then help contribute to the house. E.g. if he was claiming universal credit and disability as well as weekly income he would be entitled to cost of living payments.

You also need help to get him out of the house in a supported way.

You have a lot on your plate and you need to seek and demand help.

What a waste of what should be an exciting time of his life. I worry if you apply for Pip or carers allowance, he will totally give up and think he doesn't need to make an effort to get well.
Do you feel like his threats to kill himself are manipulation? If so, I'd call the crisis team everytime. It seems like you're doing everything for him while he's not making any effort to get himself well. I'd consider limiting his access to WiFi, he needs to have some input into how he sees his MH improving.

Has he given any thought of what he would do if you were to die (God forbid)?

Sounds an impossible position, he won't help himself to change the status quo, but you can't carry him the rest of your life.

As for getting a second job - well that sounds like he's taking the piss rather.

Could he be sectioned?

I think you need to get him assessed for asd and have to get him on disability allowance and to the doctor asap and know trying to get him to do all those things are soo difficult as understand completely. He does not want to be like this and probably feels absolutely crap that he cannot get on with living his life but he is stuck and that is why I suggest the asd assessment as it will be worth the money. Am waiting for my adult son to have one also as he has struggles. I hope you can sort things out and get him some help that will benefit you both but I would not kick him out as he cannot cope with life and it would be unfair to him. He cannot function as most people can so tough love will not work here. Have you got doctors notes and apply for the disability allowance and see if you qualify for careers allowance also. Ring citizens information as they will give you whatever you need all the info about that.

Hi OP, sorry you're in this situation. He is being completely unreasonable and self centred both are symptoms of his poor mental health unfortunately.

Could you have a Google and find a local mental health charity who would advocate for him and help fill out the PIP forms? If he is deemed so mentally unwell that he can't work then he won't be hounded to find a job - he wouldn't even be signing on if he's awarded PIP.

You really can't cope with this alone, speaking from experience here, my brother basically bullied my mum in her own home due to his anxiety/depression/paranoia, until it got so bad she had him removed. Things got much worse before they got better, would be better not to get to that desperate a situation.

Please look for a charity to help apply for PIP or whatever the latest name it is.

Clearly with your subsequent posts he is incapable of work and it's more than being lazy.

Wow this is a hard situation to be in. I also have a 22 year old son. He works and pays me each week to pay for bills etc. He has been down lately and reduced his hours but still gives me rent. Its hard because you don't want to push them too much, I moan because he doesn't help much with housework but could be worse. I feel for you I really do it must be such a worry. Please get some advise and see what benefits or help he can get.

1.Contact social services to ask for help even if it's only sign posting to the relevant agencies as he needs more than just anti depressants and counselling.

2.If he's been like this long term since secondary school he could actually have ASD/ADHD/ADD etc

3.He needs to apply for PIP and ESA.He may be eligible for UC.

if he has mental health issues apply for pip - if he is assessed as not being capable to work he won’t have to sign on. He may then be eligible for help to get him back on his feet.

But you need him to cooperate and understand he needs to claim financial support.

How "mental" is us mental health? Sounds like he's abusing and guilt tripping you. Every adult is responsible for their life. You have tried your best, now reconcile yourself to washing your hands of him and tell him he is at liberty to fo with his life as he pleases. Including ending it, as tragic as that will be . Then ask him to leave. If he doesn't, kick him out and don't listen to the excuses.

Could you change the router and Netflix password?

I don’t think he needs to go to the job centre to apply for PIP? I am an appointee for my dc and I filled the form in and did the assessment interview over the phone as they are not able to do that.

These mental health issues seem a very convenient way for him to not have to work and to live off you. He sounds very manipulative and it sounds like he is emotionally abusing you. I'd boot him out tbh.

@Auldgregg

I couldn't link the PP (@Winter2020) post
to this but your comment about not being able to survive on carers allowance was in response to the post suggesting you ask for a carers assessment.

They are different things.

You are legally entitled to a carers assessment. You are his carer. You also work.

This assessment will identify your needs and it will flag his needs for a full social care assessment.

I think you can self refer, but the referral might be better coming from your GP.

The other thing you can do is register as a carer with your GP surgery. This will help you get the right information. It also helps them help you.

You can work and care for someone without claiming carers allowance.

The other thing your son is still entitled to is education. This doesn't have to be formal qualifications. It can be a quiet supported environment to help him gain social skills very gently. The gaining of social skills and skills towards independent living is classed as education. You can apply for this under an EHCP which is an Educational Health Care Plan. This can be applied for and run until 25.

It sounds very much as though the GP needs to review his mental health with a view to referring To the CMHT community mental health team (adult). He is very much in need of an assessment.

Can you get a form from his GP for him to give you permission to talk to them on his behalf? He'd have to sign it.

This is the first step to getting him help. He's not in a position to help himself. Especially if he's soiling himself with anxiety when he tries to leave the house.

He will definitely qualify to receive PIP. You can advocate for him as he's mentally unable. He, again, has to appoint you as his representative, it's another form from PIP.

All these benefits are a battle sadly.
You are entitled to 25% off your council tax bill once he gets PIP and you declare the caring you do to the council. You are also entitled to it once he's back in education.

Make a list and speak to your GP (after getting him to sign the consent form for you to speak to the GP).

Sorry, this is a lot of info. It's such a sad situation. He's really slipped through every net and you both are at real risk of the situation deteriorating significantly.

I've got one like this too op. He gets PIP and UC unearned income and has been assessed as having limited capacity for work. Have you/he (I know it's a full time job just getting them to do all of that with you op) looked into that? You can get a council tax reduction if he's deemed a vulnerable adult.

Thanks such great info! Thankyou

I can't help wondering what his reaction would be if you broke down and told him you can't cope with him anymore and you are going to commit suicide?? Although in saying that what you said about him wetting himself when you tried to get him to leave the house, it does seem that his emotions and mental health situation are genuine. We recently found Citizen's Advice to be very helpful, you can contact them online, and then they will call you to talk through what you need help with. I'd also be tempted to see the GP on your own behalf, as you surely must be depressed yourself with all this going on. I do hope you can get some help and support soon OP, as your life really sounds miserable right now.

Sending you a big MN hug!

I can under that you are very frustrated with him, OP, but he clearly has severe and ongoing mental illness. It is unreasonable to expect him to just pop down the job centre.

You don’t seem to have responded to those suggesting PIP and ESA? Do you not truly see him as ill, but rather as irresponsible and therefore can be kicked out? He may well be both, of course. The way he is speaking to you is unacceptable, but he is also in an awful situation.

MH services are appalling. It’s frustrating that he didn’t go to his counselling, but how had this been allowed to go on so long without you contacting social services, carers’ centre, benefit agency, someone outside of the situation? Perhaps you have, but your insistence on the job centre suggests that you are minimising the severity of his MH problems.

Get rid of Netflix and the broadband. Stop making it so desirable to be at home every day.

No internet. No tv, see how well he mopes then.

I agree.

Brilliant and helpful post, @toooldtocarewhoknows.

Unfortunately the authorities won't give a shit about him being homeless. Most of the young men on the streets have MH problems. Under 35 yrs they are only entitled to a room in a shared house.

MH services are non existent in most of the country and young men at the back of the queue.
Suicide is the most common cause of death in men under 40.
I currently have my 34 year old son back with me as he had a crisis and was evicted and suicidal. He was sleeping under a bridge. He is a father of 3. thats a whole other thread
OP I totally sympathise..its a horrible position to be in.