AIBU hoarding ashes/remains?

[AshesAnnon]

Name changed as this is outing enough already let alone if it's linked to my other posts.

I am wondering if it's unreasonable for someone to 'hoard' ashes or remains after someone passes, and whether there is anything that can be done about it.

DHs grandfather (on his mother side) passed away earlier last year, this is a man who pretty much raised him so has been hit hard with the loss. Unfortunately his grandfather didn't have a very up to date will so it was done after his two children were born therefore didn't include grandchildren, both MIL and her brother are named as sole beneficiaries and his solicitor was the executor.

He did stipulate he was to be cremated but nothing in addition to this.

Here is the issue, MIL and her brother do not get on at all. They had a massive falling out decades ago and are completely estranged, had to have separate arrangements at the funeral and everything, we are NC with MIL but pretty close to the uncle. However DHs uncle has decided to keep his father ashes, he is currently storing them in his larder at home and has no intention of doing anything with them.

He is also not allowing anyone else 'access' including DH. We aren't even officially supposed to know he has them at home. He has told everyone he scattered them and won't tell them where.

AIBU to think you can't just hoard someone's ashes, they 'belong' to more than just DHs uncle and it would be helpful for the grieving process for people to be able to have 'somewhere' to remember him, can't gather once a year outside of the uncles kitchen window to pay respects for example.

I'm just not sure if there is anything official that can be done to sort this, as I'm not sure if remains count under the will in terms of MiL and the uncle having to 'split' everything.

Legally, I'm not sure. Morally this is reprehensible though.

Have you explained the emotional damage this is doing directly with your uncle? This would feel like the first place to start.

Anyone that uses someone's death to get revenge or hurt somebody else has a screw loose IMO.

Doubt he’s obligated to do anything with them legally. He’s not hoarding them -he’s storing them and I don’t reckon your DH has any right to them, harsh as that seems. Stinks that he’s lied about scattering them but suspect the only person who could step in is an executor? In the absence of any direction made in his will there’s little to do.

Do you know who arranged the funeral and signed the paperwork, that might make a difference. I would call the solicitor who was the Executor and the funeral director for advice. What reason does uncle give for not laying the ashes to rest, what does he intend to do with them when he dies. It seems really bizarre and unkind, it wouldnt be so bad if he had a nice urn on display but keeping them hidden in a larder is really weird , whats the point., did gf have a special place that he liked to visit where your dh can visit and remember him.,

How do you know he has them if you’re ‘officially’ not supposed to know?

Could the ashes be divided so the uncle could keep some and the rest of the family can scatter them as they wish?

it sounds really tough on your DH but we're talking about his uncle's father here. TBH i don't think wills necessarily need to be rejigged after grandchildren are born.

Is it just for a short while, while he comes to terms with his loss?

Tbf, my mil ashes are on top of a wardrobe. We aren't stopping anyone having 'access' though (DH is an only child and she didn't have a partner) and we are saving to take her to Greece to a specific place she wants to be scattered, so we don't intend on keeping her there long term. Could the uncle have a plan to scatter them in the future maybe?

it would be helpful for the grieving process for people to be able to have 'somewhere' to remember him, can't gather once a year outside of the uncles kitchen window to pay respects for example.

You don’t need the ashes to do this. Plant a tree or pay for a bench in his memory and “gather” there if you must. And forget the ashes.

If your DH is in contact with his uncle I think he should sit down and talk to him. Ask him if, when the time comes, he would like to be interred with his father's ashes, or maybe he would want to be cremated and the ashes scattered together.
Approaching it with the attitude of kindness and sympathy might get you further.
I still have my son's ashes. He loved the country of DH's birth and if DH dies before me, they will both go back to the family plot there together.
My friend kept her child's ashes for years, then buried them with her late husband.
People do have reasons for finding these things difficult. He may just be being bloody minded, but perhaps not.

I used to think I would split or scatter ashes fairly quickly then DH died. Now I am not ready to scatter him or split his ashes and I understand the uncle's POV. Can you plant a rose or something or go to a favourite place to remember him instead?

I agree that a tree or a bench would be a lovely idea.

I don’t see a ‘need’ to scatter ashes. Someone might keep them to go in a grave with themselves.

My stillborn sons ashes are on the shelf in our living room, which is where they will be staying for at least another 20 years, when I would hope he would have been flying the nest anyway. My mum has asked to be scattered with him when I am ready so that he is not alone and she's happy to wait on the shelf indefinitely when her time comes (she's only 62 so I'm hoping we've got a number of years left yet!).
He has two stars named after him as well as a dedicated tree in a national park, a granite stone at DHs football teams ground plus a Just Giving page which is currently sitting at over £30k thanks to DHs annual charity drives and I myself have hand painted memorial stones for each set of grandparents which are displayed in their gardens (FIL and SMiL bring theirs in at Christmas to sit under their Christmas tree).
There are many ways to channel grief and remember the ones we love. You don't necessarily need to have a grave or spot where their ashes are scattered.
If the uncle feels the need to have his father's ashes close by, it's very understandable. Maybe other options for the family to remember him can be explored?

Don't think he's obliged to do anything with the legally.
He's not hoarding them though, he's got them. We still have my dads 10 year on.

By not allowing access, do you mean he's not letting you see them? Or take some?
Taking some is different whilst still going through the grieving process. And it is his dad.

As others, plenty of other things you can do to remember him by.

Ultimately, these are his own father's ashes and if he wants to keep them, he can. Keeping ashes instead of scattering them isn't that unusual; some people feel more comfortable hanging on to them.

Legally, your DH was not named in the will and has no right to demand the remains. The fact that your DH's uncle has them rather than your MIL suggests that your MIL didn't want to be a named contact for the funeral arrangements, as you would usually get a call from the undertaker letting you know that ashes were ready to collect and it must presumably have been the uncle's details they had as the person authorised to collect them.

It is reasonable that your DH would like to scatter the ashes. It also reasonable that his uncle would like to keep them, however, and the uncle is the deceased's own child so probably is the one who gets to make the choice, as it appears the only other person named in the will (ie MIL you don't speak to) didn't want to be part of the arrangements if it was the uncle who was given the ashes in the first place. It's between MIL and her brother to decide what happens with them and if your MIL won't engage, I don't there's anything you can do.

I have a lot of sympathy for someone not wanting to let ashes go.
My ex husband has our son’s ashes and periodically threatens to scatter them against my will.
I am struggling to handle this at all.

I think that your dh is going to have to find another way to grieve. In this case the uncle does have priority over your dh in terms of what happens to the ashes. Could you look in to planting a tree or placing a bench with a plaque where you dh could visit and channel his grief there? After all the ashes, once scattered disappear so it's really an act of symbolism and having a place to visit isn't dependant on the ashes being there. Hope that doesn't sound harsh, it isn't meant to l, just trying to be practical.

Does Mil even care? The decreased’s “lady friend” sounds like a real stirrer.

*So the fact he lied about what he did with them makes me think he won't like the idea of sharing them around unfortunately

We are NC but I feel pretty bad for MIL in all of this, it's her father too and she should have just as much of a right to the ashes as the uncle does*

Has he lied to get people off his back for abit? If he's been asked all the time where they are, what you done etc it'll be doing his head in, let's be honest.

Your NC with your MIL in too so let her and her brother sort it. Even if they are NC nothing to do with you right now I'm afraid