AIBU hoarding ashes/remains?

[AshesAnnon]

Name changed as this is outing enough already let alone if it's linked to my other posts.

I am wondering if it's unreasonable for someone to 'hoard' ashes or remains after someone passes, and whether there is anything that can be done about it.

DHs grandfather (on his mother side) passed away earlier last year, this is a man who pretty much raised him so has been hit hard with the loss. Unfortunately his grandfather didn't have a very up to date will so it was done after his two children were born therefore didn't include grandchildren, both MIL and her brother are named as sole beneficiaries and his solicitor was the executor.

He did stipulate he was to be cremated but nothing in addition to this.

Here is the issue, MIL and her brother do not get on at all. They had a massive falling out decades ago and are completely estranged, had to have separate arrangements at the funeral and everything, we are NC with MIL but pretty close to the uncle. However DHs uncle has decided to keep his father ashes, he is currently storing them in his larder at home and has no intention of doing anything with them.

He is also not allowing anyone else 'access' including DH. We aren't even officially supposed to know he has them at home. He has told everyone he scattered them and won't tell them where.

AIBU to think you can't just hoard someone's ashes, they 'belong' to more than just DHs uncle and it would be helpful for the grieving process for people to be able to have 'somewhere' to remember him, can't gather once a year outside of the uncles kitchen window to pay respects for example.

I'm just not sure if there is anything official that can be done to sort this, as I'm not sure if remains count under the will in terms of MiL and the uncle having to 'split' everything.

Honestly I don’t believe there is anything you can do. The funeral directors and crem would have released them to whoever organised the funeral as the contract is with that person and not the deceased.

can I please ask why this is weird? How else is it possible to compromise if people disagree on how ashes should be treated?

Personally, I find it quite disrespectful to just shove ashes in the larder. Or in the garage/shed/loft/back of a cupboard. Apparently lots end up in those self -storage units. No dignity there, in my opinion. I've left instructions with my DS that my ashes are to be scattered as soon as possible, wherever he would like.

How would you compromise if it was a burial? As PP said, you're hardly going to give out arms and legs to suit all the family members. You don't need to compromise. People need to find other ways to commemorate and if this family wasn't so determined to fight with each other, that's what they'd do.

Scattering ashes without permission is illegal though and many of the popular spots refuse permission because of the volume of requests. So you're actually leaving DS a problem there. If he just does it (which I'm sure is what usually happens) he has to do it on the quiet.

Tricky. I’ve got my dad’s, but only because my uncle (who paid the funeral director) emailed the funeral place to direct them to release them to me. My dm didn’t want them. I now have no idea what to do with rather a lot of ashes and wish I’d left them! We also have my fil’s ashes-they’re next to each other in gift bags, as provided by the funeral directors.

If you have a decent relationship with the uncle, can’t you just say you want them and Dh will scatter where he thinks appropriate?

It isn’t a burial though. It is easy to say find another way if you are not the one having to deal with it.

It’s difficult, isn’t it? What do you do with a big jar of ashes? We decided on a place for my pil’s ashes but when we went to check it, it’s now all overgrown with nettles. We’re going end up moving with both lots! It can be done fairly easily on a walk, where we walk the dogs is remote enough not to be caught but I can’t decide if I want to split my dad’s between his favourite places.

I have my mother and brothers ashes. Many in my family have asked for some and I have denied. We are Catholic and ashes are not supposed to be divided or scattered. I plan to have them buried in the family plot when my children leave for uni. These discussions took place with my mom while she was alive though. I am sorry for this distress and agree planting a tree or something else would help. Who knows why he is doing this if not for religious reasons.

I think he has every right to keep them, however if that's what he wants, then the generous thing to do would be to split them. It gives everyone close an opportunity to feel they said goodbye.

Hardly ‘hoarding’ OP 🙄

I think the lady friend sounds like a shit stirrer and it sounds like she couldn't wait to tell your dh that. Why was she at the uncles house going through stuff anyway? If her relationship with the granddad was that serious to the point she's visiting his brother who nobody seems to like so long after her partners death and she also your husband her favourite grandchild, could she be acting in jealousy and frustration that he didn't leave her anything in his will either?

Nothing good was ever going to come of her rushing to tell your dh, apart from cause more upset and sadness. I would not copy her behaviour and then open up contact with someone who your dh has chosen he doesn't want in his life.

I am no contact with my own Dads wife and stepson and her parents and knowing where my dads ashes are is meaningless, I can't go there on the birthdays and anniversaries of his death etc because there's a very good chance my stepmum and stepbrother would turn up and start on me. I went the first few years after his death and I was on high alert expecting the family im NC to turn up and at best, verbally abuse me and at worse, physically assault me. I had a bad relationship with my dad and it's better for my MH to reflect and celebrate doing something on my own with my own family where there's no chance of hostile interactions at an already hard time.

The stress of more family feuds and fights as well as opening up communication with dhs mum will probably be all for nothing as I don't think you can force the ashes off him. You'll just open wounds for his mum, end up with dh and the shit stirring lady friend being the bad guys too.

I've repeatedly mentioned she wants to do an ashes scattering

ah sorry - you're OP. The nc hasn't helped seeing your posts easily.

Seems to me, as there is conflict of wishes here, the only fair thing would be for everyone involved (MIL, DH & Uncle & mabybe FILs Girlfriend) has a frank and calm discussion to find a solution? There is always a solution, sometimes only one person has to compromise, sometimes all have to compromise on a small thing. But there is a solution.

But on top of the ashes, for your DHs sake, he needs to try to stop focussing on those and try to work through his feelings. It's a hard thing to lose your father, and this kind of stress on top doesn't help.

So, you are NC with your MIL as is her brother. So clearly she’s not a very nice person or you’re all being unfair to her.

If the former, then there are likely good reasons why your uncle does not want to resume contact with her in order to discuss the ashes. NC is just that. No contact. None. Ever. She’s brought that on herself presumably?

As for dividing up the ashes, I agree that it’s a weird thing to do. After all you can’t bury bits of a body around the country, ashes are no different.

Based on these types of threads I’m tempted to just put in my will that my ashes be buried at wherever my cremation occurs (“I’m having a direct cremation and not a funeral.” That way there can be none of this bickering of stuff which doesn’t actually even represent me any more.

If the family is as fractured and confrontational as you say, having one spot where everyone tuns upon the significant dates would surely be a disaster?

One of the problems is there isn't a good answer. Friends of mine buried their mother's ashes in a plot at the crem. A significant amount of money and you only get the plot for (I think) 10 years so then the family is faced with the decision of paying again every 10 years or abandoning the ashes (you can't have them back).

I forget how much it was, but it was enough that it caused significant hardship and friction between 3 adult siblings who otherwise got on well.

Oh god. I am so sorry to read this. That is beyond cruel. I am so sorry for your loss.

How we describe events shapes our understanding of them. You’ve talked about hoarding, and the disrespect of storing the ashes beside the flour in a larder. I can fully understand why this feels so upsetting.

But other posters have offered alternative explanations of these motives. It’s wise to assume that people are operating out of largely decent motives. And in truth, very few people go around being spiteful.

Losing a parent is very hard, and often more so when the relationship has been strained.

Try out different versions of these events - maybe keeping the ashes close by in the kitchen, keeping him in the heart of the home instead of shoved in a larder.

Or maybe they are shoved in a larder because he needs more time to come to terms with a relationship that can never now be repaired.

Maybe they were out in the open, and he was talking to them everyday and shoved them out of sight of prying eyes?

At the end of the day, the love and memories your dh holds of his gf are in his heart, not in an urn.

I hadn't heard of it either as a thing. But I did it myself when I lost a close family relative and people had very different ideas of what they wanted to happen to the ashes. It felt like the fair thing to do. And it actually felt totally ok when I did it. I think it did for everyone else too. We all got a say in how to say goodbye. All I would say is that it's a good approach in circumstances like this.