AIBU hoarding ashes/remains?

[AshesAnnon]

Name changed as this is outing enough already let alone if it's linked to my other posts.

I am wondering if it's unreasonable for someone to 'hoard' ashes or remains after someone passes, and whether there is anything that can be done about it.

DHs grandfather (on his mother side) passed away earlier last year, this is a man who pretty much raised him so has been hit hard with the loss. Unfortunately his grandfather didn't have a very up to date will so it was done after his two children were born therefore didn't include grandchildren, both MIL and her brother are named as sole beneficiaries and his solicitor was the executor.

He did stipulate he was to be cremated but nothing in addition to this.

Here is the issue, MIL and her brother do not get on at all. They had a massive falling out decades ago and are completely estranged, had to have separate arrangements at the funeral and everything, we are NC with MIL but pretty close to the uncle. However DHs uncle has decided to keep his father ashes, he is currently storing them in his larder at home and has no intention of doing anything with them.

He is also not allowing anyone else 'access' including DH. We aren't even officially supposed to know he has them at home. He has told everyone he scattered them and won't tell them where.

AIBU to think you can't just hoard someone's ashes, they 'belong' to more than just DHs uncle and it would be helpful for the grieving process for people to be able to have 'somewhere' to remember him, can't gather once a year outside of the uncles kitchen window to pay respects for example.

I'm just not sure if there is anything official that can be done to sort this, as I'm not sure if remains count under the will in terms of MiL and the uncle having to 'split' everything.

My mum died in 2010 when i was 20, i was adamant her ashes not be split or scattered, even though my aunt (mums sister) wanted some to scatter in her garden. She told my dad to just give her some and never tell me. Thankfully my dad agreed with me, as her next of kin it was his call, and so my mum is here, in her home, and whole. To this day i can't stand the thought of splitting her up, let alone scattering her, not knowing where she ends up and being unable to get her back.
The way i see it, you wouldn't cut up a body that was being buried and give people parts to bury in their gardens etc, nor would you throw that body part in the trash. So why does it make any more sense to split ashes or throw them into the wind, they certainly don't stay where you "scatter" them. If the uncle was the legal next of kin then it is his decision, he doesn't want to split or scatter, your husband needs to respect that.

I wouldn't say anything, your going to make everything 100x worse

Why would you even want access to the ashes? What would you do with them? Very morbid. Just let it go.

Honestly I know it's hard, but leave him to it. They're a collection of dust and soot in a box, not the memories or rights to remembrance. As others have said, plant a tree, or a bench or what have you, and use that as your focal point for remembrance and grief. If he'd have scattered the ashes and you knew where they were, you'd be visiting a site, not his actual remains, which would be long blown away in the wind. So make a choice for where you would like to remember him and make that the place you go talk to him, remember him, say a prayer or whatever you choose. You don't need a box of dust to do all that.

Families get very strange during times of grief. My uncle arranged for my grandparents ashes to be spread without telling my side of the family. I was, and still am, devastated many years later. I feel he prevented me from that final goodby and I have no idea where he spread them. So I totally know how your DH feels.

Could you go around to the Uncles house and have a chat. Don’t know if it will work but I would hate for anyone to have the anguish I’ve had with it

Who’s NC with who here? I.e. who went NC?

Reality is that if you cut off contact with someone then you can’t expect them to communicate with you when it suits you, iyswim,even on matters as emotive as this.

And if someone goes NC with you then you shouldn’t expect them to break that contact for any reason. People have their reasons for going no contact, but NC is just that, no contact.

At the end of the day you can have a memorial to remember someone by. Truth is that he’s gone. And when you’ve scattered the ashes they will also be gone.

Personally I don’t agree with splitting ashes, so if it was a relative of mine I wouldn’t agree to that and would be keeping them and maybe arranging for them to be scattered together. But if I wasn’t ready for that then tey would stay with me.

I, eventually, scattered DH's ashes and haven't told anyone where, it's illegal in most places so I was hardly going to have a public ceremony.

You can "pay respects" at any of DGF''s favourite places, you don't need the ashes.

I don't think it's unusual for them to be kept at one person's house either.

I hate the idea of splitting up ashes too, for me they do need to go in one place, but you do get a lot of "material", it's not a handful to be discretely scattered somewhere and you can't just do it anywhere.

Perfectly reasonable to hang on to them until you're ready and take your time deciding what to do with them IMO.

Sorry but these are the ashes of his father and ultimately he has more of a say with what to do with them. I think you are holding onto this in order to validate your grievance but you don’t need the ashes to be scattered in order for your DH to remember his GF.
Some people chose to scatter them, some people split them, some people think the thought of splitting them is horrendous and some keep the ashes at home as it brings them comfort.
You should be encouraging your DH to let out his grief in a healthy way, not at the expense of someone else.

Comfort your husband and stay out of the rest. Honestly I cannot get worked up over ashes...or bodies for that matter....or "places to gather" ...and I think that you would be happier if you didn't get worked up either. If nobody was worried about the ashes, the power that the uncle seems to have over you would vanish.

Do you know who signed the contract with the funeral director and paid for the cremation. Does his uncle know The pot stirring lady friend has told you he has them. Dh needs to talk to his uncle and ask why he lied and does he have plans for them but he can remember gf in his own special way without the ashes.

He doesn't have more of a right than his sister though.

But how do you even know what the sister wants though if your DH is no contact with her? You actually have no idea what she wants or would be happy with, you are just using her as leverage for what you and DH want.
He is allowed to keep the ashes of his father at home if he chooses. Reducing what he is doing to “hoarding” is unfair.

I would think that the ashes "belong" to whoever paid for the service, or if it was paid by the estate, the executor of the estate.

Maybe the uncle isn't ready to let them go yet. Maybe he thought it was easier to say he spread them than to say he wasn't ready yet, because he didn't want to be harassed by other family members about the ashes. I wouldn't say anything to MIL and I would just let this go.

My sister has her deceased boyfriend's ashes in a vase in her sitting room - his sister has asked for at least some of them but my DSis won't budge. I don't think there is any legal issue with ashes - if your uncle is keeping them you might all have to move on and find another way to remember him. I like the pp suggestion of a park bench, that would be nice.

I think you need to do something yourself minus the ashes. Maybe a memorial bench somewhere special that you could sit and remember him by.

Whilst it is spiteful and morally wrong for one person to keep the ashes in a secret place, I don’t see you can do much about it.

Concentrate on the good memories and don’t let other peoples poor behaviour tarnish them.

He doesn't have more of a right than his sister though

You're probably right, but this is between the uncle, MIL and possibly the executor/solicitor. Unfortunately for your DH, he has no say in this.

How are you so sure about what MIL wants if you are NC with her? As hard as it is, I think you need to leave this alone. The weeks/months following a death are very hard for everyone, often decisions are made that in normal times you wouldn't even consider. Perhaps try to encourage your DH to find his own way to remember his GF. The ashes belong to someone else, and there's not much your DH can do about this. But it's really not unusual for one family member (NOK) to keep the ashes at home, even if others think something different should be done.

Really sorry for your DHs loss, it's a difficult time for all, and emotions must be running high.

Gosh you all sound delightful. Keeping ashes at home isn't "hoarding" and if you want to pay respects, there are any number of ways you could do it without making it someone else's fault that you don't

I've never heard of ashes being shared around, that's a really weird concept to me.

We are also talking about MILs father
She isn't even allowed to see them or access them
We are NC but it's not just the grand children who are blocked out.

You haven't made any indication if MIL wants them or not, and since you're NC with her, i don't see why it's of interest to you except to berate a grieving son? I get that you personally don't share the uncle's opinion. Unfortunately, you have no rights here, and nor does your husband. In your shoes? I'd try to get your husband to focus on something else before this escalates uncontrollably.

"hording" ashes isn't A Thing.