AIBU hoarding ashes/remains?

[AshesAnnon]

Name changed as this is outing enough already let alone if it's linked to my other posts.

I am wondering if it's unreasonable for someone to 'hoard' ashes or remains after someone passes, and whether there is anything that can be done about it.

DHs grandfather (on his mother side) passed away earlier last year, this is a man who pretty much raised him so has been hit hard with the loss. Unfortunately his grandfather didn't have a very up to date will so it was done after his two children were born therefore didn't include grandchildren, both MIL and her brother are named as sole beneficiaries and his solicitor was the executor.

He did stipulate he was to be cremated but nothing in addition to this.

Here is the issue, MIL and her brother do not get on at all. They had a massive falling out decades ago and are completely estranged, had to have separate arrangements at the funeral and everything, we are NC with MIL but pretty close to the uncle. However DHs uncle has decided to keep his father ashes, he is currently storing them in his larder at home and has no intention of doing anything with them.

He is also not allowing anyone else 'access' including DH. We aren't even officially supposed to know he has them at home. He has told everyone he scattered them and won't tell them where.

AIBU to think you can't just hoard someone's ashes, they 'belong' to more than just DHs uncle and it would be helpful for the grieving process for people to be able to have 'somewhere' to remember him, can't gather once a year outside of the uncles kitchen window to pay respects for example.

I'm just not sure if there is anything official that can be done to sort this, as I'm not sure if remains count under the will in terms of MiL and the uncle having to 'split' everything.

No respect, no care about what the deceased would actually want

If the deceased had been that bothered he’d have said what he wanted. He didn’t tell his children or his “lady friend”.

So basically you don't know for sure if he hasn't scattered them Your grandfather's friend saw the box in the larder but didn't see inside it?

He has the ashes. It gives him comfort. Noone else has the right to them

Has the gf lady friend suggested any solution to the uncle, has she told him that the family now know he has them and that he has lied and this his sister and family would like a scattering ceremony. Legally they may be his if he arranged the funeral.

*We are NC but his siblings are not, we get emails every now and again from her too. We know what she wants to do with the ashes, and at present her way of dealing with them aligns more to what we would want.

So it's deciding whether to tell her he still has the ashes. As that is a gamble*

It's a very difficult situation. However, it's really not about what you would want to do with the ashes. You shouldn't be deciding to tell her just because it aligns more with what you would want. It's about what uncle and MIL want to do. I appreciate that she doesn't know he has the ashes, but are you prepared to risk your relationship with the uncle for MIL, who you are NC with? Only you can decide that.

Who are 'his siblings'? Do you mean there are more siblings besides uncle and MIL? Do they know about the situation, or is uncle lying to them too?

For what it's worth, I don't think ashes form part of the estate, so there's no requirement to share them as part of the will (unless it's specifically referred to as part of the funeral arrangements in the will, and even then I don't think it's legally binding, just a preferred wish)

Because it's the remains of a person, a whole person. It just seems oddly morbid to have bits of them here, there and everywhere. Disrespectful to the deceased as well to be arguing about them.

I get that it is disrespectful but if there is no agreement how can it be solved?

Then either leave it as they are and wait until uncle dies or the family put their grievances to one side and an independent person like a Vicar performs a ceremony in a neutral place. This is if the ashes are even stored in a bag or urn that can be scattered and not in a sealed container. The lady friend needs to fess up to the uncle and tell him she has told the family that uncle lied and has the ashes and wait for the inevitable fallout..

"Ladyfriend" isn't a term I'd use for some who had been in a 30 year long relationship.

So dhs grandfather and his partner of 30 years raised him because, for whatever reason, dhs mum and dad couldn't or wouldn't raise their own child. During that time the grandfather and partner never once thought to put provisions in place should they die to make sure the remaining parental figure and child they are raising are looked after and instead he chose to keep his will the same, leaving the lad he's raised and partner of 30 years out of any will?

Did he really never think about what would happen to the child he was raising and how his partner would manage alone if he were to die? I can kind of understand understand if he didn't have any will at all and it's a case of it automatically passing to children which is what happens if there's no will but you say he didn't change his will. I've been with my dh for over 20 years.

It sounds like your reasoning for bringing mil into it isn't because you have her wishes and wants at the front of your mind but because you see her as useful in getting what you (understandably) want for your own dh. You'd have told her already if you were coming from a place of what's best for mil and what she wants, you know she will be hurt and angry enough to kick off and fry and get those ashes and I kind of think getting back in touch just to use her to get something you want without any thought about the emotional impact on her is unreasonable. Why can't the partner of 30 years tell mil what she knows? If it's about letting people upset at thinking the ashes have already been scattered know the truth she'd tell her too or was the grandad and his partner of 30 years also no contact with mil?

Dhs uncle not liking his own Dad doesn't mean much, you dh doesn't like his own mother either. If he ended up with her ashes he should also be allowed to hang on to them if that's what he wished. If family were demanding your dh hand over his mothers ashes on the basis he didn't like her, would you expect them to back off?

The grandfather might have been a brilliant parental figure to his grandson but it doesn't mean his adult children had the same experience.

He'll probably choose the garden of remembrance at the crematorium. We've already made these arrangements for other family members. So no issue there, and no undignified storage locations for my remains.

How long do you get the plot for? Friend's mother went in the garden of remembrance, but after 10 years they and to pay££££ to renew. It caused terrible friction between the three adult siblings because it was a lot of money to them. One wanted to raise the money whatever way they could and the others just felt it was impossible/unecessary, but if you don't do it you don't get the ashes back.

Have you had sight of DGp will? Did DGp specify if he wanted his ashes scattered anywhere? If the ashes were released to DUnc then presumably he organised the funeral as they wouldnt give them to just anyone who turned up at the crem. If he's lied about scattering them (because of the ongoing family rift) how do you know whether your DGp didnt stipulate that your MIL wasnt to involved? Your problem is how to approach him about maybe sharing the ashes.
Or maybe planting a memorial tree or plant a place DGp loved in lieu of scattering ashes?

I think you need to remove yourself from this op,

How long do you get the plot for? Friend's mother went in the garden of remembrance, but after 10 years they and to pay££££ to renew

You needn't necessarily have a plot. You can usually just have a witnessed or unwitnessed scattering of ashes in the Garden of Remembrance at crematoriums. Both my of my grandmas, and my dad are scattered at the same Garden of Remembrance. We didn't attend the scatterings, just said our goodbyes at the funerals. There are no headstones/plaques, and we've never visited (other than for other funerals). But it's comforting to know that they are all together among the roses.

So where does your MIL think the ashes are, OP?

Yes, this.