I'm pregnant and SIL wants involvement. AIBU?

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My SIL (DH's sister) has always kept me at arm's length despite my attempts to have a closer relationship. Even though I have found her withdrawn attitude to be rude sometimes, we have never had a fallout and have remained more or less courteous to each other. On the occasions that I have asked my DH about why she puts such a distance between me and herself, he has always said that this is what she's like and that it's her choice.

It's not like I was suffocating her either, I just wanted to have normal SIL interactions—talk about stuff in common (we have a few things), be kind and friendly to each other, share mildly personal stuff, show some interest in one another. However, during the many years we have known each other, she has made it abundantly clear to me through her apathy that she has no desire to interact more than is strictly necessary. Questions such as "how was your trip?" or "do you like your new job?" are frequently answered with monosyllables while she browses IG. We have friends in common and I know she acts VERY different around them, which is very puzzling, but whatever (they think she's very extroverted and friendly). I have tried to go out for lunch/ a coffee/ shopping with her and it has always been awkward.

This is something that I found hard to accept at first—and needless to say, extremely bizarre—as I didn't understand why I was being rejected, but I am now totally at peace with it and I respect her need for space. There is a mutual understanding that we are family, not friends, we help each other if needed and we see each other at family gatherings, but that's about it. I am actually happy with this arrangement now.

I am now pregnant and her attitude towards me has changed drastically. She's very friendly towards me, she's checking on me frequently, she is suddenly sharing personal stuff with me. She even hugged me and said she was super excited to be an aunt, which was shocking. This makes me very uncomfortable because for me nothing has changed and I don't feel like sharing anything personal with her, including details about the baby. It even seems to me that she now wants to be closer with me so she can have access to the baby? She fantasizes about being a "cool" aunt and I guess that can't happen if you don't have a normal relationship with the mother of your nephew/ niece. I know I might sound petty, but I feel that she should have seen the importance of fostering good family relationships many years ago instead of pushing me away, which I found hurtful at the time, and now it's too late. Unfortunately, I now find myself resenting her for deciding when and how my friendship means anything to her. AIBU? How should I deal with this tactfully?

I should mention that she is not very close with DH at all, although they they care for each other deep down I guess. I get the feeling that she as well as the rest of the in-laws find it easier to interact more with me in order to have a relationship with him as they all have a history, if that makes sense. I believe that they are all thinking that this baby will bring everyone closer together and we'll play Happy family. I am not entirely comfortable with that kind of pressure and just wish to enjoy my new little family in peace.

What kind of history with his family? I think that context is key.

However you are absolutely within your rights to not build this new relationship how she wants it. She put the wall up but it will take both of you to take it down and I think you are suspicious of her motives. Does your DH have any thoughts?

What does your husband make of it? If they all have history, is her association of you with the family the problem (ie she doesn’t like her family and you are now part of said family) and she’s now finally ready to make peace with them (and by extension you).

I think kids need their Aunties (unless they are toxic of course) especially girls and especially in their teens. Some things are just easier with your Aunty - we already see this with my daughters and also my nieces, who are all still primary school age.And I see what we missed out on, growing up on the opposite side of the world to our own aunties.

I think it is worth giving her a chance, for your babies sake, but I would want to ask her about it, make sure she isn’t going to turn around and be all distant again. Your baby doesn’t need that in their life even if cool Aunties are good for you.

Also uncles and boys - my husband and BIL are both integral parts of my nephews world. More than me his blood relative. It means nothing when I say boys can wear pink/cry/not be macho. But he listens when one of his cool uncles says it.

I wonder whether she has grown up a bit? Perhaps before she saw you as settled down and equated you to 'boring' family member.
yes, she sounds like a selfish nob but I'm fairly sure I was when I was younger.
I would let her in and give her another chance. She might surprise you.

I know someone like this. Total narcissist. When her DB produced a kid, suddenly there was a starring role for her as the cool aunt.

It's a tricky one. On one hand, people like this are brats and there will be odd behaviour (e.g. trying to get your DC to love her more than you (I'd lay money on it with these characters) or using your DC like a doll and not respecting the complicated, powerful feelings of little ones.

On the other hand, I'd fucking kill for some family support and my frenemy is actually very very helpful to her DB and genuinely does have a fun relationship.

You could just wait and see. And at last the tables have turned. You can be monosyllabic now!

You could also call her out on it.

Oh and you don't have to be that cool to be listened to. My aunts weren't but they all appeared to be calmer and more measured than my mum.

Likewise my nephews and nieces would tell me things they wouldn't necessarily tell their parents. Luckily for me it wasn't stuff that was major but more teenage anxiety stuff.

Anyway as the baby isn't here there is currently nothing for her to be involved with.

Just because your SIL has decided to change her tune doesn’t mean you’re obligated to dance to it. Think about what you want, talk to your dh, and figure out a plan forward.

It may be bluntly texting, “SIL, I’m content with our previous level of contact, and am not interested in changing it after (however many) years.”

Or it may be choosing to invite her over to discuss what’s happening vs what the past behaviour was.

Or, your husband stepping in and telling her, “You've barely acknowledged my wife before. Her being pregnant changed nothing. Leave her be.”

At the end of the day, it boils down to, what do you want? Your husband is clearly not fussed about a relationship with his sister, so there’s no need for you to put in more effort than he does.

Family dynamics vary. I don't spend a huge amount of time with my siblings spouses/partners, but was quite happy to babysit, and now older, to be the 'cool aunt' to the nephews and nieces.

In our family, it's a different relationship. I can take them along to sports and activities that their parents wouldn't.

And don't alienate a potential babysitter, you never know when you may need her. 🙂

Talk to her about it

I'd be interested to know the ages of the OP and her sil

Yes I think this would affect my view of it. If the SIL is quite young I’d be more inclined to be forgiving and think she’s grown up a bit than if she’s mid/late 20s or older and just been a dick before.
Let’s face it we all have moments from our teens and early 20s that we’re not proud of!

Keep her at arms length & crack on.

Regarding their history - I believe they didn't get along growing up, specially during their teens, when they fought and said some hurtful things from which neither of them have recovered and probably never will. It was not one isolated incident, of course—I think at the base of the problem lies a fundamental lack of mutual respect, so it's very tricky as adults to have a healthy relationship. Communication styles are very different and both are quick to take offense or feel critisised by the other.

I also believe the parents are to blame to some extent for the poor family dynamics.

Regarding the role of aunties, I have been thinking about this as well, but I am not sure if it's worth it. I don't even know if can forgive her to the point of accepting the closeness she desires now. Perhaps I should have a honest conversation with her, although I'm not sure how that would go.

I agree that she's now more ready to be part of the family or even to start thinking about us (her, me, DH, DC and PIL) as a family with holiday traditions and so on, so she has changed her perspective. I have to admit that that idea makes me uncomfortable and I just want some distance since I was taken for granted for YEARS. In my eyes, I have been relieved of the obligation of having to interact closely/ deal with any family drama that isn't mine. Her brother will always be her brother no matter what, but she doesn't seem to realise that a SIL is nothing but a stranger unless some efforts are made towards building a relationship. I can't help but feel like that ship has sailed a long time ago unfortunately. I am definitely wary of her intentions.

She's only a year older than me and we're both in our mis thirties. We have known each other for many many years.

It's an interesting one - I've noticed something similar with my SIL since my son has been born (and FWIW my husband also has a difficult relationship with her). I've taken the view that I'm never going to be friends with her but I believe she genuinely cares about my son/her nephew and she's (surprisingly!) good with him, so I will be friendly in support of that relationship.

“SIL, it’s nice that you’re excited about being an Aunty, but as we really don’t know each other at all, I’m finding your sudden enthusiasm really overwhelming.”

If you can’t talk to your sil face to face, perhaps saying something by text would be easier? I can totally understand your reticence. I wouldn’t, however, close the book on the possibility of your dc having an extra person to love and care for them. My dd has very few people to love and care for her. It’s very hard both on her and on me as the main caregiver.

Perhaps your sil put a barrier up to you because you are her brother’s partner and there is history, whereas now with age and you being pregnant she can see a way to change things. Or perhaps this is all about her. You won’t know without delving into this. If you do, I’d try to keep it simple.

I have said YANBU btw. But I think you would be unreasonable not to explore what is going on for the sake of your baby.

That’s a really good ‘in’.

I wouldn’t say anything. You might find she can’t keep up the enthusiasm and extra friendliness. I found my in-laws’ interest in my first dc lasted about six months.

My DH has two siblings, neither of which have especially made an effort to get to know me, outside normal family interactions and I haven’t them either. I wouldn’t dream of going for lunch with one of them, I didn’t know it was something I should be doing either.

DH’s siblings are men though, I wonder if you feel you should have been able to get this close bond if your DH had a brother rather than a sister. It all feels a bit womenfolk stick together to me.

Personally I wouldn’t do or say anything or even give it too much thought. Sounds like the realisation that she is going to be an aunt has dawned on her and she is pleased about it. Nothing wrong with that, your child will only benefit from having an aunty in her life (well probably will).

I’d tell her to jog on, very few people have a meaningful relationship with their aunts/uncles particularly when the aunt has bullied their mother.

I think she is seeing this is a huge photo opportunity for herself and if Instagram etc didn't exist then she wouldn't be interested at all.

Good point.

You sound quite immature. It's time you grew up and stopped taking everything so personally. Of course your relationship with your SIL is going to be coloured by her relationship with her DB. Maybe she hasn't wanted to share things with you, because she doesn't want those things shared with her DB.

Maybe try to see this as a positive. The thought of a new generation is causing people to try to move beyond the issues of difficult childhood relationships and make the effort for the sake of the new child.

Meh
The more people who love them your child has in their lives the better.
Set the pace yourself, but I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.
🎉 on your pregnancy