I'm pregnant and SIL wants involvement. AIBU?

[DooDooWap]

My SIL (DH's sister) has always kept me at arm's length despite my attempts to have a closer relationship. Even though I have found her withdrawn attitude to be rude sometimes, we have never had a fallout and have remained more or less courteous to each other. On the occasions that I have asked my DH about why she puts such a distance between me and herself, he has always said that this is what she's like and that it's her choice.

It's not like I was suffocating her either, I just wanted to have normal SIL interactions—talk about stuff in common (we have a few things), be kind and friendly to each other, share mildly personal stuff, show some interest in one another. However, during the many years we have known each other, she has made it abundantly clear to me through her apathy that she has no desire to interact more than is strictly necessary. Questions such as "how was your trip?" or "do you like your new job?" are frequently answered with monosyllables while she browses IG. We have friends in common and I know she acts VERY different around them, which is very puzzling, but whatever (they think she's very extroverted and friendly). I have tried to go out for lunch/ a coffee/ shopping with her and it has always been awkward.

This is something that I found hard to accept at first—and needless to say, extremely bizarre—as I didn't understand why I was being rejected, but I am now totally at peace with it and I respect her need for space. There is a mutual understanding that we are family, not friends, we help each other if needed and we see each other at family gatherings, but that's about it. I am actually happy with this arrangement now.

I am now pregnant and her attitude towards me has changed drastically. She's very friendly towards me, she's checking on me frequently, she is suddenly sharing personal stuff with me. She even hugged me and said she was super excited to be an aunt, which was shocking. This makes me very uncomfortable because for me nothing has changed and I don't feel like sharing anything personal with her, including details about the baby. It even seems to me that she now wants to be closer with me so she can have access to the baby? She fantasizes about being a "cool" aunt and I guess that can't happen if you don't have a normal relationship with the mother of your nephew/ niece. I know I might sound petty, but I feel that she should have seen the importance of fostering good family relationships many years ago instead of pushing me away, which I found hurtful at the time, and now it's too late. Unfortunately, I now find myself resenting her for deciding when and how my friendship means anything to her. AIBU? How should I deal with this tactfully?

I should mention that she is not very close with DH at all, although they they care for each other deep down I guess. I get the feeling that she as well as the rest of the in-laws find it easier to interact more with me in order to have a relationship with him as they all have a history, if that makes sense. I believe that they are all thinking that this baby will bring everyone closer together and we'll play Happy family. I am not entirely comfortable with that kind of pressure and just wish to enjoy my new little family in peace.

Ooh cynical!

But maybe right!

We had similar - suddenly my SIL was a lot more interested once I was pregnant.

i worked out eventually that various of her cool friends (much cooler than me, as she’d made clear for years) were having babies and she was feeling left out.

she didn’t really want a baby herself but she wanted to be able to chat about babies, and post pictures, and maybe eventually borrow a small child for fun joint trips to the zoo etc.

it wasn’t really about me, or my child, it was about her remaining “cool” and popular with the people she wanted to be friends with.

in fact when we moved further away she drunkenly told one of our mutual relatives that she might need to have a baby of her own now.

do you think anything like that could be going on?

Maybe she’s using the pregnancy as an excuse to be more friendly.

Maybe welcome her enthusiasm, but keep your boundaries. You say she wants ‘access to the baby’. How much access? Don’t let her dictate what’s going on, and what does a ‘cool aunt’ actually mean. I can see her demanding time with the baby, etc.

I had similar with my sister in law (although, unlike you, I was actually fine with it as I didn't really see us as friends). When I had dd, our relationship changed drastically and although I wouldn't say we are friends, we do spend more time with one another and she makes such a fuss of my dd, which to me is the most important thing.
I think you should try to keep an open mind and consider how this might be very lovely for your dc.

"DH’s siblings are men though, I wonder if you feel you should have been able to get this close bond if your DH had a brother rather than a sister. It all feels a bit womenfolk stick together to me."

You are right, had she been a brother I would not have expected to have the same bond with her, but neither would she (he) be trying to become my friend now.

At some level, I know that my kid will probably benefit from having a loving aunt and I'm hoping I can see that more clearly once I give birth. Right now my gut is telling me to withdraw.

I think you were of no interest or use to her and her relationship with her brother made you a conduit of her feelings for him.

This has gone on years and you have now accepted it.

She has put time and effort to be distant.

I simply wouldn't entertain her.
Simply maintain current contact and any further enquires by text/call can be left unanswered.

This is not about you, she has no new interest in you, but you now have something of interest to her now.

If you are not careful you will have her sticking her nose in and talking about her rights as an aunty.

Stick to established dynamics.
Do not share your business with her.

She has put enormous effort into being distant and that is really weird.

Keep her exactly where she has wanted to be for years in your life, very distant.

Simply do not acknowledge her efforts and should she be pushy tell her very plainly that you have busy lives and will see her at family gatherings with the rest of the family.

Personally I would not want someone with such a dislike of me for so long, around my baby.

I agree with this.

If she's a loving, caring aunt, which it sounds like she's excited to be, then surely that's the most important thing?

Yes, perhaps she's been rude etc in the past. But as long as she's realised that's not acceptable, and changes her tune then if you both can be civil and friendly for the sake of the child then I think that would be best.

To be honest, I don't expect my SIL/BILs to like me, or be my friend, however I do expect them to have a relationship with their niece and nephews. And they do, and in doing so, we have naturally become closer in that I can rely on them and this has been a massive help.

I wouldn't say anything to her. I understand it's been hurtful but I do think you have had very high expectations of what a SIL relationship should be, which was unrealistic given the dynamic between your husband and her.

I think you were being a bit sexist by expecting a close friendship with her. It feels quite suffocating to not want to be someone's friend and they keep pushing to do stuff with you. If it was a brother would you be trying to limit how much your child sees them as punishment for not being friendly enough? She wants to be a loving auntie so just let her. If you don't want to be her friend now then don't. Women are under enough pressure all the time as it is.

Honestly, it wouldn’t bother me. My SIL wasn’t really interested in me until I had my DD, she is the fun aunt and probably my DD’s favourite person, I love seeing how close they are, even if I’m not close with my SIL..

Like it or not for some in laws you're a stranger until you are the carrier of a family member for them.

It hits home sometimes that you are family as it's not unusual for this to occur, in laws who weren't overly involved then become better due to you having children

Your DH and she don't get on very well so of course she was a bit distant with you, the issue here is you're taking it out on your future child

The more people that love a child the better, don't let your issues with your SIL cloud this

@Riverlee I would put my foot down if that were to happen, but I doubt she'll be overbearing like that. It really doesn't sound like her to impose her presence on anyone as she becomes self-conscious when she's rejected. I'm sure it will be more subtle, which will make me more of the antagonist for claiming my space.

@DooDooWap this is a good option; you can change ‘overwhelming’ if you want to dig a bit deeper? Definitely talk about it though ‘why the change of heart or is it just the baby you’re interested in’ (not as blunt as that obviously!)

I don't think I explained myself clearly enough. The problem is not that she didn't want a close relationship with me in the past. My expectations might have been unfair, but I made peace with her choice already.

The issue is that she's now pursuing that relationship which she has repeatedly gone out of her way to prevent. It makes me uncomfortable and like someone already said, suspicious of her motives.

Hopefully you will see her in a different light once your child is here. For me, it’s been wonderful seeing my sons aunties and uncles interact with him and it’s made a lot of previous issues and tensions fade away. You’re focusing on your own hurt because of the lack of effort over the years which is understandable but I would try to be the bigger person and allow her to be involved and you will probably find your relationship naturally improves.

@Blowthemandown @Fraaahnces Yes, thanks for the suggestion both of you. I am going to give it some serious thought and perhaps discuss It with my DH. I might end up having a conversation with her.

You are entitled to keep a distance if that suits you. In practice what would that mean? For me i couldn't give one word answers while looking at phone like she did, so if she initiated conversation inevitably it would happen. Maybe as you talk you will be able to over look her past rudeness, maybe you won't I would just take it at your own pace. Don't go to extra effort to please her, also don't keep her at a distance out of spite.

If you would like a closer relationship then it might be nice to engage with her now. Understandable that you might not be ready to move on yet.

I am reading all of your replies btw even if I can't reply to every one of them—thanks everyone for sharing your perspective.

You were clear the first time, you got responses based on what you have said. I am now wondering if you are disappointed most people have not said keep your baby away from this vile woman at all costs.

There is nothing to be suspicious of, she is looking forward to being an aunt, you know most people are right? Don’t use your baby to get your own back that she didn’t live up to your SIL expectations.

I'm more in the situation where I'd like a closer relationship with my nieces but find navigating the complexity of the relationship with their mother too complicated.

She sits there flicking at a paper or the phone expecting us to bond with the kids, whilst barking orders. It's been very awkward. So bloody rude.

I have been sucked in a few times with the idea of a "closer family" but the contempt is still there. We had a spat a few weeks ago & tbh, I think I'm done.

I'm sure I'll get lots of guilt tripping but I'm fed up of the drama, even when it's unspoken, the gaslighting & the eye rolling/heavy sighing.

I'd leave facilating a relationship with the sil & DC to your DH. He knows the hidden sibling dynamics. I would be polite but keep your eyes open & see how it pans out. Definitely don't get too sucked in.

I'm really confused what you mean by suspicious of her motives.

She is making her motives very clear. She is excited to be an aunt, she is excited to spend time with her niece/nephew.

Tbh I think you'd have to be quite a bitter, selfish person to make this about you.

Sounds to me like she's stepping up as an aunt, and trying to support you through pregnancy as a SIL (any support through pregnancy would have been massively appreciated to me). Yet you're being quite childish about it.

Please do not let your child suffer because of how you handle your feelings. It is really not fair.

@Aprilx I'm sort of getting that vibe too.

Like OP is happy to have this excuse now to "pay back" her SIL. Feels a bit strange and uncomfortable tbh.

I wouldn't make any extra effort with her at all OP. See her as you do now and respond to messages when you feel like it. I wouldn't be up for her suddenly changing her tune now when she's known you for years.

Yes, I'd be suspicious of such a drastic change too.
I'd not say anything but just stay disengaged. Don't answer texts immediately and answer briefly, don't be available for long chats etc.
When the baby comes, then see how the relationship develops. You'll be able to assess whether she genuinely loves her dn or just wants an accessory for photo opportunities.

I’d be bothered too that someone who doesn’t appear interested in me in the slightest has a sudden change of heart and acts all friendly. This isn’t about her role as an ‘auntie’ but her flakey personality and the ramifications if she were to behave the same way to the kid in the future.

Your SIL made it quite clear that she wasnt interested and you accepted that, her choice and boundary.
Shes now changing the boundary and accelerating your relationship but not including you in that choice!
You mention family issues also
Personally this would be a no from me.
She cant decide to pick you up and put you down as she wishes.
From what you have said you are comfortable with the fairly distant relationship you have with her and whatever anyone else says its your choice also as to who you are friendly with.
Shes really overstepping your boundaries in pushing this and if you have a gut feeling then listen to it.
I would be polite but maintain the distance and relationship you have now.