I'm pregnant and SIL wants involvement. AIBU?

[DooDooWap]

My SIL (DH's sister) has always kept me at arm's length despite my attempts to have a closer relationship. Even though I have found her withdrawn attitude to be rude sometimes, we have never had a fallout and have remained more or less courteous to each other. On the occasions that I have asked my DH about why she puts such a distance between me and herself, he has always said that this is what she's like and that it's her choice.

It's not like I was suffocating her either, I just wanted to have normal SIL interactions—talk about stuff in common (we have a few things), be kind and friendly to each other, share mildly personal stuff, show some interest in one another. However, during the many years we have known each other, she has made it abundantly clear to me through her apathy that she has no desire to interact more than is strictly necessary. Questions such as "how was your trip?" or "do you like your new job?" are frequently answered with monosyllables while she browses IG. We have friends in common and I know she acts VERY different around them, which is very puzzling, but whatever (they think she's very extroverted and friendly). I have tried to go out for lunch/ a coffee/ shopping with her and it has always been awkward.

This is something that I found hard to accept at first—and needless to say, extremely bizarre—as I didn't understand why I was being rejected, but I am now totally at peace with it and I respect her need for space. There is a mutual understanding that we are family, not friends, we help each other if needed and we see each other at family gatherings, but that's about it. I am actually happy with this arrangement now.

I am now pregnant and her attitude towards me has changed drastically. She's very friendly towards me, she's checking on me frequently, she is suddenly sharing personal stuff with me. She even hugged me and said she was super excited to be an aunt, which was shocking. This makes me very uncomfortable because for me nothing has changed and I don't feel like sharing anything personal with her, including details about the baby. It even seems to me that she now wants to be closer with me so she can have access to the baby? She fantasizes about being a "cool" aunt and I guess that can't happen if you don't have a normal relationship with the mother of your nephew/ niece. I know I might sound petty, but I feel that she should have seen the importance of fostering good family relationships many years ago instead of pushing me away, which I found hurtful at the time, and now it's too late. Unfortunately, I now find myself resenting her for deciding when and how my friendship means anything to her. AIBU? How should I deal with this tactfully?

I should mention that she is not very close with DH at all, although they they care for each other deep down I guess. I get the feeling that she as well as the rest of the in-laws find it easier to interact more with me in order to have a relationship with him as they all have a history, if that makes sense. I believe that they are all thinking that this baby will bring everyone closer together and we'll play Happy family. I am not entirely comfortable with that kind of pressure and just wish to enjoy my new little family in peace.

@DooDooWap just to say, I’d be feeling just like you and I think she’s cheeky as hell!

Hm, well it sounds like she did accept invitations from you etc but that it was 'awkward' and chat didn't really flow. Perhaps she's just shy around people she doesn't know too well, or finds it hard to make small talk?

Maybe now the baby is coming there is something that is easier to chat about and bond over.

I wouldn't push her away. More love and friendship in our family relationships can only be positive.

Babies often bring a family together .If she wants to be involved thats a plus surely (lots of babysitting to be had!) Maybe take it slowly at first, see how things go?

That would really annoy me and I don’t think YABU.

I wouldn’t say anything but would keep her at arm’s length e.g. not reply to messages straight away, not go out of your way to talk to her or spend time with her. I’d see how she is when the baby arrives. It might be that her help is actually useful and your child will benefit from having a good relationship with her. Or she’ll just be wanting cute pics for instagram in which case you can distance yourself a bit more firmly.

Does she have children? If not, is this through choice or could she have fertility issues you are unaware of that might be part of the reason for her odd behaviour?

This.
Babies change the dynamic of a family or relationship. They do bring people together and grow love and kindness.
I get why you're peeved, but maybe take the olive branch (on your own terms) - your baby might benefit from having a cool aunty too.

I hear where you're coming from, I have 3 SIL who have treated me like you describe for years and now I have kids they totally ignore which really hurts them. I understand your personal feelings but if she genuinely wants a relationship with your DC I'd try and facilitate that if I could (without getting too close to her yourself) 🤷 💐

Where is your husband in all of this, has he made any effort over the years to improve things with his sister, which would have surely made your relationship with her easier, seems he's just taken a back seat.

Do you think she's realised that she's been distant & is trying to make amends? This is her clumsy way of trying to build a relationship with you all? If so, see how it goes when the baby arrives and make your mind up later.

Possibly but given the SIL frostiness to the oP previously i think its more likely the SIL will continue to ignore Op once the baby has arrived.
No thank you.
Dont allow yourself to be treated poorly op.
Relationships cant be turned on and off at whim.

This could actually be a great opportunity to build on your relationship and actually give you both something to talk about and bond over. Just because things haven't always been great in the past it doesn't mean they can't be in the future

She's clearly more into the baby thing rather than you personally. I take it she doesn't have children? I would wait to see how it develops but don't fret over it now.

I wouldn't be interested in getting closer to someone who suddenly wants to be closer after years of blatant rudeness when their motive is clearly to get access to something I have. Regardless, of what that is.

If they only want to be friends because you have something they want then they will also drop you like a hot potato when they no longer want it/need it/need you to get access to it.

We had friends who suddenly wanted to be closer when we got a summer cottage. We didn't fall for that.

One of my SILs put effort into her relationship with us when her kids were small. When they no longer needed babysitters she was no longer interested. One of my other SILs befriended some of our friends who were the only ones in the friend group to have a car. When she got a car of her own she was no longer interested in that friendship.

Both of those SILs wonder why I have several friends I have known and been friends with for +20 years whereas they rarely keep their friends for more than a couple of years. It isn't really a mystery for the rest of us.

are frequently answered with monosyllables while she browses IG.

Cute new babies are very instagrammable. Could she be hoping for the likes?

This would really wind me up - you weren't worth her making an effort before but now there's a baby on the way, suddenly she can bring herself to interact with you. I'd be continuing to interact with her in the way you did before you were pregnant and just ignore her messages - basically act to her the way she acted to you when you were trying to make an effort with her. Sure it's nice for DC to have relationships with aunts and uncles but not like this, I wouldn't let my child be a prop in her cool aunt fantasies.

I don't even know if can forgive her to the point of accepting the closeness she desires now.

'Forgive' feels like a pretty strong word here. She hasn't really done anything actively offensive to you, from the sound of it. She doesn't want the close friendship you would like, but that's not a crime. You say yourself that you've never fallen out or anything like that, just that you find her quite distant.

I suspect the distance there is because you are married to her brother, with whom she has a difficult family history and dynamic. It sounds like your DH's whole family have a tricky relationship, and your SIL has probably been wary of getting close to people in a family setting - you say that she's outgoing and cheery with friends, and I think the reason she is not the same with you is because to her, family relationships are something she associates with awkwardness, fractiousness, conflict etc. You say yourself that DH's parents are a bit shit, and I suspect that's really affected your SIL.

People can change. Maybe she's a bit more comfortable with herself and so on than she used to be and maybe she's less wary than she was. You being pregnant is a lovely thing, and she's realised that actually, family can be a positive thing. Honestly, I would embrace this in your position.

My mum had a pretty distant relationship with one of her sisters-in-law for about 30 years. Now, they are really close. Her SIL (my aunt) had a fairly tricky family herself growing up, and our family are very different to hers, and she did, to us, seem really standoffish. But she's actually lovely. She had her own issues and things changed over time, no big revelations or anything, but now she and my mum talk loads and about quite personal stuff. They're in their 70s now!

I get on 1000 times better with Sil since having dc. Our relationship wasn't like you describe yours but we certainly weren't close. However, family is important and people.who will.love your child are worth cherishing.

Personally, i wouldnt do anything. Let her be. Just because she's making an effort doesn't mean you have to do respond in a y way, positively or negatively. If she texts, respond if you feel like it but keep answers limited to whatever you are comfortable with and ignore/obscure anything else.

The proof will be when baby is here. If she is genuinely excited she eill be around and involved. And honestly, that's a good thing for tou and your dc. Babysitting, an additional person for dc to love and spend time with and learn from etc etc.

People learn and change throughout their lives, especially when a big event like a new family member comes around. It might be that you both have kids one day - I've certainly become closer to my SIL since we did.

I think YABU

Children absolutely change the dynamic of a family and will bring you closer together.

Me and my sister were civil but never got on exceptionally well but once we had kids we became best friends.

I notice with many of my family members I am closer to the ones that have children.

You will find your friendships will change too sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst.

I get why you’d be annoyed she’s not been interested before but this is what you’ve always wanted so don’t cut your nose off to spite your face.

She’s not don’t anything wrong as such and it sounds as though she’s always been pleasant but you’ve just not been as close as you wanted.

Are you a SIL with any of your siblings partners?
Are you very close to them?

A sudden about turn in the face of such plain disinterest and rudeness for so many years, must be very disconcerting.

Of course you are right to be very wary.
She dictated your relationship for years, her right, and now has overnight changed.

I think it is very understandable that you are finding her decision to have such intense interest now, a bit off putting, to say the least.

You do not have to accept her sudden interest.

You can be polite but keep her at the distance that is comfortable for YOU.

As things go forward you might choose to engage more, but the most important thing to remember is that you do not owe her a close relationship, just because she has decided it.

I think strong boundaries in this situation will ensure that you manage a healthy long term relationship with her.

@Aprilx I the message you're quoting I was actually replying to your first message under the thread only. Why don't you reply to what I said instead of randomly attacking me? You said it's "womenfolk stick together" and I was explaining that while you're right, she's now acting as if we are besties and the reason is that we are both women, so there's a "womenfolk stick together" logic at work don't you think??

Also sorry to burst you bubble but I am finding the majority of the replies under the thread quite educating and supportive. I think most mumsnetters understand where I'm coming from. I would never describe her as an "evil woman", please don't be ridiculous. She's just self-absorbed and it's extremely annoying that she couldn't be arsed to acknowledge me before. I already explained that I am thinking about discussing this issue with her.

Thanks @PollyRockets I think what you described is exactly what is going on here and I didn't see that coming at all. I don't want to interfere in the child-aunt relationship if she wishes to have one, but obviously during the first years the baby will be very dependent on my and my husband, so I suppose we would have to make the effort to become closer with her if she wants to be close to the baby (arrange lunch dates, share updates and photos, etc.)

@Sally872 I just can't open up to her about personal stuff and I can't pretend that we're suddenly friends. I am incapable of being rude enough to give one-word answers as well, but it's tense when she asks about things that I would normally only share with close friends and family. I really need to work this one out.

Nah I would keep her at arms length. She has shown you who she truly is. Sounds like she intends to be the cool aunt, posting about your baby all over SM, expecting some alone time with your baby and becoming a big problem down the line. As you have Said, nothing has changed from your side except you now have something of value to her. She has shown her true colors, so believe it!

I think @allthebikes is right, @DooDooWap. Maybe this new attitude on her part will enable you to have a better relationship with her - even if it's not the friendly relationship you hoped to have in the beginning.

And it ought to be a good thing for your baby to have relatives in their life who love them, so fostering a better relationship with your SIL would help enable that.

So my advice would be to let your guard down a bit - you don't have to tell her all the details of your pregnancy, of course - but you could tell her some stuff that you are happy for people to know. Maybe she will surprise you, and the relationship will improve - or maybe she will revert back to her old self. Either way, I don't think you will have lost anything by giving her a final chance.

@SunnyD44 Thanks for your reply, you might be right. I am struggling to find that long-lost interest that I once had though. I guess the problem is that she's setting the pace and I just have to adjust to whatever arrangement she decides that works for her at the time.

As for my siblings, I don't have any other SIL or BIL right now.

She's an excited Aunt to be. that didn't click with the OP not her fault. Maybe OP was too much.