I'm pregnant and SIL wants involvement. AIBU?

[DooDooWap]

My SIL (DH's sister) has always kept me at arm's length despite my attempts to have a closer relationship. Even though I have found her withdrawn attitude to be rude sometimes, we have never had a fallout and have remained more or less courteous to each other. On the occasions that I have asked my DH about why she puts such a distance between me and herself, he has always said that this is what she's like and that it's her choice.

It's not like I was suffocating her either, I just wanted to have normal SIL interactions—talk about stuff in common (we have a few things), be kind and friendly to each other, share mildly personal stuff, show some interest in one another. However, during the many years we have known each other, she has made it abundantly clear to me through her apathy that she has no desire to interact more than is strictly necessary. Questions such as "how was your trip?" or "do you like your new job?" are frequently answered with monosyllables while she browses IG. We have friends in common and I know she acts VERY different around them, which is very puzzling, but whatever (they think she's very extroverted and friendly). I have tried to go out for lunch/ a coffee/ shopping with her and it has always been awkward.

This is something that I found hard to accept at first—and needless to say, extremely bizarre—as I didn't understand why I was being rejected, but I am now totally at peace with it and I respect her need for space. There is a mutual understanding that we are family, not friends, we help each other if needed and we see each other at family gatherings, but that's about it. I am actually happy with this arrangement now.

I am now pregnant and her attitude towards me has changed drastically. She's very friendly towards me, she's checking on me frequently, she is suddenly sharing personal stuff with me. She even hugged me and said she was super excited to be an aunt, which was shocking. This makes me very uncomfortable because for me nothing has changed and I don't feel like sharing anything personal with her, including details about the baby. It even seems to me that she now wants to be closer with me so she can have access to the baby? She fantasizes about being a "cool" aunt and I guess that can't happen if you don't have a normal relationship with the mother of your nephew/ niece. I know I might sound petty, but I feel that she should have seen the importance of fostering good family relationships many years ago instead of pushing me away, which I found hurtful at the time, and now it's too late. Unfortunately, I now find myself resenting her for deciding when and how my friendship means anything to her. AIBU? How should I deal with this tactfully?

I should mention that she is not very close with DH at all, although they they care for each other deep down I guess. I get the feeling that she as well as the rest of the in-laws find it easier to interact more with me in order to have a relationship with him as they all have a history, if that makes sense. I believe that they are all thinking that this baby will bring everyone closer together and we'll play Happy family. I am not entirely comfortable with that kind of pressure and just wish to enjoy my new little family in peace.

I’d talk to her about it but honestly I don’t think I’d be interested in supporting a relationship with her beyond what you’ve got.

I totally hear your OP, you are right to follow your gut. I don't agree with any of this 'for the sake of the baby's future relationships'. The baby is yours, it will be your little family and I don't think there's any reason why you need to be in a situation you don't want to be in. You're teaching your child self-respect, boundaries, how to treat people right. My husband and I have been treated shockingly by some people in our lives, it would actually do us damage to try and Foster relationships that aren't there. Find your words if you want to speak to her, if not assert your boundaries in other ways and make sure to protect your baby too e.g if you don't want its photo all over social media etc xx

@DooDooWap - have you done any reading about powerful non-defensive communication? I think this could be a definite boon in your situation. It involves the technique known as 'grey rock', which contrary to the rude, distancing mechanism it's often touted as on Mumsnet, is actually a relationship-saver.

Susan Forward's book Toxic In-Laws (I'm not suggesting your SiL is 'toxic') teaches very useful strategies on how to deploy this effectively.

You are right to be wary. A likely indicator of someone's behaviour in the future is their behaviour in the past. PPs are over-romanticizing this in the suggestion that babies are sticking plasters which mean you're going suddenly to end up as loving as sisters. This isn't The Waltons.

I would certainly encourage her to have a relationship with the baby when s/he arrives, facilitated for the most part by your DH. This is his family: there's no need for you to take on the entirety of the wife work. But if she's going to be polite to you, there's no reason not to be cordial and to welcome her contact with your child, in the hope (rather than the expectation) that a loving aunty relationship will bear fruit. Were I in your shoes, then, and only then, might I be prepared to revisit my own relationship with her.

She doesn't get to pick up and drop those relationships as she sees fit. Proceeding with caution is therefore absolutely the common-sense response. To that end, her sudden attentiveness to your pregnant self would be met with politeness, but a healthy degree of grey-rock. I would certainly not be divulging my medical circumstances, birth plans, or due dates to her, or asking her advice about names and baby clothes, or expecting any form of 'support' with your pregnancy. You can get that from others who have been around throughout your adult life and marriage.

The accusations of childish behaviour on this thread are wrong, IMO. Welcoming her sudden about-face with open arms is what seems hopelessly naive in these circumstances. I'd also suggest that an open discussion (with the potential to become a confrontation no matter how tactfully you handle it) would be a mistake at this juncture. You can handle the boundaries effectively, without being overt about what you're doing, and time will take care of the rest. If things are going to fall into place in a more positive way, they will. And this way, there's far less possibility, when the interest in the baby stage has worn off, for it all to blow up into a shitstorm in which nobody wins.

It's a fine line, OP. Good luck, and congratulations on your pregnancy from a fellow-IVF mum, who knows how precious these times are.

@SleepingAgent @EmergencyHepNeeded Oh I don't know... I really hope that is not the case because that isn't happening. I have every intention to safeguard my baby's privacy.

@GoldenGorilla That sounds absolutely terrible. I would not want my baby to have someone like that as a role model. Tbh I don't think it's that bad in her case but I think there's a bit of a shallow interest for sure. She will never have kids (her words) but loves the excitement of babies. I know she told some of her friends that she was going to be an aunt as soon as she found out, which she shouldn't have because we have many friends and acquaintances in common, but she's definitely concerned about others' perception of her, being popular and so on. I think it adds a new interesting feature to her life but I'm hoping she takes her new role seriously.

Sorry - you were not the IVF mum. Been posting on two separate threads and got them confused.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks @Rowen32 Thanks a lot for the very sound advice.

I have heard about the grey rock technique but I would need to do some research. She's not toxic per se or a bad person, just very self-absorbed, and with the pregnancy, tiredness, hormones, work, and so on, I am having trouble dealing with the expectations of others—particularly if I have no clue where they are coming from. I guess I am new to the whole child-bearing business. Thinking about boundaries and enforcing them would certainly give me back a sense of relief and control over my life, so this is something that I need to consider.

Excellent post.
Every bit of it.

Do NOT get into a discussion about her behaviour unless you want drama and a poor me blow up.

Madness.

Grey rock is perfect.

Any medical private information is exactly that.

Proceed with the utmost caution.

Pass behaviour IS an indicator of future behaviour and for her to be quizzing you about your pregnancy when she has barely been civil, does not mean you have to answer.

The endless bullshit on MN about women being polite to people whom have treated them poorly is tedious.

She had no need to be monosyllabic, she chose to be.

I have family that I am not hugely interested in on both sides, hasn't stopped me being polite and responsive when we meet.

If you don't want her pushing herself into your lives, whether you want it or not, when the baby arrives, proceed with care.

See her with other family with a similar regularity.

Hi @Darkstar4855. No children of her own for several reasons, the most powerful of which is she does not want any/ to give up her freedom. I know this through a friend in common, ofc. She has never shared that much with me.

She loves babies however and is very affectionate with them.

Such a great response.

@ANUsernam
God people are so rude on here for no reason whatsoever. Why do you feel the need to be this rude?

I would keep her at arms length. She sounds like the type to be interested when the baby is very new and then will get bored fast. See how she is after baby's birth for a guide as to whether it is just the baby she wants, or a better relationship with you. Trust your gut.

SIL is responsible for her own behavior. It’s not the OP’s job to guess about her motives; I’m sure she knows very well how she behaved towards the op in the past years and if she wants to improve their relationship, she could start with an apology or an explanation why. The OP is not just a vessel for SIL’s new niece or nephew but a person with the right to have feelings and dislikes of her own and therefore doesn’t have to accept SIL’s sudden desire to form a relationship because of the pregnancy.

Personally I would ask her why she suddenly is so interested. I also suspect that Instagram might play a role.

Tbh, although she’s your sister in law, maybe she didn’t want a new bff just because you’re with her brother-I don’t mean that in a bad way, just that your expectation was that you two would be very close and do things together and share intimacies. I’m not close to my husband’s sisters-we’re polite and make an effort at family gatherings but they’re not people who I particularly click with-and I’m sure they feel the same about me. None of us are bitches, we’re all perfectly nice-just not on the same wavelength. However, it’s lovely when they show interest in siblings’ children. So congratulations on your pregnancy-and maybe cut her some slack. Unless she’s rude/unpleasant, what have you got to lose? Keep it light- your child may benefit from a loving aunt or she may be a peripheral figure in their lives.