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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

who is being U in this scenario please?

109 replies

hmmamIbeingsilly · 15/08/2022 20:22

NC for obvious outing reasons. Sorry it's a bit long but full story ...

Big birthday coming up this year think 50 and the only thing I really wanted as a present was to go away with DH and our young adult children. Not a big, extravagant trip as a) we don't have the spare cash and b) we are all working at various jobs and c) we have already had a summer holiday this year. Also, the month of my birthday is stuffed full of other commitments (other family birthdays, a wedding, work, things going on for the YA dc). So I decided on a 4 day trip to Europe to a city I've never been to before, not too far away. But it has taken me a long, long time to make a decision on a destination and the dates when we can all squeeze it in. So I'm really glad I've finally decided.

Today DH went out with one of his best friends for lunch. When he came back he told me that he'd told his friend about our plans for my birthday and his friend had reacted in a really "meh" way. He said he gave him the impression it was a bit boring/pants/nothing to get excited about.

Bear in mind this friend gets a lot of free and very low cost trips away because his DW is a travel journalist and so they go away about 4 times a year on long weekends funded by her work. They are older and go without their dc and dgc. She earns a lot otherwise (he is retired and barely earns anything) and also pays for their longer family holidays.

So who is being unreasonable here? DH's friend for being lukewarm about our plans, DH for telling me about his friend's reaction, or me for being fucked off about it? I just DON'T understand why DH chose to tell me this when he knows it's taken me about 6 months to come up with a workable solution.

Or am I BU for giving a toss?

Thanks for reading for all that. I genuinely don't know if I'm being a bit of a twit.

OP posts:

Coughee · 15/08/2022 21:54

Yabu. You're making heavy weather of something that's meant to be a celebration. Maybe dh asked his opinion as he's well travelled so he gave it honestly? Maybe dh told you so that you could plan against it being Meh? It's also not as if the friend said it was an absolute shit hole is it? It's so not a big deal.

Dirtylittleroses · 15/08/2022 21:54

I also don’t really understand how much his wife earns v his pension and who pays is relevant here. Are you in awe of the wife and wanted to impress them?

Coughee · 15/08/2022 21:58

Actually rereading your op this friend didn't even say it was Meh he just didn't react effusively. That could have nothing to do with your plans, he could just have stuff on his mind

7eleven · 15/08/2022 22:16

Maybe DH’s friend just didn’t like the city and said so. What’s wrong with that? I hated Rome, and had a casual conversation with my sister about how I’d be interested to hear what she thought of it. As far as I’m aware, she didn’t get her knickers in a twist.

What a funny thing to be bothered about!

Rowen32 · 15/08/2022 22:44

I think you're being unreasonable OP, it's perfectly natural if you've been somewhere to give your opinion on it.. Maybe he things for the time/effort/money you'd be better going somewhere else.
If you were really happy with your decision you wouldn't be giving this any thought whatsoever..

DancingBeanstalk · 16/08/2022 02:48

hmmamIbeingsilly · 15/08/2022 20:49

I agree. But why did dh tell me?

Show quote history

Because it doesn’t matter.

It’s not something you should be giving any headspace at all, but because you are I think it’s likely you think you’ve made the wrong choice.

If you were happy in your decision it would not matter what anyone else thought.

LetHimHaveIt · 16/08/2022 03:29

God, I'd be happy never to see the word 'headspace' again: it's rapidly becoming the new 'goady'/'grabby'. At least no-one has yet commented that you're allowing this bloke to take residence in your head without properly remunerating you for it . . . 🙄

I don't think you're being precious or dramatic. I think it's rude to comment negatively on someone's birthday plans, yes. Especially when they have - apparently - neither the time nor the budget to change them. Nor, probably, the inclination.
I think your husband should've kept his mouth shut as well.

I'd be worried that your husband is one of those men who always proudly has a friend who knows better than everyone else, and who goes around shitting on everyone else's proposed good time.

Have a lovely birthday, OP.

LuftBalloons · 16/08/2022 06:03

I think what should have happened is that dh's friend would have reacted with enthusiasm

YABU. That is a weird reaction. You want to compel how others - who are not in any kind of relationship with you - think?

You've taken practically forever (6 months!) to decide on one weekend in another city. It’s great for you. But not a big deal for anyone else. Maybe you need to widen your narrow horizons a bit.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 16/08/2022 06:43

I think you're hugely overreacting.

Nobody is under any obligation to be a "enthusiastic" about your holiday plans and your DH shouldn't feel as though he has to filter his conversations with you in case you get upset either.

KatherineJaneway · 16/08/2022 06:48

But why did dh tell me?

Maybe your DH doesn't want to go to the destination you have chosen.

WindyKnickers · 16/08/2022 06:57

I can't believe you care what this random bloke thinks. Your DH probably shouldn't have told you if he knows you're likely to get your knickers in a twist about it but you can't live your life worried about what Brian from down the pub thinks about your choices. I hope you enjoy your holiday and have a happy birthday with your loved ones.

Dirtylittleroses · 16/08/2022 07:22

To be fair it’s not some random bloke or Brian from down the pub, it’s hee husbands closest friend who also happens to be well travelled, and whose wife is a travel writer.

as said, I really don’t understand the ops issue, not everyone likes every place and if it’s not for them then who cares they aren’t going, it’s totally normal to give an honest opinion of a destination, it’s not a personal attack,,, and I don’t get why the op had to go into detail of their finances, but I don’t think it’s fair to say this is just some random bloke from down the pub. It’s clearly not.

for sone reason their opinion is important to her, I suspect it’s the wife’s opinion specifically that’s important

inappropriateraspberry · 16/08/2022 07:28

DH's friend is entitled to his opinion. People I know do all sorts of things that don't appeal to me. I can tell them it's not my thing, but know that they enjoy it, and that's fine for everyone. Same vice versa, I like something, others don't. Doesn't bother me, I know I'll enjoy it.
Your DH was probably just making conversation, and maybe wondered if his friend with more travel experience knew something you didn't about the place. Why has it bothered you so much? You're looking forward to it so enjoy it! It would be a miserable world if we all liked the same things.

ChobKnees · 16/08/2022 07:31

Men often don't beat around the bush when they talk. I'm assuming he said it because he's either been to the location and wasn't impressed or doesn't want to go there. Why does it affect you going there? Honestly, I couldn't get worked up over this!

redskyatnight · 16/08/2022 07:52

You weren't there. Being "meh" about the location just suggests it's not somewhere the friend was keen on, surely? Did they also hope that you had a good holiday anyway?

If they'd said "that's a dreadful place to go and you'll have a really miserable time" - that's one thing. But did they just say "not somewhere I'd choose, but sure you'll enjoy getting away" - or some such?

countrygirl99 · 16/08/2022 07:53

Why is it important to you that other people are enthusiastic about your choices. I have a friend off to 2 weeks of theme parks in Florida next week. She is aware it's my idea of hell and I'm aware she would have hated my camping trip to Namibia. Neither of us are bothered so why do you set such a store by someone else's likes and dislikes? They aren't even your friend, they are DHs.

the80sweregreat · 16/08/2022 08:57

I get this , I hate it when people are dismissive of your plans. It shouldn't matter to anyone else , but somehow we are all hard wired to really care what other people think when it's nothing to do with them. Then we try and justify it as well!
It isn't anyone's business but yours what your doing for your birthday: lots of people would love to go away anywhere.
Just ignore them and I hope you have a nice time!

m00rfarm · 16/08/2022 09:07

So no one is allowed an opinion (which could be a valid opinion as far as we know as your destination is not given). He may have come up with good reasons for not thinking it was the best choice (time of year etc) or he may just be a miserable person. What is strange is the amount of head room you are giving this, unless you are also a little unsure of your choice. Summary - Someone had a conversation with someone else, and you are cross. Ignore it and go ahead and enjoy the break - if it is with family then you will enjoy it no matter what anyone else says.

m00rfarm · 16/08/2022 09:09

Also, look on the "city breaks" type threads on here. The ideal destination for one person is the idea of hell for another. I really loathe Rome, for example, but loved Bruges. Not to say you would not have a great time in Rome, but it is just not for me.

the80sweregreat · 16/08/2022 09:12

It's a bit off topic, but a friend of mine was once a sneery about our old house around thirty years ago now ( too small , not in a nice area , she couldn't live there etc)
It still grates!
We always remember the negative things and not the positive remarks in life. This person has clearly hit a nerve when really they shouldn't have done as your doing what is right for you , not them! Plus I'm sure it'll be lovely.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/08/2022 09:16

What did your DH actually say though?

‘I told Dave we we’re going to Barcelona and he said the food’s shit and there are strikes at the moment. What a knob—talk about pissing on other peoples chips!’

’I told Dave we were going to Barcelona. He says it’s shit there-it’s not fair, why did you book us somewhere like that? Dave gets to go on much better holidays that us.’

Context is everything.

Forestgate · 16/08/2022 09:18

Not sure why you care or why you are letting it spoil your trip. It's not even like he criticised it, he just wasn't very enthusiastic...

so not really sure what you are looking for tbh?

notacooldad · 16/08/2022 09:20

It could be anywhere in Europe. Why does it matter?
To give you some good tips about the place!🤷‍♀️
Why dud he tell you?
Just conversation I guess and probably wasnt expecting an extreme reaction from you probably.
Theres loads if European cities that I'm a bit 'meh" about but others i adore.
People have told me they sintcrate places I love but it's just a conversation piece I dont give it any head space afterwards.

TiaraBoo · 16/08/2022 09:28

DH was unreasonable telling you this.
If he thought you should have chosen somewhere else, then he just could have said are you sure you don’t want to go to x, my bestie Dave recommended it.

TheNoodlesIncident · 16/08/2022 10:06

I also wonder if your DH is no longer as happy with your choice if his friend doesn't rate it. Maybe his mentioning the conversation was his way of letting you know without saying so directly?

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