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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

who is being U in this scenario please?

109 replies

hmmamIbeingsilly · 15/08/2022 20:22

NC for obvious outing reasons. Sorry it's a bit long but full story ...

Big birthday coming up this year think 50 and the only thing I really wanted as a present was to go away with DH and our young adult children. Not a big, extravagant trip as a) we don't have the spare cash and b) we are all working at various jobs and c) we have already had a summer holiday this year. Also, the month of my birthday is stuffed full of other commitments (other family birthdays, a wedding, work, things going on for the YA dc). So I decided on a 4 day trip to Europe to a city I've never been to before, not too far away. But it has taken me a long, long time to make a decision on a destination and the dates when we can all squeeze it in. So I'm really glad I've finally decided.

Today DH went out with one of his best friends for lunch. When he came back he told me that he'd told his friend about our plans for my birthday and his friend had reacted in a really "meh" way. He said he gave him the impression it was a bit boring/pants/nothing to get excited about.

Bear in mind this friend gets a lot of free and very low cost trips away because his DW is a travel journalist and so they go away about 4 times a year on long weekends funded by her work. They are older and go without their dc and dgc. She earns a lot otherwise (he is retired and barely earns anything) and also pays for their longer family holidays.

So who is being unreasonable here? DH's friend for being lukewarm about our plans, DH for telling me about his friend's reaction, or me for being fucked off about it? I just DON'T understand why DH chose to tell me this when he knows it's taken me about 6 months to come up with a workable solution.

Or am I BU for giving a toss?

Thanks for reading for all that. I genuinely don't know if I'm being a bit of a twit.

OP posts:
Itsnotthesameasitwas · 15/08/2022 21:01

Maybe DH told you in a way for you to lower your expectations so you aren’t disappointed when you get there?
or maybe he’s an idiot, like my DH, who just mindlessly repeats conversations he’s had with no thought on the subject matter? I mean, why tell SIL that the one time we stayed there there I wasn’t happy because there were bits in the bed because that’s where they let the dog sleep?

Hbh17 · 15/08/2022 21:01

What a total non-event! You are doing what you want to do, so why does anyone else's opinion matter in the slightest?

Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 21:01

@hmmamIbeingsilly

So there's two things here

  1. Feeling that your DH has been insensitive about the fact you've planned/looking forward to your holiday
  1. The rudeness of the friend?

But fundamentally that your husband should have filtered the information coming back to you?

Schooldil3ma · 15/08/2022 21:03

I think you're being incredibly precious.

DH: we're off to Prague for OP's 50th
Mate in pub: Oh god I got pickpocketed there and the food was terrible. Have you considered Barcelona night be better for her 50th? We had the BEST weekend there.

DH comes home and tells you what his wellt revelled friend thinks. You say you've spent 6 months working on this, DH just wants you to enjoy it, hence him telling you he'd had a first hand review that wasn't great.

I really think you're looking to borrow trouble here.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 15/08/2022 21:04

Some people have the emotional intelligence of a melon.
When anybody tells you they have booked, there is nothing ti say but "Sounds great, have fun".
Unless it's Pontins, Camber Sands and then you are obliged to give them fair warning.

luckylavender · 15/08/2022 21:06

I don't understand why you'd care

lot123 · 15/08/2022 21:14

Do you think it was in the context of maybe you'd have more fun if you went to X instead? In which case, I could probably understand it.

Vapeyvapevape · 15/08/2022 21:15

Dh and his friend need to think before they speak. What sort of idiot says anything other than ' That's great, hope you have a lovely time' when someone tells them about their holiday. He sounds a bit of a stuck up knob to me . Your Dh should have replied 'it's a good job you're not coming with us then '
We had some of the best holidays I can remember when we went cheap and cheerful camping, which is some peoples idea of hell.
Put his comments out of your mind and enjoy your holiday.

Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 21:15

@luckylavender

Of agree with what you've said. OP I keep coming back to why this actually bothers you. It's interesting you mention the financial freedom that your friends have - is this involved somehow?

Original poster
hmmamIbeingsilly · 15/08/2022 21:16

Hbh17 · 15/08/2022 21:01

What a total non-event! You are doing what you want to do, so why does anyone else's opinion matter in the slightest?

No one's opinion of my plans is going to change them. Am very happy with what I've decided so all is good there. And I'm not generally insecure about my choices in life, I think I'm fairly middle of the road and inoffensive. But WHY would a friend diss them and WHY would dh share that with me? This is why I'm asking the genuine aibu.

Center Parcs is given as an example earlier in this thread. No - I would never choose to go there. But obviously I have had a lot of friends and family do CP over the years. I've always just be enthusiastic for them because that's what they want for their holiday!

OP posts:
Inthe90sitwas · 15/08/2022 21:17

Antarcticant · 15/08/2022 20:45

DH is U for telling you.

His friend is entitled to an opinion - it's a bit dickish to wet-blanket someone else's holiday plans but without knowing exactly what was said it's hard to determine whether he was at fault.

This

Stuff the stupid friend, I bet he’d have been negative about anything. Sounds competitive and like he enjoyed putting down DH’s holiday.

Fume for an evening then let it go and get back to planning what to see around the city.

Vapeyvapevape · 15/08/2022 21:19

But WHY would a friend diss them

Because he's either an idiot/jealous/nasty/thoughtless 🤷‍♀️

mattressspring · 15/08/2022 21:22

But WHY would a friend diss them and WHY would dh share that with me?

Because some people are happy to share they don't like something. I also don't see much wrong with your husband relaying the conversation to you. Most women would be happy to have an honest husband. You seem to want yours to keep things from you because he is expected to filter information to spare your feelings. I just don't know why it would cross his mind you would have any feelings about his mate essentially saying your holiday plans are shite. It's not important.

Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 21:26

@hmmamIbeingsilly

There's a real inconsistency in what you say - you're happy with your plans (as you should be) but then are angry at the friends comments AND the fact your husband told you. If you were happy in your plans then other peoples comments wouldn't matter. There's something in this discord - the question is why?

NumberTheory · 15/08/2022 21:29

Y Are All Being Unreasonable.

OP one of the great benefits of aging is not giving a fuck about other people’s opinions on things that are nothing to do with them.

Embrace the your age and let it wash over you.

Stop giving a fuck and tell your DH you don’t care what his random thinks about a trip he isn’t going on, it’s what you think that counts here and DH ought to be parroting that instead of his friend’s opinion. Then buy more gin. Or a massage on your trip. Or an upgrade to first class (but just for you, given DH’s behaviour).

whiteroseredrose · 15/08/2022 21:35

Could it be that your DH doesn't actually want to go to where you've chosen?

Otherwise I can't think of any good reason why he'd pass on negative information.

rainyskylight · 15/08/2022 21:37

Tbh I think the friend was pissing on DH’a parade (he wouldn’t have brought it up to a well trodden traveller if it wasn’t something he was looking forward to) and he came home and shared that, for whatever reason. I think you’re taking it entirely too personally. The correct response is “sod him, we’re going to have a marvellous time”. You and DH can both say it together and look forward to your lovely holiday. Please don’t try and make an argument out of this, and don’t accuse your DH for parade tramping. It’s up to you whether you let this sour faces friend ruin you all looking forward to your lovely trip away.

luxxlisbon · 15/08/2022 21:38

This is a really weird thing to be upset about. Why does it matter that DH’s friend isn’t excited about your city bread??
Expecting enthusiasm is a bit much really.

whiteroseredrose · 15/08/2022 21:42

@Sparklybutold it is really annoying when people are negative about things you enjoy.

DH took me on a surprise trip for my 40th. It was a mystery, I didn't know where we were going. We went to Hadrian's Wall where I'd wanted to go for years. It was a lovely hotel and he had planned everything. But my colleagues were all horrified that it wasn't Paris or similar and kept going on about it. No, I definitely wouldn't have preferred anywhere else (except Iceland), but they kept going on. Very irritating!

Triffid1 · 15/08/2022 21:42

Surely it depends entirely on why dh was telling you? If he was just mentioning in passing that Dave didn't like it, it seems like a massive over reaction.

But if your sense is that your dh was saying it as a sort of passive aggressive "I don't want to go" or because he is purposefully trying to put a downer on things, then sure, be annoyed.

But yabu to think people can't say what they think. I mean, screeching "oh god, Prague, its such a shithole" would be inappropriate. But "oh, have a good time. I have to say it wasn't my thing but I'm sure you guys will have a great time" is fine.

Riverlee · 15/08/2022 21:44

I think you’re overthinking this. It was just a conversation. As long as you’re happy about it, that’s all that matters.

Riverlee · 15/08/2022 21:45

(And what’s the destination?!)

Dirtylittleroses · 15/08/2022 21:49

Honestly I couldn’t get worked up about it. He is meh about the location, not you it’s not personal. Why would you remotely care if he loves the place or not, why does he need to lie and be enthusiastic or your husband have to hide it from you, you’re a grown up. You want to go, you chose it, you can’t expect everyone to think it’s a wonderful place and your husband to treat you like a child.

Justanotherlurker · 15/08/2022 21:49

Of agree with what you've said. OP I keep coming back to why this actually bothers you. It's interesting you mention the financial freedom that your friends have - is this involved somehow?

Yeah I picked up on this, It really is a case of why it even bothers you as it is for you and you are happy, but I suspect OP secretly wanted her DH to come back with gushing praise so she could have some kind of appeal to authority mixed in considering the best friends wife.

I think you're being a bit of a twit OP, and reading far too much into this, if you are happy with it for you and your family then it doesn't matter what others say, it's a 50/50 of even those that gush and say what a wonderful destination/holiday is only being polite.

It's a shrug your shoulders and go an enjoy your birthday break

Aprilx · 15/08/2022 21:50

I don’t think either your husband or his friend were unreasonable, they had a normal conversation . If I had to say anyone is being unreasonable, I would have to go for you, but only for giving this any headspace at all. It really doesn’t matter.

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