Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want to provide for other peoples abusive children

413 replies

Ergh · 15/08/2022 15:24

Sorry about the long post, I’ve left so much out too but I really need advice if this is salvageable or not.

Partner moved in last year with me and my children. His ex partner has 4 children with only 1 being biologically his (others see their real dad and don’t call my partner dad etc he only lived with them for 2 years as he worked away) however we wanted to include them all so they all started to stay over and although manic, for the first weekend, we had fun. But, it’s just gone downhill from there.

Even though I work full time I am struggling to afford all these children as it all comes from my pocket - partner’s ex got him in debt and kicked him out with nothing (another story) but he’s working hard to fix this. So I asked to maybe have them a little less and was told no. Not only am I expected to foot the bill of my utilities and food bills going through the roof and days out being tripled in cost,
i am more upset with the way his/her kids treat us especially when I’ve invited them into my home.

I’ve had them for 2 weeks this summer. I booked a holiday for all of us the first week and as soon as we got home I was met with such distain and rudeness with the activities expected to continue. I had a few days out planned for the rest of their time with us but I couldn’t afford everyday. Days I had planned stuff my own kids were interested in were completely ruined by the others screaming, shouting, fighting and climbing all over everything. They demanded that I took them to places and were rude if I said no. I kitted out my house and garden for them prior to them staying so they wouldn’t be bored but they just fight over everything.

My house has hundreds of pounds worth of damage now and my own children have been physically abused to the point blood was drawn. I have said that the main 2 responsible should not be allowed in my home until this is addressed but after him and ex talked they’re still coming over anyway. She doesn’t want to split up the kids and refused contact to his bio son unless we have them all. She said she NEEDS her kid free weekends. I have mine and hers every weekend and haven’t complained. Until now.

We have had to work on all their behaviour from the start as they are allowed free reign at home, never said no to and mum blames everything else or mental illness’s for their behaviour. Whatever we do here is not followed up at home so I’m ready to give up. I’m really worried about my children now because I work a lot during the week we only had the weekends to have fun which I don’t even get to speak to them now because I’m dealing with my partners kids making sure they’re not fighting or breaking things constantly. It’s exhausting. (Kids are 8,10, 11 & 12 for context with youngest being my partners only bio child) Mum doesn’t mind her house being trashed and furniture ruined with the whole ‘kids will be kids’ mentality. So they’ve never been taught to respect peoples property. They will literally wipe their hands on my walls and furniture instead of washing them and throw food and wrappers on the floor and steal things. I can repaint but I can’t replace expensive things like the sofa, Nintendo and trampoline they’ve broken 😭 she has told us that their behaviour at my house is not her responsibility so if they misbehave, break something or hurt someone here we can discipline them but she won’t be following up when they come home because if they get their electronics taken off them for example it makes her life hard.

I have begged my partner that If the rules of my home can’t be followed (the rules are basically don’t fight, pick up after yourself etc, so nothing draconian) then why should I allow them over? I don’t mind treating them occasionally but I can’t do every weekend it’s killing us. He says he’s trying but it’s me doing everything, trying to figure out how to fix their awful behaviour, planning everything, cooking meals, paying, watching them etc.

I feel like I’ve made a huge mistake and am being used as a daycare and for money. I’m regularly left alone with them while partner has work or plans and have been hit in the face myself when I’ve asked one to stop misbehaving. I haven’t had to deal with this with my own so I do not know how to handle stuff like that. I treat them all the same so they don’t feel left out and I feel like I’ve being completely naive that they would appreciate that by being nice to me and my children. That’s literally all I want.

AIBU to not want this and feel like it’s not my responsibility or am I evil for not wanting to include all the kids? I tried too! I’m so tired I don’t know who’s in the right here or what’s going on anymore 😩 I love my partner very much but I love my kids more so I’m considering asking him to leave tonight so we don’t have to have our home and lives taken over by his kids anymore.

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 16/08/2022 07:38

Same. But he's so gentle 🙄

youtwoandme · 16/08/2022 07:40

How did it go last night OP?
No matter what he has said/promised, your children must come before your desire to be with him. What a horrible situation for you all. I can't believe you'd allow the relationship to continue after the assault on your child.

PMAmostofthetime · 16/08/2022 07:43

@Ergh hope your ok? You were trying to be nice and find a solution to suit all. Don't be to hard on yourself you wanted to try before you just gave up, you have tried, you asked for more advice to change things and as soon as you realised that there was no other way you have acted upon it.

billy1966 · 16/08/2022 07:45

Hard to believe how little mothers like the OP consider the needs of their children ahead of their own.

To allow this man and all those children to just invade their home.

The chaos.
So awful for children to realise how precarious their lives are with a mother so selfishly putting her need of any waster ahead of her own children.

Children that are not safe in their own home because of randomers her mother allows stay at the insistence of someone unconnected with her.

Utterly shameful behaviour.

Your poor children.

itsgettingweird · 16/08/2022 07:49

Ergh · 15/08/2022 15:55

Me and my children are completely fine just angry now. We are very close and they enjoyed other kids company at first so I wrongly let their rudeness towards the grownups slide. It was just bad behaviour that I was trying to deal with and the parents kept trying to down play it because honestly I’ve been very lucky with my children they’re very behaved so didn’t know if it was normal like they were manipulating me into thinking.

The drawing blood was from scratching - I’m still not ok with that at all but physically they are fine, just shocked. The child went straight home, I would never let them be around that. Being rude to me yes I’ve let it go on for too long but being rude and abusive to my children I think it’s clear I’m not tolerating that. I’m kicking him out tonight.

Thank you for all your comments and advice, said what I knew already but needed to hear it from other people I guess.

That's true.

Sometimes you're so involved with people either side (here it's dp and his ex) making our you're being unfair you do start to question yourself.

I use to be the same.

I would honestly take some time to work on your boundaries. I was a people pleaser and it was when I suddenly needed the support returned to me a few years ago I realised that many people are takers but never give back.

I now have a small group of close friends where the friendship works both ways.

Grumpypants78 · 16/08/2022 07:52

Morning, how did it go, are you ok? X

MrsLighthouse · 16/08/2022 07:58

That sounds awful. Stop . Ask him to leave and get your life back !

Lady089 · 16/08/2022 08:07

Put your own children first, they are not your children to parent and send your OH’s bag packing. They’re all taking the piss and you’re allowing them to.

NellyNothing · 16/08/2022 08:17

Why on earth would you put your kids through this. It's really unfair. You say your kids are more important to you than your partner but that aren't what you actions are telling them

ichifanny · 16/08/2022 09:05

So you have a cocklodger you are paying for and paying for kids that aren’t even his , they really saw you coming didn’t they . Get them all to fuck OP , your responsibility is to your own children .

GCAcademic · 16/08/2022 09:09

This is some epic, gold-medal worthy cocklodging to have the OP financing and providing her house to trash for kids not even related to the cocklodger.

I really hope you have not been talked around by this man, OP. Your children deserve a lot better.

SurfBox · 16/08/2022 09:10

I love my kids more so I’m considering asking him to leave tonight so we don’t have to have our home and lives taken over by his kids anymore

the advice you need to take, put your kids 1st

Handsoffmyrights · 16/08/2022 09:25

This man is a piece of work. How convenient too that the debt was his ex's and not his...

Ergh · 16/08/2022 09:51

He’s gone. I showed him the thread and he agreed with everything said about the situation so left. Lots of tears because he didn’t agree with their behaviour either but wasn’t ‘allowed to be stricter or ex and her mum would get mad’ blah blah. He knew it was over. It wasn’t difficult for me at all because my daughter got assaulted.

I’m not sure why many people think I’m ok with that. It happened Sunday. That kid went home and hasn’t been back since. They wanted him to return next weekend which is why I reached out on here because I had had enough. I wouldn’t of let him back, it was difficult enough getting his mum to take him home but I made him sit in another room and wait until she was available. Before that the rudeness was to me which I shouldn’t of allowed either. I was already done but just wanted some support on here and back up if you will that this was not normal. His bio kid is one of the main perpetrators which is why it will never work. He can’t cut off that one.

Both parents had been massively downplaying this behaviour to me. I have girls, they have boys so was conditioned to think that’s what boys are like. I admit, I felt sorry for them. They don’t have nice clothes, shoes don’t fit etc, never have friends over, not doing well at school and very thin while mum is getting new tattoos and going on holidays. I have rang an authority before and will do again today now I’m calm. His siblings showed me scars on their arms after he went home where he has done it to them but worse and she’s obviously allowed the behaviour to continue and didn’t let me know!!! Situation on bio dad is unclear, kids say they see him on bdays etc? Who knows. I got sucked in feeling bad for these kids but it’s not my problem now it’s affected my own.

Mine are fine. I have sat down and spoken to them and they insist they’re ok. We’re looking forward to relaxing for the rest of the holidays, without any idiots in tow.

Before this I was a single parent for over 10 years so did have some doubts as I haven’t been in any family units aside from my own. I just needed a little support and thought I could find it here so a massive thank you to those that did.

OP posts:
viques · 16/08/2022 10:01

Well done OP, I hope you and your girls enjoy the rest of the summer, you deserve to.

CuriousMama · 16/08/2022 10:02

That's good news. Sorry if we can be cynical but these situations don't always turn out in favour of DCs. It's frustrating when we give advice and it falls on deaf ears. Or OP disappears. Glad you aren't one of those 😊

Shinyandnew1 · 16/08/2022 10:04

Ergh · 16/08/2022 09:51

He’s gone. I showed him the thread and he agreed with everything said about the situation so left. Lots of tears because he didn’t agree with their behaviour either but wasn’t ‘allowed to be stricter or ex and her mum would get mad’ blah blah. He knew it was over. It wasn’t difficult for me at all because my daughter got assaulted.

I’m not sure why many people think I’m ok with that. It happened Sunday. That kid went home and hasn’t been back since. They wanted him to return next weekend which is why I reached out on here because I had had enough. I wouldn’t of let him back, it was difficult enough getting his mum to take him home but I made him sit in another room and wait until she was available. Before that the rudeness was to me which I shouldn’t of allowed either. I was already done but just wanted some support on here and back up if you will that this was not normal. His bio kid is one of the main perpetrators which is why it will never work. He can’t cut off that one.

Both parents had been massively downplaying this behaviour to me. I have girls, they have boys so was conditioned to think that’s what boys are like. I admit, I felt sorry for them. They don’t have nice clothes, shoes don’t fit etc, never have friends over, not doing well at school and very thin while mum is getting new tattoos and going on holidays. I have rang an authority before and will do again today now I’m calm. His siblings showed me scars on their arms after he went home where he has done it to them but worse and she’s obviously allowed the behaviour to continue and didn’t let me know!!! Situation on bio dad is unclear, kids say they see him on bdays etc? Who knows. I got sucked in feeling bad for these kids but it’s not my problem now it’s affected my own.

Mine are fine. I have sat down and spoken to them and they insist they’re ok. We’re looking forward to relaxing for the rest of the holidays, without any idiots in tow.

Before this I was a single parent for over 10 years so did have some doubts as I haven’t been in any family units aside from my own. I just needed a little support and thought I could find it here so a massive thank you to those that did.

Well done-good for you. I presume the kids went to their mum. Where did your partner go?

Threelittlelambs · 16/08/2022 10:05

I think you’ve done the right thing. He now has the real consequences for his actions.
He needs to sort himself and his child out!

mamabear715 · 16/08/2022 10:08

Hugs OP.
I'm sure it must have been painful if he was a nice guy, but yeah, couldn't let that continue. I wish you PEACE. xx

focuspocus · 16/08/2022 10:11

Flowers how do you and your DC feel now?

cheekychatta · 16/08/2022 10:12

Keep us updated op and good luck

FourTeaFallOut · 16/08/2022 10:12

You've just disentangled yourself and your children from an absolute mess of problems. Give yourself a break and enjoy the serenity you achieved.

I think you might be a bit of an eternal optimist. This idea that if you just changed x, y and z you could stack the odds in favour of these children and turn things around and make up for the short comings of their parents. There are worse things to be. You just need to shore up your boundaries - you can get to that later and just enjoy the calm for now.

KnockedInn · 16/08/2022 10:28

Sometimes bad things happen to good people...
^^
I know you're feeling relieved that the dysfunctional household [caused by your ex, and those unmanageable children he brought in] is a thing of the past. For your life and that of your children's. Sometimes we just need to accept that we can't change the world. But we can take care of our own to the best of our ability. Good luck moving forward.

Meraas · 16/08/2022 10:29

He’s gone. I showed him the thread and he agreed with everything said about the situation so left. Lots of tears because he didn’t agree with their behaviour either but wasn’t ‘allowed to be stricter or ex and her mum would get mad’ blah blah.

Well done OP! He wasn't just allowing bad behaviour, he was using you for daycare and money. You were also left to do the cooking and planning everything.

He behaved very badly and I am glad he has gone.

billy1966 · 16/08/2022 10:31

Well done OP for getting him out.

Whatever your girls have said to you about being ok, I would take with a pinch of salt, unless their own lives are similarly chaotic?

It doesn't sound from what you have written that it was, so this last year will have been very confusing for them, whatever they say.

I think doing some work on your boundaries is very important, because your daughters will model what they accept from how they are reared.

In your place I would be very frank and tell them you made a VERY big mistake and you were VERY wrong.

That you thought doing something kind was more important than keeping your home a safe place.

That you allowed such awful behaviour to continue because you liked the Dad.

That you realise what you did was very wrong.

That you should NEVER put the needs of strangers ahead of whats best for yourself, in your own home.

IMO it is important to be able to tell your children that you have messed up and that you have learned from it.

If you press that point home you can find some scrap of good in this awful situation.

Women are conditioned to look after others, ahead of themselves, I certainly have done that at times in my long life.

I have 4 children.

Two boys, young men, that I do not have to have the conversation with, as they, while lovely lads, just naturally have excellent boundaries and a "fxxk that" attitude to any hint of someone stepping on them.

With the girls I have had the conversations to remind them of the critical importance of loving THEMSELVES first, put themselves first, be kind to themselves first, before they run around after other people......in particular boys, and men.

My youngest came home one day years ago from school, having brought a large box of Scandinavian sweets that her father had given her into her class.

She shared them out, they were delicious, and children came back for more.
She didn't end up having even one herself🙄
This is where it starts.

Red flag to me as a parent that I wasn't doing as good a job as I had hoped.

We have had many, many, conversations since that day a decade ago, that loving yourself first is SO important.

Looking after, and being kind to yourself is so important in any relationship.

The relationship you have with yourself comes first, always.

Particularly with men.

Best of luck to you and your girls.