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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband gave 14yo DD alcohol to take to party

101 replies

theanswerunknown · 14/08/2022 16:05

Looking for opinions...

My DH gave 14yo daughter a few cans of alcoholic drinks to take to a party.

I had specifically said that I did not want her taking alcohol with her and that I expected the parents of the person she was staying with would've contacted parents if they we're going to be giving alcohol.

AIBU to be annoyed he gave her some to take anyway?!

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 14/08/2022 16:06

Absolutely, my dd is 14 and I’d be furious if her dad did that

Malbecfan · 14/08/2022 16:08

It depends what it was. If it was a couple of cans of cider, meh. If it was spirits or something really strong, YWNBU.

My DDs are older now but I'd prefer to know what they were drinking at 14 than them drinking any old random stuff. Now both are in their 20s, I seriously out-drink them so it hasn't done them any harm.

Original poster
theanswerunknown · 14/08/2022 16:11

@Malbecfan it was a few cans of premixed 5% cocktails

I've no issue with her having a small glass of something with us at home or when we were away on holiday for the same reasons as you.

I was not ok with her taking alcohol along to a party at a house where there had been no discussion about them drinking when there...both for her own safety and I do not want other teenagers having access to alcohol that my daughter brought without their parents knowing!!

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 14/08/2022 16:13

I'd be very cross.

PrachtStück · 14/08/2022 16:13

YANBU. I would feel the same as you in this situation. But this is Mumsnet and you will be told what a terrible parent you are for not being ‘cool’ enough to provide the whole party with the vodkas and whiskeys you bought for your DD when she turned 12.

Timeforabiscuit · 14/08/2022 16:14

If I was the parent supervising the party - I would be fuming! Can you give the a heads up, or in a non inflammatory way get the alcohol back?

What on earth was your dh THINKING? Its not going to be his problem dealing with the fallout with this, it will be the un informed hosts and your dd!

BlueWhaleBay · 14/08/2022 16:15

Holy shit, that is so ignorant and just outright dangerous. Read up on what alcohol does to children’s brains and show him.

Timeforabiscuit · 14/08/2022 16:16

If alcohol is no big deal, as its low % dd can have it at home, but it puts the hosts in an impossible position.

BlueWhaleBay · 14/08/2022 16:18

Yes I would call the parent where she has gone and have a chat. If your daughter did knock them back she could become quite unwell.

Ahwombimbam · 14/08/2022 16:18

My dd had a lovely picnic last week with her friends including cans of cocktails. I really couldn’t see an issue with it.
I was doing worse at that age!

I’d be happy that your dd asked rather than just got someone else to buy them.

PollyRockets · 14/08/2022 16:19

I'd be more upset about your DH ignoring you than the few cans of low % cocktails sent with your 14 year old tbh

AlexandriasWindmill · 14/08/2022 16:19

YANBU.
He's undermined you and circumvented all the other parents and the hosts.
It won't have helped your DD either. If mine said a friend's DF gave her alcohol to take to a party, I'd be judgy as hell about their parenting and making sure my DC weren't going to their house.

Allmarbleslost · 14/08/2022 16:20

Yanbu. 14 is too young.

Ahwombimbam · 14/08/2022 16:20

One of the girls mums dropped all the food and cocktails off to them. I wouldn’t have expected the mum to ask me, my dd did txt me and that’s why I didn’t have an issue with it.

Original poster
theanswerunknown · 14/08/2022 16:20

@AlexandriasWindmill yes I totally agree

OP posts:
Original poster
theanswerunknown · 14/08/2022 16:21

@PollyRockets trust me I am raging - inwardly at the moment hence why posting here first to ascertain if I'm overreacting...

OP posts:
Rainbowbaby13 · 14/08/2022 16:22

My dad did the same when I was 14 gave me some alcopops to take to a sleepover however my mum had also agreed and he wouldn't have done it if my mum had not been onboard

If my husband did that when he specifically knows that I didn't want to I'd be pretty angry as well

MumofSpud · 14/08/2022 16:23

One part of me is thinking that yes 14 is too young but... also if she took something with her then she won't be (?) drinking the vodka that someone else will be bringing.

Rainbowbaby13 · 14/08/2022 16:24

I should also add they it had been agreed with my friends parents before I went so we were being supervised

Rewis · 14/08/2022 16:24

What type of party was it? Not all the parties with 14 yo are ones where you drink. So was it the type where you can be expecting someone has asked an adult to provide drinks or more of a get together?

I'm not a fan of this whole thing where parents buy their kids alcohol to take to parties when they are that young.

Greybutterfly · 14/08/2022 16:27

Most people have had their first drink by 14. She asked instead of getting it from somewhere else. Your over reacting and at risk of pushing her into not telling you things in the future

LaughingCat · 14/08/2022 16:27

I would quietly mention it to the parents of the party. Sneaking alcohol into parties was pretty standard fare when I was that age and I can understand why your DH might have preferred to at least know what she was drinking.

I would be raging that it was done without your knowledge or consent though. It wasn’t just his choice to make, you parent as a unit.

Original poster
theanswerunknown · 14/08/2022 16:31

@Greybutterfly not to drip feed but she didn't ask....my husband gave it to her without my knowledge and he was part of the discussion when it was agreed that she would go to the party on the condition there was no alcohol.

I know the group she was with and know alcohol had been drunk before which she'd been open and honest about and as I said I have no issues in some situations.

OP posts:
CarlCarlson · 14/08/2022 16:47

5% alcohol cocktails at 14 is hardly something to get worked up about

If it isn’t your usual approach then you’d expect your husband to mention it to you beforehand maybe but realistically your daughter and her friends will be drinking stronger stuff than that at parties, down the park etc

ThirtyThreeTrees · 14/08/2022 16:53

I think there's two separate parts to this.

  1. Your husband completely undermined you. Don't know if he wants to appear as the cool parent or what but either way parenting should be a joint approach. When kids know it's not a joint effort, they will divide and conquer every time.
  1. She'll be drinking anyway and what he give her it at the safer end of things. Tbh,most of us were drinking at that age but I don't think adults should encourage it.

I wouldn't argue about the alcohol, I would argue over his approach to parenting. If he had even discussed it you may have reached a compromise.

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