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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband gave 14yo DD alcohol to take to party

101 replies

theanswerunknown · 14/08/2022 16:05

Looking for opinions...

My DH gave 14yo daughter a few cans of alcoholic drinks to take to a party.

I had specifically said that I did not want her taking alcohol with her and that I expected the parents of the person she was staying with would've contacted parents if they we're going to be giving alcohol.

AIBU to be annoyed he gave her some to take anyway?!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 14/08/2022 16:56

AlexandriasWindmill · 14/08/2022 16:19

YANBU.
He's undermined you and circumvented all the other parents and the hosts.
It won't have helped your DD either. If mine said a friend's DF gave her alcohol to take to a party, I'd be judgy as hell about their parenting and making sure my DC weren't going to their house.

Absolutely this.

He has made a show of you as parents.

I would be beside myself with fury.

creamwitheverything · 14/08/2022 16:56

I am torn on this issue as both my kids had a little tipple at home every now and then,My dd is 10 and loves an advocat snowball at christmas or a small and i mean small baileys! I did this with my son too and when he hit the teens because he had alcohol growing up ,small amounts I grant you then it came as no surprise to him and he never abused it at all, I had one of those cocktail pouches you mention OP and I poured a bit out for my dd and she didnt like it at all,I am hoping by taking the mystique away carefully and totally controlled by me that it avoids trouble later on as it will not be a new and exciting thing for her when she gets older and its worked with the older one really well, Your dh might have been thinking along the same lines,or making it easy for her to fit in maybe?He has been daft really leaving it with her unsupervised but I am sure as a loving dad he can be forgiven?

Suzi888 · 14/08/2022 16:58

Agree with this

“She'll be drinking anyway and what he give her it at the safer end of things. Tbh,most of us were drinking at that age but I don't think adults should encourage it.”

Wondering what the parents thought though! 😂They could confiscate them upon entry I suppose.

bcc89 · 14/08/2022 17:17

Personally, I'd rather my child had a couple of canned cocktails in a friend's house than be downing from bottles of straight vodka like I was doing aged 15 in the park 🙈

The alternative isn't no alcohol. When you have a teen, the alternative is probably still alcohol, but finding strange means of getting it and it usually being a spirit of some kind.

At least it's a couple of cans of cocktail at a party. I'm guessing your DH might have been the same kind of naughty teen like I was. 😣

Rewis · 14/08/2022 17:37

If you take few cocktail pouches to a party, it doesn't mean you don't down vodka shots. You can still do both.

Also studies have shown that providing underaged children alcohol does not teach them to be responsible drinkers.

Rewis · 14/08/2022 17:41

The researchers said they want parents to understand that allowing teens to drink underage, even when supervised by the parent, is always associated with a greater likelihood of drinking during adolescence over time. Social hosting is never a good idea, they emphasize. “Adolescents who attend parties where parents supply alcohol are at increased risk for heavy episodic drinking, alcohol-related problems, and drinking and driving,”

RedHelenB · 14/08/2022 17:46

theanswerunknown · 14/08/2022 16:05

Looking for opinions...

My DH gave 14yo daughter a few cans of alcoholic drinks to take to a party.

I had specifically said that I did not want her taking alcohol with her and that I expected the parents of the person she was staying with would've contacted parents if they we're going to be giving alcohol.

AIBU to be annoyed he gave her some to take anyway?!

Why do your views trump dh's?

Original poster
theanswerunknown · 14/08/2022 17:48

@RedHelenB

Does it make a difference if I said that she's not actually his biological daughter? He's my husband - not her Dad.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 14/08/2022 17:52

If he's not bringing her up as " dad" then yes. If he is then I think the same applies.

gingercat02 · 14/08/2022 17:54

theanswerunknown · 14/08/2022 17:48

@RedHelenB

Does it make a difference if I said that she's not actually his biological daughter? He's my husband - not her Dad.

Yes it does and I suspected that was the case. Is he trying to be the cool stepparent

weekendninja · 14/08/2022 17:54

My DS's 14yo peers are getting shitfaced in the forest near us. They leave a complete mess and have no adult supervision there or nearby.

I'm happy for my DS to take a few cans of 5% booze to his mates house. I know where he is and that he has it.

Yes, I'd rather him be happy with a Sprite but the reality is that this is the age children start to dip their toe into alcohol drinking so I'd rather be aware of it.

RobertaFirmino · 14/08/2022 17:55

Ahwombimbam · 14/08/2022 16:18

My dd had a lovely picnic last week with her friends including cans of cocktails. I really couldn’t see an issue with it.
I was doing worse at that age!

I’d be happy that your dd asked rather than just got someone else to buy them.

Goodness me, you let your UNDERAGE daughter go OUTDOOR DRINKING in the AFTERNOON? I'll have you know my pearls have broken from being clutched too hard, my judgy pants will need to be surgically removed due to extreme hoiking and I'm afraid to say I was SOBBING and SHAKING far too much to log this with 101.

carefullycourageous · 14/08/2022 17:58

theanswerunknown · 14/08/2022 17:48

@RedHelenB

Does it make a difference if I said that she's not actually his biological daughter? He's my husband - not her Dad.

I was going to ask this when I read the wording - it absolutely does make a difference and I would be raging in your shoes. Raging enough to consider ending the relationship to be honest if he does not apologise and change his ways entirely - he is putting your DD in danger and undermining you.

What is he like usually? Do you have other joint children?

He sounds like a twat, I am sorry to be rude but he really does.

girlmom21 · 14/08/2022 18:04

Your husband of how many years?

YANBU unless he's raised her as his own but is only allowed to be 'dad' when it suits.

dizzydizzydizzy · 14/08/2022 18:06

AlexandriasWindmill · 14/08/2022 16:19

YANBU.
He's undermined you and circumvented all the other parents and the hosts.
It won't have helped your DD either. If mine said a friend's DF gave her alcohol to take to a party, I'd be judgy as hell about their parenting and making sure my DC weren't going to their house.

This! Grrrr!

parietal · 14/08/2022 18:07

that is absolutely unacceptable from your DH. If there is going to be any alcohol at teen parties then it should only come from the host parents who know what is there and can monitor things. for your DH to undermine you and to undermine whatever rules the host parents have put in place is completely unacceptable.

bathsh3ba · 14/08/2022 18:09

I find this interesting as my boyfriend has wanted to buy alcohol (beer/cider) for my teens of same age and I said no. He listened to me but he didn't understand as he was drinking regularly at that age (I wasn't). Of course we aren't married and don't live together but I could see a similar situation occurring. Maybe it is a trying to be a cool mum's boyfriend...

PollyRockets · 14/08/2022 18:11

He isn't even her dad and is undermining you with this!!

Definitely YANBU then

AlexandriasWindmill · 14/08/2022 18:14

How did you find out about it?
Because if he tried to keep it secret and asked her to lie then that's a whole other problem on top of the alcohol.

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/08/2022 18:16

Kinda - you are happy for her to have a glass at home, so it sounds reasonable that she might start having a can or two at a party. His view might be she’s going to anyway and he’s hoping this way she won’t be swigging vodka out of a squash bottle.

So it should have been discussed between the 2 of you but I don’t think either of you get to lay down the law.

Whether he’s her biological dad or not is irrelevant. If he acts as a parent to her generally then that’s what he is.

So I would take deep breaths and discuss how you will work it better next time.

clpsmum · 14/08/2022 18:27

I would be furious tbh but I've posted about similar on here before and it seems the majority seem to be ok with young teenagers drinking!

JaninaDuszejko · 14/08/2022 18:30

I just asked DD1 (14) and she says she was chatting to some of her (top set at a middle class school) classmates about alcohol and the majority have had it (she hasn't) and some had been drunk. She then told me her friends are considered too 'weird' to be invited to the parties where alcohol are drunk. She's shown no interest in drinking so I'm not going to push it.

I can understand his thinking, I was sent to parties with weak cider as a teenager but that was when I was older than 14. Other kids had raided their parents' drinks cabinet and had vodka etc and some people got very drunk. This was in the days before alcopops. But teenagers these days seem to drink far less than we did.

maddiemookins16mum · 14/08/2022 18:31

16, okay, 14 no way.

Underwater11 · 14/08/2022 19:11

This was very normal at house parties when I was that age, parents sent their kids with low % sugary alcohol pops and the number they were allowed to drink ie 2. Meant kids tended to stick to it and no one was shooting vodka! But the parents all knew alcohol was allowed at the parties, if the hosting parents aren’t expecting alcohol to be drank then it’s going to be very odd when one person turns up with some!

Lindasllama · 14/08/2022 20:31

Bloody hell . MN is a parallel universe of perfect t parenting ..

My kids were drinking at 14.. smoking weed at 15 .. bizarrely they ALL (7) managed GCSES, A'levels and degrees ..

Don't sweat the small stuff is my advice. The most important thing is that they talk to you . They will do these things with or without your knowledge. Personally I would rather know and therefore be able to step in if anything gets out of hand rather than have teens pretend they are who you want them to be !