My husband gave 14yo DD alcohol to take to party

[theanswerunknown]

Looking for opinions...

My DH gave 14yo daughter a few cans of alcoholic drinks to take to a party.

I had specifically said that I did not want her taking alcohol with her and that I expected the parents of the person she was staying with would've contacted parents if they we're going to be giving alcohol.

AIBU to be annoyed he gave her some to take anyway?!

The argument “Well it did me no harm” doesn’t stack up. We know so much more about the harm this drug causes, alcohol is a scourge on society, it’s the number one social ill.

With that in mind, it falls to parents to help their children navigate the minefield that is social drinking.

OP I agree with your approach and would be beyond angry at being undermined as well as the deliberate swipe at my child’s health.

Alcohol consumption in children (a 14yo is a child) can cause irreversible brain damage.

Research also tells us that the younger a person is when they start drinking alcohol with friends, the more likely they are to develop an addiction.

We know that drunkenness in children and teenagers can cause them to stop breathing.

We know the average age for the first drink is 15, and that up to two drinks of beer or low alcohol cocktails are tolerable by 15+, though far from ideal.

OP’s daughter is only 14, she was given a “few” cocktails, not 2, and may not be supervised.

The party was to be alcohol free. If a child of 14 showed up at my house with cocktails, they would not be invited back and my child would not be allowed to go to their place.

If your daughter chose to drink the cocktails in quick succession, is your husband happy to watch over her until she is sober? If she got drunk and choked on her own vomit, is he cool with having that on his conscience?

My kids were drinking at 14.. smoking weed at 15 .. bizarrely they ALL (7) managed GCSES, A'levels and degrees ..

Congratulations on your children doing well despite making bad life choices and experiencing poor parenting.

Have you any idea how stupid you sound?

Personally I wouldn't be concerned about 14 year old ds taking a couple of cans of alcohol with him to a party. He's allowed the odd alcoholic drink on a special occasion.

However I'd be furious about DH specifically going behind my back.

YANBU because your DH undermined you, and made a decision about drinking that affects other teens besides your own.

In terms of him being your daughter’s step-father, I’m in the equivalent position. My DSD lived with my DH and I (she’s a young adult now) as a teen and is much older than our children (my only). Even though I was equally responsible for disciplining her over certain things, I would NEVER have gone behind his back about something like this because ultimately he’s the parent. I wouldn’t undermine him like this with our joint DC but I’d feel more justified in doing so if I did because I’m their parent.

14/15/16 is a minefield when it comes to alcohol. With mine going to house parties I think I've probably been fortunate in being able to have conversations with like minded parents in advance. Are you going to provide alcohol? What and how much? Rules on guests bringing their own?

Of course there will be kids who ignore and turn up with a bottle of vodka, that's life. But generally, I'd agree ground rules with hosting parents and share with my child. I'd expect my child to be sent home if they didn't follow the rules. If my partner over-ruled, particularly for a child who was not biologically his, I'd tear him a new one.

I'm with BlueWhale - give them alcohol? - you get to collect and sit up all night.

I'd be fucking furious if a 14 year old arrived at my house with booze and found out a parent gave it to them.

I wouldn't allow my child around to your house again and would discourage the friendship.

Oh dear. I hope my DD is not drinking that early! She is 13 now and would have no interest. Lets see in a year...

I would be majory pissed off with a partner if that happened OP.

Thankfully we aren't at this stage yet (my eldest is starting primary school in September).

However regardless of what other parents think / do about alcohol is irrelevant here (however I'm with you on your stance / reasoning).

Surely this is such a topic where your husband should have discussed with you first rather than making a unilateral decision?

I hope when my girls first start to ask about this my husband would discuss we me first as I would with him.

Well he’s probably wrong
but then I remember when I was 14 and me and my friends would raided drinks cabinet and sneaked out vodka /southern comfort / archers

sirry not helpful. Aah good old days

ultinately I think it comes down to trusting your daughter to be responsible

I think ignoring you is more of an issue actually. Alcohol at 14 not great no. I’m only just accepting at 16 actually…

Ask him why he couldn't have bought her "pretend" no alcohol cocktails? Why did she need/want alcohol?

Both dh and I were raised by alcoholic Fathers and enabling Mothers. We were allowed alcohol from a young age as a regular 'special' treat.

We both went on to have drink problems and now don't drink at all in our 40s and never will again.

She is a child for fucks sake. She doesn't need alcohol. All it will do is diminish her judgement and make her more vulnerable.

Why would he want that for her?

I get where you are coming from but we’ve all been 14 and drinking, it’s just life. If you make alcohol a no go at her age she will rebel and do it anyway because for most kids the ‘forbidden’ is part of the attraction.

If she gets really drunk and ridiculous then you can reprimand her, but until then I don’t think weak cocktails are worth the stress.

Yanbu
I would be angry with DH

14 years old is too young for alcohol at parties around our way. (I have older DCs too) I'd go hopping mad if one of my DCs friends snuck in alcohol to my DCs 14th party at that age. And then if it turned out their parent had given it to them .... My DD is 14 1/2 now and zero chance she or her close friends could drink nor cope with alcohol, not even a 4% premixed cocktail, they'd all be very ill. And I wouldn't thank the parent who has unilaterally decided that it was ok to send alcohol to my house for a child.

If any child was ill, it would go round really quickly that Xs step dad sent her with alcohol to sneak in without Host mum knowing.

In my DCs circle, it was 16th birthdays where alcohol started appearing at house parties, they were that little bit older; host parents would say though "to let you know, there will be alcohol at this party" - so we could send a few cans of cider with them, pick them up rather than walk home, and have a prechat about drinking water & drinking sensibly

My question is did DD tell him, there'd be alcohol at this party even if she didn't ask him to let her take some.
Or did your husband unilaterally decide to send alcohol so she could be "cool at 14" when it wasn't asked for , needed, nor appropriate.

@Scurryfunge12
I get where you are coming from but we’ve all been 14 and drinking, it’s just life. If you make alcohol a no go at her age she will rebel and do it anyway because for most kids the ‘forbidden’ is part of the attraction.

This is not true though Scurreyfungal . It's the opposite that's true. That those who start drinking early are more likely to have and develop alcohol problems. Research evidence shows you that.

That may be your personal experiences but in our large circles it is nearer 16 yo that alcohol starts to appear at parties. I have older DCs too and not one of them was trying to drink alcohol at parties or going to parties where alcohol was a feature at that age. By 16 yes not at 14.

I do know some work colleagues whose teens have access to and started drinking alcohol younger, that they took to parties with mum buying it - they developed and continue to have alcohol problems now.

I’m speaking from experience of my own teen years and almost every other person of a similar age that I know. They had to tell their mums they were going for sleepovers when in reality they were paralytic in a park drinking vodka.

If it’s a once in a blue moon scenario and she’s sensible then premixed and canned cocktails are fine in moderation. If her friends are all going to be there they are probably going to drink and she will be singled out.

I don’t know any alcoholics from my friendship group. I’m not saying you’re wrong by the way, just that it might also have something to do with frequency of drinking at a young age, as opposed to just drinking once in a blue moon?

Her parents can collect her at a reasonable hour and I’m assuming the parents will be there at the person’s house.

She’s 14 - what is it with trying to force alcohol on young people ASAP and then feeling they’re not cool if they don’t partake. I’d be furious too.

So, having read your updates, I think YANBU to be angry.

I would have no issue with a 14-year-old having a couple of cans, personally, and you mention that she was going to be a with a group with whom she has drunk alcohol before, so I would assume the other parents would be aware.

However, it was undermining and weird of your DH to give your DD alcohol (apparently without her even asking him) after you'd all had the conversation in which you'd said that alcohol wouldn't allowed. And it's doubly undermining given that he isn't your DD's father. Ultimately, if there is a parenting disagreement that has reached an impasse, I don't think the step-parent gets to overrule the biological parent.

He broke an agreement: very bad.
He gave a 14yo alcohol behind your back: very bad.

There is a lot of material, easily available online from a range of reliable sources, myth-busting the idea that giving children (including teens) alcohol teaches them to be safer in the long run. The statistics are clear.

I will probably get slaughtered for this but here goes...

A step dad giving a 14 year old alcohol is a HUGE red flag. Massive warning sign.

Pay attention to it.

*It depends what it was. If it was a couple of cans of cider, meh. If it was spirits or something really strong, YWNBU.

My DDs are older now but I'd prefer to know what they were drinking at 14 than them drinking any old random stuff. Now both are in their 20s, I seriously out-drink them so it hasn't done them any harm*

what the fuck is wrong with you? She is FOURTEEN. Suppose you are going to say you had sex at 14 too so it's fine.

OP YANBU, that is a serious safeguarding concern.

Your over reacting and at risk of pushing her into not telling you things in the future

i was waiting on this, let kids do whatever they want as long as they tell you otherwise it will damage the relationship/

Seems young to me. 15/16 was the usual age around here for booze at parties, which I didn't mind, as most of them went off to Reading/Leeds festivals at 16 with a rucksack full of booze and no supervision. So it was good that they had, hopefully, learnt their limits before then.

My parents gave me alcohol to take to parties from 14 too, just things like Smirnoff ice etc but pretty soon we were still sneaking stronger stuff, she said she thought it would teach me to be responsible and she would rather she knew what I was drinking, that definitely didn’t work. We all did far too much risky stuff as young teens on the back of alcohol and I’m not sure I would have done it if I wasn’t drinking, it led to a lot of underage sex and for me a teenage pregnancy. I was a very shy quiet kid but alcohol gave me confidence and I put myself in some very vulnerable situations. I’m not saying this is the things that happen to every kid because they have a few low alcohol cocktails at a mates but I don’t buy the idea that it makes kids more responsible, some maybe but certainly not the many many kids from my high school.

OP I would be annoyed that your DH went against your wishes, he undermined you and that’s not okay.

When I was that age, we had multiple ways of obtaining drink, most of which was much stronger than a few alcopops, so it might have been better if mum had sent me out with something that I would probably have stuck to.

That said, you should both have discussed it, agreed one way or another, and stuck with that decision so if he just went against your wishes you're not unreasonable to be annoyed.