Page 4 | My husband gave 14yo DD alcohol to take to party

theanswerunknown · 2022-08-14T15:05:34+00:00

Looking for opinions... My DH gave 14yo daughter a few cans of alcoholic drinks to take to a party. I had specifically said that I did not want her taking alcohol with her and that I expected the parents of the person she was staying with would've contacted parents if they we're going to be giving alcohol. AIBU to be annoyed he gave her some to take anyway?!

Barnybrown · 15/08/2022 14:08

mattressspring · 15/08/2022 10:00

I will probably get slaughtered for this but here goes...

A step dad giving a 14 year old alcohol is a HUGE red flag. Massive warning sign.

Pay attention to it.

I thought exactly the same thing. This is not about whether or not fourteen year olds should drink alcopops at parties. It’s about why this man is undermining your parenting decisions and giving alcohol to his 14 year old stepdaughter behind your back. This is not OK - on any level - it is a safeguarding concern on several levels.

SurfBox · 15/08/2022 19:49

*I'd be fucking furious if a 14 year old arrived at my house with booze and found out a parent gave it to them.

I wouldn't allow my child around to your house again and would discourage the friendship*

thios, I am shocked so many people on the thread are comfortable with 14 yos drinking in the 1st bloody place.

SurfBox · 15/08/2022 19:55

I thought exactly the same thing. This is not about whether or not fourteen year olds should drink alcopops at parties. It’s about why this man is undermining your parenting decisions and giving alcohol to his 14 year old stepdaughter behind your back. This is not OK - on any level - it is a safeguarding concern on several levels

the whole thread is a safeguarding issue and yes 14 yos taking drink to a party is a massive safeguarding issue. WTF is wrong with people here?

Snoozer11 · 15/08/2022 20:02

billy1966 · 14/08/2022 16:56

Absolutely this.

He has made a show of you as parents.

I would be beside myself with fury.

Show quote history

"Beside myself with fury"

Where does mumsnet get some of these posters from?! He gave his daughter a couple of small cans of low alcohol cocktails.

Parents are allowed to disagree with each other.

mattressspring · 15/08/2022 20:07

@Snoozer11

He is not her dad.

Cocoatheclown · 15/08/2022 20:09

OP,
I agree with others that say that the problem, here is not the alcohol, but your DH.
He has disregarded your wishes and undermined you.
Has he done this before?
If so, you may want to re-think your relationship.

Barnybrown · 15/08/2022 20:32

SurfBox · 15/08/2022 19:55

I thought exactly the same thing. This is not about whether or not fourteen year olds should drink alcopops at parties. It’s about why this man is undermining your parenting decisions and giving alcohol to his 14 year old stepdaughter behind your back. This is not OK - on any level - it is a safeguarding concern on several levels

the whole thread is a safeguarding issue and yes 14 yos taking drink to a party is a massive safeguarding issue. WTF is wrong with people here?

I completely agree that 14 year olds should not be taking alcohol to a party and that in itself is a huge issue. I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. But I would be even more concerned here about why this man is giving his 14 year old stepdaughter alcohol against her mum’s wishes - this is a red flag which she should not ignore

SurfBox · 15/08/2022 21:23

*Where does mumsnet get some of these posters from?! He gave his daughter a couple of small cans of low alcohol cocktails.

Parents are allowed to disagree with each other*

eh the 'daughter' is 14.

SurfBox · 15/08/2022 21:30

I completely agree that 14 year olds should not be taking alcohol to a party and that in itself is a huge issue. I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. But I would be even more concerned here about why this man is giving his 14 year old stepdaughter alcohol against her mum’s wishes - this is a red flag which she should not ignore

the fact that the op even had to forbid that alcohol would even be taken to the sleepover in the 1st place and had even considered it is dubious. If I was sleeping over at that age drink wouldn't even come into my mum's mind as she'd expect us to be supervised.

I agree that what the husband did here is terrible but the fact that so many people on the thread seem to be fine with 14 yos drinking at a sleepover-like wtf? They are as bad as the stepfather here. If I was the op I'd kick my dh out for this and if any of the mums on this thread were in my life allowing 14 yos to drink at a sleepover I'd be not allowing my kids within a country mile of it and I'd consider it a massive safeguarding issue.

Survey99 · 15/08/2022 21:34

14 is too young to be drinking alcohol unsupervised and uncurtailed.

It is only not too to young to "cool" immature parents who all allegedly have surprisingly mature for their age children and go to parties with other surprisingly mature for their age 14 year olds..

xxcatcatcatxx · 15/08/2022 21:37

My parents always did this at this age and I’ll definitely do it for my son. At least you know what they’re drinking and it’s an alright quality (assuming there) Hope she has/ had an amazing time!!! xxx

SurfBox · 15/08/2022 21:37

14 is too young to be drinking alcohol unsupervised and uncurtailed

eh no 14 is too young to be drinking full stop.

It is only not too to young to "cool" immature parents who all allegedly have surprisingly mature for their age children and go to parties with other surprisingly mature for their age 14 year olds

the same parents will say their kids are mature for their age and let them have all adult privileges but then go on another thread and bash older men for dating younger as they are vulnerable and it's taking advantage blah blah blah. The double standards on mn.

Redbone · 15/08/2022 21:41

YANBU as your husband did not consult with you. That said, I was always given a large bottle of cider to take to parties from about 13 onwards. It really was the norm for my group of friends.

SurfBox · 16/08/2022 09:04

That said, I was always given a large bottle of cider to take to parties from about 13 onwards. It really was the norm for my group of friends

yea and when I was growing up underage girls at school of 15 were often getting off with men in their 20s, it was the norm.Does that make it ok?

carefullycourageous · 16/08/2022 09:36

Redbone · 15/08/2022 21:41

YANBU as your husband did not consult with you. That said, I was always given a large bottle of cider to take to parties from about 13 onwards. It really was the norm for my group of friends.

Bad parenting of the past should not be the blueprint of the future.

We know without doubt that early drinking is very unhealthy, both physically (brain and body) and in terms of future alcohol dependence.

Times change. Parents who give young teens alcohol are doing the wrong thing. The fact it used to be more normal doesn't change that.

Unforgettablefire · 16/08/2022 10:36

I'd be livid. And I'd be livid if I was the parents of the house she went to with alcohol. And even more livid finding out parent supplied it. 14 is way to young to be going to parties and drinking.

Essexgalttc · 16/08/2022 11:00

14 is too young in my opinion

At 16 mine and my friends parents allowed a couple of alcopops or low % pre mixed cans at parties.

Of course I did drink sometimes behind parents back between age 16-18 (almost everyone does it right?)

14 is for me too young and I remember my friends mum gave us a vodka and coke and friends 14th birthday and my mum found out and knocked at her door and said I’m too young for alcohol at parties. I remember her being quite annoyed especially as she wasn’t asked if it was OK.

Your partner undermined you, you said no.

SurfBox · 17/08/2022 08:43

At 16 mine and my friends parents allowed a couple of alcopops or low % pre mixed cans at parties

yea if the kids were 16 in this story I'd be like meh but 14 wtf?

Redbone · 17/08/2022 22:39

It might well have been bad parenting but amongst my group of friends at that age there are two professors, two head teachers, a retired deputy chief constable and several others who are high in finance!

Redbone · 17/08/2022 22:40

Sorry my last message was to @carefullycourageous !

Morestrangethings · 25/12/2022 01:12

Twillseeker · 15/08/2022 10:15

My parents gave me alcohol to take to parties from 14 too, just things like Smirnoff ice etc but pretty soon we were still sneaking stronger stuff, she said she thought it would teach me to be responsible and she would rather she knew what I was drinking, that definitely didn’t work. We all did far too much risky stuff as young teens on the back of alcohol and I’m not sure I would have done it if I wasn’t drinking, it led to a lot of underage sex and for me a teenage pregnancy. I was a very shy quiet kid but alcohol gave me confidence and I put myself in some very vulnerable situations. I’m not saying this is the things that happen to every kid because they have a few low alcohol cocktails at a mates but I don’t buy the idea that it makes kids more responsible, some maybe but certainly not the many many kids from my high school.

OP I would be annoyed that your DH went against your wishes, he undermined you and that’s not okay.

A really good post.

Morestrangethings · 25/12/2022 01:40

Lindasllama · 14/08/2022 20:31

Bloody hell . MN is a parallel universe of perfect t parenting ..

My kids were drinking at 14.. smoking weed at 15 .. bizarrely they ALL (7) managed GCSES, A'levels and degrees ..

Don't sweat the small stuff is my advice. The most important thing is that they talk to you . They will do these things with or without your knowledge. Personally I would rather know and therefore be able to step in if anything gets out of hand rather than have teens pretend they are who you want them to be !

**
“My kids were drinking at 14.. smoking weed at 15 .. bizarrely they ALL (7) managed GCSES, A'levels and degrees .”.
**

You were lucky.

Original poster

theanswerunknown · 26/12/2022 00:08

Saw this thread pop up earlier so thought I'd update. This was one issue amongst a range of others (I posted under different usernames) and through the feedback of other posters I started to open my eyes regarding his behaviours/our relationship. He no longer lives with us. I now know after counselling that he is a narcissist who was manipulating us both. It's been tough but my DD and I will get through it...safely.

Thanks to everyone who commented and helped me see the light xx

OP posts:

ScrollingLeaves · 26/12/2022 00:11

You are not being unreasonable
How dare he. What is he playing at.

ScrollingLeaves · 26/12/2022 00:16

I’ve just seen your update. I definitely think you did the right thing for you and your daughter. Well done. He sounds so awful.