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Original poster

Sadness over my embryos

79 replies

cookiesNcrea · 14/08/2022 09:08

Please be kind, I might not be able to articulate my feeling properly on here but will try. I need some advice and support as I have no one I can discuss this with. Family don’t know I had IVF and DH doesn’t care his responses has been “they’re not babies they’re just cells”.

I had IVF in 2014 at a private clinic so all paid by myself. It failed and I had 6 frozen embryos left. I got pregnant naturally so didn’t go for the frozen cycle obviously. Time has passed and the clinic have tried to get in touch with me regarding my frozen embryos. They’re still in storage to this day. I can’t get myself to even make a decision, I’m really sad about my potential babies being there in storage it makes me really upset thinking about them and the life they could have had.

we are not having any more children so IVF is out of the question. What do I do?

OP posts:
HotStickyMess · 14/08/2022 09:17

That’s really difficult

An option could be to donate the embryos www.hfea.gov.uk/donation/donors/donating-your-embryos/

Original poster
cookiesNcrea · 14/08/2022 09:20

I’ve thought about this @HotStickyMess but I will always wonder where they are and if they have a loving family. I work with kids do I have seen how awful some parents can be. What if my babies end up with abusive parents. I just won’t be able to stop wondering.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 14/08/2022 09:21

I don't know what you should do but I think I would feel the same sadness as you, and DH would say exactly what yours did. Difficult situation.

I don't think I could cope with donating them either, that's a whole new set of scenarios that I'd be thinking about.

Original poster
cookiesNcrea · 14/08/2022 09:22

@Sparklingbrook thank you got understanding. Yes I totally agree regarding donating. See my post above.

OP posts:
Original poster
cookiesNcrea · 14/08/2022 09:22

*for not got

OP posts:
PollyRockets · 14/08/2022 09:23

I had the exact same issue when the time came for my embryo freezing to be renewed or for them to be destroyed

Although I know realistically I can't have 8 more children (have 3 already - 8 in the freezer) it feels so wrong to just throw them away

We ended up delaying the decision, so have frozen them for another few years when I hope to have got over it!

sunsoutmumsout · 14/08/2022 09:23

Is there a reason why you haven't elected to use them to give your child a sibling?

I have 2 embryos left frozen after a successful round with twins and I have very complicated feelings towards them - to me they are more than just cells - I can't bring myself to destroy them so clinically

I wouldn't be comfortable donating mine either and it may be that I ask the clinic for a compassionate transfer

Porridgeislife · 14/08/2022 09:23

There is also the option of donating for research. This way you could help another family who is struggling with infertility without the worry of your genetic material being raised by another family.

How have you got away with not paying yearly storage fees? Mine are £350 pa to store and my clinic follows up promptly when the fee is due.

bluberries · 14/08/2022 09:23

Tricky situation. Did they offer any sort of counselling around this when you went through the process initially? I'm wondering if they have someone they can point you to to chat it through

bluberries · 14/08/2022 09:24

@sunsoutmumsout OP has said further children are out of the question so I don't think we need to go down that route. It may only cause further upset.

Babyboomtastic · 14/08/2022 09:30

Realistically, there are 3 options:

  1. you use them yourself, giving the chance for them to live their life, and because your raise them, you know they won't go to a 'bad home '

  2. you donate them to other couples, again giving them a chance of life, but it will leave you with a lot of questions. There's a small chance they will end up in an unsuitable family, but a very good chance that they won't. You'll never know, but you'll know you have them a chance and they are potentially out there.

  3. the embryos are destroyed or used for research, and do not get the chance that you mention, but you are given a conclusive end, be with no questions about your generic children being out there.

Which of these is the least objectionable to your is I guess where its at.

It's not an easy decision 😢

sunsoutmumsout · 14/08/2022 09:30

@bluberries

Just wondered if she always intended to use them but then can't for medical reasons - if she did really want more then I'd say go down the compassionate transfer route rather than if she just doesn't want more children then maybe research is more an appropriate option?

mrslees1 · 14/08/2022 09:31

Hey xx I've been in your situation and had to make the same decision around 18 months ago. I really wanted to go back and use my embryos but sadly I wasn't able to do so for a number of reasons

Whatever decision you make it will be the right one x

bluberries · 14/08/2022 09:32

sunsoutmumsout · 14/08/2022 09:30

@bluberries

Just wondered if she always intended to use them but then can't for medical reasons - if she did really want more then I'd say go down the compassionate transfer route rather than if she just doesn't want more children then maybe research is more an appropriate option?

Ah I see yes. Apologies.

sunsoutmumsout · 14/08/2022 09:36

Although to be fair I don't even know if compassionate transfers are a "thing" in U.K. clinics I read about it in another forum

Speedweed · 14/08/2022 09:36

Ask the clinic to do what's known as a 'compassionate transfer' - they defrost the embryos and transfer them to you when you're on the pill or your uterus is not at fertile point in your cycle - basically a time when you're not going to get pregnant.

It brings your embryos home to you and is a good way to bring about closure, without leaving the clinic to defrost them, donating to research or to another family, if those choices aren't right for you.

You're not being silly to feel as you do - these are little potential sparks of life, but equally it's good to finalise the baby making chapter of your life in a way that feels right for you, and to devote the storage fees to giving your child the best life you can.

LoveKingGary · 14/08/2022 09:37

We are in a similar position, with 2 frozen embryos that realistically we know we'll never use. I do not think of them as 'just cells' as they represent so much more to me.

I think we will end up donating them to research/training in the hope that some good comes from their creation and destruction. Embryologists need specimins to work on to improve fertility treatment for everyone who needs it, so perhaps our little embryos will help in some small way towards that.

I was open to the idea of donating them to a couple in need but DH can't get his head around that , which is understandable.

I think once we've made the final decision and told the clinic we will mark it ourselves in our private way.

Letshoptoit · 14/08/2022 09:37

Totally get this and have to say I was very grateful that we didn’t end up with embryos left over and having to make difficult decision.

Does your clinic participate in research or training? How would you feel about your embryos being used for either of these and helping other people have families in the way you had yours?

Crazycatlady83 · 14/08/2022 09:37

If you ignore the clinic long enough, what will happen? Will they destroy them because the fees aren't being paid?

This must be a situation the clinic see, do they have a counsellor you could speak too?

LoveKingGary · 14/08/2022 09:38

I would love a compassionate transfer but our clinic will not offer this.

Original poster
cookiesNcrea · 14/08/2022 09:41

I’ve not considered compassionate transfer but I really like the idea.

we have paid for the storage but I think they will keep them and invoice us when we get in touch. I don’t know really. I remember seeing an email saying if we choose to keep in storage they will bill us.

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 14/08/2022 09:43

Ask the clinic to do what's known as a 'compassionate transfer' - they defrost the embryos and transfer them to you when you're on the pill or your uterus is not at fertile point in your cycle - basically a time when you're not going to get pregnant.

OP would need to do this more than once wouldn’t she? No reputable clinic is going to transfer 6 embryos at once, there’s always a chance she could get pregnant, I’ve read on here often enough about women getting pregnant at a time in their cycle when they thought they couldn’t.

Sparklingbrook · 14/08/2022 09:45

Reading about the compassionate transfer I would find that quite traumatic I think.

CoreyTaylorsbiggestfan · 14/08/2022 09:45

If further children are definitely out of the picture I would ask for them not to be kept.
No way could I donate to other couples as I don't view them as cells, (that's a whole ethical thing in itself).
Also I don't think I could wrap my head around them being used in research either.
It's like the decision that your not going to have any more children and coming to terms with that. That feeling might not go away for a very long time and if your 100% not going to have more children it sounds that the best way is to ask for them not to be kept.

bluberries · 14/08/2022 09:47

Sparklingbrook · 14/08/2022 09:45

Reading about the compassionate transfer I would find that quite traumatic I think.

Yes I would really think this through if you are considering this.

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