Sadness over my embryos

[cookiesNcrea]

Please be kind, I might not be able to articulate my feeling properly on here but will try. I need some advice and support as I have no one I can discuss this with. Family don’t know I had IVF and DH doesn’t care his responses has been “they’re not babies they’re just cells”.

I had IVF in 2014 at a private clinic so all paid by myself. It failed and I had 6 frozen embryos left. I got pregnant naturally so didn’t go for the frozen cycle obviously. Time has passed and the clinic have tried to get in touch with me regarding my frozen embryos. They’re still in storage to this day. I can’t get myself to even make a decision, I’m really sad about my potential babies being there in storage it makes me really upset thinking about them and the life they could have had.

we are not having any more children so IVF is out of the question. What do I do?

I haven't been in this position but I think it's more complicated than being 'abusive or not abusive'.

for example I'm Jewish - not religious but 100% genetically Jewish, which was recently confirmed when I had my DNA analysed. Main reason was to see if I had the BRCA genes which are very common in Ashkenazi Jews and I have a major family history of breast cancer.

If I donated embryos, any resulting children would not know their genetic heritage. They would not understand their connection to Jewish people and our history. They might plausibly be raised by a family with some antisemitic views (not unusual), which could cause massive distress if they ever had their dna analysed and realised they were Jewish.

In short I personally would find it impossible to donate an embryo to an unknown couple, to know there was a child who was 100% my and my husband's child, but being raised in another family.

Op, in your position I think i would opt to either have the embryos disposed of, or donate them to research.

Best of luck, it's a tough one xx

I haven't read all replies so maybe someone has said this but I have heard about 'compassionate transfer' I think it is called, which is basically where embryos that you don't want to turn into babies are put back into your body at the wrong time of the month, so you know you won't implant. I think the idea is that you are returning them to their 'rightful place' and your body will absorb them (although maybe you also shed them in your period but the absorb thing rings a bell). I don't imagine it's super common but I've heard about it on fertility podcasts.

I've never heard of compassionate transfer before but I really don't see the point of it. It's just the woman undergoing another medical procedure and this time completely unnecessary. The embryo is being destroyed either way, whether the clinic disposes of it or the woman's body is used to dispose of it.

I'm also not sure I would want to take the risk if I definitely did not want to have another baby. Stranger things have happened

I've had 2 20 week losses in the last year, the last one resulted in emergency surgery. I have 5 embryos frozen. No way I can put myself or my family through another pregnancy that will likely have the same outcome so I'm in a similar position, it's so hard.

My friend was the same - didn't want to destroy or donate full siblings.

In the end after many years of paying for them to stay frozen, they decided to thaw not expecting any to be viable. I think only 2 were viable and to their complete shock that had a baby.

I know you've decided to not have anymore but realistically what are the chances of a child coming out of defrosting them?

It is a very emotional and difficult to decision and there isn't a "right choice".

Personally I think compassionate transfers make no sense. You choose it knowing there won't be a baby but to pretend to yourself it wasn't destruction if the embryo. Who are you trying to kid with that?

It wouldn't be about that for me. It would be a feeling that I was bringing them home, and spending a little time with them before they were gone. And that I'd know exactly when they were gone.

My clinic said if we opt to have them destroyed they essentially just put them in the clinical waste at some point, when someone gets round to it. So we would not know the day or the method and it would feel very...meaningless somehow.

I can't offer them a chance at life but I feel like they deserve a bit more dignity in their destruction than just being thrown away at the behest of someone's to do list. I feel like compassionate transfer would offer me that feeling and that is why it would be right for me, if it were an option.

@bababysharksb1tch I didn't know this was possible - thank you for sharing ❤

OP, also look up Jizo - from the Japanese shinto religion, he is the helper of 'unborn' children - embryos, miscarriages, stillbirths - he collects their spirits and takes them safely to the afterlife. I found it comforting, even though he's not of my religion, to know of his existence.

Could they be donated for research?

I did read on another thread though from someone who works/knows someone in embryology that embryos given for research are rarely used for that purpose and just get destroyed? Maybe because of the increase in couples going through IVF now and the number of embryos being created

I don't think I could just agree to them being discarded with clinical waste. They are a part of me - the last embryos DH and I will ever make - (no Fallopian tubes left) - after years of infertility and loss they are already miracles to me to have made it so far to actually become blastocysts. I think I'd quite like to bring them home. I have other babies I lost whose ashes are spread at a memorial garden so I think I'd take them there so they'd all be together

Full blastocyst donation is a very personal thing - not something I'd ever do. They are "my" children no one else's

@LoveKingGary and @

Apologies, I'll try again!

@LoveKingGary and @sunsoutmumsout your feelings echo mine exactly.

Our plan was to donate to research when we initially set out to have IVF. That changed after the birth of our last baby and we couldn't do it.

For me personally, there is no way we would have donated a blastocyst. This was for the sake of our children. Imagine if they met and fell in love with someone who was actually their full sibling?!

Didn't you have to discuss this before starting IVF? We did.

We chose to donate them to science. We wanted them to help someone, but weren't comfortable with donating them to another couple.

I was you. A long time ago now. I decided to let the clinic thaw our four remaining ones. Our clinic was a million miles away in Australia (we were in the UK). I made a daisy chain of 4 daisies and placed it in the river close to our home. I just felt that their short embryonic existence needed marking. If it helps at all, it gets easier over time. At least with thawing. I don't think I could have coped with the worry that they were being treated badly as children. I didn't like the idea of invasive research on them either. This is the first time I've thought about it in years.

I found it hard to let ours go too. DH was against donating to another couple so we donated for research. Before that spent 5 years paying for storage even though I knew we wouldn't use them - just took me that long to be ready. Logically I know it was the right decision but it did make me sad. I don't think about them very often now though

Having had a beautiful DS through embryo adoption, i'd urge you to consider donating. You could give a couple suffering with infertility the chance of raising a family.
Ultimately your choice though

I had a compassionate transfer in the US.

It resulted in DS!

So not recommended if you don't want more babies OP

@lookingformeavain 😮

Thanking the good Lord I didn't have a compassionate transfer for my four.

We are in this position. There was a discussion about it on womens hour on radio 4 a while back. I think there are thousands of us delaying because we don't need/can't use them but can't face destroying them.

It's upsetting to read that even if yo I donate to research they may just be chucked out anyway 😕

I couldn't donate to another couple, I would be haunted by the idea of my children existing but being lost to me.

Bringing them home and marking their existence in some way seems a good idea. I think honestly I will just keep paying for mine until menopause though. I need the decision taken from me

I Hope it was happy news for you. I must say it sounds like a bit of a crazy risk if you don't want more!

I know everyone has different perspectives but in my experience little souls are up there waiting to come down to have a physical experience so I would see them as coming in when that opportunity is there which it isn't at the moment..
Some would say too we make soul contracts before we come with the children we're meant to have so I do believe we have the children we're meant to xx

I donated mine to research, I asked what exactly that meant and basically they get used to help train embryologist transfer them.

They are certainly more than just a bundle of cells. But it seemed daft to pay for storage knowing our family was complete and we were too old to consider another.

I had a crazy mind blown moment not that long ago as one child asked "could you plant the beans out a green bean?" DH replied "they've been frozen so wont grow". I looked at my IVF Child thinking . "You were once deeply frozen like a frozen green bean and you grew"

I feel so emotional reading this thread and some of the hugely empathetic, thoughtful responses - thank you.

I’ve wondered and worried about this for ages as I’m in the same position - 6 frozen embryos and twins from a successful first cycle who are now tweens. I’m early 40s and would not have another child now. I’ve been paying for storage for over 10 years! My DH thinks it’s madness, and it probably is, but clearly this thread shows I’m not alone!

I regret not having another child from the frozen embryos when my twins were younger, but realistically I think I would have found the process and pregnancy difficult a second time.

I’ve often thought about posting a thread on it so thank you to the OP and I truly sympathise.

like a PP I’m probably waiting for menopause to have the decision taken from me.

I feel the same way as many posters re donating them to another couple - can’t get on board with that and yes it would haunt me and I’d become obsessed with the thought of what happened to “my babies”.

never heard of compassionate transfer but would not do this I don’t think.

I guess I would consider donating them, if they were to be used for training embryologists.

I still remember ours, he was amazing and spoke to us to say we had a couple of really good ones (I don’t remember the details). I remember thinking, how can this person have such an impact on our lives - and don’t even know his name.

Best thing that ever happened to me 🥲

I totally understand this. I have embryos left - hoping to have another transfer when my baby is around 1 year old. I couldn't imagine destroying any embryos left. I really couldn't. I do see them as my babies.

I don't think they do it here, I'm not sure but I know in America you can choose to have embryos put inside you altogether at a time you definitely wouldn't get pregnant.

I was reading about this a few months ago where women didn't want to donate them and didn't want to destroy them so they had them put in at a time during their cycle that the clinic agreed they couldn't get pregnant etc. and obviously were not given medication to support a pregnancy like you normally would be.