Sadness over my embryos

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Please be kind, I might not be able to articulate my feeling properly on here but will try. I need some advice and support as I have no one I can discuss this with. Family don’t know I had IVF and DH doesn’t care his responses has been “they’re not babies they’re just cells”.

I had IVF in 2014 at a private clinic so all paid by myself. It failed and I had 6 frozen embryos left. I got pregnant naturally so didn’t go for the frozen cycle obviously. Time has passed and the clinic have tried to get in touch with me regarding my frozen embryos. They’re still in storage to this day. I can’t get myself to even make a decision, I’m really sad about my potential babies being there in storage it makes me really upset thinking about them and the life they could have had.

we are not having any more children so IVF is out of the question. What do I do?

I've been in this situation and decided to donate for research as a middle ground. I didn't like the idea of donating for someone else to use but couldn't see them go to waste either. I take comfort in the fact the hopefully they have gone towards making the IVF process more successful for future families.

I don’t share your feelings, but I have had IVF and I know how hard parts of it can be. Everyone is different. Can you bring them home, somehow? Not to store, obviously, but to, well, lay to rest? They can’t stay there for ever, and it’s making you sad. Perhaps you need to bring them home and say goodbye in a way that’s meaningful for you. If it were me, I’d bury them in my garden and plant a tree, but there will be lots of other things that you might prefer.

It’s hard 💐

I think donating them for research would be the best option. They are potential children but it's a mistake to view them as babies, they aren't, but they can help other people have babies in future which would be an amazing thing.

I would think from a spiritual point of view that they're not babies until they've been implanted and given life so to speak by the placenta.. That's that's when the soul would come in - the jury out's but it seems the soul comes in and out all through pregnancy and only settles in later on so from that point of view they really aren't children yet, I hope that makes sense..
It depends if you're spiritual or not. I would see the souls as waiting to come down and only coming down when conditions are right so in that instance they wouldn't come, they're not there.. Does that make sense?
It's a different perspective but it's how I would see it xx

I would donate them to research too - in fact I think I've said that to my clinic where I currently have one in storage. That way you're helping other couples without full on donating them if you know what I mean.

I wouldn't bury or do anything full on. It's not a death - it was a potential for life (that may not have stuck anyway) that ultimately gave you your child. It's positive they existed - I'd want to do something positive with them!

Definitely research.

Sorry ultimately COULD HAVE given you a child.

I would absolutely donate them to research. Then their existence has done some good by helping others

I think I’d rather have the embryos as ashes than I would CT.

If I had had any left, I absolutely intended to donate them for research. They’re not babies, they just have the potential to develop in certain conditions. The potential benefit for other couples was compelling for me. But we used ours without success and didn’t have any to freeze from our last successful cycle, so I never had to follow through with it. I can’t imagine that my position would have changed though - I’m too grateful for the science that led to our family.

After my last IVF baby was born I couldn't bare to destroy them or donate them so our clinic thawed them for us and I took them home. They now live in my bedside table and sleep next to me every night.

My apologies if this is upsetting, don't feel you have to answer, but I didn't realise this was an option, what are they stored in?

I think I'd donate them if it were me. I know you say that some parents are neglectful, abusive etc but realistically, a couple who are using donated embryos must have been trying for quite a while and to keep trying beyond initial fertility tests says to me that they really really want children and are vanishingly unlikely to be abusive parents.

A child wanted so desperately that you will go through an invasive procedure is going to be cherished.

@bluberries not a problem to answer and I don't find it upsetting. I just rang my clinic and asked. I thought, if they are only going to chuck them in the bin then why can't I have them? Then they said they can thaw and give them to me to take home.

I haven't got beyond taking them out of the plastic bag they came in. They are little drops of liquid in vials at the moment. I did consider planting them, but felt strongly like they needed to stay together and stay in the house with their family. I know that sounds stupid. My plan is to get a wooden box to keep them in eventually.

Oh ladies, let me tell you I feel for you all.

thank you all for you kind and thoughtful messages and thank you for the Informstion you’ve shared with me. I’ve read and re-read every single post and thank you all so much.

@Rowen32 thats lovely what you’ve written about the soul. I’ve been thinking a lot about this but didn’t want to post, in my mind I though the soul would enter from the moment of conception. I feel really guilty that they never had a chance at life.

@babysharksb1tch just read your message 💐

@babysharksb1tch Thank you for sharing. I don't think that sounds stupid at all, it sounds lovely.

Would it be possible to have a piece of jewellery made out of them?

I have had IVF but thankfully did not have this dilemma. I sympathise with all who have.

I had 5 on ice after falling with my now 10 year old.
I donated them all to other women.

Maybe find someone compassionate to talk this through with and perhaps with the option of doing something at the end.. ceremony, planting, acknowledging their part these in bringing your child here.

I would donate to research and train up new embryologists. I have one left and I might do that.

I would donate to research and train up new embryologists. I have one left and I might do that. At least some good will come of it.

We donated our embryos to the clinic to do research.

We had our IVF done at the most reputable clinic in the country and yet I sometimes worry that they might have somehow forced mitosis and that my children now have 10+ full siblings running around somewhere. After all, there is a serious lack of donor eggs and that was also the case when we had the IVF.

Back home one needs to pre-decide before IVF what would happen with frosties after X amount of storage time. You can't postpone indefinitely. I think that's a much more solid system.

Can you try to imagine that a dear friend/daughter/sister of yours would underground IVF in that system? What option (anonymous donation, destruction, medical research) would you gently recommend to her?

Personally I think compassionate transfers make no sense. You choose it knowing there won't be a baby but to pretend to yourself it wasn't destruction if the embryo. Who are you trying to kid with that?

I was contacted by my IVF clinic about 5-6 years after we finished treatment, unfortunately for us, it never resulted in a viable pregnancy. I lost the second embryo at 14 weeks. Just when I had plucked up courage to tell people I was pregnant.
Husband and I split up about a year before they contacted me about what to do with the embryos. I didn’t have the money for storage, couldn’t see myself being able to afford IVF and go it alone. I spoke to the clinic, and we agreed that they could give them to other women, or use them to help in research so that many women could benefit.
I never thought of them as babies, perhaps because I’ve not been fortunate enough to ever have one. I’m glad I did what I did, and equally glad I don’t know what happened to them. It doesn’t haunt me, but it was 20 years ago.

all the best with your decision, OP.