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AIBU?

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Original poster

Provision in will

100 replies

badgerstink · 13/08/2022 12:22

I know inheritance is an emotive issue so would be grateful for your take in this

DP is divorced but has protracted financial issues/ties with ExW. They have no kids

We have been together for 4 years. Have a nice life. We aren't married and are unlikely to get married in the near future. Mostly this is down to him due to dreadful experiences with his ExW

His earnings far outstrip mine, he earns 5/6 times as much and as such pays the lions share of our day to day living. I've said to him that I would feel more secure if he made provision for me in the event of his death. I should say he is currently quite well and I've no plans to bump him off. I am however mindful that if something dreadful happened I could in no way continue with the lifestyle we have. At present everything would go to his dad and sister. I get on with them ok but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't pass anything to me.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous. He has no plans do die anytime soon (he's 44). We are currently renting but may look to buy in the next 12 months

I see his failure to provide any security in the event of his death as a show of non commitment to our relationship and lack of concern for my long term security. I am 39. I have 1 adult DC who is my sole beneficiary

What's your take? Assets would be considerable on his part

OP posts:
Badgirlriri · 13/08/2022 12:26

I also have a DP who earns a lot more than me and I wouldn’t even consider asking him to put a provision in his will that keeps me accustomed to the lifestyle we have.
I’d be devastated and would just be prepared to go back to my previous lifestyle where I managed on my own wages and lived within my means.

Chasingsquirrels · 13/08/2022 12:29

He doesn't want to marry you, and he isn't overly interested in protecting you in the event of his death - not unreasonable as you've only been together 4 years, don't own a house together and don't have any joint children.

You don't say what assets you have that your DC would be the beneficiary of, but it equally sounds like you aren't interested in protecting your DP in the event of your death (albeit that at the moment it doesn't sound like he needs it).

Maybe things will change as and when you buy a house together.

HappyHamsters · 13/08/2022 12:31

I would hope you both make Wills if you do buy a property together but youre not married, have no joint assets unless you have joint bank accounts. Have you made a Will. If he were to die then you may meet someone else, which is not really his responsibility is it. What lifestyle do you think he should provide you with. he already contributes more financially.

Original poster
badgerstink · 13/08/2022 12:40

Sorry I should have said; my main assets are somewhat tricky as form part of a wider family trust with stipulations on how they can be passed on. That said if he wanted or needed it he could potentially draw an income from this although not take a share in the trust

I'm scared that I've the potential to lose a partner and a home in one fell swoop. His family history for longevity isn't great

If I shuffled off this mortal coil tomorrow he wouldn't see any financial impact.

We have spoken about how we would leave any future property and that would like be joint tenants which would provide security to both

OP posts:
TooHotToTangoToo · 13/08/2022 12:42

I'd expect him to make provisions for you with regards to any house or living arrangements. The last thing you'd want is to get kicked out of your home because his relatives want to sell it m. Even if it's just a life interest for you to continue to live in the home until your death

HotHeatDays · 13/08/2022 12:46

So you want him to make provision for him but not vice versa?

Bunnycat101 · 13/08/2022 12:48

Really the time to raise this is when/if you buy a property together. If you’re currently renting and don’t have dependents I can see why he wouldn’t be rushing re a will. Life insurance may be something he’d be more open to considering.

MsPincher · 13/08/2022 12:48

If you’re joint tenants then you will inherit the house automatically. If you are worried about how you would pay the mortgage, get life insurance. To be honest I wouldn’t leave anything much to a partner, it will all go to my kids.

HappyHamsters · 13/08/2022 12:50

If you buy somewhere together put it in as joint tenants but as you're renting would it help if he had money put aside for say 3 months for the rent if you're not able to afford it yourself.

Original poster
badgerstink · 13/08/2022 12:57

I should say I work full time and earn a reasonable wage. About a year ago I said I wanted to buy a property in my own name so I had security but he was very anti this as he wants us to buy together and get a better property than I could afford on my own.

I feel Like he holds all the cards and I'm very vulnerable

OP posts:
Hont1986 · 13/08/2022 13:00

The last thing you'd want is to get kicked out of your home because his relatives want to sell it m. Even if it's just a life interest for you to continue to live in the home until your death

She's 39! She could be there for the next 50 years!
**

HappyHamsters · 13/08/2022 13:03

badgerstink · 13/08/2022 12:57

I should say I work full time and earn a reasonable wage. About a year ago I said I wanted to buy a property in my own name so I had security but he was very anti this as he wants us to buy together and get a better property than I could afford on my own.

I feel Like he holds all the cards and I'm very vulnerable

You do not need his permission to buy your own property, does he want to buy together so that he has a better property if you split up or you shuffled off.

TooHotToTangoToo · 13/08/2022 13:08

Buy together but he puts something in his will for his half, or buy on your own, you need to protect your own financial independence. If he's not going to support that, you need to sort it yourself

Original poster
badgerstink · 13/08/2022 13:09

@HappyHamsters I think he saw it as me moving in the opposite direction to a commited, joint future which is why I don't understand his resistance to proving me with security. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying I should be entitled to all his assets but I'd be more comfortable to know I have, say, 12 months whereby I can get my head together and plan a future without being forced out on my uppers.

OP posts:
AtillatheHun · 13/08/2022 13:15

So what is it about working full time and earning a reasonable wage plus having access to trust assets and a rich boyfriend that makes you feel so vulnerable? I wonder if it’s your attitude to finances that needs attention rather than his will? What makes you so insecure in a privileged position?

Fenella123 · 13/08/2022 13:16

Bottom line, if you're not married don't take any financial / security hit for the other partner.

If you buy together, how much would it cost to insure his life so that you could buy out his heirs if he dies?
What would you do if the two of you break up? If you factor in these costs (life insurance, saving so you COULD get your own place if needed) then the amount you can contribute towards the joint home naturally reduces. The joint place might not be as bigger and nicer as DP hopes!

TBH it's not just the will here. People can and do break up all the time and afaik you can't insure against that!

HotHeatDays · 13/08/2022 13:19

badgerstink · 13/08/2022 12:57

I should say I work full time and earn a reasonable wage. About a year ago I said I wanted to buy a property in my own name so I had security but he was very anti this as he wants us to buy together and get a better property than I could afford on my own.

I feel Like he holds all the cards and I'm very vulnerable

But you don't. You want him to make provision for you but you won't do the same.

I wouldn't be ok with someone buying a property in their name only either.

luxxlisbon · 13/08/2022 13:22

I am however mindful that if something dreadful happened I could in no way continue with the lifestyle we have.

I mean.. too bad.
You wouldn’t be able to live the lifestyle if he broke up with you either.

CredibilityProblem · 13/08/2022 13:27

Just get some life insurance. You should be able to get enough coverage at a very affordable price for a healthy forty four year old man to tide you over in the event that he dies before you but a house together. When you do buy then you'll need to discuss the joint tenant/tenant in common issue.

katishot · 13/08/2022 13:28

It's only been 4 years. You aren't married and you have no children together.
I think it's too early in the relationship for him to make provision for you in your will.
You should be concentrating on your own financial security. The relationship could breakdown for any number of reasons and then you'd also been in the position of not being able to afford the lifestyle to which you have become accustomed....
Before you buy a house with him you need to ensure that everything is legally watertight so that in the event of a split there are no difficulties with who contributed what etc.
A split is more likely than him dying.

TheArtfulScreamer1 · 13/08/2022 13:30

You've no children and no shared assets to protect so I see no reason for will provision in fact if I'm honest it seems a bit grabby. If you're concerned about how you'd survive in the first few months should he pass away take out life insurance on him.

Original poster
badgerstink · 13/08/2022 13:35

CredibilityProblem · 13/08/2022 13:27

Just get some life insurance. You should be able to get enough coverage at a very affordable price for a healthy forty four year old man to tide you over in the event that he dies before you but a house together. When you do buy then you'll need to discuss the joint tenant/tenant in common issue.

That's a very good suggestion and one I will make to him, thanks

OP posts:
Swithpenguins · 13/08/2022 13:36

Seems grabby to me.

Jedsnewstar · 13/08/2022 13:52

We aren't married and are unlikely to get married in the near future. Mostly this is down to him due to dreadful experiences with his ExW

This is one of the playbook lines unfortunately. Men who say this are often married writhing a few months to someone they want to marry. Blaming the ex wife and how awful she was. I would also see it as a red flag.

tootrueblue · 13/08/2022 13:57

I think you ought to buy a home and get life insurance for both of you. At least you'd own 50% of that if he died. Though I'd also want a stipulation that I can live in the home until my death or I remarry, so his family couldn't push me out (if he left his 50% to his family)