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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Provision in will

100 replies

badgerstink · 13/08/2022 12:22

I know inheritance is an emotive issue so would be grateful for your take in this

DP is divorced but has protracted financial issues/ties with ExW. They have no kids

We have been together for 4 years. Have a nice life. We aren't married and are unlikely to get married in the near future. Mostly this is down to him due to dreadful experiences with his ExW

His earnings far outstrip mine, he earns 5/6 times as much and as such pays the lions share of our day to day living. I've said to him that I would feel more secure if he made provision for me in the event of his death. I should say he is currently quite well and I've no plans to bump him off. I am however mindful that if something dreadful happened I could in no way continue with the lifestyle we have. At present everything would go to his dad and sister. I get on with them ok but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't pass anything to me.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous. He has no plans do die anytime soon (he's 44). We are currently renting but may look to buy in the next 12 months

I see his failure to provide any security in the event of his death as a show of non commitment to our relationship and lack of concern for my long term security. I am 39. I have 1 adult DC who is my sole beneficiary

What's your take? Assets would be considerable on his part

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 13/08/2022 16:11

Her son could still inherit - they just agree that when they buy a property together there is a stipulation in the will that the surviving partner has a limited ‘right to reside’ e.g. a year, two years whatever before the property is sold. If basic security in the event of a partner’s death is the thing at stake, life insurance and a right to reside clause in any will is all that’s needed.

Stripedbag101 · 13/08/2022 16:13

It seems more likely that you will split than he does young.

what are your plans if that happens?

HotHeatDays · 13/08/2022 16:16

badgerstink · 13/08/2022 16:08

I've already said earlier I do not expect to inherit everything he's worked for. I can however not afford to cover the rental in our current home on my own. It would eat up 75% of my salary

What I would like is enough to give me sometime to set up a new life - 6 months, 12 months or so. If his situation changed and he was in my position as lower earner then I'd have no qualms about providing him with sufficient to do the same.

It just happens at this time he is fortunate enough that should anything happen to me it would adversely affect him financially.

I think the insurance policy is a good idea and will broach it with him later

So not willing to have an insurance for him then? Pp is right you are coming accross as grabby. You earn a decent wage yourself. Either you both insure each other or not at all.

Original poster

badgerstink · 13/08/2022 16:18

Stripedbag101 · 13/08/2022 16:13

It seems more likely that you will split than he does young.

what are your plans if that happens?

If that happens we will at least have time to find places we both like (we've a terrible lack of housing here) and choose where we each go rather than be forced into making knee jerk decisions based on circumstances.

OP posts:

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 13/08/2022 16:20

If he's the paying the vast majority of expenses and you have enough saved to apparently buy a property of your own, could you not use that money to rent/buy a place if he passes away?

Quincythequince · 13/08/2022 16:40

YABVU.

Together 4 years, no joint assets, no kids, he pays for most everything?!

Why on earth would he make provision for you in his will? And why would you expect it?

I can’t quite believe that this is serious tbh.

LakieLady · 13/08/2022 16:43

YANBU. My partner died without a will, and I'd have been (even more) in the shit if my DSS hadn't been very decent and given me the few grand DP had in the bank.

Ironically, we were planning to get married and sort our wills out when Covid happened, and he died a few months later.

None of us know when we will die. I lost a friend who was only 20. He had an aneurysm and died of a brain haemorrhage, completely unexpectedly.

Quincythequince · 13/08/2022 16:44

badgerstink · 13/08/2022 14:24

I guess my question should be why would you not seek to protect someone you love in the event of your death? I don't see that as a grabby thing

If my partner to whom I wasn’t married, had no kids with and had been with only for years asked me to include them in my will, I would be 😱😱😱😱

If you have children, or jointly buy property together, then it’s different, but outside of that, why aren’t you putting measures in place to make yourself financially more secure?

Runwalkskijump · 13/08/2022 16:48

badgerstink · 13/08/2022 14:24

I guess my question should be why would you not seek to protect someone you love in the event of your death? I don't see that as a grabby thing

You aren't willing to protect him though are you.

Original poster

badgerstink · 13/08/2022 16:54

LakieLady · 13/08/2022 16:43

YANBU. My partner died without a will, and I'd have been (even more) in the shit if my DSS hadn't been very decent and given me the few grand DP had in the bank.

Ironically, we were planning to get married and sort our wills out when Covid happened, and he died a few months later.

None of us know when we will die. I lost a friend who was only 20. He had an aneurysm and died of a brain haemorrhage, completely unexpectedly.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Most seem to think I'm being a grabby cow but genuinely I need to have enough peace of mind that should the worst happen I've enough money to start again. My saving s which would be my house deposit would only cover rent for 5 months or so. DP chose the house we live in and whilst it's lovely I wouldn't live here without him (which is just as well as I can't afford it)

Unfortunately with DS at uni although in theory I should have lots of disposable income in practice this doesn't always happen.

OP posts:

Original poster

badgerstink · 13/08/2022 16:58

@Runwalkskijump I've said his income is such that financially he doesn't need me to. If he did need me to that would be a different matter and yes I'd be willing to put measures in place accordingly.

I think the best and fairest option for both of us is a joint policy. That way we both keep our own assets

OP posts:

burnoutbabe · 13/08/2022 16:59

okay well yes, he probably does need to give you access to enough money to cover his share of the rent/bills until you can give notice.

How much would that be? And why would not say £10k in a joint bank account cover that - it would go direct to you on death (and you don't touch it when alive obvioysly)

but you do seem very worried about him dying? in practise if he died, you'd tell the landlord you couldn't afford it on your own and he would serve notice on you so you'd get a few months to move out. His estate could pay any o/s rent.

Original poster

badgerstink · 13/08/2022 17:02

@burnoutbabe we've a few friends who are unwell with cancer diagnosis at present and it's made me think 'what if'. I am also an anxious catastrophiser which doesn't help

OP posts:

GoodThinkingMax · 13/08/2022 17:23

am however mindful that if something dreadful happened I could in no way continue with the lifestyle we have.

It’s also your responsibility to develop your own lifestyle.

And if you want to have some financial independence, then buy your own property, or invest in some way. You don’t have children together, so in terms of this particular partnership, you’ve not sacrificed your time or career for a joint cause, such as bearing and raising “his” children.

So maybe you need to try to calm down your tendency towards “anxious catastrophising” by taking control. If you approached your financial planning in this way, and also approach a conversation with your partner in this way, you might be able to find some common ground.

And independence.

luxxlisbon · 13/08/2022 17:36

What I would like is enough to give me sometime to set up a new life - 6 months, 12 months or so

Interesting how you have pulled back on the “maintaining your lifestyle” thing several pages in.
Anyway, he’s paying for most of the rent and bills now so that should be allowing you the ability to save an emergency fund of 6 months rent if you choose to. You aren’t prioritising this, you aren’t having to pay much of the bills and are still managing to fritter away your ‘significant disposable income’.

katishot · 13/08/2022 17:56

My saving s which would be my house deposit would only cover rent for 5 months or so. DP chose the house we live in and whilst it's lovely I wouldn't live here without him (which is just as well as I can't afford it)

That would be enough time to find a cheaper place to live.
And you can continue to add to savings now.
I think you are expecting too much given the circumstances/length of the relationship.
And you really do need to ensure you have enough to start again in the event of a split - because while you say that you'd have time to sort things, both find a new place to live etc, often in practice, splits are messy and you don't want to be hanging around in the same house until you can afford to rent somewhere else.

Sort out your own financial independence first.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 13/08/2022 18:10

Most seem to think I'm being a grabby cow but genuinely I need to have enough peace of mind that should the worst happen I've enough money to start again.

But you need to make sure of that yourself - it's not his responsibility to have savings for you.

Then if the worst happens, you give notice and use that money to pay the rent while you look for a new place.

Unfortunately with DS at uni although in theory I should have lots of disposable income in practice this doesn't always happen.

Surely DS needs to get a job and support himself? Or you need to find a way to increase your earnings and savings, not expect your partner to provide for you after he's gone.

ancientgran · 13/08/2022 18:21

Jedsnewstar · 13/08/2022 13:52

We aren't married and are unlikely to get married in the near future. Mostly this is down to him due to dreadful experiences with his ExW

This is one of the playbook lines unfortunately. Men who say this are often married writhing a few months to someone they want to marry. Blaming the ex wife and how awful she was. I would also see it as a red flag.

My DH said it to me 37 years ago. It was true, she had virtually bankrupted him and he wasn't comfortable about money/property at all. Here we are 37 years later with all our savings in my name and the house in joint names so I think he's got over it.

FinallyHere · 13/08/2022 19:00

if something dreadful happened I could in no way continue with the lifestyle we have. At present everything would go to his dad and sister. I get on with them ok but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't pass anything to me.

FinallyHere · 13/08/2022 19:10

Soz. Posted too soon.

I'm all for independence but it does of course have downsides too. The bit about his sibling etc inheriting is fair enough unless and until you are married. Then at least some would reasonably be yours.

He does indeed hold a lot of the cards. That doesn't stop you deciding you are not happy and leaving. There is a lot to be said for having your independence.

You could take out the life insurance policy in his name. It doesn't have to be him who does that.

If you are not happy with your current situation, the sooner you make alternative arrangements the better. Meanwhile, whatever you do, do not get pregnant while not married to him.

Getoff · 13/08/2022 19:13

Soontobe60 · 13/08/2022 14:12

I’m pretty sure you don’t need his permission for you to take out life insurance on him.

Show quote history

I'm not so sure about that. I recall that in the UK the murder mystery plot of taking out insurance on someone else then bumping them off doesn't work, because you can't take out insurance on someone elses life. I did a quick google, and the first thing I found said you had to be a spouse or civil partner in order to take out insurance on someone else.

What could work is for him to take out insurance nominating her as beneficiary. If she paid the actual premiums, he'd have no reason not to agree. (Other fear she might bump him off.)

Getoff · 13/08/2022 19:16

In the UK, whether you can get insurance for another person will usually depend on your ability to prove that you’d suffer financially if this person were to die. This is referred to as ‘insurable interest’.

In current UK law, insurable interest extends only to civil partners and spouses – but not to other immediate family (ie. parents, siblings).

www.onlinemoneyadvisor.co.uk/insurance/life-insurance/life-insurance-for-someone-else/

CredibilityProblem · 13/08/2022 19:19

You can take out insurance on someone else's life if you have an insurable interest - in this case the OP would briefly struggle financially without her DP's help paying the rent so should pass the test as long as she wasn't looking to purchase an unreasonably high cover. It's more tricky than it would be for a spouse though, you'd need to go through an intermediary, so it would be easier and cheaper if he did it himself with OP named as beneficiary, and she could reimburse him for the premiums.

Original poster

badgerstink · 13/08/2022 19:20

Thanks @Getoff I read that earlier and I'm going to suggest it. I think it could be exactly the solution to my issue

OP posts:

Quincythequince · 13/08/2022 19:46

So he won’t make provision for you in a will. And so you want to take out life insurance on him?

Am I the only one who thinks this is most distasteful.

Seriously??

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