Provision in will

[badgerstink]

I know inheritance is an emotive issue so would be grateful for your take in this

DP is divorced but has protracted financial issues/ties with ExW. They have no kids

We have been together for 4 years. Have a nice life. We aren't married and are unlikely to get married in the near future. Mostly this is down to him due to dreadful experiences with his ExW

His earnings far outstrip mine, he earns 5/6 times as much and as such pays the lions share of our day to day living. I've said to him that I would feel more secure if he made provision for me in the event of his death. I should say he is currently quite well and I've no plans to bump him off. I am however mindful that if something dreadful happened I could in no way continue with the lifestyle we have. At present everything would go to his dad and sister. I get on with them ok but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't pass anything to me.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous. He has no plans do die anytime soon (he's 44). We are currently renting but may look to buy in the next 12 months

I see his failure to provide any security in the event of his death as a show of non commitment to our relationship and lack of concern for my long term security. I am 39. I have 1 adult DC who is my sole beneficiary

What's your take? Assets would be considerable on his part

I honestly don’t find it distasteful. Seems sensible, especially if they are going to purchase a home together (so the mortgage can be paid and she can continue to live in that home after his death).

ideally he’d get the insurance though.

That’s something that would be sorted out whilst purchasing the property though? Not after coming in here, having the vast majority say ‘make provision for yourself’

It’s like she’s settled on this because there is still some payout.

OP is young enough to make provision for herself. That is the main take home message here.

I wonder how people would feel if this was a man in his late thirties, never bought a house, living off a woman, no children, no marriage, and together 4 years taking out life insurance on her and trying to pressure her into putting him in his will.

he would be told to paddle his own canoe - and in fairness a lot of posters here have given that advice.

OP if you want this lifestyle can you think about changing career? Make some investments? You are Still young.

I'm not buying this fear and insecurity number. You were, presumably, able to look after yourself independently when you met and you'll be able to do so if he dies.

You've only been together 4 years. You're presumably both reasonably young if he's only 44. You have the security of a family trust and presumably a reasonable income if you work full time. He pays the lion's shared of your joint expenses. So you must be accumulating serious savings. If he did drop dead tomorrow you're not going to be left high and dry, are you? You don't have dependent children, you're employed and you have savings and the fall-back of the family trust.

I agree with everyone else here who thinks you sound quite conniving and entitled if you're manoeuvring to ensure that you can maintain your current lifestyle if your boyfriend dies. He's known you four years. It's really presumptuous to think he should cut his relatives out of his will to ensure you live in luxury.

This. Absolutely this.
Just reverse this with the OP being a man, and the high earner his female partner.

He’d be utterly crucified.

It does sound grabby, but I'd advise upping your sense of independence all round. You wanted to buy your own place but haven't because he didn't want you to. You wanted to rent somewhere cheaper but didn't because he wanted this big place you can't afford without him paying the lion's share. It doesn't sound like you have much say or stand up for yourself so this worrying about securing your lifestyle if he dies seems like very much a side issue that you're sublimating your lack of power into.

Forget about him dying, how about you taking more control of your life now? Buy a place as you had planned. Don't follow his plans to prove you're committed when he conveniently isn't into committing to you by marriage or a will or anything that might disadvantage him. He's not all that committed so you need to look out for yourself while he's still alive and not be sleepwalking away from your own plans for yours and your DC's future security. As others have said, the odds are much more likely that you'll split with DP than this will stuff will ever be the big issue, so focus on the more pressing matters.

Agree with pinkdelight, but your own place, take control of yourself. Maybe he will respect you more for it, maybe he won't, but you will be more secure regardless

I'm afraid it's a truism that marrying means sharing all your worldly goods while living together can mean he is happy to subsidise your lifestyle while you are 'with' him, but not to expect that to last.

Sorry. Much better get your own place and had your independence.

You and your partner have been a couple for 4 years. Your currently renting a house with this man. He wants you to buy a house with him and by doing this he can get a bigger mortgage for a nicer house in an expensive area.
He is not willing to marry you or make any provision for you in his will. You know that some people in his family died at a younger age than normal and he is 44 now. Along with this what ever asset's he has will be left to his mother and sister.

In your case I would buy the house you planned to buy in your own name. He knows you have a deposit for this. I would just tell him you have decided to buy your own house because long term it gives you more security.

I would not be putting your money into a house with him because a) could be worth more in X number of years but your not getting the benefit of equity b) will be left to his family c) it could have to be sold to pay his care costs down the line.

He not really thinking of you as he won't marry you or set things up legally to protect you in the event of his death.
You don't want to be made homeless in the future. You don't want to be paying rent once you get to retirement age either. You need to consider what best for you and your future.

I have seen woman getting involved with men who won't marry them or where he won't do anything legally to protect them after his death. After his death they find out they are in poor position and not entitled to even a widow's pension. They can end up with a tax bill if he leaves them anything also.

You are relatively young.
You have a full-time job with a good wage.
You have assets in a 'family trust'.
You have no dependents.

I also am not seeing a huge degree of vulnerability here.

If your partner is paying for almost everything, can't you save in preparation for any issue such as breaking up (more likely) or sudden death?

I don't think your partner should have to provide for you either in his will or by having a separate savings account for you as suggested upthread (what on earth??)

Perhaps if you stay together longer and marry or have joint assets in some other way he should, but not at present and not to 'maintain your lifestyle'.

I'm scared that I've the potential to lose a partner and a home in one fell swoop

While understandable, that's the risk you take in enjoying a "nice life" with someone who appears not to want any legal ties to you

The insurance policy's a good idea, but overall if you want real commitment, you may need to look elsewhere

The insurance is a great idea but OP the best thing a woman can do is make herself financially independent.

Buy a house in your own name. He clearly isn't bothered and isn't doing anything to suggest that will change so please get your own asset.

Oh no, he got upset at you wanting to spend your money!

Er so? Buy a damn house if you want to. I'd tell him he either starts looking and we buy something together in the next 3-4 months or I'm buying on my own and he can pay rent if he wants to live there.

He is not married to you and does not wish for you to receive money in the event of his death.

He can't make it any clearer.

What happens with this insurance if they split up?
The OP will have paid a load of money in and then what?
The ex-partner then dies x years in the future, they haven't seen each for 25 years, can she then get the life insurance pay out??

You'd probably buy straightforward non-investment life insurance which covers you month by month while you keep paying the premiums. If you split up then you stop paying the premiums, and are no longer insured, just like you don't get a payout if the house you sold last year burns down even though you paid insurance premiums on it for years.

If there is a trust in place regarding your assets then it doesn’t sound like you will be on your uppers as I imagine that will maybe cover your house?

I don’t understand the ‘only been together 4 years’ comments.
all the time women are told not to put themselves in a vulnerable position, don’t have children without being married etc. op is just trying to establish her security. She’s 39, how long does she leave this? 4 years is a long time to waste in someone who won’t commit.

I’ve been with my partner less than 4 years we have our wills in place, why wouldn’t we?

4 years is a long time to waste in someone who won’t commit

I agree completely, but the answer to that is to leave rather than expect the OH to bankroll her future

As a PP said, he couldn't be making it any clearer that he doesn't want OP to share in his assets if he dies (or maybe at all), so the choices lie with her - except if she allows herself to be blinded by that "nice life" I'd say there's a risk she may not make the wisest ones

Just four years together, not married and you're already looking to benefit from him?

He earns way more than you.

Grabbiness much!

Clue is wills. OP wants it to be a one way street.

But why should he put you in his will, when you won't do the same for him? You've only been together 4 years, no issues, not married, I wouldn't do it either.

Your coming across as grabby

I don’t understand the ‘only been together 4 years’ comments.
all the time women are told not to put themselves in a vulnerable position, don’t have children without being married etc. op is just trying to establish her security.

The comments you refer to tend to be where DC are involved. Where women screw themselves over massively by giving up their financial independence, having kids, not being married and not being on a mortgage. This is not that. They don't have DC together. OP has an adult DC from a previous relationship. The DP doesn't have DC and there's no plans for any by the sounds of it, or for them to get married. OP is more than well-placed to establish her own security.

The comments you refer to tend to be where DC are involved. Where women screw themselves over massively by giving up their financial independence, having kids, not being married and not being on a mortgage. This is not that. They don't have DC together. OP has an adult DC from a previous relationship. The DP doesn't have DC and there's no plans for any by the sounds of it, or for them to get married. OP is more than well-placed to establish her own security

Exactly. The OP does not have DC with this man. This means if the relationship ends or if the partner dies, she is in no way worse off than she was before the relationship began eg. she hasn't had to take a pay cut by having to work part-time due to child care issues, hasn't had to use her own savings during maternity leave etc.
If the relationship ends due to death or splitting up, the OP does not have young children who have to be provided for.
She will have to move into a cheaper property if she can't afford the one they are renting at the moment. She has some savings which would cover the rent on the property she lives in now until she finds somewhere else to live.

He is not as committed to this as she is. He obviously doesn't want to marry her. So if this is what she is looking for and wants the financial security of being married and to be provided for in the event of her husband's death then she should find someone else.