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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be considered about this?

91 replies

Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 06:44

Please bare with the long post but don't want to drip feed. I have a DSD who is close to me and DH - not much contact with her mother. Her and her DP had kids very young (18 & 19). We were very supportive. I look on them as my own DGC and her as my own DD. We have a very regular contact, oldest DGC is 7, the other is 2. We travel a lot, she used to come with us whenever we had her (she moved in with us at 14 by choice). I've been asking them for years if we could bring DGC with us on a holiday (we have gone together a couple of times with them all). Feb just gone they finally agreed to let him come for half term skiing and it was great. This summer they said they can't afford a holiday so I suggested taking the eldest DGS with us for a week/ten days abroad at our expense. We have a flat by the sea and a mountain house. They refused, saying that 'he doesn't need it" but we can have him/them when we are back in the UK. Now he's stuck at home for 6 weeks with just his mum and little DB (SIL works 6 days a week). They aren't very social, DGS doesn't have any friends for playdates, doesn't go to any clubs, etc. I am really at a loss as to why he wasn't allowed to come and quite a bit concern about his lack of interaction outside school. How do I approach this difficult conversation without coming across as criticising their parenting - she is otherwise a fantastic mum and I tell her that often.

OP posts:
Outlyingtrout · 13/08/2022 06:50

I wouldn’t want my child in a different country to me for 7-10 days either. Or for any amount of time for that matter. It sounds like she finally gave in because you pestered so much, did not like being apart from her child and does not wish to repeat the experience. You need to accept what you are told and stop pushing for what you want. You don’t need to be having any difficult conversations with anyone. Her not doing things the way you think she should does not mean she’s doing it wrong.

Suzi888 · 13/08/2022 06:50

I think they all want an invite to be honest…

I don’t think you can say anything about their parenting, unless you suspect abuse. Maybe they can’t afford clubs, too tired to engage in play dates if she’s working six days a week? Perhaps they don’t want to treat one child differently to the other?

EmergencyHepNeeded · 13/08/2022 06:52

You should invite them all.

Just10moreminutesplease · 13/08/2022 06:55

I wouldn’t want my 7 year old to be in another country for that length of time. Maybe as a teenager, but many children that young would struggle with the separation. She might also not want her younger dc to miss out.

Do you have room for them all to go?

crosbystillsandmash · 13/08/2022 06:56

In your shoes I'd be working out to offer them all a small holiday.

Lots of parents would struggle with their dc being abroad for that length of time.

crosbystillsandmash · 13/08/2022 06:56

*how to

MoodyTwo · 13/08/2022 07:05

I wouldn't want my DC away from me for so long. Maybe the first time she realised how much she missed them and didn't want to do it again.
I think you should respect her decision or if your worried about them not doing anything, offer them use of you house all together.

Bluub · 13/08/2022 07:08

I don't think the holiday is anything to with the lack of clubs etc. She just isn't comfortable you taking them away for a week without her.

How do I approach this difficult conversation without coming across as criticising their parenting - she is otherwise a fantastic mum and I tell her that often. you don't. You can offer to pay for a club I guess? Other than that you don't.

Bluub · 13/08/2022 07:10

Maybe offer smaller day trips? Or to take them to the cinema or something?

Original poster
Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 07:12

Hi, sorry if I wasn't clear - my SIL works 6 days a week - she is off in the school holidays. They know we'll be over the moon if they all came but they can't afford it and we can't afford to pay for all of them either. My SIL already made a comment that a holiday with kids isn't much of a holiday for him. I thought the younger is too little (that's what they said initially when DGS1 was his age - fair enough). My feeling has always been that if not all of my family can have something really nice, go somewhere, etc - I rather at least one or two can experience it. Our DS has been going on lots of holidays abroad without us? As far as not affording clubs - they have a Scout hall near by, my SIL has a few expensive hobbies, so surely one very cheap club for him to socialize isn't that much to ask? His DPs feel the same as us.

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 13/08/2022 07:16

I'm confused , but haven't had much sleep so I might just be being thick ! It's your step daughter yes ? And you want to take her child abroad ? So what has it got to do with your sister in law ?

debbs77 · 13/08/2022 07:17

You are over stepping here. No way would one of my children go if the others couldn't. You're actually sounding quite mean. Leave them to it. Offer days out when you return

MargaretThursday · 13/08/2022 07:17

My ds hated being away from home at that age. He did do a couple of overnighter, which he enjoyed at the time, but came back saying "don't let me go away without you again"

He's 15yo now and still prefers holiday at home.

applegrumbles · 13/08/2022 07:17

pumpkinpie01 · 13/08/2022 07:16

I'm confused , but haven't had much sleep so I might just be being thick ! It's your step daughter yes ? And you want to take her child abroad ? So what has it got to do with your sister in law ?

I think SIL is being used to mean son in law here possibly

Mindymomo · 13/08/2022 07:18

Maybe it’s because you only want one child and not the other. Maybe she’s waiting for an invite for all of them, or maybe she just doesn’t want him to go to another country without her. Either way, she should explain a bit more why she doesn’t want him to go, then you can move forward to working something else. Perhaps they are struggling financially and this has become time consuming, which I can see this happening with a lot of families.

Chdjdn · 13/08/2022 07:21

I wouldn’t interfere here; it’s not ideal for your grandson but they must have their reasons for not wanting him to come which they have chosen not to share with you and I’m not sure this is a big enough issue to potentially cause a big issue about in your relationship with them

Original poster
Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 07:29

Yes that's SIL is for Son In Law. That's partly why we'd all like to get to the bottom of it. As far as we know, there isn't and never has been a problem from DGS1 side - if anything, he's too keen to stay with us as both uncles also pay him a lot of attention. As far as treating the DGC differently - to each their own. My DS and I have never subscribed to treating kids exactly the same but more according to their interests, ages and temperament. Our little DGS is still too young and clingy to his mum, so it's not a good idea to take him - he's a Covid baby and has just recently started to stay for a sleep over, whereas DGC1 has had days and nights with us since newborn.

OP posts:
belephant · 13/08/2022 07:30

I don't recall any holiday I went on as a child without my parents

If you're concerned about clubs then isn't that a separate issue?

Original poster
Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 07:32

Sorry, DH, not DS

OP posts:
Sux2buthen · 13/08/2022 07:36

You offered, they said no. That's really all there is to it
The rest is really just their business, though I'm sure you mean well

pumpkinpie01 · 13/08/2022 07:37

@applegrumbles ah yes of course !

Original poster
Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 07:37

Sorry, I know personally that I might be a bit pushy... I am on palliative care at the RMH and even though I have been quite well for the last two years, I don't know how long it will last. Just really wanted to give them, or at least him, some great time while I can. They want to save and come all next summer, but there's no guarantee that I'll be able to do it then...

OP posts:
Sweatinglikeabitch · 13/08/2022 07:37

I think 7 is too young to go abroad without parents. Especially if the kid isn't used to going on holiday. A frequent traveller adapts much better than a kid that's only been away a few times.

In terms of the hobbies, some people just don't prioritise/invest in their kids as much as themselves. It's not great but it's also not SS territory. Especially if he's not asking or causing trouble. If he just sits quietly in his room playing video games then they just don't see the point. He's got school and as he gets older he'll socialise more off his own back.

You could offer to pay for a club if you're worried but you can't really force them to do it.

Original poster
Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 07:42

debbs77 · 13/08/2022 07:17

You are over stepping here. No way would one of my children go if the others couldn't. You're actually sounding quite mean. Leave them to it. Offer days out when you return

How is it mean? The little one is only 2, very clingy and not wanting to be without his mum, hates pools, water, beach, etc. He won't have a clue at that age. The older is very independent, and could really benefit. Of course, when we are in the UK we do things with both of them!

OP posts:
PollyRockets · 13/08/2022 07:42

YANBU op

And I disagree with PP around 7 being too young to go abroad without a parent

Especially as he has spent a lot of time with you anyway

Seems they're just shit parents, and it's hard to have to sit and watch that (I'm talking from experience, nothing too bad for SS to be interested but not an ideal childhood either!)

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