AIBU to be considered about this?

[Cinderella1]

Please bare with the long post but don't want to drip feed. I have a DSD who is close to me and DH - not much contact with her mother. Her and her DP had kids very young (18 & 19). We were very supportive. I look on them as my own DGC and her as my own DD. We have a very regular contact, oldest DGC is 7, the other is 2. We travel a lot, she used to come with us whenever we had her (she moved in with us at 14 by choice). I've been asking them for years if we could bring DGC with us on a holiday (we have gone together a couple of times with them all). Feb just gone they finally agreed to let him come for half term skiing and it was great. This summer they said they can't afford a holiday so I suggested taking the eldest DGS with us for a week/ten days abroad at our expense. We have a flat by the sea and a mountain house. They refused, saying that 'he doesn't need it" but we can have him/them when we are back in the UK. Now he's stuck at home for 6 weeks with just his mum and little DB (SIL works 6 days a week). They aren't very social, DGS doesn't have any friends for playdates, doesn't go to any clubs, etc. I am really at a loss as to why he wasn't allowed to come and quite a bit concern about his lack of interaction outside school. How do I approach this difficult conversation without coming across as criticising their parenting - she is otherwise a fantastic mum and I tell her that often.

I don't really know what "family" means to you but to me, it includes GPs, cousins, etc. Of course, immediate family takes priority. But when the father is working 6 days a week and does his hobbies or DIY at the weekend regardless of holidays, the mother is spending most of the time at home and DGS is asking every time you speak when he's coming to visit and can he come on his own, I believe I can assume that a week away with us out of 7 will actually be a good thing for him! I sincerely wish that none of you finds yourselves in a situation where you have your DGS crying to you on facetime and asking why he can't visit (we are away for a couple of months). And you have to greet your teeth and so very gently explain something that you don't really understand yourself...

That is just the type of comment I would expect from you. I expect you twist words a lot to get your own way.

I was quite clearly stating that if she saw what you were posting about shortcomings in her parenting and her neglect of her older child, that she might decide she didn’t need you in her life.

@Aprilx i agree, I would give up if I were you :)

“I wanted to give DGS a nice experience that she can't afford?!” - OP I think this may be the problem. Without asking you won’t have a definitive answer as to why, but she has said no and that is the end of it really.

I won’t let my MIL take my child out in her car or on holiday, she doesn’t keep a close of an eye on her as I would like and she’s a bit dim and self absorbed. Tied her dog to the baby’s pram and her dog pulled the pram over- luckily for her only she was injured. Things like that. I’m not saying you aren’t trust worthy. I just think whatever the issue is, it won’t change anything. Maybe things will change in the future.

If this is a representation of mums, then I fear for the future of our children.

The OP clearly is concerned in how to approach the situation and asked for some advice and instead got a lot of bigoted spiteful comments.

Half of you replying have not even read what she has written and, instead of offering some supportive advice, you confidently pass judgement in unpleasant ways. You don't know all the facts and you don't even bother to ask - maybe you feel you have the right to be judge, jury and executioner, and make the OP feel even more miserable. Congratulations.

Is this what you lot do all day? Sit here, attack and judge other people so you can feel better? Maybe you are so perfect in your life that you don't need advice - god help you if you do on a forum like this. Or perhaps your life is so awful, you take it out on others.

My advice to the OP and anyone else who actually wants so share and seek advice - go somewhere else to get it. You won't get it here - it's a pit of vipers.

And yes. I AM judging you when I am see someone treated this way.

You should be ashamed of yourselves. Grow up yourselves before you judge others.

@Rationale

normally I would agree and have seen many threads such as what you describe which become awful places.

but to be fair, you can’t really go on an open forum asking for advice/opinions - and then argue against/deny/refuse to listen to all the opinions and perspectives offered!

I agree completely if most of these were perspectives and opinions. Those words suggest a set of nuances around care, understanding, consideration etc.

They are not, they are casting judgement on someone for even daring to ask for advice - "you must be horrible for even thinking that".

And I don't see the OP refusing to listen. If she has replied and provided further explanation for her position, isn't that pretty clear that she has listened?

Perhaps she felt that mumsnet was still a place that she could do that. Seems it has descended into the same crappy abusive place like Twitter judging by this thread.

@RaRationale Thank you for being understanding and supportive - it's nice to see that there are some rational and decent people on these forums, even it's just 10%. I was starting to question my own sanity 😅 Majority of the posters reacted as if I said I've gone in all guns blazing, requiring explanations, slagging off my DSD parenting and demanding to be handed my DGS1. When they relay their own experience and thinking, that's ok - when I try to explain in more detail were I'm coming from - I'm stubborn and defensive. I think you are right about the Twitter example. I've been for years on Mumsnet and on and off, had other threads with some of them having people having different opinions but only recently notice just what a nasty and polarising place it has become. Lesson learned- I won't be asking strangers opinions again but will try and be supportive and helpful to others, so they don't feel the way I do right now!

Yeah.....this thread didn't go a bit batshit at all.....

You are a “my way or the highway” type of person. It’s evident not only in the way you are treating your family but also your reaction to people disagreeing with you on this thread (only the 10% who agree with you are “rational and decent”?). You don’t like being told no. Unfortunately for you, you have no power to make decisions for your grandchildren; that’s their parents’ job. You can (and do) talk about what should be happening in your opinion until the cows come home but these are not your children and you do not have a right to dictate or expect that their parents do things the way you want them to. They also do not owe you an explanation as to why they don’t want the 7 year old going on holiday. I suspect very strongly given all you’ve said on this thread that your daughter-in-law and son-in-law (the kids have two parents remember? Despite only their mum being branded a “shit parent” by many PPs) know full well that none of their reasons would be good enough for you and they aren’t inclined to enter into a debate with you or have to defend their parenting decisions. They have said no and that’s the end of it. To keep hounding them and to be talking about them with the other grandparents is extremely disrespectful. I would not tolerate that in their shoes.

if you genuinely want to spend quality time with your family, drop the badgering, accept what you’ve been told and try to make some different plans to do things altogether. Lots of days out are completely free of charge. And stop gossiping about them with their other family members. There is absolutely nothing in what you’ve posted to suggest that they are doing anything wrong as parents. They just aren’t doing what you want.

Tbh if you were my step mother then I wouldn't let you take my ds across the road never mind abroad. You come across as entitled and domineering. She's the child's mother , she has said no and that's it. You don't need an explanation , her reasons are not your business.

You do come across as very, very pushy. If there was someone in my life pestering and pestering to take my children away because "you can't afford it" I would find that really upsetting and undermining. I know you won't be outright saying that, but you have clearly said it on here, and it's probably obvious to her. I'm not surprised she has said no. If you genuinely want to support her, listen to what's she's said to you, and do the days out she suggests. Take them out and tell her what a great mum she is. When her ds asks when he's seeing you, tell him how excited you are to see him on the great days out together you have planned. Don't hint to him in any way that his mum is stopping things happening and you don't know why, because that will be upsetting for him in lots of ways, and possibly begin a resentment towards his mum that could have a lasting impact on him.

She's his mum, and just because she can't afford amazing holidays with her family doesn't mean she's obliged to accept them from someone else, especially if they're offering to only take one DS away leaving the rest of them at home. That's not fair on her or the rest of her family, and it's highlighting for her DS that only his GPs can afford exciting things for him. It's a really unhealthy family dynamic. She's asked you to focus on days out. Respect how she's feeling and accept what she's telling you.

I’m not sure I’d have my children separated at that age, either offer both of the children or neither.

They’re not your children, the don’t have to give you a reason!
TBH you sound way too much and it would piss off most people. There are ways of being supportive and helpful without being overbearing and entitled and you haven’t managed it at all. Why do you feel so entitled to a detailed explanation into why you can’t take your grandson abroad for 10 days?! The fact you seem to have discussed this with your son in laws parents has probably gotten their backs up too. I would back away before you end up being pushed out.

You don’t understand that you’re away for a few months so can’t see him? Why is it? It seems very simple :/
You actually sound very manipulative now.

Another zombie thread from Equalitea.