AIBU to be considered about this?

[Cinderella1]

Please bare with the long post but don't want to drip feed. I have a DSD who is close to me and DH - not much contact with her mother. Her and her DP had kids very young (18 & 19). We were very supportive. I look on them as my own DGC and her as my own DD. We have a very regular contact, oldest DGC is 7, the other is 2. We travel a lot, she used to come with us whenever we had her (she moved in with us at 14 by choice). I've been asking them for years if we could bring DGC with us on a holiday (we have gone together a couple of times with them all). Feb just gone they finally agreed to let him come for half term skiing and it was great. This summer they said they can't afford a holiday so I suggested taking the eldest DGS with us for a week/ten days abroad at our expense. We have a flat by the sea and a mountain house. They refused, saying that 'he doesn't need it" but we can have him/them when we are back in the UK. Now he's stuck at home for 6 weeks with just his mum and little DB (SIL works 6 days a week). They aren't very social, DGS doesn't have any friends for playdates, doesn't go to any clubs, etc. I am really at a loss as to why he wasn't allowed to come and quite a bit concern about his lack of interaction outside school. How do I approach this difficult conversation without coming across as criticising their parenting - she is otherwise a fantastic mum and I tell her that often.

YABU

you asked and she said no - end of. You said you’ve been asking for years and she finally said yes in feb - sounds like she doesn’t want this to be a habit that he goes away 2-3 times a year with you, which is fair enough. Once a year is enough.

maybe she wants to be the one to provide his special memories and she’s worried that when he’s older he’ll remember all these “amazing” trips with grandparents that she wasn’t even a part of? Maybe that’s why she wants to save for everyone to go next year.

if you want to do something nice for the family, do something for the whole family not just one of them.

Explain you don't know how much longer you have left and is there anything she wanted her grandkids to do with you while you're still able. Eat somewhere fancy. Go clothes shopping etc.

Another one who thinks 7 is quite young to be going abroad without a parent and different from a week in the same country.

It really isn’t an issue, you asked, they said no. YABU to push it further.

I think you are being unreasonable, you seem to think that because you have taken the oldest DGC away before, then this has set a precedent for future holidays. It hasn't. Your DSD has been clear, she said no, she doesn't even need to explain why, and she would probably regret giving you a reason if she knew that it meant you would be listing all the reasons she is wrong (not socialised enough, no friends, no clubs). If she doesn't think her DC needs it, then that's enough. You are going round the houses trying to find some some of argument that can make you DSD take your DGC on holiday. This is the sort of attitude that can lead to resentment (Yours and hers). You are not entitled to access to your DGC, access comes via your DSD.

I do seem to see things differently from quite a few people here. When the kids were young (DSS, DSD and DS) they all had weekly visits with their GPs. Sometimes two of them, sometimes just one - depending on different wants and availability. They all had fab times and still miss their late GM greatly. DSD herself had said that that's some of her best childhood memories. She would've loved dearly to take them abroad but couldn't afford it. She's been with us a few times. My DM has also had DS stay with her. To me, this is a very special relationship and I feel sorry for any mother (which I presume you are) that would want to be the only one to create special memories or refuse her kids "amazing" trips because she couldn't be part of it! There's plenty of space in kids' life for time and memories with everyone who wishes it. I'll keep repeating: I dearly wish I could have all of them join but it's not financially possible!

God this thread is horrible.

who on Earth do you think you are? She’s the parent. She has said no. That’s the end of it.

Your comment is actually horrible. What kind of relationship do you have with your family that you just apparently snap "no" to a question without explanation as to why? We have raised our kids to know the reasons something was being refused, not because "I said so!". I'd hope to get the same back, regardless of how old they are.

When we were little we were lucky enough to have 2 weeks in our caravan at the seaside with my DGP
fantastic times
My dh had similar
Gave parents a break.
As a mother myself
I always missed the kids when they went away on holidays eg DS had a week in Filey with school.
Later adventure club
DD had a week with school somewhere.
DS and 2 step brothers went with DH for a week at DGD's home and did assorts of adventuring activities
Missed them all terribly but I wanted them to have a good time.
I agree with you OP but unfortunately your dsd has said no.
My ex wanted to take DD aboard for a week. She was 2. It was the only time I said no - I regret it now. She would have had a lovely time (I said yes after that) so give it time and things may change.

The sort of relationship where they don’t hector me into doing something I don’t want to do.

They also don’t criticise my parenting behind my back. Which is what you’re doing in a very passive aggressive manner with your faux concern about how they are choosing to spend their summer.

ok it’s not what you would do. Its not wrong. It’s not abusive.

It's very odd you have been discussing their kids behaviour with your sil parents too, so nasty.

You need to back off. Your stepdaughter doesn’t want her son to go away with you for a week. She is his mother and the decision is hers.

People have given you multiple legitimate reasons why she might not want her child to go away with you, but you just dismiss them and argue. I suspect your stepdaughter knows that you would do the same to her if she tried to explain.

Your comments about her son not being socialised or going to clubs and play dates are irrelevant. Maybe he’s happy chilling out at home. He isn’t going to have play dates and see other kids on holiday with you either; he’d be hanging out with grandparents.

When your stepdaughter had her son she was 18. Of course she needed help and of course she needed support with her child; she was barely more than a child herself and probably didn’t find it easy to say no to you. But now she is 25 and has another child and is a lot more mature and she probably wants to regain a bit of autonomy over her own child’s life. It is understandable that things are changing. Step back.

Maybe the little one didn’t enjoy being away in February and has said he doesn’t want to be away from mum again?
Not all children have to attend clubs, maybe he prefers his own company.

Now you are just plain nasty - good for you! I've upgraded from passive aggressive, to fake (my concern), to downright abusive - wow. Judgemental much, abusive much yourself!?! If you bothered to read the FFT you might've gleamed that it's actually all of us GPs that feel this way. And yes, if I feel that my kids are doing something that could have a negative impact, I will bring it to their attention. Sadly, I have a first-hand experience of keeping quiet when I felt that things weren't right and that had a massive impact on my DSD. So yes, if I do feel strongly about something I will speak about it. My question was how to do it diplomatically, but clearly you are the wrong person to ask 😁

We have raised our kids to know the reasons something was being refused, not because "I said so!". I'd hope to get the same back, regardless of how old they are.

The fact that you are talking about your adult stepdaughter in these terms is so revealing. She is a grown woman, not a child. She doesn’t have to do things the way you ‘raised her’ to do them. She doesn’t have to justify to you the choices she makes FOR HER OWN CHILD.

’Because I said so’ in this case is a perfectly good reason because she is the child’s mother and she, not you, knows what he needs and what works for her family. She’s not a teenager any more.

I never said you were abusive 🤨

Some children like to be home doing their own thing. Some children like doing things.
One of my dc liked to do 1-2 things she chose over the summer, but not more. Another would have done a different club every week (plus sleepovers and evening things) when she could. The last wanted normally to stay at home and do their own thing all holiday.

There's nothing wrong with the latter.

Maybe a bit of an over-reaction?

She is mum. She's said no. That should be enough. She doesn't need to explain her reasoning or thought process.

In my opinion, 7 is awfully young to go away for a over a week without parents. I'd spend that week worried sick and feeling anxious so I'd not allow it either. Like PPs said, maybe she felt like this when you took him away last time, and really missed him, and so doesn't want to repeat the experience?

I also don't think you can say anything about her parenting without causing massive offence and it really blowing up. If my mother or MIL said to me "I don't think you take your DC out enough and you're using him to entertain his sibling" I'd be furious, so say something if you want but be prepared for a fall out to follow.

They are not your children. It is not up to you or anyone else whether they go on holiday with you or what clubs they go to. I would be very upset if my parents were being this interfering and we are extremely close!

@LLoveMeForARaisin Sorry, I took your comment for a sarcastic one. I don't think her behaviour is abusive in any shape or form! I keep saying she's a good mum. I just feel that especially since Covid and DGS2 they've become quite the hermits and it isn't that healthy. DGS1 is a very sociable child and loves being with others. And it does feel a little bit selfish to me the view that seems to be if "we can't do anything fun all of us, we aren't doing it at all". My take as a parent is that if family offers my kid something that I can't provide but it is good for him, I rather the kid didn't miss out. Is that really so wrong?

That is exactly my point. They are different individually and at different stage too. That is why we feel concern about DGS1 - he is missing out on a lot because DGS2 needs come first, it seems.

you are right, you do see things differently from everyone here but for some reason you don’t seem to accept it.

you presume correctly, however I assure you I don’t need your pitY, and neither do my children.

I didn’t say mothers had to be the ONLY one to provide special memories. My children have plenty of special memories with a variety of family members.

but I do know what it’s like to have a mother and mother in law who (unintentionally I hope) try to one-up every thing I do. They want to be the ones to buy the biggest presents, spoil them the most, have christmases at their house etc.

she isn’t begrudging her children anything, you already said he’s been once with you, I’m not sure why that can’t just be enough for you? And she hasn’t point blank out her foot down and said no, she’s offered an alternative for when you back and also an option for you all to go next year.

it seems like you just want your own way.

she said no - leave it at that’s.

@NN27 I don't know where from you can infer any upmanship? Any presents are agreed beforehand with their parents, budget isn't anything excessive. They tell us what the DGSs need and want and we get it with their approval. Every time we have them by themselves we are at pains to make sure that the parents' rules are followed: food, bedtime, TV and games allowances and so on. I always ask if not sure whether they are ok with something: movie, visiting friends, etc. There never has been any problems between us, the other GPs and them (as far as I know). We are always at hand to help out whenever needed. I have been looking after DGS2 on one-to-one basis occasionally but his needs are quite different at the moment from DGS1.

If your stepdaughter, who as far as I can tell has done absolutely nothing wrong, read what you have written about her on here regarding her parenting, she would probably go no contact with you

You are over bearing and over stepping, nobody is being harmed, she can parent her own way.

@Aprilx What a vile comment. So, she should go NC because I wanted to give DGS a nice experience that she can't afford?! Because all other close family feel that she has started to prioritize DGS2 over DGS1? I have made some mistakes with my DS when he was younger, and I am glad my mum pulled me up on it because sometimes you can't see things that are obvious to those around you. I've also seen plenty of threads on here where posters complain about how much they've had to miss out due to their parents being too young/poor/oblivious, etc. Or being forced to do/share/experience everything with their much younger/older sibling, regardless of age, interests and so on. But I guess he can come in here one day and get all the sympathy for missing out on a lot as a kid, because parents won't let him do anything unless it was for all of them together...