Page 2 | AIBU to be considered about this?

Cinderella1 · 2022-08-13T05:44:33+00:00

Please bare with the long post but don't want to drip feed. I have a DSD who is close to me and DH - not much contact with her mother. Her and her DP had kids very young (18 & 19). We were very supportive. I look on them as my own DGC and her as my own DD. We have a very regular contact, oldest DGC is 7, the other is 2. We travel a lot, she used to come with us whenever we had her (she moved in with us at 14 by choice). I've been asking them for years if we could bring DGC with us on a holiday (we have gone together a couple of times with them all). Feb just gone they finally agreed to let him come for half term skiing and it was great. This summer they said they can't afford a holiday so I suggested taking the eldest DGS with us for a week/ten days abroad at our expense. We have a flat by the sea and a mountain house. They refused, saying that 'he doesn't need it" but we can have him/them when we are back in the UK. Now he's stuck at home for 6 weeks with just his mum and little DB (SIL works 6 days a week). They aren't very social, DGS doesn't have any friends for playdates, doesn't go to any clubs, etc. I am really at a loss as to why he wasn't allowed to come and quite a bit concern about his lack of interaction outside school. How do I approach this difficult conversation without coming across as criticising their parenting - she is otherwise a fantastic mum and I tell her that often.

wibblewobblewooo · 13/08/2022 07:45

Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 07:37

Sorry, I know personally that I might be a bit pushy... I am on palliative care at the RMH and even though I have been quite well for the last two years, I don't know how long it will last. Just really wanted to give them, or at least him, some great time while I can. They want to save and come all next summer, but there's no guarantee that I'll be able to do it then...

This does make sense as to why you are so so keen. I would suggest a special day trip or something. Maybe explain to her your fears about creating special memories now.

Cas112 · 13/08/2022 07:45

Maybe your overstepping/being a bit to much for them without realising

girlmom21 · 13/08/2022 07:48

7 is young to be away for such a long time.

Can't you have him for some sleepovers when you're home and do some day trips?

PinkButtercups · 13/08/2022 07:48

Because you either need to invite both kids or none or all of them.

Also, no one has a right to take kids away from their parents just because they're a grandparents and feel entitled. It boils my blood.

She said no, respect that and move on.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 13/08/2022 07:49

I think you’re overstepping and admitted yourself could be seen as pushy.
they maybe agreed to let him go skiing against really wanting to to keep you quiet..

Aprilx · 13/08/2022 07:52

They do not want to send their child on holiday overseas with someone else, they don’t need to explain it to you, although most people would surely understand that anyway, don’t know why you feel you need to “get to the bottom of it”.

MakeItRain · 13/08/2022 07:55

I wouldn't have wanted my dc to go abroad without me for 10 days aged 7. You've asked and she's said no. You say she's a fantastic mum so I wouldn't be too concerned. Take him out for the day a few times when you get back, but don't get too het up about the holiday. Lots of parents would have said no in this situation. It's fine for her to want him at home, and pottering around locally or at home isn't the end of the world. Lots of us do it!

JudgeRindersMinder · 13/08/2022 07:56

She probably doesn’t want the children treated differently. That you and your dh don’t see treating them differently as an issue is fine, but they are her children and if that’s not how she wants them treated that’s her right. There’s nothing to get to the bottom of.
Children do notice when they have different treatment, and it can cause issues between them in later life. Ask me and my cousins how we know!

StopFeckingFaffing · 13/08/2022 07:58

I struggle to believe that you and your DH own 2 holiday properties and can afford skiing holidays but when it comes to your DSD and family you can afford to pay for 1 flight but not 4 to have them join you for a summer holiday

You are obviously not obliged to subsidise their lifestyle at all but I am getting the feeling that because you helped out a lot when DGS1 was little (and DSD was a teen mum and therefore probably very grateful for the help), you feel a certain amount of ownership over DGS1 that you perhaps don't feel with DGS2

If you are genuinely concerned that your DGS1 is having a boring summer holiday then perhaps look at ways to support the whole family rather than focusing all your efforts on wanting to take DGS1 away without the rest of them

Hedonism · 13/08/2022 07:59

I wouldn't want my 7yo to be abroad without me, or my 10yo come to that. Why does it have to be abroad or nothing though? If you can't afford to pay for the whole family to go abroad, perhaps could you look at funding a UK trip for everyone together.

At the end of the day though, you have invited and they have declined.

Ponoka7 · 13/08/2022 08:03

I agree with starting with sleepovers and breaks in the UK. My eldest DD has been taking my middle DD's children 7 and 4 (now 5) away to Wales and Yorkshire since last year, for two/three days. That's been enough time away for the children and they like the reassurance that their Mum could get to them if needed. Next year they are planning on taking my GD abroad, who will be 8, but only for a week. You need to start off small.

Original poster

Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 08:09

StopFeckingFaffing · 13/08/2022 07:58

I struggle to believe that you and your DH own 2 holiday properties and can afford skiing holidays but when it comes to your DSD and family you can afford to pay for 1 flight but not 4 to have them join you for a summer holiday

You are obviously not obliged to subsidise their lifestyle at all but I am getting the feeling that because you helped out a lot when DGS1 was little (and DSD was a teen mum and therefore probably very grateful for the help), you feel a certain amount of ownership over DGS1 that you perhaps don't feel with DGS2

If you are genuinely concerned that your DGS1 is having a boring summer holiday then perhaps look at ways to support the whole family rather than focusing all your efforts on wanting to take DGS1 away without the rest of them

I am from that country and those properties are inherited. My DM still lives there. We have a comfortable life style but it doesn't stretch to paying for 4 people during peak season school holidays - wish it did! Surely you can do the maths. For the cost of his flight over we would get a day's out, if that, in the UK for all 4. And The have already said that we do go on day's out in the UK anyway - it just doesn't feel that special or like a "proper beach holiday".

OP posts:

PollyRockets · 13/08/2022 08:12

Ponoka7 · 13/08/2022 08:03

I agree with starting with sleepovers and breaks in the UK. My eldest DD has been taking my middle DD's children 7 and 4 (now 5) away to Wales and Yorkshire since last year, for two/three days. That's been enough time away for the children and they like the reassurance that their Mum could get to them if needed. Next year they are planning on taking my GD abroad, who will be 8, but only for a week. You need to start off small.

Did you not even read the first post?

She has taken him away on holiday before

She has already started small

multiplemum3 · 13/08/2022 08:13

I wouldn't let my son go abroad without me for that long, you're being too pushy just leave it alone. There's nothing to "get to the bottom of."

Original poster

Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 08:19

@Ponoka7 I agree but we already had him for a week during Feb half-term. She actually said that it will be helpful since she'll use the time to get the little one potty trained. That's why we can't really understand why a week in the summer is now no-go? Unless there is something we weren't aware of but I'd hope we are close enough for them to be honest and tell us? Both us and his parents have the feeling that the older one is being used a bit too much to entertain the younger one and give them a break, who never wants to go out the house or do anything - even to the park (just his temper at the moment, hopefully will change). Even on day's out he just wants to stay in his pram and doesn't engage much with any activity.

OP posts:

PollyRockets · 13/08/2022 08:22

Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 08:19

@Ponoka7 I agree but we already had him for a week during Feb half-term. She actually said that it will be helpful since she'll use the time to get the little one potty trained. That's why we can't really understand why a week in the summer is now no-go? Unless there is something we weren't aware of but I'd hope we are close enough for them to be honest and tell us? Both us and his parents have the feeling that the older one is being used a bit too much to entertain the younger one and give them a break, who never wants to go out the house or do anything - even to the park (just his temper at the moment, hopefully will change). Even on day's out he just wants to stay in his pram and doesn't engage much with any activity.

Here is the issue then

She is fine with him going away when it suits her

Not the other way around - selfish behaviour

My DSS is like this, would leave her children with a crack addict if it meant she could do something she wanted to do, but if it doesn't suit her won't let them out of her sight.

Original poster

Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 08:28

@PollyRockets Thanks for your support but she really is a good mum. She doesn't really go out herself and has a tiny circle of friends - perhaps that's why doesn't see the need to socialize DGC? They've never been left with anyone but us and his parents. The kids birthdays are always just us and them, never any other kids around. DGS1 recently told DS (his uncle) tha he was his best friend. Isn't that a bit unhealthy?

OP posts:

Rowen32 · 13/08/2022 08:28

Maybe she'd prefer his first trip abroad to include her so she doesn't miss out on the experience, hence the saving for next summer?
I think that's fair enough and it's how I'd feel, it can be a bit insulting to say 'oh we'll do that for him' when you know they can't afford to.
And yes, some might argue they 'should put him first' but holidays are meant to be about creating family memories and she might like to be a part of it.

Original poster

Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 08:31

@RRowen32 They have been on hols abroad a few times - with other GPs, with us - skiing, beach, before Covid and DGS2 was born.

OP posts:

Michellebops · 13/08/2022 08:32

Maybe she missed her son too much during the February break to let him go again so soon.

At the end of the day they have given their answer, you have to accept it.

If this posts was written from your step daughters pov there would be lots of support for her telling you to back off.

I'm sorry your health is a factor but you have to respect their decision otherwise pushing and pushing for them to change their mind is going to cause a rift.

PollyRockets · 13/08/2022 08:33

Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 08:28

@PollyRockets Thanks for your support but she really is a good mum. She doesn't really go out herself and has a tiny circle of friends - perhaps that's why doesn't see the need to socialize DGC? They've never been left with anyone but us and his parents. The kids birthdays are always just us and them, never any other kids around. DGS1 recently told DS (his uncle) tha he was his best friend. Isn't that a bit unhealthy?

So she isn't a good mum then

She doesn't socialise them, the youngest doesn't engage much when out, she lets you take them away when it suits her but not outside of that.

PollyRockets · 13/08/2022 08:34

Rowen32 · 13/08/2022 08:28

Maybe she'd prefer his first trip abroad to include her so she doesn't miss out on the experience, hence the saving for next summer?
I think that's fair enough and it's how I'd feel, it can be a bit insulting to say 'oh we'll do that for him' when you know they can't afford to.
And yes, some might argue they 'should put him first' but holidays are meant to be about creating family memories and she might like to be a part of it.

Why do people not even read the first post before replying

Baffling

LoveMeForARaisin · 13/08/2022 08:34

I can’t help but feel that calling someone a shite parent etc because their child cant do clubs and might have a bit of a boring summer is a bit much.

plenty of kids out there with plenty more than that to worry about.

notreallynoo · 13/08/2022 08:39

Agree maybe she doesn't want children going away without her. I'd offer them the cost you would have spent on dgc coming with u so maybe they can do something as a family.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 13/08/2022 08:41

I think you are in danger of coming across as interfering and pushy. Keep inviting them to you for days and plan fun activities, and keep inviting for holidays in the future, but accept they won't be coming this time. Be careful about pushing your opinions on what they should and shouldn't be doing.