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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband to get a better job?

93 replies

Ambrrrr · 12/08/2022 21:39

Reading aloud the subject line makes me think if I read it, I would think yes! But I’m struggling with my partners lack of motivation to improve his current occupation. The work requires a six day week every fortnight and nine hours each day. We have welcomed a baby which leaves me taking on all the parental duties an additional day every 2 weeks. I worry he’s missing out on lots and the pay is not enough for me to also not need to consider new opportunities which are offering me above a 10% increase in salary. With childcare costs in addition to this shocking rise in the cost of living, I am thinking this may be our best option.
But these would come at me losing a day a week I’ve negotiated as off with my current employer to look after our baby.
Although he says he’d like a Mon-Fri, I’ve seen no effort and motivation to improve the work hours/salary and look for something which will beyond answering calls from the odd recruiter. It’s frustrating, as there isn’t any progression at the place he’s working either.
AIBU to expect him to look for something that can improve his work life balance, as well as our financial situation so I don’t have to take this on as well as being mum most of the day/week?

OP posts:
Wob · 12/08/2022 21:45

YABU to have a baby with someone and then demand they change their job. If you had a problem with his employment situation and how it impacts childcare then you shouldn’t have had a child on that basis.

54 hours per week really isn’t that many for a lot of people or in a lot of industries either.

It’s always frustrating when people won’t do what you want them to do but it appears that you’re the one wanting to change the current arrangement. Applying for jobs takes a lot of time and energy and effort. It’s tedious and dull. He’d probably rather spend his limited spare time with you and his child.

rahjama · 12/08/2022 21:47

This was incredibly confusing to understand.

Why didn't he get a different/better job while you were pregnant?

With all the stress of a new baby, you don't need added stress and pressure of a new job. Maybe that's putting him off.

Six day week every fortnight - does that mean that he gets a week off? So in 14 days, he works 6?

Lilacsparkles · 12/08/2022 21:48

Need more info I think. So he works the equivalent of 3 days a week? What does he do on his non working week days? Presumably once a fortnight he looks after the baby? How many days a week do you work? I think it’s probably a bit unfair for him to have child-free days to himself if you are in a difficult financial situation and you are not going getting much of a break yourself. It sounds like he’s not bothering to look for anything as he knows you’ll just take the extra days on if you have to tbh….

BattenburgDonkey · 12/08/2022 21:48

I think the OP means one week he works 5 days, and the next he works 6 days

Wob · 12/08/2022 21:50

BattenburgDonkey · 12/08/2022 21:48

I think the OP means one week he works 5 days, and the next he works 6 days

This was my interpretation too

rahjama · 12/08/2022 21:50

BattenburgDonkey · 12/08/2022 21:48

I think the OP means one week he works 5 days, and the next he works 6 days

Yes that makes much more sense, and now I feel silly😂

Discovereads · 12/08/2022 21:51

Yes YABU to demand this. Your DH works more than FT and you’re salty because you have to stop working PT due to the cost of living crisis? Being a PT SAHM is a privilege, not a right. Do your share, work FT and then you’d have a leg to stand on. Then he might also feel a bit more secure in looking for a different job. But honestly it’s doubtful he could trade in a 54hr/week job for a 40hr/week job without also taking a pay cut too.

BattenburgDonkey · 12/08/2022 21:52

Oh and I think YABU OP, you want him to change jobs so that you can stay part time and not have to earn more money yourself. Unless this job of his is new since the baby came YABU.

Sunnyqueen · 12/08/2022 21:53

I'm too thick/tired to try and work out what the hell your situation is from that post but 6 days a week is not unreasonable for the non default parent to work.

CounterTop · 12/08/2022 22:03

What was the agreement before you decided to have a baby? Had he agreed to get a different job?

Macaroni1924 · 12/08/2022 22:03

YABU Firstly these are discussions you have before having a child and if the baby was a surprise then I’d have had the conversation then. You knew of his hours/salary before starting a family so why is it a problem now.
Secondly you don’t have to change your job, that’s your decision to make. Again you knew your salary and if it was enough and these rises haven’t came out the blue everyone knew it was coming.
So many problems would be sorted out if people just spoke openly and honestly with their partners.

luxxlisbon · 12/08/2022 22:07

So he should change jobs because you don’t want to have to go full time, but you need the extra income?

Unreasonable.

I don’t understand why so many women seem to put their own relationship with the kids miles ahead of that of their partners and then are shocked when they end up the default carer.

Avacadoandtoast · 12/08/2022 22:07

YABU - why don’t you get a better job / look for a new opportunity?? If he can’t / won’t - the. you go and make money for the family and your DH could pick up the role as SAHD if you’d rather not pay for childcare.

Original poster
Ambrrrr · 12/08/2022 23:11

I don’t work PT, never have. I’m on mat leave from a FT job. I have negotiated returning 4 days with increased hours on those to take the fifth off

OP posts:
Original poster
Ambrrrr · 12/08/2022 23:18

Think it’s made clear that I have made the effort on top of having a full time job as a mum (which I’m learning is very often not recognised as being work) to get a higher paid job. And I have been offered this, however it will mean sacrificing 1 day where I’d get to look after my child if I stay where I am employed.
it is hard and tedious to look but my point is that I have done it whilst having a lot of other things to prioritise and in my partners current job he hasn’t the right to flexible working like you do when you return from maternity/paternity leave so no he wouldn’t be able to go PT in his current role to cover childcare

OP posts:
Original poster
Ambrrrr · 12/08/2022 23:22

IT shouldn’t be tedious and dull to utilise time you do have investing in improving your occupation to achieve a better work life balance and prospects for your family. I think having a family should motivate you to want the best for yourself as well as them. Why would you want to spend the rest of your days cash and time poor? Surely that’s tedious and dull?

OP posts:
MaximumLeeway · 12/08/2022 23:23

Lots of employers are happy to negotiate flexible working patterns these days. You're not stuck with your current employer and you're not stuck with compressed hours either if you decide that doesn't work for you. Especially if you have an in demand skill set.

2pinkginsplease · 12/08/2022 23:25

As long as my dh was out earning money I wouldn’t demand or expect him to change his job, his job, his life, his choice.

I would be shocked if dh demanded I change jobs to suit him.

Original poster
Ambrrrr · 12/08/2022 23:36

@Macaroni1924 It takes 9 months for baby to arrive who is now several months old so no, no we did not know that energy would be tripled in price, along with everything else going up and taxes increasing more. And for your information, our baby is the best thing that has ever happened and I am incredibly grateful to be a mum. I just feel annoyed that I’m having to consider missing out on the opportunity to spend three instead of two days at home as my partner hasn’t put any effort in to securing something better in this time

OP posts:
Discovereads · 12/08/2022 23:43

I just feel annoyed that I’m having to consider missing out on the opportunity to spend three instead of two days at home as my partner hasn’t put any effort in to securing something better in this time

Youre blaming your DH for something out of his control. It’s not his fault energy prices are tripling or that cost of living is going up. Yes, it’s annoying that you need to go back to working 5 days a week for more money, but your anger is misdirected and will drive a wedge between you.

He has to live with only 6 days a month not working/with his child, so how can you think it’s fair for you to demand you have 12 days a month not working/with your child? And then blame him because you can’t have this due to the current economic crisis?

fedupathome · 12/08/2022 23:47

I'm sorry but you're coming across as really entitled.

It's not like your DH isn't working he is so is pulling his weight.

Why don't you get a higher paid job that allows you to go part time.

I don't think you understand the pressure of being the breadwinner. You're the one that thinks you're missing out so you should do something about it rather than expecting your Dh

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 12/08/2022 23:51

Seriously he works 11 out of 14 days a fortnite does he even have the skills and training to change jobs, and you are complaining about going back to 10 days instead of 8 if you want a promotion so but you are being unreasonable

sst1234 · 12/08/2022 23:52

How much do you earn, OP? How much does he earn?

ams1210 · 13/08/2022 00:10

At least he has a job!! Who knows how unemployment will pan out over the next year get a grip🙄

MintJulia · 13/08/2022 00:24

YABU Maybe he enjoys his job, is passionate about it, likes his colleagues, sees a good future in his current company.

Money is not the only consideration. You seem to be taking a very short term view. And some people aren't super-ambitious. You are blaming him for not being you.

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