To expect husband to get a better job?

[Ambrrrr]

Reading aloud the subject line makes me think if I read it, I would think yes! But I’m struggling with my partners lack of motivation to improve his current occupation. The work requires a six day week every fortnight and nine hours each day. We have welcomed a baby which leaves me taking on all the parental duties an additional day every 2 weeks. I worry he’s missing out on lots and the pay is not enough for me to also not need to consider new opportunities which are offering me above a 10% increase in salary. With childcare costs in addition to this shocking rise in the cost of living, I am thinking this may be our best option.
But these would come at me losing a day a week I’ve negotiated as off with my current employer to look after our baby.
Although he says he’d like a Mon-Fri, I’ve seen no effort and motivation to improve the work hours/salary and look for something which will beyond answering calls from the odd recruiter. It’s frustrating, as there isn’t any progression at the place he’s working either.
AIBU to expect him to look for something that can improve his work life balance, as well as our financial situation so I don’t have to take this on as well as being mum most of the day/week?

At no point did I say you weren’t grateful for being a mum. What I did say is you are being unreasonable. Even without rising costs of energy and living, the rising cost of a child surely brought about discussions on income? The warning about energy prices rising came last year first I was aware of it was around about the end of August and I don’t keep up to date with news, so given that your baby is roughly 3/4 months old you had minimum of 6 months of pregnancy to know about this happening.

Thanks for the biology lesson there is zero need to be snippy just because I said something you didn’t want to hear, I didn’t attack you or criticise your gratefulness to be a parent.

Everyone has the right to request flexible working, for any reason or no reason, after six months service.

But you presumably knew he wasn't Mr dynamic when you got pregnant?

Does he have other good qualities? Would there be any sense in him looking after the baby and you focusing on your career?

a friend of mine earns more than her partner, returned to work and he was sahp - have you thought about that option?

Does husband have the skills/experience/qualifications to get this ‘better’ job? Is he confident enough to sell himself if he’s short on any of these attributes? Is he fearful that he might move to a new job and find that he hates it (and do you care). Is his current job secure? Any new job would have a probation period and/or the risk of first in/first out of there were redundancies.

There are just a few things off the top of my head. I’m sure that in an ideal world he would like to work shorter hours for mor pay (wouldn’t we all) but I think you need to look at the nuances of the situation more closely and have an honest conversation with him where you are open to hear his concerns.

What sort of job does he have? What sort of wage earner?
Does he earn less or more than you?

It is unreasonable to expect him to get a higher paying job with fewer hours, but if they’re being given out somewhere, I’ll have one

To he honest, I think you should be grateful he actually has a job.

You knew what you signed up for.

The arrival of a baby reduces the man’s function to his wallet. A story as old as time.

Maybe he just doesn't want to change jobs ? I would be pissed if my dh told me what job was ok for me to do or not do

I am the f breadwinner!!!! This is getting really frustrating. Maybe bother to read the post instead of just the title before labelling me as entitled
.

The use of the word better when discussing DH job has clearly been discussed not just as the amount they’re paying him but the fact he’s missing out on one weekend day to share with family. So no money is not the only thing I value with him. It’s also the time we’re not getting. Again, do people bother to read OP before jumping on the bandwagon here!

But presumably you knew he worked these hours and earned this income before choosing marry and have a baby with him.

Why demand he changes now?

Don’t bother, these threads often go this way. A strange and automatic assumption that the man earns and you’re a SAHM. Which even if it were the case, it’s not unreasonable to want a partner who doesn’t work six days a week. But once a thread has taken on a life – and a lie – of it’s own, it just trundles off down the route of madness. Congratulations, you’re now U, unemployed and ungrateful!

Because he has reason to?! Most people have a different job now than they did many years before they got married or had children. I haven’t demanded anything 😂 I’m a wife asking her husband if he can find a mon-fri job in a discussion and asking others what they think about the frustration it’s bringing me that he hasn’t prioritised stuff to do this in the many months he’s had since we knew we’d have a baby

People have. You seem to be getting annoyed that people aren’t agreeing with you, but it seems that you aren’t willing to explain why you did not deal with this issue before trying to conceive. Is that correct?

Thank you, I haven’t managed to find much support on here for any of the emotions I’ve been feeling about the situation so this means a lot

Plenty of people don’t deal with situations before they conceive because it’s hard to imagine a baby until you have one. We’ve all been the naive TTC person thinking “I can do this in my 400sq ft minimalist flat” or “but why would I need childcare to wfh, babies just sleep?” or “so DH commutes 5x a week, he can come home and see the baby at bedtime”. And then you have a baby and the screaming sleepless reality kicks in.

My husband had a Mon-Fri before we had our baby. When he left this job I understood why he did what he did. And I think it was great he go another so quickly. I supported him entirely, but now baby is here, things change. I don’t know how many are parents on here but that’s simply the truth. Time matters a lot more.

You think he has reason to. Maybe he doesn't agree. Maybe he enjoys his job and likes his colleagues and doesn't want to risk moving somewhere he'll be miserable. Who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️

You say you supported him in changing jobs and hours, and understood why he did so - so clearly there was a good reason for him leaving his old job?

Being happy in your work is so important - I'd rather my husband worked longer works and was happy than did a Monday-Friday job he hated.

I don't understand why some people think its terrible to expect men to change their lifestyles including their jobs after having children.

Plenty of women change either their hours or their jobs after having children. Why shouldn't there be the same expectation on men?

The op has been referred to on here as the 'default' parent. Why? She hasn't put herself in that position. Maybe she doesn't want there to be a default parent at all but equal parents.

Its amazing how society has told us for years that mens jobs are sacrosanct because they earn more. But now women can earn more I am still seeing women as the breadwinners who are forced to take maternity leave even though its financially more detrimental to the family than parental leave because the man wont take parental leave.

Or here the woman is the breadwinner but still apparently the default parent who should be grateful her husband is not around to help with the kids because he has any job.

So apparently it wasn't that mens jobs were sacrosanct because they earnt more. Just because they have a penis.

Right, so you want him to get a better paid job - so you can carry on working part time?

are you actually taking the piss???

She's not part time. She works full time over four days, compressed hours. Or, this is what she has agreed with her employer she will go back to.

I don't understand why some people think its terrible to expect men to change their lifestyles including their jobs after having children.

I don't think, just unrealistic and unfair in most cases.*

Plenty of women change either their hours or their jobs after having children. Why shouldn't there be the same expectation on men?*

Nobody should have to change their jobs or hours because of children unless they can't find childcare IMO. The fact that lots of women choose to go part-time or change hours is a separate issue.

No

The OP had negotiated working 5 days hours over 4 days. Working full time hours compressed is not the same as working part time.

However she has been offered a better paid job that she would need to work the full 5 days a week. She feels like she is being forced to take it because the families finances are not sufficient due to the cost of living rise and its frustrating that her DH is not also looking to increase his wages to resolve the situation.

Meanwhile her DH is working a job which means he cannot help with much of the parenting during the week and some of the weekends.

So the OP is expected to do most of the parenting during the week (and I am betting housework because that's usually the way things go) more than half the parenting at the weekend, be the breadwinner and be the one actively looking for a better paid job due to the cost of living crisis.

Meanwhile her DH gets to coast in a job that means he is neither in a strong position to support the family with time or money. But according to some posters he is the one hard done by. Right...

You don't know what he earns, maybe he earns a lot less than you.

And as for fewer hours, he does eleven days out of fourteen, which is fairly unusual I think, most people work a five day week or a shift system that gives them and equivalent of around forty hours. Do you do more than that then?

Because you say if they're giving out jobs with less hours you'll have one - I think you'll find plenty of jobs are less hours than that, so if that's what you're working, go for it.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all for the whole family to consider how his job affects them and their family time. It seems he has agreed but is doing nothing about changing it. So, yes, that would be frustrating.