To expect husband to get a better job?

[Ambrrrr]

Reading aloud the subject line makes me think if I read it, I would think yes! But I’m struggling with my partners lack of motivation to improve his current occupation. The work requires a six day week every fortnight and nine hours each day. We have welcomed a baby which leaves me taking on all the parental duties an additional day every 2 weeks. I worry he’s missing out on lots and the pay is not enough for me to also not need to consider new opportunities which are offering me above a 10% increase in salary. With childcare costs in addition to this shocking rise in the cost of living, I am thinking this may be our best option.
But these would come at me losing a day a week I’ve negotiated as off with my current employer to look after our baby.
Although he says he’d like a Mon-Fri, I’ve seen no effort and motivation to improve the work hours/salary and look for something which will beyond answering calls from the odd recruiter. It’s frustrating, as there isn’t any progression at the place he’s working either.
AIBU to expect him to look for something that can improve his work life balance, as well as our financial situation so I don’t have to take this on as well as being mum most of the day/week?

Yes but it is unreasonable to demand he catch the unicorn of jobs- more pay for fewer hours all so the OP can work a plummy 4 days a week job.

Yes but it is unreasonable to demand he catch the unicorn of jobs- more pay for fewer hours all so the OP can work a plummy 4 days a week job.

So fucked up.

You've no idea how "plummy" her job is. Plus by working fill time hours over five days she'll work long days.

Also, it's not so she can have a "plummy job", it's so they can cover child care responsibilities and have time as a family

As for him working shorter hours - shorter than eleven days a fortnight shouldn't be that hard. Just a standard five day week.

We don't know his salary, or what he does, so we can't comment in how hard it would be for him to find a job right now - but it's currently definitely a job hunter's market.

She's not annoyed he's not GOT another job btw, she's annoyed he agreed to look for one and has done nothing about it.

Yeah I do actually, I’ve had compressed schedules and they are way plummy compared to the standard 5day week ones.

No, it wasn’t so they could “cover child care” what utter rot, the OP stated numerous times it’s because she wants 3 days a week with her child. WANTS not NEEDS due to “child care” gaps.

definitely a job hunter's market. Depends on the job to be fair, and most jobs that have weekend work like the DH does aren’t the type of job where you can a
opt out of weekend work without also changing careers. Also depends on where you live in the country as well, as some places certain jobs are thin on the ground due to redundancies/businesses going under.

She's not annoyed he's not GOT another job btw, she's annoyed he agreed to look for one and has done nothing about it.. Nope, she said he’s been looking but not with “enough effort” and she thinks he hasn’t found one yet because “he’s not prioritising” it. Likely the unicorn job of more pay for fewer hours doesn’t exist in DHs career field and location right now.

@VanGoghsDog
I’ve seen no effort and motivation to improve the work hours/salary and look for something which will beyond answering calls from the odd recruiter.

So he’s got his CV in with more than one recruitment agency. And they’ve been calling him as possible things come up. So far nothing has come up that ticks the box of more pay for fewer hours. Which is not unusual at all. Not much else can be done really when you’re already got a few recruiters working for you.

by misogynists who are desperate to devalue the woman’s financial contribution because in most cases it’s the man who makes more money.

I'd say the opposite; even more misogynist to disregard it as a term where there's a second earner as there are almost no partnerships where the man doesn't work at all, but lots where they do but earn less than the woman. Your definition fails to recognise those women while giving all the credit to men who earn anything at all where their partners don't work.

And compressed hours are NOT plummy.

I don't think its unreasonable to expect a parent to try bloody hard to find employment that allows them 2 days a week to be with their children and give time to their family, are you suggesting the time a parent spends with children has no value? If so the implication is that the primary contribution SAHP make to a family has in fact... no value.

If OP wasnt married to this guy, everyone would think he was a tosser if his low earnings and working pattern meant he a) provided fuck all financially for his kids and b) couldn't even take them for weekends because he was working.

If OP wasnt married to this guy, everyone would think he was a tosser if his low earnings and working pattern meant he a) provided fuck all financially for his kids and b) couldn't even take them for weekends because he was working.

I don't actually think that's the case. I think people would be saying "he works more than full time and has the children when he can - what more do you want?"

Dont talk for other people

In the real world where people value each others contribution, people accept that life isnt perfect and there is all sorts of nuance about job seeking and job keeping.

In addition, seeing OPs presentation on here, it could even be that he 'agreed' to get a different job for a quiet life but doesnt actually want to. OP sounds controlling and harsh.

Yes compressed hours are plummy, why do you think the OP wants that work schedule oh so badly? It’s because you can get the same salary by working a little longer 4days a week so you get that 5th day off. No matter what your job is, it is always more plummy to work 4 ten hrs days vs 5 eight hour days. I’ve had a compressed schedule and managed employees on compressed schedules. Everyone who could have a compressed schedule wanted it, and everyone on a compressed schedule would fight tooth and nail to keep it.

I don't think its unreasonable to expect a parent to try bloody hard to find employment that allows them 2 days a week to be with their children and give time to their family, are you suggesting the time a parent spends with children has no value?

But finding a job with fewer hours and more pay and crucially no weekend work in a type of job that usually requires weekend work doesn’t depend on how “bloody hard” you try, it literally depends on the plausibility of such a job existing. Most jobs that have weekend work, you can’t opt out no matter how hard you try. If you’re in retail, hospitality, hospital, estate agent/property management, many trades (Plummer, gas engineer, electrician) asking to never work a weekend will result in the sack. So my issue is I don’t think the OP is being realistic about her DH being able to find this unicorn of a job.

So no, I’m not implying a parents time with their children is unimportant, it is important. And in fact, I pointed out the OP is being selfish by prioritising her need to have twice as many days with their DC over her DHs time with their DC. Because it is unlikely the DH will be able bring in the higher salary she wants him to have without working more hours, reducing his time with the DC even further. So that’s why if she wants more money, she should take the job offer she already has for higher pay but a 5 day work week. As then she still has more time with the DC than her DH does, but she’s not risking him having even less time than what he has now.

If OP wasnt married to this guy, everyone would think he was a tosser if his low earnings and working pattern meant he a) provided fuck all financially for his kids and b) couldn't even take them for weekends because he was working.

Only the sexist and classist twats would think that, right? Because it’s not ok for a man to earn less than a woman, cause misogyny right, gotta keep that pay gap alive and well otherwise women will think men earning less despite working long hours are “tosses”. And only exception is if the man has a “very important job” that requires weekend working…like A&E surgeon, or MI5, or MP….and is definitely bringing home that cash cash money.

But an everyday gas engineer who answers Saturday and Sunday boiler repair call outs, or a chef/waiter/bar tender/club bouncer….well they’re all tossers how dare they have low paying jobs where they have to work weekends.

This thread is difficult to understand. I think the op is the main breadwinner and works compressed hours in four days. But due to increasing costs may have to change to a job spread over 5 days as it pays more. I'm not sure of the net gain that would provide due to the additional day of childcare.

Meanwhile the ops dh works 5 x 9 hours days one week and 6 x 9 hour days every other week. He renders 54 and 63 hpw respectively which is more than the 48 hours in the ETD which still prevails so I assume he has opted out of that. I assume the 9 hour days are for 9 hours of contractual work and the op doesn't mean it includes travelling time.

It seems the op is able to earn a higher hourly rate of pay than her dh. The dh works more hours overall than the op and still earns less. I suspect that now there is a baby the op has realised this is her future and resents her dh's current earning potential.

I wonder what her dh's job, training, quals are and how realistic it is for him to get a higher paid job.

Finally in response to the ops ire that she didn't know fuel Leicester, cost of living, etc would increase may I ask very gently how she thought the cost of furlough was going to be paid for? Did she not realise energy prices were artificially low post the energy price cap and even without Ukraine, there was only on way for prices to go? Similarly with inflation - when goverents print money, what did the op think would happen to inflation and interest rates? When the house price to income ratio is grossly out of kilter, what did people think would happen?

From what you've shared.. I feel incredibly sorry for your husband, he sounds like he works very hard.
Your post comes across as very entitled God help you if you ever find yourself in a situation where you're a full time, single working parent.

"Now we have a baby, I'd like my husband to find a job with fewer hours, so he can enjoy time with the kid."

Yep, seems reasonable.

"What with the cost of living going up, I'd like my husband to find a better paid job so that I can stick to the 'not quite full time' arrangement that I've negotiated with my employer."

Yep, seems reasonable.

"This whole kid and cost of living thing is going to be a domestic and financial disaster. I'd like my husband to find a job with fewer hours and more money so that I don't have to change my work/life balance."

Bit of a stretch.

Maybe he doesn’t want to spend more time with the baby? Most people work Mon-fri 9-5 he’s only missing out on 1 day, have you spoken to him or did you just come to moan about how you do everything? Many people work long shifts and have days off with kids it’s life, I work 12 hour shifts as a nurse 3/4 then days off it’s tiring and you appreciate your days off but I don’t expect anyone else to alter their working pattern because I’m not happy with it, discuss it with him

Plummy?! I don’t even know what this means but in the context it seems you’ve missed my point entirely. On the fifth day I will be busy as a care giver to our child. A day DH cannot negotiate as off with his employer. If he could I’d be very happy carrying on with my 5 days whilst he stayed home

Then don’t complain about his salary being too low when you’re turning down a perfectly good offer to earn more.

And please “busy as a caregiver” you & I both know it’s a privilege to spend an extra day a week with your DC.

Of course I would rather be able to spend a day a week raising my child. I am increasing the hours I work the other four to make it possible. And feeling sad that I may need to take the five day option due to rising costs. And I’m not ‘moaning’, I am simply asking a group I don’t know whether they think it’s reasonable to expect my partner to also look at what other opportunities are put there

Interesting to read this thread. OP, YANBU. OP is the one having to reconsider her work to earn more money despite already being the higher earner. At what point does OP have the CHOICE...she can't because she's supporting her lower earning husband and their child. Yes it's his life and his choice, but it's also her life and should be her choice, however the reality clearly isn't that. He's relying on her and doesn't appear compelled to change things for the benefit of the whole family. Equal effort is needed!