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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband quiet and withdrawn with me but not others

54 replies

mummybear1994 · 12/08/2022 16:02

Hi,
My partner/hubby to be is being really quiet with me and withdrawn. Struggling to make conversation with me, not smiling when talking to me. We had a date night this week and that's when I really noticed it. He was laughing and chatting the night before so I have no idea what's changed since then. He didn't seem himself first thing before work on Wednesday and when he came home it was like he couldn't be bothered and was pissed off. He said nothing was wrong. I felt like I was imagining things.
This has now continued yesterday and today. He is chatting with the builders we have here and laughing and joking but he is staying withdrawn from me: no smiling, no laughter and not making conversation at all. I have been out with the kids today and had a great time but not once has he asked about our day. He is still in his mood. I feel like I am going insane. My daughter has just commented on his mood to me, as I hadn't mentioned anything to the kids. So it isn't just me that gets a bad vibe.
What should I do? Just keep ignoring it, as asking him what's up has got me no where!

OP posts:
Cheminaufaules · 12/08/2022 16:06

How does he respond when you ask him if there is anything bothering him?

Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2022 16:09

Personally I’d be suspicious he was hiding something.

Affair/money issues/work problems etc.

I’d take a step back and just watch. You’ll get a clue soon.

redfairy · 12/08/2022 16:15

I'm not saying this is true in your case but when my EXH did this he was having an affair. He is being distracted by something.

Featuredcreature · 12/08/2022 16:21

Seems like he is punishing you for something

0live · 12/08/2022 16:23

I agree. He’s guilty or he’s punishing you.

NumberTheory · 12/08/2022 16:27

0live · 12/08/2022 16:23

I agree. He’s guilty or he’s punishing you.

^^This. Or he’s having second thoughts about the wedding/your relationship.

It does happen and it’s hard to find the space to work things out when you’re already enmeshed, living together and with kids. Ideally you can act the part until you’ve worked things out but that’s not something everyone’s skilled in.

AloyTheNora · 12/08/2022 16:27

The only way you are going to find out is by asking him. The mood he is in sounds like me sometimes...I get irrationally annoyed at my family and become withdrawn and grumpy for a day or so. It's a mental thing but a have a chat with my DH and I'm all good

It doesn't mean he is having and affair or is hiding something from you, so please talk to him before assuming the worst.

NumberTheory · 12/08/2022 16:28

*marriage, not wedding

crochetmonkey74 · 12/08/2022 16:32

I'd say guilt OP . This happened to me and the more I asked, the more my ex turned it round that I was insecure and ruining the relationship. He in fact was hiding something

Soproudoflionesses · 12/08/2022 16:38

redfairy · 12/08/2022 16:15

I'm not saying this is true in your case but when my EXH did this he was having an affair. He is being distracted by something.

Me too.

Life and soul.with everyone else but a grumpy cunt with me.

But might not be this OP

stillvicarinatutu · 12/08/2022 16:39

Reading the linked op - he's already had an affair, he's not father to the kids he's controlling and now head acting out ?

What's your gut saying?

I see from the other thread he's been going out with mates , that he normally doesn't , worked away , made plans without you for bank holiday.

I know what I'd be thinking.

Sunnyqueen · 12/08/2022 16:42

Do you have access to his phone?

Boreded · 12/08/2022 16:57

Just leave him…he is obv cheating again, or just a dick…but either way, you can do better.

look after yourself

Theonewiththecandles · 12/08/2022 21:00

Going to to go against the general narrative, but does he suffer with his mental health?
I feel like I can put on a brave face for others and be laughing and joking but only for so long. When I'm at home with my husband I feel more able to be how I really am and sometimes that's quiet and withdrawn

TheCatterall · 12/08/2022 22:06

Cheating (again) or being a dick to emotionally punish you (again).

he’s a toxic controlling manipulative arsehole. Stop wondering why he’s doing stuff and looking for reasons and validation and leave him.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 12/08/2022 22:59

My ex was like this and was lovely and chatty to everyone else and barely talked to me and grumpy and just horrible. Turns out he was a narcissistic bully. Tell him you are not putting up with this anymore as it is affecting you and the children and he can move out if he does not stop with his behaviour. Ask him what is wrong and if he continues tell him to leave as it will only get worse. Horrible to be living with someone like this as if you did something wrong and they are trying to mess with your mind and bring you down.

Tryingtohelp123 · 13/08/2022 22:30

Interesting read, especially in conjunction with the linked thread on coercive control, so tempting to say the writing is on the wall, but won't jump to that conclusion, yet.

You reference the date night when you really noticed, how did that date night differ to previous date nights? I realise how important these can be in blended relationships from past experience.

You also reference builders at the house, do you talk to each other about how the work is progressing, how great it will be when it's done? How you'll decorate it, etc.

Something completely out there, you mention he's been grumpy since work on Wednesday, is it possible something has happened at work that he's hiding, e.g. job security, work pressures etc.

Hope he opens up to you soon so as you have some idea what's going on 🙏

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2022 22:36

Why are you staying with this shitbag of a man? You already know this relationship is doomed.

Original poster
mummybear1994 · 14/08/2022 10:11

Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2022 16:32

Yes this guy.
He gets annoyed with me for such small things. He says I always create the arguments. I let so much go to avoid arguments.
He is so nice to other people. Everyone thinks he is amazing. He can be really nice but he gets so annoyed and angry with me when he is upset.

OP posts:
misskatamari · 14/08/2022 10:17

Please leave this man! Just read the start of your other thread and it's enough. Your kids having to walk on eggshells around this man? No. Just...no. That should be enough in itself to get him out of your life imo. He's abusing you and your poor kids are growing up in a house where this is normal. Please get out of this situation

Dotcheck · 14/08/2022 10:21

The man’s an asshole

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2022 10:32

Come on OP - why are you still there to be abused?

ilyx · 14/08/2022 11:10

Yikes leave him, he’s awful

jeaux90 · 14/08/2022 11:44

He controls you and your kids. He is coercive.

Do you still plan to marry someone who treats you and your kids badly?