Husband quiet and withdrawn with me but not others

[mummybear1994]

Hi,
My partner/hubby to be is being really quiet with me and withdrawn. Struggling to make conversation with me, not smiling when talking to me. We had a date night this week and that's when I really noticed it. He was laughing and chatting the night before so I have no idea what's changed since then. He didn't seem himself first thing before work on Wednesday and when he came home it was like he couldn't be bothered and was pissed off. He said nothing was wrong. I felt like I was imagining things.
This has now continued yesterday and today. He is chatting with the builders we have here and laughing and joking but he is staying withdrawn from me: no smiling, no laughter and not making conversation at all. I have been out with the kids today and had a great time but not once has he asked about our day. He is still in his mood. I feel like I am going insane. My daughter has just commented on his mood to me, as I hadn't mentioned anything to the kids. So it isn't just me that gets a bad vibe.
What should I do? Just keep ignoring it, as asking him what's up has got me no where!

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4556755-coercive-control

oh come on. Can your kids live somewhere non abusive while you’re still dating this scum?

Why on earth are you still with him? There’s nothing to suggest anything positive about your relationship in this thread or your previous one.

Honestly sickens me to read about more kids having traumatic childhoods inflicted on them to facilitate their parents sex life. Analyse your shit boyfriend in your own time, you don’t get to traumatise your kids just so you can keep your shit bloke in their home.

Yep. So many kids in crappy step parent situations. It’s really sad and your kids will not forgive you OP and will likely go no contact.

Your poor kids. They don't stand a chance.

@Spohn

It infuriates me. All these kids shoved in the middle of abuse and dysfunction and told to deal with it.

I’d sooner be alone forever than spend a day being an abusive prick’s emotional punchbag.

I’ve been left with lifelong health issues as a result of the trauma my mother chose to inflict on me by way of her choice of shags. Indefensible.

So you posted back in May that he was treating you appalling and yet you're still with him???
He's not your children's father (and they don't like him anyway), he's already had at least 1 affair and he sulks and controls you. WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM???!!!!

If any partner of mine didn't like my children/my children didn't like them then that's that!
Put them first.

Leave for your kids sake. You
Are being selfish to stay after reading you already posted about his abusive ways. Grow a pair and protect your children

How are you still with this man? WHY?!

Your poor poor kids. ☹️

He is still in his mood. I feel like I am going insane.

What should I do? Just keep ignoring it, as asking him what's up has got me no where!

Why does it drive you insane that you can't understand his moods?
Why does it drive you insane that you can't get him to talk to you?
Why does it drive you insane that you can't make him happy?

You are like an addict. You feel like your mental well-being and happiness depends on you having an emotional connection to him.

You need serious help to break free.

What you should do? Make a HUGE, HUGE effort to turn your attention away from him and focus on your children and yourself. This will be like breaking a mental addiction for you, as you are so used to your mind being focussed on him.

As a start, try reading some self-help books.
Call Women's Aid when you get to the point that you want to leave.

Meanwhile, try to keep your children away from him as much as possible.

I am emotionally broken from being in an a chain of emotionally abusive relationships.

My last relationship before this one was emotionally abusive relationship with and I did not see the warning signs. I ended up running away when my ex grabbed my son.

An emotionally abusive relationship before that where my husband did nothing emotionally for me or the kids unless others were around. He wrote a letter to my kids last summer to say he doesn't want to see them any more.

My relationship before that in my early twenties, I was a rape victim.

I got with my guy now as I thought it was a good one. He certainly gives that impression to the outside world. I am finally trapped. Name not on the mortgage yet lots of money invested in it. My parents say I am a failure at relationships and just criticise me all the time (they have for most of my life to be honest). I have no money. I have loads of debt (taken on things with my ex which I shouldn't have done and now with my fiancé). I have no energy left. I try so hard to make my relationships work but just invest my energy with the wrong people. I know if I won the lottery now I would just leave. If I owned this house I would ask him to get out. He knows I have no where to go. I have nothing. It's so easy to say just leave him. Don't understand. Perhaps you don't understand because you've never been through this before. I can't just leave. I can't just get out : emotionally, physically and financially I am at rock bottom and have had days where I have wanted to just end things.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid ?

He is showing a difference face to the outside world because he knows that's what he needs to do to be popular/liked. If he behaved like he does with you he knows full well people would not find his behaviour acceptable.

He is showing you his real face because he considers you a property/emotional punching bag and he doe not bother pretending. He also probably knows you doubt yourself and lack self-esteem so you won't challenge him and he can continue to control you.

Leave him.

I spoke to another similar charity to Women's Aid a while back. I just doubt the situations sometimes and just wonder if the problem isn't them, it's me looking negatively at situations. I get really confused. Each one of them has said that I imagine the things that are happening eg their moods, attitudes etc. I am starting to believe maybe it's me with the problem. Can it really be that I have got with the wrong guys four times in a row?

I think it would be easier if they just hit me. Sounds awful but then I would really know it was them. I honestly try my hardest to people please. I do have my own opinions and I can speak my mind at times but I try my best majority of the time to go with the flow. Maybe that's where I have gone wrong.

Thing is, you’re not going ‘help me figure out ways to leave this man’. You’re complaining about how it drives you insane when you can’t understand his moods. That doesn’t really sound like you want to leave.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, but wringing you’re hands doesn’t help your children. They appear to have been repeat victims of your poor relationship choices and it needs to stop. It’s a horrible way to grow up.

So, ring Women’s Aid now and discuss your options. Hopefully you can get out of this fairly soon, but you need to want to. As opposed to trying to please yet another man, focus on what’s best for your kids.

After that, perhaps try being single for a few years. You are not required to be in a relationship at all points.

Sorry to harsh op but you really need to toughen up, you have chosen to have children, their happiness and wellfare is YOUR responsiblity. It seems to me that you are going from relationship to relationship because you seem to feel you must have a man in your life, you DON'T!

The time is now that you need to grow a backbone and put your children first.

Prioritise your kids, you can’t keep making them live with domestic abuse. Can you contact social services, or have anyone they can live with?

Your posts about blokes, over and over, and not ‘how can I help my traumatised kids heal?’ ‘What are the lifelong impacts of childhood abuse?’ ‘How can I leave the latest abuser?’.

Good luck to your poor kids. I’m out.

(Please, please keep any future boyfriends away from your kids, perform basic safeguarding, your actions have repeatedly shown you cannot keep your kids safe, do not inflict more boyfriends on them. Absolutely no need for it.)

I was in a similar position to you but WA said that I couldn't take my son to a refuge as he was 16 - so check what your options are at least?
and please hide your passport or give it to someone to keep safe.

plus write down people's phone numbers. i lost most of my contacts when i had to change my phone number to stop the phone calls from ex husband. my contacts hadn't been save on my phone or something technical. so i literally lost 50% of them.

if you spoke to someone who said that it is coerccive control then your partner could/will be arrested for that. held for 24 hours. told not to go bacck to the home for 30 days. told not to contact you. i'd be logging it on 101 at least.

what you are on the cusp of going through is stress and trauma but you can do it and you will be free when this controlling pig of a man is no longer controlling you and making you think you've gone mad.

the "how to boil a frog" analogy explains CC. i could only read the first 2 sentences of it but i got the gist and no. you're not going mad. you're seeing things for what they are.
best of luck.

@@mummybear1994

yes, it's totally possible you've got together with several abusive men. We tend to go with what we know & tend to attract the same kind of man over & over.

I think you need practical, financial help as well as emotional help.

How did you come to put so much money into a property where your name isn't on the deeds?

I don't know what legal help us available in your situation, but womens Sid might be able to help you with that.

stop trying to work him out, use all your energy working out how to get out, with at least some of your money.

I have been in your shoes.

i couldn’t leave immediately but I talked and got support from all the available groups.

i made a plan. I was out in 6 months with their support.

if your parents aren’t supportive or loving… slowly but surely limit contact and exposure to them or go grey rock/no contact. They aren’t the support you need or the loving parents you wish them to be. I’m sure looking back they have helped shape you into the woman you are today with a lifetime of verbal + put downs. You are better than them.

you have to slowly but surely manage things better internally. Get stronger little by little. Your children need you to do this. My children did. My children needed to see that I could recover and be a better parent, role model and care giver. I needed to show them how loving, healthy, responsible adults deal with relationships when they go wrong. How we should treat those we love. And how not to.

even if it means leaving and going bankrupt so you aren’t saddled with a lifetime of Debt - do it.

id look into advice now about becoming bankrupt - talk to stepchange or other charities about finances. Stress that you are being financially controlled and can’t have the debt hanging over you. That would be one weight off you.

Make an exit plan. Celebrate the small victories in your mindset and progress. Think of how free you will feel after this. Go through the Freedom programme. Get help/therapy even if just online through mindsmatters or a thousand other charities. Stop looking for relationships until you have a better one with the Amazing woman trapped inside yourself.

you will be free. You are worth happiness and love even if that just comes from within and your children.

Did you make any contribution financially to the house and did you ringfience if so that you could get it back? Can you retrieve any money from the relationship to get out? I have to agree with some posters here in that you have been exceptionally naive in your financial and partner choices and you and your children deserve better. Maybe if you take time to be a mother and independent of men you will get some perspective on men or at the very least not go overboard in financially and emotionally investing in them until they genuinely prove themselves.

Can you prove you’ve invested in the house? If so you MAY have a claim.

Dig out paperwork, emails, texts etc all relating to you transferring the money etc and see what you have and try to get some legal advice.

rightsofwomen.org.uk

Might be able to give you some advice.