DD's controlling friend & safeguarding

[Obeythedancecommander]

Should I be speaking to the school about this friendship/child?

My DD is going into y2 and is confident and outgoing. We moved schools beginning of the year and a girl who was initially mean to my DD is now her friend.

My daughter mentioned casually a few times how her friend has to decide what games they play in the playground and gets cross with her or cries if she doesn't agree or if she plays with other kids. I encouraged DD to play with other children too and occasionally she would say they played in a group.

A few weeks ago DD asked me if I'd heard of "huggy wuggy and kissy missy" and explained they were scary characters. I dug a bit and she told me her friend plays these scary games at home and also watches "pennywise the scary clown" too and at school DD is forced to play whatever a playground recreation of these things is and she doesn't want to. Huggy wuggy is part of a horror game called "Poppy Playtime" and is 100% not suitable for any 6 year old. Obviously the same with pennywise.

I invited this child over to our house to play a few days ago (DD has been desperate for playdates) and I thought it would be a good opportunity to observe the friendship.

She remarked on all my daughters toys, I asked her what toys she had at home. She said she only had an ipad and barbies. I asked her what did she like to do on her ipad and she said she liked to play roblox and watch scary things like Poppy Playtime and watch Killer Clowns called pennywise. This led to me gently asking leading questions on this and basically she is allowed free range of the ipad and to watch things I would personally deem inappropriate.

The day initially started well but soon became apparent this child had to make every decision on what they were doing and how they did it and DD was not allowed input. I initially encouraged my daughter to let her friend have dibs on certain things as the guest (this child didn't bring a swimming costume, and wanted the one my daughter was wearing instead of the spare costume I offered her. Neither would agree but eventually my daughter relented). This continued on, the child demanding x y z and my daughter trying to negotiate and compromise but this child not willing to meet halfway.

It came to a head later on in the day with my daughter refusing to give up something (they were roleplaying) and my daughter saying "hang on, gave you that, I gave you this when we did x, I gave you y when we did that... why can't I have anything?" I was watching them from the stairwell and began trying to mediate which was pointless. The girl squeezed my daughters wrists really hard refusing refusing let her move and said "if you don't let me have it I'm not going to be your friend and I'll never be your friend again at school". It led to both girls crying and me trying to mediate again and comfort the other child as well my own.

The girl threatened the not being friends thing at school a lot. Not sure how we got there but she started reiterating what my daughter had said about her not letting her play with other kids and saying she only ever wanted to play with my DD and my DD isn't allowed to play with others at school. I said it's nice to play with lots of different people or in a big group and she said again, if DD plays with others when they go back to school she would not be friends with her.

For the last hour of the playdate they got on ok but I am wondering how to approach this. I am concerned about how controlling this child is and I don't want DD to not be able to have other friends at school.

I questioned my daughter gently but in depth and she says this girl will just cry and scream at school if she tries to play with other kids or doesn't play her games by her rules. I explained about give and take and how it's not a true friendship if you being forced to do things all the time.

AIBU to bring this up with the school? Has anyone been in a similar situation and was the school able to do anything? It's obviously the summer holidays but I don't think an email is enough.

Also, if the school did agree to meet with me AIBU mentioning the inappropriate media she is accessing? Or is it just my opinion its inappropriate?

Definitely bring it up with the school, and do it in writing too.

I was watching them from the stairwell and began trying to mediate which was pointless. The girl squeezed my daughters wrists really hard refusing refusing let her move and said "if you don't let me have it I'm not going to be your friend and I'll never be your friend again at school". It led to both girls crying and me trying to mediate again and comfort the other child as well my own.

I think you should focus on your own safeguarding/parenting first tbh

What is wrong with my parenting exactly if I'm supervising kids who I can hear from downstairs are getting heated so I've gone up to check it's all OK which clearly it wasn't?

She's being bullied by this girl.

Tell your DD she doesn't have to be friends with her. Then she can play with whoever she likes at school, and it doesn't matter if this kid has a tantrum about it. Your daughter will probably feel relieved to be given 'permission' to do this.

The girl has issues, but it's not your daughter's responsibility to solve them. The problem with a 'be kind' type message here, is that it is teaching your daughter to accept being bullied and controlled. This friendship must be making her miserable.

Tell the school that the other girl needs help with understanding friendships, but your daughter is to be supported to move into healthier friendships.

OP,

What you have written is dreadful.

Get onto the school and ask them to keep the children apart.
Not sitting near each other.
Separated in the school yard.

List out the behaviours, threats, the physically restraining and hurting.

I actually can't believe you allowed it to go on all afternoon.

I would have suggested that it was time to go home as she clearly wasn't happy at your home.

Nip tjis very firmly in the bud with the school or you could have huge problems ahead of you next year.

Oh FFS.

Um, yes, and a physical attack on my child would have resulted in a telling off and being sent home, not my comforting her attacker.

There’s nothing wrong with your parenting OP, that was an extremely unkind response. I probably would try to get some distance between your DD and this child, it is a shame for her as she’s clearly unhappy but your DD shouldn’t have to deal with that. But I’d absolutely bring this up with the school.

OP there's nothing wrong with your parenting. The only thing I might have done differently is that when the other girl started hurting my DD, I would have said, right, it's time to go home now, I'll phone your mummy to come and get you.

Definitely phone the school and put your concerns in writing. Keep emphasising to your DD that she can play with whoever she wants, and that this child doesn't get to tell her what to do.

The other child sounds very troubled. It would be doing the right thing to raise your concerns.

‘Trying pointlessly to mediate’ between six year olds while your daughter gets bullied and physically hurt in her own house and then comforting the other kid and allowing the play date to continue is absolutely insane behaviour. I wouldn’t watch a six year old in the park behaving like that without very sternly intervening and separating them, let alone one in my house under my care attacking my child.

Your daughter isn't being 'forced' to do anything and the fact you keep using that word is a bit telling. Maybe you need to work on your daughters ability to stand up for herself, a good learning moment would have been the swimming costume thing, why did you back down to her as well?! Think what kind of message that sends to your daughter!

Also you can't take a kids word on what toys they have at home or what they are and aren't allowed to do because it's probably miles from the truth. You must be in contact with the mum, can you not have a discreet word about the huggy wuggy thing if your bothered? Otherwise I would just encourage your child to stand up for herself and move away friendship wise from this girl, if that means your daughter approaching lunchtime staff for help so be it.

Just FYI, I did obviously tell this child that hurting was not right etc I'm not an idiot.

I comforted my own child first of course, then the other child fled the room and was crying down stairs which led to us all downstairs and I was comforting them both after.

I didn't allow it to go on all day, they were mostly outside playing and in the living room and I can hear very well in our new build what's going on upstairs. It only turned particularly sour in the last part of the day and I did contact her mum to pick her up as soon as I had calmed everyone down (Inc my 2 year old!)

I did note the controlling behavior earlier on and I'd already decided at that point that she wouldn't be coming back to ours again and my daughter certainly wouldn't be going to hers if she was ever invited.

Oh and the squeezing the wrist thing should have been the end of the play date, letting it carry on just sends message to your daughter that it's OK for this girl to treat her like that.

OP it sounds like you tried to manage that situation as best you could. You can mention to the school your concerns especially in regards to the impact it may be having on your DD and her other friendships. You can mention the inappropriate content she is accessing (she might be or she might have overheard older siblings/playground chat) but mostly focus on not wanting your DD to be 'not allowed' to play with others.

The best thing you can do for your DD is to actually teach her that she does not have to appease this girl and help her to develop more healthy friendships. Invite other kids round fot a playdate and help her to understand she should not let this other girl tell her what she can and can't do.

The mediating was happening before the squeezing and grabbing, my daughter tried to leave the room and she grabbed her. I obviously didn't just sit back and let her carry on. Then the girl ran downstairs after I had told her that we don't hurt. Then she was just sobbing in the corner, should I have just left her to it? I made sure my daughter was OK first.

When I had the chat about what went on earlier with my daughter and I talked about give and take and what friendship was I said about playing with others. My daughter said that X won't be my friend anymore and got visibly upset. I then said its not a true friendship and she doesn't need a friend like that etc etc.

I'm 100% happy in how I dealt with the situation before and afterwards and my AIBU is not about the ins and outs of that (it'd be far to long to write out absolutely everything I did or said). I'm asking about how I deal with this outside of my home.

Sorry but why do you think the op wasn't safeguarding her dd? The other (mean) girl was just being a stroppy 7 year old, hardly a safeguarding concern?

It was the end of the playdate though! Her mum picked her up an hour after the incident, she was coming from work and had a set a time to pick up previously

Why? Grabbing her wrist is hardly hitting or shoving, is it? There were several girls in year 2 who grabbed my dd's wrists and the teachers would have laughed me out of the room if I had brought this up. It's just usual kids stuff.

I'd definitely want to know if this was happening to a child in my class. I'd also want to know about the access to inappropriate media - this could be important as part of a bigger picture and is a form of neglect.

Sorry this is happening to your DD, it sounds like she is handling herself really well but there is only so much she can do with a situation like this. To be honest, it sounds like her peer needs some kind of monitoring/intervention. I'd definitely want to put support in place for your DD at school because relationships like this can have a really negative impact.

Where I do disagree with you is on the swimming costume here. If you know this girl is like that you don't leave them to find a compromise. You be the adult 'no DD is wearing that one but you can wear this one. The end.' You're role modelling giving in not compromise. You didn't have your Dad's back and she had to back down.

But yes. Contact the school for sure and make sure your DD is being supported to play with other friends.

I also had to have words with DS6 teacher about the Huggy Wuggy stuff too. It was really freaking him out when his friend kept telling him he'd hug and squeeze him until he died.

@DrShepsBall

Why? Grabbing her wrist is hardly hitting or shoving, is it? There were several girls in year 2 who grabbed my dd's wrists and the teachers would have laughed me out of the room if I had brought this up. It's just usual kids stuff.

First of all I never said she should bring it up to the teacher?? I don't think op should tell the school anything actually. Secondly, give grabbing and squeezing are two different things. If your happy for your kids to get bullied and walked all over that's fine but I teach mine to stand up for themselves.

Oh and before anyone picks that apart the mum messaged to say she had finished work did she want me to pick up on way home at around 3 o clock or did she want to stay longer. I then said yes pick her up.

The swimming costume thing was at the start of the playdate, so I thought it would be kind to let her guest have it. I didn't realise the whole day would be her demanding everything.

What on earth is the other girl being exposed to at home/by siblings etc.? I would be mentioning to the school.

@MiddleParking please do educate us all and explain how the OP is a
safeguarding risk?

OP, yes, contact the school, this needs dealing with.
Can you invite some other children for play dates?

You might feel that’s acceptable for your daughter. Nobody would be laughing anyone out the room if it was mine. (Also, the post you quoted quite rightly suggested ending the play date over the wrist squeezing, not involving the teacher in it).