DD's controlling friend & safeguarding

[Obeythedancecommander]

Should I be speaking to the school about this friendship/child?

My DD is going into y2 and is confident and outgoing. We moved schools beginning of the year and a girl who was initially mean to my DD is now her friend.

My daughter mentioned casually a few times how her friend has to decide what games they play in the playground and gets cross with her or cries if she doesn't agree or if she plays with other kids. I encouraged DD to play with other children too and occasionally she would say they played in a group.

A few weeks ago DD asked me if I'd heard of "huggy wuggy and kissy missy" and explained they were scary characters. I dug a bit and she told me her friend plays these scary games at home and also watches "pennywise the scary clown" too and at school DD is forced to play whatever a playground recreation of these things is and she doesn't want to. Huggy wuggy is part of a horror game called "Poppy Playtime" and is 100% not suitable for any 6 year old. Obviously the same with pennywise.

I invited this child over to our house to play a few days ago (DD has been desperate for playdates) and I thought it would be a good opportunity to observe the friendship.

She remarked on all my daughters toys, I asked her what toys she had at home. She said she only had an ipad and barbies. I asked her what did she like to do on her ipad and she said she liked to play roblox and watch scary things like Poppy Playtime and watch Killer Clowns called pennywise. This led to me gently asking leading questions on this and basically she is allowed free range of the ipad and to watch things I would personally deem inappropriate.

The day initially started well but soon became apparent this child had to make every decision on what they were doing and how they did it and DD was not allowed input. I initially encouraged my daughter to let her friend have dibs on certain things as the guest (this child didn't bring a swimming costume, and wanted the one my daughter was wearing instead of the spare costume I offered her. Neither would agree but eventually my daughter relented). This continued on, the child demanding x y z and my daughter trying to negotiate and compromise but this child not willing to meet halfway.

It came to a head later on in the day with my daughter refusing to give up something (they were roleplaying) and my daughter saying "hang on, gave you that, I gave you this when we did x, I gave you y when we did that... why can't I have anything?" I was watching them from the stairwell and began trying to mediate which was pointless. The girl squeezed my daughters wrists really hard refusing refusing let her move and said "if you don't let me have it I'm not going to be your friend and I'll never be your friend again at school". It led to both girls crying and me trying to mediate again and comfort the other child as well my own.

The girl threatened the not being friends thing at school a lot. Not sure how we got there but she started reiterating what my daughter had said about her not letting her play with other kids and saying she only ever wanted to play with my DD and my DD isn't allowed to play with others at school. I said it's nice to play with lots of different people or in a big group and she said again, if DD plays with others when they go back to school she would not be friends with her.

For the last hour of the playdate they got on ok but I am wondering how to approach this. I am concerned about how controlling this child is and I don't want DD to not be able to have other friends at school.

I questioned my daughter gently but in depth and she says this girl will just cry and scream at school if she tries to play with other kids or doesn't play her games by her rules. I explained about give and take and how it's not a true friendship if you being forced to do things all the time.

AIBU to bring this up with the school? Has anyone been in a similar situation and was the school able to do anything? It's obviously the summer holidays but I don't think an email is enough.

Also, if the school did agree to meet with me AIBU mentioning the inappropriate media she is accessing? Or is it just my opinion its inappropriate?

Alright, good for you.
We have age control on our YouTube, so maybe it only shows the less violent episodes. What I have seen DS watch (as I say, I supervise his youtube watching as some stuff isn't great) isn't worse than many other things aimed at or allowed his age group. He is not remotely phased by it. We all need to make judgements as parents.
All I am saying is that your daughter's friend knowing who these characters are doesn't mean she has regular access to violence and porn at home, so no need to raise a safeguarding concern with the school about that. If someone did that about DS for the reason he knew who huggy wuggy was (he has the teddy too - shock horror), I would welcome SS with open arms because they would have ZERO concerns about how he is being parented.

In my (extensive) experience as a parent, as school literacy support and on school boards, telling the teacher is certainly not 'fairly useless.' I've seen controlling and difficult friendships be handled with skill both in the classroom and at break times. Many schools have more than one teacher on duty that will keep an eye out if they know there's a particular issue.

Also, if the school did agree to meet with me AIBU mentioning the inappropriate media she is accessing? Or is it just my opinion its inappropriate? I'd imagine if you told the school the full story including mentioning the media they'd be the best judge of appropriateness. But unless it's really informing the dynamic, then it may not be relevant and would be outside their scope.

I can't believe you stood back and let this girl treat your daughter like that in her own home. No wonder she can't stand up for herself.

She doesn't just know who the characters are though, as I mentioned she told me she watched them herself.

Yep, and as I said DS watches some of it too. That still doesn't = unsupervised internet access or parents allowing access to harmful material.

I didn't stand back and let her treat her like anything, I intervened as was necessary. Initially all I said was it would be nice to let her friend wear the swimming costume she wanted and asked her to let her which she did. She didn't let DD chose games or what they did without a battle and was making threats. I haven't written absolutely everything that happened that day, just enough to give an idea, but I didn't stand by and let my DD get walked all over. I wanted opinions on approaching the school, not how I handled a playdate.

Roblox can be toxic for the following reasons (that it am aware of), they can all be redressed by parents if they put on restrictions (as long as the children don't turn them off again!)

The chat facility - the culture of chat in the game. There are lots of older people (teens / adults) on it who talk horribly to younger children, they goad them and argue /troll/bully. This gives children an example of bullying and aggression and poor online behaviours and they can mimic them/think this is acceptable.

The number of bullying reports we have had from parents amongst friends at our primary on this game. Children are often not mature enough (please note this isnt all children at all).

Both of the above can be fixed by disabling chat so it is fixable.

Games can be created within roblox, some of these actually have an 18 age rating so not appropriate for younger children. I'm not sure how you fix this one as my children aren't interested in roblox.

I am by no means anti gaming, there are normally ways to play safer but unfortunately some parents don't always know about them so whilst your child can be well protected they can still be exposed to it secondhand (eg in the playground etc). Annoyingly many games put the onus on the parents to find out and switch on restrictions rather than making as safe as possible and the turning those restrictions off for older children. Also children are super smart and know how to get around restrictions!

Sorry the above was for @DrShepsBall

@ChagSameachDoreen

She can and does stand up for herself, hence the fact she didn't just relent to her friend. She is not a pushover, please don't try to analyse a child's behaviour by a single post on mumsnet, you do not know her or me.

She is standing up for herself at school and at the playdate at home. She is being manipulated by someone who is threatening to remove all friendship if she doesn't agree and my daughter isn't perhaps experienced enough to know a good friendship from a bad one just yet.

OP ,why on earth did you allow,and encourage, your daughter to give up her favourite swimming costume.

This is not being kind this is putting others needs before your own.

Build your daughters confidence and less of the 'being kind '.

Honestly, I think it's a bit strangeto come onto MN and complain about a 6 year because they are a bit mean and watch YouTube and then get offending by people commenting on the behaviours of your child and you. Ask the school to look out for bullying, stop inviting the girl over for playdates, and encourage other friendships.
They generally grow out of a lot of this in the next couple of years. And then new problems start!

@justmaybenot In my extensive experience of over twenty years of teaching in both state and private schools, I can tell you that you are wrong. Yes, some schools have more than one teacher on duty, depending on the size of the school, but they won't necessarily be acquainted with all the different friendship dynamics.

I've seen controlling and difficult friendships be handled with skill both in the classroom and at break times

How have you seen this if you're not in the school?

As I said, I've worked in literacy support in classrooms. And have experience of teachers on duty being asked to keep an eye out for particularly toxic friendships. My experience is not wrong. I only have this experience in two schools and maybe I can't extrapolate from that, but don't imagine they were completely unique.

Op i had this exact situation 4/5years ago! In fact it was so bad i became sick with worry. School were no help as the child was compliant and quiet in class! And to be quite frank the school was terrible at addressing any problem. This child would literally hug squeeze my daughter until she cried and refuse to let go, she dominated all play decisions and would not let my child play with any other kids, she'd also love bomb my daughter, she was the most manipulative child i have ever met. In the end i started to read my daughter a book called 'my secret bully' although the situation in the book was slightly different my daughter recognised that people who were supposed to be your friend could also bully you and she realised that her friend was her bully. We also did alot of talking about what makes a good friend and what behaviours are not those of a friend. In the end to fully kill off the friendship i did have to be more blunt. I also did loads of playdates with other children. Eventually my daughter just decided one day to not be friends with her, this was helped along as they had a massive argument when my daughter finally found her voice. Six months later my daughter changed schools which further helped. I know from others that her behaviour has not changed as she got older and in fact has only intensified (just think if school had got involved they could have worked with her on healthy relationships). I fully expect that whoever she ends up with she will abuse.
Speak to the school. Set up playdates with other children. And help your daughter to work out what a good friend is. And if all else fails tell her you ban their friendship.

Because I was always encouraged to share my things when I had friends over as a child, and when my daughter has been to playdates the host has always been encouraged to share their things with my daughter.

I wouldn't ask my daughter to share her own personal things with a child she didn't know at the park. But on a playdate I wouldn't like the guest not get to play with something they picked up or wanted because my child wanted that same specific thing too on every occasion. It's give and take; taking turns and learning to share and compromise. When the compromising and sharing wasn't happening both ways I stepped in.

OP it sounds like you did what you could, I wouldn't worry about your own handling of it.

We stopped doing the I'm the Guest thing as I found the other child tended to exploit it and expect to get first dibs on everything and monopolise play so I spent half my life sorting out fights. I just had a rule that, in this house, we share and take turns.

As for how to handle it in the school, mention the inappropriate stuff, ask the girls to be separated and get them to keep an eye. The rest is down to you. Equip your daughter with the tools to recognise and leave bad friendships. I would say to my daughter that the girl breaking friends would be the best thing she could do, not the worst possible outcome

definitely raise it at school.

This is coercive control and bullying of a female. (your DD). Make it stop. You do NOT want DD to grow up accepting that as "normal relations from my chosen pal"

DD'd new friend is possibly mirroring her home circumstances, but school or SS are best equipped to deal with why she's like that. and help her.

I'd be in touch with the school via email now and ask for a meeting when the new term starts. Focus on helping your daughter understand what a friend looks like, and does not look like, what behaviour is appropriate to tolerate from others, what boundaries are and how to set and enforce them. This might be the first difficult character she's encountered but it wont' be the last. Back her up by helping her choose some different friends and inviting them over to play etc, explaining that you wont' be inviting this child over again and why.

My dd had a friend like this at primary school, this girl wouldn't even allow her to play or talk to her siblings at school, my god it caused nothing but trouble. I was relieved when they finally went to separate secondary schools.

My son has just finished year 2, if a kid told him in front of me that he wasn’t allowed to play with anyone else I would say ‘he absolutely is allowed to play with other children and hopefully he will do if you keep hurting him’. Then call parent to come and collect! It would be good for your daughter to hear you stand up for her like that, and good for the other kid to hear that.

And yes tell the school.

Tbh I think the person you needed to speak to about the playdate is the other parent not the school!

If you want the school to perhaps keep an eye on the friendship in school then speak to school about that. You can ask them to be kept apart in the class in that they don't need to sit with each other but in terms of the playground your dd will choose herself.

I've emailed the school and mentioned there's a safeguarding issue too so will meet them as soon as they can

It's school holidays. If you feel there's a safeguarding issue you need to report it now, not wait till the new term starts. Report to your local children's safeguarding team.