DD's controlling friend & safeguarding

[Obeythedancecommander]

Should I be speaking to the school about this friendship/child?

My DD is going into y2 and is confident and outgoing. We moved schools beginning of the year and a girl who was initially mean to my DD is now her friend.

My daughter mentioned casually a few times how her friend has to decide what games they play in the playground and gets cross with her or cries if she doesn't agree or if she plays with other kids. I encouraged DD to play with other children too and occasionally she would say they played in a group.

A few weeks ago DD asked me if I'd heard of "huggy wuggy and kissy missy" and explained they were scary characters. I dug a bit and she told me her friend plays these scary games at home and also watches "pennywise the scary clown" too and at school DD is forced to play whatever a playground recreation of these things is and she doesn't want to. Huggy wuggy is part of a horror game called "Poppy Playtime" and is 100% not suitable for any 6 year old. Obviously the same with pennywise.

I invited this child over to our house to play a few days ago (DD has been desperate for playdates) and I thought it would be a good opportunity to observe the friendship.

She remarked on all my daughters toys, I asked her what toys she had at home. She said she only had an ipad and barbies. I asked her what did she like to do on her ipad and she said she liked to play roblox and watch scary things like Poppy Playtime and watch Killer Clowns called pennywise. This led to me gently asking leading questions on this and basically she is allowed free range of the ipad and to watch things I would personally deem inappropriate.

The day initially started well but soon became apparent this child had to make every decision on what they were doing and how they did it and DD was not allowed input. I initially encouraged my daughter to let her friend have dibs on certain things as the guest (this child didn't bring a swimming costume, and wanted the one my daughter was wearing instead of the spare costume I offered her. Neither would agree but eventually my daughter relented). This continued on, the child demanding x y z and my daughter trying to negotiate and compromise but this child not willing to meet halfway.

It came to a head later on in the day with my daughter refusing to give up something (they were roleplaying) and my daughter saying "hang on, gave you that, I gave you this when we did x, I gave you y when we did that... why can't I have anything?" I was watching them from the stairwell and began trying to mediate which was pointless. The girl squeezed my daughters wrists really hard refusing refusing let her move and said "if you don't let me have it I'm not going to be your friend and I'll never be your friend again at school". It led to both girls crying and me trying to mediate again and comfort the other child as well my own.

The girl threatened the not being friends thing at school a lot. Not sure how we got there but she started reiterating what my daughter had said about her not letting her play with other kids and saying she only ever wanted to play with my DD and my DD isn't allowed to play with others at school. I said it's nice to play with lots of different people or in a big group and she said again, if DD plays with others when they go back to school she would not be friends with her.

For the last hour of the playdate they got on ok but I am wondering how to approach this. I am concerned about how controlling this child is and I don't want DD to not be able to have other friends at school.

I questioned my daughter gently but in depth and she says this girl will just cry and scream at school if she tries to play with other kids or doesn't play her games by her rules. I explained about give and take and how it's not a true friendship if you being forced to do things all the time.

AIBU to bring this up with the school? Has anyone been in a similar situation and was the school able to do anything? It's obviously the summer holidays but I don't think an email is enough.

Also, if the school did agree to meet with me AIBU mentioning the inappropriate media she is accessing? Or is it just my opinion its inappropriate?

Don't have this child round to your house again. Your DD doesn't deserve to be bullied, manipulated, gas-lit, and physically hurt in her own home.

And yes, contact the school. You want this monitored, and them kept apart as much as possible.

Hi OP, I am a deputy safeguarding lead and you absolutely need to tell the school about the accessing of inappropriate content. Whether the girl is actually accessing this or hearing from older children, the source needs to be identified. Your designated safeguarding lead contact details will be on the school website. I would email it across now. I would also talk to class teacher and ask for the girls to be observed and kept apart as much as possible. As a class they can work on healthy relationships during circle time as well as online safety. The school can also work with the child and family on appropriate behaviours and safeguarding. Roblox is not an appropriate game for 6 year olds either, my 15 year old puts it best 'mum, it's one of the most toxic games out there' but often parents don't realise this (there are ways to improve it though).

Definitely tell school and tell your daughter not to play with her anymore. Young kids have there moments but this sounds toxic.
when my daughter was a similar age a I asked for her to be separated from another girl when the classes changed. Best decision I ever made.

Always someone !
You did what any sensible parent would do when observing a situation.

Contact the school. Encourage your daughter to not play with this girl anymore. Things will not improve.

Definitely tell the school. We had this with my ds in terms of a controlling friend who wouldn't 'let' him play with anyone else in school- funnily enough also from a child who had what seemed to be unlimited access to the internet. The teacher dealt with it very well and although the other child's mother gave me filthy looks forever afterward, it was great to know my ds felt safer in school and managed to develop healthier friendships.

Definitely tell school. This is not the behaviour of a friend.
Let this child have her tantrums- if she tantrums at school they'll deal with it.

Thank you for the supportive comments. Again, I'm happy with how I handled it. I didn't leave dd with a bully, I was supervising then stepped in when needed. As mentioned previously she won't be coming over again and dd won't be going to hers if invited, but I'm glad we did the playdate as it confirmed that something isn't right with this other kid and I can now make the school aware.

I've emailed the school and mentioned there's a safeguarding issue too so will meet them as soon as they can and will encourage DD to play with others regardless of what they other child says.

Trying to arrange other playdates when the other kids are back off their hols as a lot are away.

Hi OP, I have a similar issue with my DD of a year older. It stresses me out so much as my DD refuses to even contemplate playing with any other child at school. I don't encourage them seeing each other out of school and occasionally mention playing with other children in their play - being a five sometimes instead of a two etc.
I encourage friendships and activities out of school as much as I can but I can't force her to make friends.

Oh and I mention at every parents evening that I want DD to sit with other children and encourage other friendships. It's had a big knock on family life as this other girl is very lazy and doesn't do the daily mile or run about at play time, just wanders and chats. DD is high energy and her sleep is very poor due to the lack of exercise during the school day.

I would definitely be sitting your daughter down and having a gentle talk with her, explaining that she mustn't allow this girl to dominate her, and if she's being bullied into doing things she doesn't want to, she must tell the teacher/playground assistant. Unfortunately these children/people exist in all walks of life, I certainly have memories of children like this in school, and feeling overwhelmed. I have also met these people in later years and luckily spotted the signs of manipulation and stepped back. I feel for your little girl, at such a young age its difficult to have the strength to stand up to bullies. As other PPs have advised, speak to the school about it all

I think you need to focus on your daughter's attitude. She should be able to tell this girl that she'll play with other children if she wants to.
It seems natural for you to want to intervene, but keep intervention for home.
Teachers have enough to do, without policing friendships. You are probably not the only parent asking the teacher to 'keep an eye' on this or that child. There will be you telling the teacher to keep DD and friend apart, then there'll be X's mum telling the teacher to keep X away from Y, and G's mum telling the teacher to keep G away from D. You get the picture. Teachers are there to teach.

Lots of kids like huggy wuggy and don't find him scary at all. I let my DS watch it (lots of his peers do too). I supervise it and think it's ok. So I am not sure the fact she knows hugge wuggy and poppy play time is a huge red flag. Nor do I think it's necessary appropriate to make a report to the school on her internet use based on information from a small child.

But the behaviour is not on, and I would flag to the school so they can keep an eye out. I would actively encourage your daughter to play with other children, and not faciliate the friendship with more play dates. At that age you have a lot of control over your child's friendships, so actively encourage others by inviting them over etc. That is is the easiest way to stop her being so involed with this girl.

At 6 years old, many children would struggle to assert themselves without some support. Teachers are there to teach. Yes, and at this age that includes teaching social behaviours. The teacher and school can and should help. It could include not pairing two particular children together for activities, keeping an eye out during breaks and so on. Schools will have seen this before, and have strategies. They're not just experts at literacy, numeracy etc.

Even with YouTube safe setting on that programme comes up so yes parents could think they’re being proactive in monitoring safety
as you say lots of children watch it
I went to town with one of kids the other week and the market toy stalls were all full of huggy wuggy et al soft toys. I saw several young children but them with parents in tow

I agree with you though that the behaviour is concerning as well as the effect it’s having on the OPs daughter so would take that side of it further. That child wouldn’t be coming back to my house

How is it toxic?

@justmaybenot
You have obviously no teaching experience. Break times have one teacher on duty in the playground - not necessarily the DD's teacher, and lunchtime breaks are supervised by dinnertime staff, not teachers.
There's no way a year 6 teacher on break duty can be expected to know all the friendship groups of other year groups.
The teacher can only intervene in the classroom, in very specific situations where children are paired together. Ninety percent of the children 's friendship issues occur during breaks. 'Telling the teacher' is fairly useless in most situations.

Yes tell the school, ask how they can expand dds circle of friends and what they'll do if child kicks off. Ie not encourage dd to sort it out!
Ask to be on different tables etc in class.

Ask dd what makes a good friend, kind, thoughtful, shares, etc. who in their class might be a good friend to them? And encourage those friendships, short play dates after school is a good start, or a visit to the park together.

I'd also look at brownies, or other clubs to expand her friendships and confidence. Look at social stories, really your dd needs to recognise that this child isn't being a good friend.

She doesn't just know about huggy wuggy, she has been watching/playing it/watching other people playing it. Likewise she knows who pennywise the dancing clown is and watches killer clown videos on YouTube.

How old is your DS? I've watched it since and don't think it's anywhere near appropriate for a 6 or 7 year old to watch. There was a police campaign about huggy wuggy back in April apparently.

I'm aware that I can't protect my daughter from the big bad world forever, but damn I'll try my best to whilst I can. Maybe the parent has no idea but equally, kids need monitoring online.

He's five. He has watched poppy play time. I have watched it with him (because I supervise his YouTube use) and given that he is not at all scared or thinks its real, I don't think it's inapproprite. Huggywuggy looks a bit scary, but pretty much doesn't do anything other than walking around looking a bit scary.

@Hungryharriet

There is 90 children at this school and its years R-y2 not year 6, its an infants. Its such a close knit school that it's easy to identify the friendship groups.

Did you tell her Mum what she had done when she picked her up? So her Mum can also talk it over with her daughter and she understands that hurting your child was unacceptable. It's great you are emailing the school as they can deal with things from their side, but it is also ok for your to raise stuff with this girl's Mum.

Just report to the safeguarding lead but get the idea if you going in for a meeting about another child out of your mind. You report, school take it from there. You can only meet about your own child. Obviously teachers do keep an eye and primary teachers certainly teach about friendships. Even in secondary there are head of year who tell teachers not to sit people together.

I agree with everyone on here.

Just adding. Girl sounds overpowering and very hard to say no to. Your dd was clearly trying - as you were and even you had a job as an adult so it isn't a weakness with either of you. There is obviously something underlying but your dd is your main concern.

Just a little tip. Be wary of other parents wanting to arrange long playdates in the holidays. It is a way for some to sneak in childcare. It happenedto me often. At this age, 2 hours max is enough and i would stick to them in term time to avoid this scenario . If you want to entertain dd, stick to meeting up withpeoplein the park or just turn up to the local one as there,are often other school kids there

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer

"The game itself is a scary experience designed to thrill and unsettle. It has been rated as suitable for 13 year-olds by ESRB and for 12 year-olds by PEGI. This includes descriptors for Violence, Blood from ESRB and Moderate Violence and Horror from PEGI

The VSC Rating Board, extend the PEGI rating by stating “this game features a sense of threat and dread throughout as the player’s character explores an abandoned factory. In one intense sequence, the player’s character is pursued by a monster, including through a series of dark air vents. In another sequence, a heavy box is dropped onto a fantasy character, causing it to fall from a height. Blood appears on some pipes that the character strikes as it falls.”

There's a horrible huggy wuggy song too and the lyrics are just horrible. My daughter knows what's real and what isn't, I still wouldn't let her watch it and for good reason.