DD's controlling friend & safeguarding

[Obeythedancecommander]

Should I be speaking to the school about this friendship/child?

My DD is going into y2 and is confident and outgoing. We moved schools beginning of the year and a girl who was initially mean to my DD is now her friend.

My daughter mentioned casually a few times how her friend has to decide what games they play in the playground and gets cross with her or cries if she doesn't agree or if she plays with other kids. I encouraged DD to play with other children too and occasionally she would say they played in a group.

A few weeks ago DD asked me if I'd heard of "huggy wuggy and kissy missy" and explained they were scary characters. I dug a bit and she told me her friend plays these scary games at home and also watches "pennywise the scary clown" too and at school DD is forced to play whatever a playground recreation of these things is and she doesn't want to. Huggy wuggy is part of a horror game called "Poppy Playtime" and is 100% not suitable for any 6 year old. Obviously the same with pennywise.

I invited this child over to our house to play a few days ago (DD has been desperate for playdates) and I thought it would be a good opportunity to observe the friendship.

She remarked on all my daughters toys, I asked her what toys she had at home. She said she only had an ipad and barbies. I asked her what did she like to do on her ipad and she said she liked to play roblox and watch scary things like Poppy Playtime and watch Killer Clowns called pennywise. This led to me gently asking leading questions on this and basically she is allowed free range of the ipad and to watch things I would personally deem inappropriate.

The day initially started well but soon became apparent this child had to make every decision on what they were doing and how they did it and DD was not allowed input. I initially encouraged my daughter to let her friend have dibs on certain things as the guest (this child didn't bring a swimming costume, and wanted the one my daughter was wearing instead of the spare costume I offered her. Neither would agree but eventually my daughter relented). This continued on, the child demanding x y z and my daughter trying to negotiate and compromise but this child not willing to meet halfway.

It came to a head later on in the day with my daughter refusing to give up something (they were roleplaying) and my daughter saying "hang on, gave you that, I gave you this when we did x, I gave you y when we did that... why can't I have anything?" I was watching them from the stairwell and began trying to mediate which was pointless. The girl squeezed my daughters wrists really hard refusing refusing let her move and said "if you don't let me have it I'm not going to be your friend and I'll never be your friend again at school". It led to both girls crying and me trying to mediate again and comfort the other child as well my own.

The girl threatened the not being friends thing at school a lot. Not sure how we got there but she started reiterating what my daughter had said about her not letting her play with other kids and saying she only ever wanted to play with my DD and my DD isn't allowed to play with others at school. I said it's nice to play with lots of different people or in a big group and she said again, if DD plays with others when they go back to school she would not be friends with her.

For the last hour of the playdate they got on ok but I am wondering how to approach this. I am concerned about how controlling this child is and I don't want DD to not be able to have other friends at school.

I questioned my daughter gently but in depth and she says this girl will just cry and scream at school if she tries to play with other kids or doesn't play her games by her rules. I explained about give and take and how it's not a true friendship if you being forced to do things all the time.

AIBU to bring this up with the school? Has anyone been in a similar situation and was the school able to do anything? It's obviously the summer holidays but I don't think an email is enough.

Also, if the school did agree to meet with me AIBU mentioning the inappropriate media she is accessing? Or is it just my opinion its inappropriate?

My 6 year old knows about huggy wuggy and I can guarantee that not from watching violent videos at home. I had similarly scary stories going round when I was that age (don't remember about what, but remember being terrified), and most of us did not even have TVs, never mind youtube. That's just what the kids do, experimenting with the fight or flight response in a safe environment, and learning to control it. Don't overreact.

It is utterly ridiculous to email the school that you have a safeguarding concern in the summer when the school is closed. If you have a safeguarding concern you phone social services.

I had almost the exact issue with my daughter and two of her friends at school. I have time and time again encouraged her to play with other friends because reports I get back are if my daughter tries to play with anyone else she gets screamed at and they tell others to purposely not to play with my DD. And they run away from her and refuse to include her so she plays alone most days. It’s horrible and so upsetting to hear .

I have complained twice to the school and second time was in person but they mainly brushed it of. My DD got so frustrated and angry one day at this happening she pinched another child. The school then took the bullying as I feel it is , more seriously. That was dealt with and we had a chat and she’s learnt how to express her anger and frustration verbally now to her teachers and me. One of the said children in particular came round once and I could hear the falling out and bickering and extreme bossiness of this other child I had to end the play date.

Another good chat with DD and we are now branching out to other children to bond with. I am hoping the friendship with this one child fizzles out or atleast becomes less dependent as my DD is seeing a true side to this child now. They worship these friends and it’s so sad when it isn’t always reciprocated the same way. However I know my DD is not perfect and most likely can give as good as she gets so it’s not always one side.

Defo speak to the school . You do not want it effecting your child long term and getting bad habits from this other child.

❤️ Is this book available on Amazon ? I could do with this. My daughter is at an age where she is noticing different types of friends and expressing her feelings

This. We talk about guest rules at that age. Everything in their bedroom is theirs and if they choose to play with something it comes in the lounge.
we play together and alternate - jump in and say no Elsie as the guest you have had first go and now it’s Beth’s turn. We play fair here.

any nasty comments nip in the bud - if she says she hates you Daughter or whatever ask her ‘Elsie can you repeat what you just said’ - if she says it again say ‘Elsie that sounds really mean can you explain why you are saying that?’ If she can’t - or isn’t remorseful take her home.

she hurt your DD protect her ‘Elsie have you just hurt Beth’s wrist ?’ Are you ok Beth - let’s get you an ice pack. Elsie why did you just grab Beth’s wrist?’ We don’t hurt people or animals - house rule. Etc

your house your rules

And don’t invite bloody Elsie back and teach Beth her own boundaries. Elsie says she doesn’t want to be Beth’s friends. Beth goes ok and goes to other group. Model boundaries explain bullying and what to do etc explain why this girls to do but it doesn’t mean you put up with it