Partner threw a step stool

[crackedearth]

Just looking for some responses here as I have experienced domestic violence before so I am particularly attuned to red flags and wondering if I'm prone to overreacting.

My parter had both kids all days, which he finds difficult (it is).

By the end of the day I was doing bath time and he was tidying downstairs. He eventually came up to help and by that time I was a little cross about a few things, which I explained to him and then said I was taking a 10 min time out to calm down. He asked me not to and I said I needed to and walked off and shut the door. Seconds later the kick stool hit the bedroom door that I'd shut. I opened the door and asked him if he'd really just thrown the stool at me and he looked at me like I was being ridiculous and said absolutely not. He was just throwing it out of our tiny bathroom as it was in the way.

I believe that he didn't throw it at me but I was shocked so stayed in bedroom while he continued bedtime and he seemed to go into ultra great capable Dad mode, whistling cheerfully in the face of screaming children.

I came out to put one kid to bed and he immediately repeated that he didn't throw it at me. We agreed to speak later.

Queue 2 hours later due to difficult bedtime, we finally chatted. He said he threw the stool in anger but not at me. I told him that wasn't acceptable because it is a first step on the way to a more violent act. He got really angry at this point, saying it was one mistake and why should he be painted as an abuser and why can't I support him etc. Essentially turning himself into a victim because I haven't supported him. He has form for this kind of response

He also pointed out that I have thrown stuff in rage and he has always responded with kindness - to me, this isn't the same thing.

So...

YABU - everyone has moments and you are seeing this through the lens of past trauma

YANBU - he is male and the most physically strong in the household and more likely to escalate

Yanbu but maybe you should also avoid chucking stuff about when you’re angry

Bit of a red flag

YABU if he has never been violent and he threw it at the closed door.

That aside, if I was with the kids all day and my husband came home and took a 10 minute break because the kids were annoying him and left me to it, I would be fuming at him.

Either throwing things in anger is ok or it isn't. If it isn't ok for him to chuck stuff, it isn't ok for you to.

Re throwing it "at you". The door was shut. The very most he did was kick it at a closed door. Not 'at you'.

Imo no adult should be throwing items and tantrums at all, not arguing about whether the thing was aimed at someone or not.

It’s worrying but the biggest issue seems to be he was with the kids all day and then you excused yourself from them no wonder he was angry, plus you have said you have form for throwing things. He had the kids was also then cleaning while you soaked in the bath

if anything I would be worried for your husband

also you said you were annoyed about a few things? What were these few things.

im guessing it didn’t go down well because he had the kids and was cleaning and you were nitpicking about something not done or done your way?

Just to clarify that I 100% agree it is not acceptable for me to throw something either and that it is a red flag. It is something I have worked on and taking a 10 min time out is part of me learning to regulate my emotions when I'm triggered. Not defending, just explaining.

He didn't throw it "at" you, he threw it at the door. He shouldn't have done it but why are you saying he threw it at you when he clearly didn't? And why is it not "the same thing" when you yourself throw things in a rage?

He definitely shouldn't of thrown anything in anger. If you knew your husband had been stressed most of the day with the kids and you had only been helping out for a little while why couldn't the things that made you angry wait to be spoken about when the kids were in bed? Why didn't your husband get a 10 minute time out?

I think things were done and said in anger from both ends.

I couldn't live with someone who thought throwing a step stool anywhere was acceptable. That's far too much anger & temper for me.

what's going on with your kids that they're such a handful for one person and it takes two of you two hours to get them to bed?

Is this a reverse? You regularly throw things in anger but your DH does it once and it's domestic violence on the basis he's male? Your DH has dealt with kids all day (and in this weather) and you need to check out for 10 mins after dealing with them for a short time, then you're criticising him for cheerfully putting them to bed? OP this doesn't pass my you in a great light tbh.

I agree. He shouldn't have thrown the stool but I think you are seeing it as worse than it was.

Both of you need to stop throwing things in anger - it's not healthy for either of you and it's even worse for your kids to see.

He said he threw the stool in anger but not at me. I told him that wasn't acceptable because it is a first step on the way to a more violent act. He got really angry at this point, saying it was one mistake and why should he be painted as an abuser and why can't I support him etc. Essentially turning himself into a victim because I haven't supported him. He has form for this kind of response

All true and all worrying. Red flag then DARVO. However,

He also pointed out that I have thrown stuff in rage and he has always responded with kindness - to me, this isn't the same thing.

Either throwing things is acceptable in your relationship or it's not. You're 'working on it' but you have children and a DH. You need to have worked on it. Do you still do this? Have you really apologised for the times you have and acknowledged the harm it causes? Have you actually done the thing you want him to do?

I think you both need to take stock and work out what your joint red lines are, maybe with a skilled counsellor, and stick to them.

And no, no one can ever throw anything in anger again.

So, you can throw things in anger and it’s something you need to work on.

He throws something in anger and it’s a red flag.

I wonder what the reason is for the difference in standards here.

IMO:
You shouldn't have brought up the things you were cross about during bath time in front of your children.

He shouldn't have thrown the stool (but he did so at the closed door, not at you)

You both need to work on how and when to have grown up conversations that don't descend into throwing things

You are such a hypocrite. So you have form for throwing things in rage multiple times but he does it once and you think it's a red flag? You know he didn't throw it at you since the door was closed so why accuse him of that? It's almost like you were trying to start a fight.

In his shoes, I would be really pissed off. He's had the kids all day but you couldn't even manage bathtime without storming off, leaving him to sort out bath and bed.

You're the red flag here, not him.

Re read op you were bathing the kids not in it but point still stands

I'm calling reverse

The bit that jumped out at me was you saying he came upstairs to help and you had a few things to tell him you weren't happy with.

What the kids, things you think he should have done, things you wanted him to do, work stuff?

Did he have anything to do and need a time out?

Was he offered it?

I've thrown stuff when annoyed before. I've never hit anyone in my 40 years.

Yes, I can be a red flag.

But you agree you need it too and you get so angry you need time outs after spending little time with your children.

Perhaps he needs to consider getting you to leave based on your own standards?

Why is it 'not the same thing' when you throw things in anger?

YABU

YANBU - he is male and the most physically strong in the household and more likely to escalate

Are you seriously suggesting it's ok for you to throw things about like a toddler because you're a woman and he could "take you" in a fight?

Don't nitpick while he's had the kids all day and then disappear for a break as soon as he comes back upstairs having finished tidying. I'm the one with the kid all day 2 days a week and I'd be upset.

This guy had been at home with how many children all day? And what age were they?

he came upstairs and you had a go at him, told him you were going for a break - he asked you not to - I guess that was because the guy had been managing the kids all day and wanted a break

saying you needed the break to regulate your own emotions indicates that you both have form

Your poor children live in a house where basically 1) both parents throw things whilst they are around and 2) both parents get annoyed looking after them - one so “triggered” from looking after them that they need to excuse themselves for 10 mins.

christ.

So you decided to "tell him a few things" you were t happy with whilst doing the bedtime routine, in front of the children?

You've thrown things before?

You decided that whilst he had the children all day, it was appropriate to walk away to have some "time out".

You ask after all that AIB?

I also call reverse!

Thanks for responses so far. All useful.

I don't want to drip feed, but to clarify and answer a few questions...

Partner has kids 1 day a week and hugely struggles. I work from home so dip in and out to help throughout the day. Yesterday I knocked off early to help from around 4, so we were tag teaming from then. So in reality he has never had them solo for a full day as I'm always there.

I was cross at bathtime because it was going south quickly. Both kids very little still and prone to meltdowns. I was calling him for help for 5 mins and he could hear but didn't come. This resulted in one of the kids trying to climb out the bath and then falling out when I had my back turned for 1 second.

Second thing that made me cross was trivial and not worth explaining.

Anyway, by the time he joined I was frazzled and needed to step away.

And no I don't think it is acceptable for me to throw things. However, my partner throwing something triggered a huge fear response in me due to my past and I want to examine his behaviour independent to mine, including using my unacceptable behaviour as a way to justify that it was not an abusive act hence my AIBU.

Simply, YABU.

Its not OK to externalise everything and write yourself out of the equation.