Partner threw a step stool

[crackedearth]

Just looking for some responses here as I have experienced domestic violence before so I am particularly attuned to red flags and wondering if I'm prone to overreacting.

My parter had both kids all days, which he finds difficult (it is).

By the end of the day I was doing bath time and he was tidying downstairs. He eventually came up to help and by that time I was a little cross about a few things, which I explained to him and then said I was taking a 10 min time out to calm down. He asked me not to and I said I needed to and walked off and shut the door. Seconds later the kick stool hit the bedroom door that I'd shut. I opened the door and asked him if he'd really just thrown the stool at me and he looked at me like I was being ridiculous and said absolutely not. He was just throwing it out of our tiny bathroom as it was in the way.

I believe that he didn't throw it at me but I was shocked so stayed in bedroom while he continued bedtime and he seemed to go into ultra great capable Dad mode, whistling cheerfully in the face of screaming children.

I came out to put one kid to bed and he immediately repeated that he didn't throw it at me. We agreed to speak later.

Queue 2 hours later due to difficult bedtime, we finally chatted. He said he threw the stool in anger but not at me. I told him that wasn't acceptable because it is a first step on the way to a more violent act. He got really angry at this point, saying it was one mistake and why should he be painted as an abuser and why can't I support him etc. Essentially turning himself into a victim because I haven't supported him. He has form for this kind of response

He also pointed out that I have thrown stuff in rage and he has always responded with kindness - to me, this isn't the same thing.

So...

YABU - everyone has moments and you are seeing this through the lens of past trauma

YANBU - he is male and the most physically strong in the household and more likely to escalate

Throwing things once out of character doesn't make him an abuser, you weren't hurt, nothing broken. It's not good, but I'm sure he knows that, so move on. I think trying to insist that it is abuse is manipulative if you've done similar, or if your implying it was thrown at you.

Why can’t you bath two little children on your own?

Sorry but needing to step away from bathtime with 2 small children because of them being a bit silly is a bit pathetic

If a man was having a go at you for throwing something and said he wanted to treat it as separate from his own temper tantrums because it's "different" when he does it, that would be gaslighting.

So you couldn't manage two children in the bath without a potential accident, so you left your DH to do it? Because you needed time out?

Why different rules?

I am afraid it is you that comes across the worst in this whole thing. He clearly did not throw anything at you as the door was closed. He throws things, you throw things, as bad as each other and you have no room to complain about him when you do it yourself. Perhaps he has a fear of things being thrown at him too. I also think you insisting you needed ten minutes to yourself would have been infuriating in the context of busy household time.

Have you explained to your DH that throwing the stool at the door triggered you, making you fearful due to your history?

He shouldn't have thrown the stool. You shouldnt throw things too.

If the children being upset effects you both, make a plan for next time. What can you both do differently? Can the kids be bathed separately? Can you all skip bath time and all do an evening walk instead? Can bath-time be done together and quicker? what can be done differently next time?

Thank you. This is the most useful response so far.

That wouldn’t be gas lighting p, gaslighting would be trying to convince the other person it didn’t happen, or that they were being over sensitive to it, and being melodramatic, making it a them issue

I think you are unreasonable here. He looked after the children all day, and you had to have time out? Was that really necessary? What were you mad about to need time out?

I know this is often trotted out on here but this comment is coming from an informed and well intentioned place. Have you ever had therapy or mental health support? It sounds like you might find it helpful to have some support around trauma and emotional regulation. The only drawback of this is that a therapist will only hear your version of events so you would need to be very honest and willing to be self reflective.

I disagree. I think the false narrative here being peddled would be that it's more acceptable for one partner to do something bad vs the other.

Agree. If you had never thrown anything in frustration yourself I would think differently.

Oh so it is a reverse?

Your DH regularly throws things and you respond with kindness. Yesterday you'd had the kids all day. The kids were being annoying. He took 10 minutes out and you threw a stool at a closed door.

Now he's calling you an abuser?

Just trying to get the story straight.

You both sound like you could do with some anger management therapy.

That wouldn’t be gas lighting p, gaslighting would be trying to convince the other person it didn’t happen, or that they were being over sensitive to it, and being melodramatic, making it a them issue

Isn't that what PP just said? Gaslighting is essentially lying, manipulating, false narratives. Like saying x is different after doing the same so they're the sole aggressor.

By the way, good on you @crackedearth for taking people's comments on board.

I would absolutely love this but between managing two little kids and the cost of living it's not a realistic option right now. Something for the bear future I hope.

Not a reverse. Even trying to understand this telling makes me confused! All is as I said.

@crackedearth

'He also pointed out that I have thrown stuff in rage and he has always responded with kindness - to me, this isn't the same thing.'
*

Why?

I think your house sounds chaotic and miserable. Both of you sound like you’re handing the kids over rather than tackling the behaviour. Have you both considered parenting classes? You’re kids don’t deserve this environment?
Ive had parenting classes (found them online) and it has helped dealing with my kids behaviour and the everyone is calmer and happier.

You have all the excuses don't you?

Consider your behaviour towards him, without attaching a reason for it. If there's any DARVO occurring it reads like likes coming frim you.

If you live in the UK the waiting lists are huge but you can get it free in the NHS and there are lots of charities which offer therapy. Although the type I think will be helpful based on this brief thread is DBT and that’s pretty hard to find.

The best explanation I have as to the difference is that his action left me formulating a plan as to how I'm going to escape with the kids in the face of an escalation. Or even wondering if that was enough for me to leave.

When I've thrown something, this wouldn't even cross his mind.

As explained, past trauma and knowledge of systemic male domestic violence has left me on high alert. Hence the need for perspective.

the example you give is not gaslighting

1. Throwing things absolutely is abusive. It's violent and completely unacceptable.
2. This applies to both of you.
3. You urgently need help to unpick all of this. Find some counselling or support asap.

Yes there is an element of constantly handing the kids over and it feels relentless. We do try to tackle the behaviour too though. I've not heard of parenting classes so I'll look into them. Thanks.