Partner threw a step stool

[crackedearth]

Just looking for some responses here as I have experienced domestic violence before so I am particularly attuned to red flags and wondering if I'm prone to overreacting.

My parter had both kids all days, which he finds difficult (it is).

By the end of the day I was doing bath time and he was tidying downstairs. He eventually came up to help and by that time I was a little cross about a few things, which I explained to him and then said I was taking a 10 min time out to calm down. He asked me not to and I said I needed to and walked off and shut the door. Seconds later the kick stool hit the bedroom door that I'd shut. I opened the door and asked him if he'd really just thrown the stool at me and he looked at me like I was being ridiculous and said absolutely not. He was just throwing it out of our tiny bathroom as it was in the way.

I believe that he didn't throw it at me but I was shocked so stayed in bedroom while he continued bedtime and he seemed to go into ultra great capable Dad mode, whistling cheerfully in the face of screaming children.

I came out to put one kid to bed and he immediately repeated that he didn't throw it at me. We agreed to speak later.

Queue 2 hours later due to difficult bedtime, we finally chatted. He said he threw the stool in anger but not at me. I told him that wasn't acceptable because it is a first step on the way to a more violent act. He got really angry at this point, saying it was one mistake and why should he be painted as an abuser and why can't I support him etc. Essentially turning himself into a victim because I haven't supported him. He has form for this kind of response

He also pointed out that I have thrown stuff in rage and he has always responded with kindness - to me, this isn't the same thing.

So...

YABU - everyone has moments and you are seeing this through the lens of past trauma

YANBU - he is male and the most physically strong in the household and more likely to escalate

I think you both need to re-evaluate how you do things. Perhaps bath-time should be one child at a time with the other partner doing some tidying with the other (it is never too early to learn)

It is worrying that you throw things but immediately get the hump when he does. Nobody should throw things and i would, in his shoes, expect an apology from you in that respect. No throwing should apply to everyone in the house.

If he can't handle the one day of childcare, you both need to look at your arrangement and work out how you can have a set-up that works for both of you. It's not easy to look after 2 young children, and there are times you need to step away -but you both need to have clear roles and expectations. There are times when "can you come and help" just means you're a bit overwhelmed, and other times when it means "COME NOW, ACCIDENT!" and you probably need to arrange a sliding scale of help requests? so they know.

And if someone does turn up to help, immediately launching into a whinge is not helpful.

Agree with pp that couples therapy might be the best way to go here.

I think you’re being very selective in how you think about this.

Why can’t you bath your children alone and why did he have ti do all of bedtime having had the kids all day?

You said:
"And no I don't think it is acceptable for me to throw things. However, my partner throwing something triggered a huge fear response in me due to my past"

Then went on to explain (excuse) why you can throw things. Yet why doesn't your violent behaviour make you fear you are that person in your past? Your children asorbe your violent behaviour. If you take away the justification that they were male and you aren't. To your children that doesn't matter - you are bigger and stronger than them.

From what you've written this is the first time he's ever thrown something in anger. Yet you have done it more than once.

Shall I say it's "manipulation" instead? Any time in a relationship where one justifies bad behaviour because they are a man or woman (or because they are the one who works outside the home, earns most of the money, have the kids all day) is trying to make the other person doubt themselves over whether it's actually wrong.

Have you gotten help over your past abuse OP?

All of this happened in front of your children?

I’d suggest not!

Your past doesnt mean you can hold others to higher standards than yourself though OP. You have no idea what he feels when you throw things and excusing it as not being abusive simply because he is bigger and stronger than you.

But you also seem to have double standards about him being with the children - how much he cant cope and needs your help yet you get angry because 5 minutes into you having 2 you cant cope.

YOu get angry and when he wants to leave - say you need 10 minutes (to make sure you dont throw something) and again he asks and your view takes precedent.

Then he loses it - and throws something and you think it isnt the same because he is bigger than you.

To your children it is the same both parents are now throwing things. Both are bigger than them

You need some help

Just giving this some further thought, I don't want to separate the incidents to justify my behaviour but because I don't want my partner to use it as an excuse to justify his.

I.e. when I have thrown something in the past, such as a book to the floor, I am fully accountable for that action. Nothing he did prior to that moment is a cause. When my partner threw the stool, he should be fully accountable for his action too, and for consequences. Anything I have done, past or present, shouldn't be a reason to justify the action or the DARVO that followed.

Hope that makes sense.

Again, all comments useful.

"Just giving this some further thought, I don't want to separate the incidents to justify my behaviour but because I don't want my partner to use it as an excuse to justify his."

But it does in a way justify his because you've set a precedent in the relationship for throwing things when you're frustrated.

If its not counted as abusive when you do it you can't count it as abusive when he does it. Either that or you admit you were the abuser before the incident today, past trauma does not give you a free pass in being abusive in your present relationship.

I couldn't agree more. Throwing something is always abusive and having been someone to throw something makes me an abuser. But I am accountable for my actions and he is accountable for his.

As one pp stated, they would have answered differently if I hadn't mentioned I'd in the past thrown something. That strikes me as wrong...but then again, that's why I'm here to get advice because I suspect I'm confused and wrong!

Your middle paragraph is exactly the justification often used on here for any type of violence or abuse against men.

Throwing something in anger is not abusive. It shows lack of anger control, and of course in some situations it absolutely will be abusive, but on its own it's not.

Let's not start making every negative action a form of abuse.

yabvfu

Throwing something in a rage isnt great but its also not the worse as long as not directed to anything (for example to the door) I've thrown my phone, a pillow, clothes etc when I've had a meltdown about something again not at someone else but at the floor/ door etc

I think your both Finding it difficult and thats fair enough but i feel you need to be more understanding of your partner, you needed to chill for 10 minutes but maybe he did too when he didnt come up when you asked, I think you both need to give eachother a break.

Kids are difficult but if he had them all day then I wouldn't be expecting him to help with bath time and would be giving him atleast a 2 hour break after the day,.

I said that because in my relationship, we don't throw things in anger. It's not acceptable. In YOUR home YOU have thrown things in the past when frustrated and have expected forgiveness and understanding.

When my partner threw the stool, he should be fully accountable for his action too, and for consequences.

Yes, I'd agree generally. But in this case, he threw something at a closed door, and you accused him of throwing it at you, and then said it was a "first step on the way to a more violent act." His defensiveness at that point is understandable I think - especially as you throwing things hasn't been a first step on the way to a more violent act from you (I assume).

also yes your accountable for your own actions but you cant get angry that he does something you do too!!!!!!

Thats like being angry at him for cheating on you whilst your also going and cheating, It doesnt make sense.. you can say " we need to stop doing that, we need to try get more control of our emotions" Etc but acting like his is going to escalate to abuse is stupid

also now it sounds like, he had kids all day, Cleaned up and then had to do bathtime aswell!!! All because you needed a break but when was his break?
Guessing you made him help with bedtime too.

Him throwing something in anger is wrong OP and shouldn't happen. But you cannot distinguish or minimise you throwing as something different particularly with your children

This isnt a good environment though for your children - neither response is good nor is the underlying they are difficult

Exactly. He's not saying you are both abusive for throwing things, he is saying neither of you are.

Accountability is not admitting he might escalate!

Sounds like an awful life- screaming kids and an aggressive weirdo boyfriend. Does this boyfriend enhance your life?

Your relationship is in crisis at the moment. Neither of you handle things well in the heat of the moment and you're really struggling to cope with the children. Frustrations are building and tempers are fraught. You're both modelling the wrong way to deal with emotions,to your children and each other.

You two need to make a change now, before things escalate(not necessarily in a violent way).

Look at online parenting classes for both of you, can you afford some support, or do you have family/friends that could help out, try and spend some time together as a couple where you can reconnect and talk, could he do more around the house/with the kids, can you do more work on yourself to deal with your past trauma and your anger responses? You both sound frustrated,angry and worn out.At the moment you're stuck in a toxic cycle (from both sides) that is slowly killing you individually,as a couple and as parents.

I think that fundamentally the problem with your thinking on this is that your position is that basically women can’t be the instigators of domestic violence. Which is wrong.

men can very much suffer from domestic violence by women. As can children (including by watching it)

it is correct that it is very unlikely that men will feel physically threatened. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have an impact.

also being the victim of domestic violence in the past does not make you any less accountable now. My sister and I weee terrible victims of domestic violence in childhood. Which she still very much suffers from - and yet because she can’t regulate her emotions she in turn is abusive to her husband and children.

you very much need to prioritize getting support to work through your trauma

I think you need to apologise to your partner.

You failed to manage one part of the routine then had a go at him because he didn't rescue you.

He threw an item at a door in frustration (not okay but human)

You then proceeded to use this as an excuse to stop helping

You then called him abusive for behaviour you demonstrated previously.

An apology and some growing up needed!