Partner threw a step stool

[crackedearth]

Just looking for some responses here as I have experienced domestic violence before so I am particularly attuned to red flags and wondering if I'm prone to overreacting.

My parter had both kids all days, which he finds difficult (it is).

By the end of the day I was doing bath time and he was tidying downstairs. He eventually came up to help and by that time I was a little cross about a few things, which I explained to him and then said I was taking a 10 min time out to calm down. He asked me not to and I said I needed to and walked off and shut the door. Seconds later the kick stool hit the bedroom door that I'd shut. I opened the door and asked him if he'd really just thrown the stool at me and he looked at me like I was being ridiculous and said absolutely not. He was just throwing it out of our tiny bathroom as it was in the way.

I believe that he didn't throw it at me but I was shocked so stayed in bedroom while he continued bedtime and he seemed to go into ultra great capable Dad mode, whistling cheerfully in the face of screaming children.

I came out to put one kid to bed and he immediately repeated that he didn't throw it at me. We agreed to speak later.

Queue 2 hours later due to difficult bedtime, we finally chatted. He said he threw the stool in anger but not at me. I told him that wasn't acceptable because it is a first step on the way to a more violent act. He got really angry at this point, saying it was one mistake and why should he be painted as an abuser and why can't I support him etc. Essentially turning himself into a victim because I haven't supported him. He has form for this kind of response

He also pointed out that I have thrown stuff in rage and he has always responded with kindness - to me, this isn't the same thing.

So...

YABU - everyone has moments and you are seeing this through the lens of past trauma

YANBU - he is male and the most physically strong in the household and more likely to escalate

So you're attuned to red flags and are concerned because your partner threw a stool, but then go on to say you throw things but are working I guess on it. Pot kettle and black springs to mind so yabu unless there is a bigger backstory re your partner's behaviour. Either way neither of you should be throwing anything, poor behaviour for your kids to watch and learn.

also, if your husband had the kids all day, him slowing you to start bathtime and follow you up later wasn't unreasonable. He likely needed a short break. Yabu for being cross about that too.

You throwing stuff in the past, doesn't really have bearing on his throwing a stool. One doesn't excuse or explain the other. Personally I think throwing something in anger once in a blue moon doesn't mean a man is abusive. My partner used to go into the basement and throw stuff around when we argued. My friend lobbed a bar of soap across the room once during an argument. Neither are remotely abusive.

If he doesn't have any form for dodgy behaviours I would not worry too much but would make it clear that it isnt ok, for either of you. And good for you for taking a time out when you recognised you were getting too angry-- not sure why you are being criticised for that.

So just to be clear - you are allowed space and time to learn to regulate your emotions but your partner is not afforded the same?

I think this all sounds like a mess, but you are being unreasonable expecting him to behaviour in a way you do not yourself.

Thanks all for the comments and persepctive.

I'm going to step away now because I've returned from the brink of feeling so worried that I may have to formulate an escape plan.

I also really appreciate those trying to help me to understand my part in throwing things is as wrong. You're right, I totally understand that. It's always wrong. I was just worried it was being used as a justification and it made my head spin during the DARVO.

To those that don't understand why it sometimes necessary to step away from children, you either don't have children or yours must be cut from a different cloth altogether. Both of mine seem to implode every 15 minutes.

Regarding my partner needing a break after a long day, we both need a break and never get one. Ever. That is just what our schedule is like at the moment. I also carry way more of the domestic and mental load by far.

To the poster who implied I was somehow the aggressor in my past relationships where I experienced domestic violence, please educate yourself on this subject. One of those men nearly killed me and I survived by fleeing. To blame the victim is shocking and dangerous.

DARVO is massively overused on here. It’s like gaslighting.

It sounds like a rough environment, OP, but i think you really need to read at least your own posts here.

You already know that him having the kids all day (your words, later qualified in other posts) makes him stressed. And you seem to have little understanding that you also get so stressed by that bathtime that you needed time out. But he was already coming down from his stress and you want him immediately back in it.

Neither of you is wrong there, which is why several posters have suggested looking at the routines, as well as both of your reactions to stress. Him having the kids all day stresses him. Your children acting up at bathtime stresses you. And yet you keep doing them (i get it's not easy) - you really probably need outside help and advice on the whole situation.

So sounds like you got angry with him for something that wasn't really his fault (you not managing bathtime, while he was tidying and something trivial you won't say what is), had a go at him and then stormed off slamming(?) the door. He then threw the footstool at the door (not you). Something you admit you do too in arguments. Throw stuff in anger I mean.

To me it sounds like you are both as bad as each other. And given that this is your relationship dynamic I think it sounds like you are the one paiting yourself the victim by claiming he threw the stool at you, rather than at the closed door. All obviously not ok, but sounds like it's just a small part of a bigger issue.

I recommend you both attend an anger management course followed by a parenting class if you can't do bath time alone because you've been tag teaming looking after your own children for two hours.

You need to stop blaming each other and work together. You both need to step back and find how you're going to make this family life work and ideally be happy.

This may need outside support, counselling, parenting classes etc.

Just getting by day to day will only work so long, getting at each other and snipping because you don't want to look after your own children wont make for a happy home.

While you're formulating an escape plan, maybe a plan for bathing your children without letting them get injured because you're shouting at someone for a break would be good. Because once you escape you won't have anyone else to blame for your negligence. Could have been knocked unconscious.

To those that don't understand why it sometimes necessary to step away from children, you either don't have children or yours must be cut from a different cloth altogether. Both of mine seem to implode every 15 minutes.

I'm a single mum, we don't get to have a 'time out' while our kids are in the bath. We put them somewhere safe before we turn our backs or have a break.

It sounds like a shit environment for the children, frankly.

Both of mine seem to implode every 15 minutes.

Maybe they are picking up on the stress in the house.

You seem fairly self-involved OP.