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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad that husband didn’t see if I’m ok after car crash?

124 replies

Nikses · 12/08/2022 01:08

I’ve had a car accident this evening, my first one and I’m a new driver someone drove into the back of my car at quite high speed caused some damage and I’ve banged my head on impact. I was able to drive home. I called my husband from the side of the motorway to tell him
and said I’d be home ASAP when I got home he was asleep. When I got into bed he didn’t even ask if I was ok? Am I hurt? What happened? Nothing aibu to be hurt that he doesn’t care? I literally would have waited up until he got home to see he’s ok before I could go to sleep! Not drift off while he’s waiting on the hard shoulder?! Am I being dramatic or is that hurtful?

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 12/08/2022 10:23

This is odd behaviour. I had a crash a couple of years ago and my bf was straight there to help and support me.

To go to sleep not knowing if you are okay is strange.

katepilar · 12/08/2022 10:28

Hurtful and dangereous. Someone should be checking on you after an accident like this.

Fraaahnces · 12/08/2022 10:30

First thing I'd be saying is "Well, thanks for waiting up for me. I obviously felt your love and concern - not."

excellentday · 12/08/2022 10:33

That is really very hurtful. I could slightly understand if you were absolutely miles away and he couldn't get to you and you said you may be hours, but actually even then my dp would've stayed up, on the phone to me until help arrived to make sure I was safe.

The fact you were about 3 miles away and a new driver, and stood on your own waiting for breakdown on the side of the road when you called him, I'm gobsmacked!

3 miles away, any normal bloke would've got in his car immediately and driven to be with you. Not fell asleep!

I hope you are ok today OP, as often with an accident, even a minor one it can hit you a bit the next day. And I am so sorry you have a shitty DH.

Buythebag40 · 12/08/2022 10:33

girlmom21 · 12/08/2022 10:16

if I'd rang him and told him I was fine and driving home he'd have probably gone back to sleep too.

She didn't tell him that.

OP said:

I was able to drive home. I called my husband from the side of the motorway to tell him and said I’d be home ASAP

I take that to mean she told him she was ok and able to drive home. He probably thought that too.

Im not making excuses for the dh - it is a bit crap and I'd have been a bit miffed too - but I don't think it has to be as dramatic as is being made out by some unless it is the latest in a long line of uncaring behaviour on his part.

Cherchezlaspice · 12/08/2022 10:33

Have you spoken to him about this?

katepilar · 12/08/2022 10:37

I am shocked at how many people think that if OP thought at the time of the call that she is fine to drive herself home that she actually was going to be fine for the length of the journey. She could have easily paseed out or have other problems 10mins later.

girlmom21 · 12/08/2022 10:39

@Buythebag40 she said in her updates she had told him she was waiting for recovery and it was only after she'd spoken to him it was decided she'd drive home

I don't think the sleeping is the worst thing in the world either as he knew she was with traffic police or whatever and there's not much he could do.

Lots of posters are saying he should have gone to her but it's really dangerous to fuck around on the hard shoulder if you don't need to be there

theleafandnotthetree · 12/08/2022 10:48

Thepossibility · 12/08/2022 03:45

That is shocking. My DH would be out of his mind with worry.

I think to be out of your mind with worry is the other extreme. There is a middle ground between that and the indifference the poor OP experienced.

SunnyD44 · 12/08/2022 10:59

I say clipped my bumper, but maybe that’s down playing it which is why he fell asleep

Without knowing if he’s usually a dick I would assume that he thought it was something really minor, especially if you were fine to drive home.

It’s very scary having any sort of accident and I would want my partner to see if I’m ok but I can’t see anyone not worrying unless they genuinely thought there was nothing to worry about.

Hallmark1234 · 12/08/2022 11:03

I would be incredibly hurt too, not least because you were a woman alone on the side of the motorway, in the dark. If you were only 3 miles from home the least he could've done is got into his car to wait with you while you were waiting for the tow, or even just stayed on the phone with you!

mam0918 · 12/08/2022 11:20

When I was a new driver a car pulled out right infront of me, I swerved and went off the road and down an embankment, the car was undrivable and had to be winched out then trailered away, luckily just me in the car (the other driver took full responsability for not paying attention).

My DH would be like that unless I was clearly injured, he would stay with the kids at home (unless the kids where with me then I would expect him to be more concerned).

My dad did rush to me not sure if thats more out of concern for the car or me though lol.

No one died, you are a bit shook up for a few hours, your car gets fixed and then life goes on, if it was a major crash with injuries thats different but it wasn't.

QOD · 12/08/2022 11:23

hmmm i think yanbu BUT also dont think my dh would either have come out, or waited up

Plutoisaplanet · 12/08/2022 12:01

Hbh17 · 12/08/2022 09:57

All these people saying go to hospital.... er, no! I was rear-ended on a motorway a few years ago, pushed into vehicle in front of me & my car written off. Police & paramedics appeared (I didn't call them) & nobody thought I needed medical attention - neither did my doctor husband! I was stiff, sore & bruised for a few days but that was completely normal for the type of crash (inc airbags going off). I was back behind the wheel of a hire car within 48 hours, coz I had to go to work. Let's not infantilise healthy adults and assume every minor injury needs "checking out" - they don't and we all heal with a bit of time.

@Hbh17 are you missing the part where op states she hit her head?

Original poster
Nikses · 12/08/2022 12:14

Agree, if I get worse I will seek advice. I don’t think people are coming from a bad place it’s only showing care……which I’ve had more of from an anno Internet forum than my dear husband of 20 years 😳

OP posts:
Itloggedmeoutagain · 12/08/2022 12:16

Nikses · 12/08/2022 09:46

It’s being collected by the garage today, I will not be driving round in it. The boot won’t lock, rear indicator is….gone being crunched into the motorway surface as we speak.

Will you be making a complaint to the recovery firm who assured you it was fine to drive?

warofthemonstertrucks · 12/08/2022 12:22

Very hurtful op. I was quite close to the 7/7 bombings and was pregnant at the time so very shaken up.
My then husband didn't ask me how I was, brushed it off when I told him how I was feeling, and went out for the night with his brother. I found that so upsetting and it was a precursor for what later became a pattern in our marriage to some
Degree. He's my ex for a reason.
You just want to feel cared about in a situation where you have been shaken up or upset. It's a lonely place when that doesn't happen. I hope you are ok.

Janepaige · 12/08/2022 12:32

I do agree with you, I just feel hurt that he couldn’t even rouse himself from his peaceful slumber to even say “are you ok?” Makes me feel like I’m nothing if I’m honest x

mam0918 · 13/08/2022 16:03

Plutoisaplanet · 12/08/2022 12:01

@Hbh17 are you missing the part where op states she hit her head?

Show quote history

Of course she hit her head thats what happens in rear endings and the headrest is specifically designed to arbsorb that impact... its litrally completely normal and safe.

Unless OP wasn't wearing a seat belt and bullseyed the windscreen etc... in which case she would likely be dead, critical or seriously injured and would have been rushed to hospital.

The only other thing would be if a loose item hit her in the head (projectiles like cans etc...) then she should have been assesed by paramedics at the crash site too.

Original poster
Nikses · 14/08/2022 18:42

That’s literally all I was looking for, just a glimmer of concern would have done me. Didn’t want a song and dance but instead nothing just a snoring man in bed without a care in the world

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 14/08/2022 18:52

Have you talked to him about it, yet?

Moooooooooooooooooo · 14/08/2022 19:16

I had an accident a few years ago, a plank of wood came sailing through the air after being clipped by a van in front a few hundred yards away. it came down on top of my bonnet. I was quite shaken but unhurt. When I told my husband all he could say was “is the car alright”. He is no longer my husband.

Colleenp1369 · 16/08/2022 03:22

Ok here's the thing. You told him you were ok and that you could and would get home on your own. So he's going by what you've told him. If you wanted him to come be with you you should have told him that. He's not a mind reader. Men these days don't know if we want to be independent or rescued damsels in distress because they get so many conflicting attitudes so they're going to take what you say at face value. And I don't blame them at all for that. Going forward tell him what you want and need!

Original poster
Nikses · 16/08/2022 08:09

I do get your point…..but to be snoring your head off I think is unkind, inconsiderate and rude. It’s not really my job to tell him the basics he should know

OP posts:
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