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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad that husband didn’t see if I’m ok after car crash?

124 replies

Nikses · 12/08/2022 01:08

I’ve had a car accident this evening, my first one and I’m a new driver someone drove into the back of my car at quite high speed caused some damage and I’ve banged my head on impact. I was able to drive home. I called my husband from the side of the motorway to tell him
and said I’d be home ASAP when I got home he was asleep. When I got into bed he didn’t even ask if I was ok? Am I hurt? What happened? Nothing aibu to be hurt that he doesn’t care? I literally would have waited up until he got home to see he’s ok before I could go to sleep! Not drift off while he’s waiting on the hard shoulder?! Am I being dramatic or is that hurtful?

OP posts:
Tereo · 12/08/2022 07:56

Horrible experience I hope you're OK.
I'm terms of whether to be annoyed with husband or not, if I was rear ended, phoned home and said I was ok and was OK to drive home, my husband (being very practical) might well have fallen asleep while waiting.
Also as someone mentioned above my husband has this annoying tenancy to minimise and downplay things (issues with kids for example) but once he is truly concerned it's all systems go. Perhaps he just thought you were OK?
If your head is still sore I would definitely get it checked, take care

chilliesandspices · 12/08/2022 07:58

What did you both say in the phone conversation? I'm a nervous driver.My DH would immediately ask if I needed him to come and help. If I said no, it's fine, I'll drive home. I don't think he'd give it a second thought. It would be obvious it was a minor accident and all we needed to worry about was fixing up the car which could be organised the next day.

Original poster
Nikses · 12/08/2022 08:04

I hit the top of my head on the roof of the car, I think. I’m not a majorly nervous driver but I am a new driver only passed in may. Highway maintenance and recovery said the car was ok to drive home…..I’m not lying or not wearing a seatbelt it’s genuinely what happened. The other car clipped my drivers side rear bumper.

OP posts:
Nidan2Sandan · 12/08/2022 08:10

If I'd spoken to DH and I was alive and well, but going to be late home, I'd have told him to go to bed as he'll be working the next day. So in itself it wouldnt bother me him sleeping as I know we would discuss it the next day.

But given you're a new driver I do think your husband could have shown a bit more concern. Maybe the fact you were perfectly fine, drove home etc made him think it was just a bump and okay to speak the next day?

WrongWayApricot · 12/08/2022 08:12

Does DH sleep talk? If he was asleep when you phoned it might not have registered as real. I sleep talk, apparently very coherently. When I wake up I either have zero memory of what was said, or it gets muddled into a dream and I don't believe it was real until someone mentions it.

Quia · 12/08/2022 08:14

Thepossibility · 12/08/2022 03:45

That is shocking. My DH would be out of his mind with worry.

Despite the fact that you've phoned and told him you were fine to drive home?

Sally090807 · 12/08/2022 08:15

Driving in to the back of your car at quite high speed is not the same as clipping your bumper.

Youaremysunshine14 · 12/08/2022 08:17

You had a crash on a motorway and he went to sleep?! I would be really upset too, OP. Like other PP, my DP would've either came to get me or waited up. He'd have been so worried, especially if I was a new driver. Motorway crashes are bloody terrifying. I hope you are feeling okay now but, really, if I were you I would asking myself just what kind of an uncaring prat my DH is.

Maireas · 12/08/2022 08:17

If you hit your head on the roof of the car, because you were hit at speed, you need to get yourself checked out now.

PonyPatter44 · 12/08/2022 08:18

My DP would have turned out of bed and come to get me, and probably taken me to A&E.

My ex-H would have turned over and gone to sleep, and then moaned about the damage to the car. Twat.

Youaremysunshine14 · 12/08/2022 08:19

Sally090807 · 12/08/2022 08:15

Driving in to the back of your car at quite high speed is not the same as clipping your bumper.

Don't downplay the OP's experience. Someone clipping the back of your car at 70mph on a motorway at night would be bloody terrifying for an experienced driver, let alone a new one.

girlmom21 · 12/08/2022 08:23

Sally090807 · 12/08/2022 08:15

Driving in to the back of your car at quite high speed is not the same as clipping your bumper.

An accident on the motorway is terrifying.
Don't be a dick.

Sally090807 · 12/08/2022 08:26

Youaremysunshine14 · 12/08/2022 08:19

Don't downplay the OP's experience. Someone clipping the back of your car at 70mph on a motorway at night would be bloody terrifying for an experienced driver, let alone a new one.

Show quote history

I’m not downplaying it at all, I’m just saying that the poster originally said someone went in to the back of her at speed and now she’s saying they clipped her bumper. Yes, I agree that either are unpleasant experiences and she is very brave to be driving on the motorway at night when she only passed her test 2 months ago.
l have been driving years but I won’t drive on a motorway, they frighten the life out of me.

ShepherdMoons · 12/08/2022 08:27

He sounds like my ex-husband!! There's a reason he's an ex! Similar uncaring behaviour, sometimes it takes an accident for you to see the true colours of that person.

If my partner had been in an accident (no matter how big or small) I would move hell or high water to help them. You needed tlc at such a difficult time and some care. I hope you feel better soon.

Original poster
Nikses · 12/08/2022 08:29

The last conversation I had with him I was awaiting the recovery vehicle. The only reason I drove it was because highway maintenance were there removing cones etc and assured me they had seen and driven much worse and I was only maybe 3 miles from home.
my husband didn’t know I was going to drive home he went to sleep thinking I was on the hard shoulder…..alone at night waiting for the AA. I just wouldn’t have been able to drift off to sleep if it was the other way round.

OP posts:
Maireas · 12/08/2022 08:31

He's uncaring and inconsiderate.
I'm more worried than he is because you've hit your head and haven't got it checked out!
Has he spoken to you this morning?

Original poster
Nikses · 12/08/2022 08:37

I say clipped my bumper, but maybe that’s down playing it which is why he fell asleep 😳 it’s smashed in……the other car bore the brunt of the damage and was recovered the front passenger’s side wheel pointing outwards etc. it was quite bad and as far as husband knows I was awaiting recovery, he didn’t know I was driving home. And for everyone saying he needs his sleep……he was off work this week so definitely could have stayed up until 11.30!

OP posts:
Maireas · 12/08/2022 08:39

It's irrelevant how much sleep he needs.
He should have stayed up.

billy1966 · 12/08/2022 08:43

YANBU but more importantly you really need to get checked out.

What an awful shock.

Whitehorsegirl · 12/08/2022 08:50

You should get yourself checked if you hit your head and you should not have got back in the car and driven back on your own. You can have a delayed reaction if you have a concussion. Make sure everything is OK health wise as a matter of urgency.

As for your husband his behaviour is appalling.

Absolutely no excuse for him not to have wanted to either come to pick you up, suggest that you go to the hospital and he would meet you there or to stay up and wait for you.

I would not forgive this.

TabithaTittlemouse · 12/08/2022 08:51

I called my Dh one night at midnight (he had worked a 14 hour day and was asleep) to say I had been attacked. He waited up until 4 for me and then sat with me until I sent him to bed at 6.

Tiredness didn’t come into it. He wanted to make sure that I was okay.

Original poster
Nikses · 12/08/2022 08:51

Yeah he has just got up and asked about it and was concerned, he’s now seen the car and is texting me while he’s walking the dog asking if I’m ok, saying the normal things that I would have waited up to say like “at least your not seriously hurt” etc.

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 12/08/2022 08:52

I would be devastated op. It would be over for me absolutely.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/08/2022 08:55

Hmm, so he spoke to you, so knows you’re alive - in his world I assume he is then relaxed enough to fall asleep. No, my partner wouldn’t behave
like that, but he’s a stress head where I am concerned! I assume your DH is somewhat laid back…? I would be upset though, as I too would take his behaviour as being very uncaring. And btw, if you have hit your head I defo think you should get it checked out, just to be safe. Sorry this happened to you - I have experienced similar and the shock may take a while to kick in, so I hope you are resting up today.

frozenorangejuice · 12/08/2022 08:59

I’d be looking up a solicitor this morning. He had no idea you were driving home so in his mind you were on the hard shoulder alone at night, waiting on the AA?! He should have got in his car and come to you, unless he couldn’t find childcare (I’m sorry - couldn’t see on here if you have DC). If my DH had done this and been asleep when I arrived home I would similarly be upset. Please get yourself checked out at hospital today OP - let us know how you are. xxx