MIL upset at me seeing DH's SIL & kids

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Sad circumstances in the family. Early last year, after a two year battle with depression, DH's father passed away by suicide. They live in a different country and this occurred across covid, and MIL didn't share with her two sons the ins and outs of what was happening with their father so it was a massive shock to them.

Fast forward to this year - June. There's always been tension between MIL and DH's SIL. They've been snipey/grumpy with each other for years. They both critique the other a lot, and it's simmered in the background. With her DH gone, MIL struggled to be as patient with her and snapped at her. The situation involved my daughter (I wasn't there) but apparently SIL made snipey comments to DD (7) when DH & DD visited e.g. should be eating pasta properly with sauce/her dd's did. MIL told SIL to "stop making negative comments about DD". It wasn't well-received, SIL was crying, her DH was cross.

MIL and BIL have chatted since & they have both shared lots of things they are feeling about the other. MIL's sister is ill at the moment so she told BIL she needed space.

Now it's August and I'm visiting with DH and DD. I suggested to DH that I take DD to see her cousins for a coffee/park play date as they are close. I asked if it would be OK and to check with his DM. He said it would be fine (I later find out he didn't check with her directly). We agreed as DD is an only, her relationship with her cousins is really important and she might not see them again until next year. It's nice for the girls and I will be there if SIL says anything snipey (I've only personally experienced her be a bit snipey once when dd was having a mega tantrum.) There was no expectation for DH (who has taken his mother's side and out of loyalty won't come) or DM to come.

I mentioned last night to her that I would be popping by for a coffee with DD to see her cousins. MIL was extremely upset, won't speak to us (only my DH when I'm not there), she went off for a drive to cool off. She says I have betrayed her as she was sticking up for DD (the argument isn't really about that - they have bigger issues & she says she is not ready to listen to her son's feelings about them). She says that none of us know what she's going through, she opened up about more scarring things that happened in the lead up to FIL's death/things he said. My DH came out of the conversation with her fragile and snipey to me but later apologised. I'm getting the silent treatment from MIL.

TBH I've always felt things between MIL and SIL are tense. I'm unsure whether to cancel seeing SIL & cousins. I hate all this arguing, MIL has said she doesn't want any pressure to heal the relationship so are we expected to stop the girls seeing each other until then? I was thinking of maybe popping by for an hour then picking DM some flowers up on the way back.

Perspective greatly appreciated. It's created a tense atmosphere in the house.

I’m so sorry your family has all this to deal with. You haven’t done anything wrong but perhaps there’s a reason you didn’t ask MIL yourself and why DH obviously felt scared to ask her? Perhaps deep down you knew she would flip out?

I think flowers is a nice idea. I would level with her and say you hate feeling you have upset her, you understand her life has been incredibly hard and she is still dealing with a lot. And say you want DD nevertheless to have a relationship with her cousin as the next generation should have a chance to grow up with love and support of family, even when there is a lot happening between the adults around her. Or something like that.

Sounds like a hard situation but seriously I would not facilitate this behaviour, I would sit her down and tell her you love her but you are not involved in the feud and will have a separate relationship with SIL.

She will have a tantrum but life is too short to let someone like this rule your life. She is older and will die before SIL and her children so it makes sense to prioritise the relationship with them for your dds sake.

Negative emotional tyrants like your MIL attract tragedy and seek out drama, you will never do right by her

@HeartofTeFiti - There's a bit of a language barrier and I wanted to ensure the message got across well.

Good tip, I will do that x

Your husband needs to tell his mum the conversation you had and that he told you it would be fine. He is sitting back and letting you get it in the neck!

@HeartofTeFiti Has suggested a perfectly balanced response. I would go with this. Acknowledge the difficult feelings.

It sounds like she's hurt and can't deal with the level of emotion. I'd talk to her and say you appreciate her standing up for her granddaughter and the only reason you want to go is purely so dd has a relationship with her cousin. Neither of them should be penalised for something that they aren't involved in. Buy the flowers, but this isn't really her choice and you're not supporting anyone but dd.

@Sparklybanana - this is what I repeated last night. I think she is at her limit emotion wise and I'm not trying to add to that. She says she's worried me and SIL are going to chat, and I'm going to take SIL's point of view and she can't handle that. I've said we're not going to talk about it. I don't really have the intention to. SIL don't normally have 'big' conversations and keep it generally nice/superficial.

Yet another situation where the DH ducks put of of dealing with their own DM and her issues. He needs to talk to her like he should have done beforehand.

OP you are doing nothing wrong, in fact being really lovely, in trying to ensure the DC maintain a relationship despite the behaviour of some of the adults in the family.

Why should you dds suffer because of the adults? Everyone needs to put their egos to one side for the children's sake. MIL sounds incredibly controlling.

You don’t need permission to see your SIL! No wonder she fell out with MIL and looks like you’re now going the same way. Bereavement aside, MIL sounds awful!

Flowers? Slap with a wet fish imo.
Grown woman remember op. You aren't dealing with another dc here.
Silent treatment? Embrace the peace.
Silent treatment is legally classed as abuse now too.

Your DH needs to deal with this. He needs to tell MIL that he okayed this and that, SIL aside, both of you want your DD to have a relationship with her cousins. So regardless of how the adults choose to behave, you will be trying your best to promote opportunities to play together for the children.

@Creepymanonagoatfarm to be fair she did say good morning to me when I said it (after she ignored me). She's being mono-sybillic with dd as well. She's just really upset, think it's good we're popping out for a few hours to give her some space.

Have I understood this right? You and your DH both agreed it was important for your DD to maintain a relationship with her cousins. You asked your DH to check whether it would cause any problems if you took her to see her cousins and he told you he had checked, it would be fine and to go ahead. Having since discovered that it would not be fine, he first got snappy with you and is now the only one out of the two of you who your MiL is willing to talk to?

Somebody needs to buy some apology flowers here. I don’t think it’s you! Why isn’t he explaining to his mother that it was him who told you to take your DD? Why are you getting the blame for something that he told you was ok?

I mean, that really puts paid to the idea that she believes she’s acting in DD’s best interests. Sending flowers would be approximately the last thing on my mind in this scenario.

Don't stop the children from seeing each other, whatever you do. I imagine it must be awful for good friends to not see each other because of something that has nothing to do with them.

Break the chain op. Mil is used to getting her own way using this method..

@TheLionTheWitchAndTheChesterDraws - In hindsight I think he assumed it would be fine and told me to accept the invite as it would just be DD & I popping over to theirs. I presumed he had mentioned it so me breezily saying "we're popping over to SIL's tomorrow morning" was the first MIL heard of it. Then there was an emotional avalanche, crying/driving off in car, heavy conversations with DH. DH was adamant it was fine & that she'd messaged them herself to tell them we were here. I think she was upset that that message was ignored but at the same time she's said she wants space from BIL/SIL.

I’m sorry for your FIL’s death but this does not give your MIL the right to dictate who you see.

In your shoes, I wouldn’t engage with her dramatics. You have every right to take your daughter to see her auntie and cousins, don’t apologise for it.

This. Excellent advice.
Your’s and dd’s relationship’s with SIL and cousins isn’t up to MIL to police. Yes she’s grieving, she isn’t grieving alone though.
You’ve all lost a father, grandfather, father in law, you’re all grieving for the same person.

absolutely facilitate the cousins hanging out. My mil once asked dh and me to unfriend on Fb a family member who was divorcing. I told Dh I wasn’t ok with that and he told his mum we wouldn’t do that.

You don’t need your MILs permission to forgive your SIL for one snipey comment about how your daughter eats pasta and to resume your relationship with her and your nieces/nephews.
You have hit the nail on the head when you say it’s not really about the sauce with pasta comment. You don’t have to take sides in this feud.

I'd talk to her and say you appreciate her standing up for her granddaughter and the only reason you want to go is purely so dd has a relationship with her cousin.

That. The woman is a mess. Her DH took his own life and she's clearly nowhere near recovered from that. Yes, her behaviour is wrong, but responding as of she was a well person behaving vindictively would be inappropriate.

I think saying that you appreciated her having your DD's back would be a welcome acknowledgment. And that whatever is happening among the adults, the two girls are each other's family and need the relationship.

I asked if it would be OK and to check with his DM. He said it would be fine (I later find out he didn't check with her directly).

What??? Why check with DM at all? You are adults, not children, if you would like to see someone you do, no need to ask for permission. Bizarre.

What a drama. Just ignore the drama llama and go visit.