MIL upset at me seeing DH's SIL & kids

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Sad circumstances in the family. Early last year, after a two year battle with depression, DH's father passed away by suicide. They live in a different country and this occurred across covid, and MIL didn't share with her two sons the ins and outs of what was happening with their father so it was a massive shock to them.

Fast forward to this year - June. There's always been tension between MIL and DH's SIL. They've been snipey/grumpy with each other for years. They both critique the other a lot, and it's simmered in the background. With her DH gone, MIL struggled to be as patient with her and snapped at her. The situation involved my daughter (I wasn't there) but apparently SIL made snipey comments to DD (7) when DH & DD visited e.g. should be eating pasta properly with sauce/her dd's did. MIL told SIL to "stop making negative comments about DD". It wasn't well-received, SIL was crying, her DH was cross.

MIL and BIL have chatted since & they have both shared lots of things they are feeling about the other. MIL's sister is ill at the moment so she told BIL she needed space.

Now it's August and I'm visiting with DH and DD. I suggested to DH that I take DD to see her cousins for a coffee/park play date as they are close. I asked if it would be OK and to check with his DM. He said it would be fine (I later find out he didn't check with her directly). We agreed as DD is an only, her relationship with her cousins is really important and she might not see them again until next year. It's nice for the girls and I will be there if SIL says anything snipey (I've only personally experienced her be a bit snipey once when dd was having a mega tantrum.) There was no expectation for DH (who has taken his mother's side and out of loyalty won't come) or DM to come.

I mentioned last night to her that I would be popping by for a coffee with DD to see her cousins. MIL was extremely upset, won't speak to us (only my DH when I'm not there), she went off for a drive to cool off. She says I have betrayed her as she was sticking up for DD (the argument isn't really about that - they have bigger issues & she says she is not ready to listen to her son's feelings about them). She says that none of us know what she's going through, she opened up about more scarring things that happened in the lead up to FIL's death/things he said. My DH came out of the conversation with her fragile and snipey to me but later apologised. I'm getting the silent treatment from MIL.

TBH I've always felt things between MIL and SIL are tense. I'm unsure whether to cancel seeing SIL & cousins. I hate all this arguing, MIL has said she doesn't want any pressure to heal the relationship so are we expected to stop the girls seeing each other until then? I was thinking of maybe popping by for an hour then picking DM some flowers up on the way back.

Perspective greatly appreciated. It's created a tense atmosphere in the house.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks That really sucks that your father let you down so badly. Having different memories of the kind of father he was would be difficult to form a bond with other siblings later in life. As in he failed you but may have been a good father in your sibling's experience. That's so unfair you missed out on experiences with the other side of your family.

It never ceases to amaze me how some people (read: men) can have a family then forget them to make a new one, like the first never existed. I suspect these types of people are incapable of deep, true love. The people around them are just convenience & to keep them occupied.

All the best with navigating your adult relationship with them & making up for lost time

So Mil & Sil have never got on, have finally told each other what they think of each other & Mil thinks that no one should see Sil again?

How daft!

So MIL stuck up for her 7yr old GD-well that's just normal behaviour isn't it?

I'd be wary of both Mil & Sil tbh!

Hello - posting with an update (I've been out all morning at SIL's).

After the initial shirtiness, I tried again with MIL and asked how her head was doing (she had a headache this morning). She was much more normal with me then (probably tired when mono-sibyllic with my daughter). The mood was a lot lighter and as we were leaving she hugged me and said she loved me and I reminded her it was for the girls to have a play as we all live in different countries and it will be a good few months before we see them again (possibly next year if feud continues because if DH visits without me, he's less likely to take DD to see them).

He opened up a lot more and said his DM is really struggling with feelings of failure around what happened to PIL and the feud, along with her sister's illness so it's understandable it's all getting on top of her.

I did buy flowers on the way back and I did it because I wanted me & DD to remind her that we love & value her, and appreciate where she's coming from but the feud is more about other things. The DC had a really nice play in the garden today. They were initially a bit shy at first as they have probably heard accounts from their parents but as soon as they were in the blow up pool they were back to playing happily again so that was nice and I'm glad the time gap wasn't longer. DD said after she was really happy to have seen her cousins. SIL & I kept conversation very superficial (which is normal for us, we tend to keep things quite cordial). I think she was a bit nervous at first to see me given reason for the feud & my DH had initially said he would come and then pulled out.

It seems all fine for now. But I wanted to say a massive thank you for the support this morning. It could have gone either way (have only had one argument with MIL in the past and it got pretty tough) but appears to have de-escalated (I hope!).

Cracking update OP - fwiw you have played a blinder here

Fabulous update. Well done op for standing your ground.