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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS's pants & shorts found down the loo after swimming lesson

109 replies

BearBirdBaboon · 10/08/2022 23:50

AIBU that more should have been done about the incident I've detailed below? (Sorry, it's quite long.)

My DS has his swimming lessons at the pool of an independent school, where the swimming lessons are run by an outside company. The changing rooms are therefore the kind you get at schools, as opposed to leisure centres with lockers. My DS got changed before his swimming lesson and left his bag in the changing room during his lesson, as he has always done. When his lesson had finished, he couldn't find his pants and shorts. Another little boy found them in the loo and alerted a member of staff. My DS was clearly very upset by the incident.

The swimming instructors around that evening said they would report the incident to the regional director. I expected to have been contacted by the director within a few days of the incident, after an investigation. However, I was not contacted and it was not until I mentioned to DS's swimming instructor the week after the incident that I hadn't been contacted, that I was finally sent an email.

There were perhaps, at most, only three to five other families with boys who could have been in the changing rooms getting changed after their lesson, while my DS was having his lesson, so it wouldn't have taken much effort to have contacted those families to ask for details from potential witnesses and hopefully find the culprit. I'm furious that this was not done. This is an extract from the email I received:

"We have received reports back from the staff working at the pool that evening, and have tried to work out which children may have had access to the changing room at that time. The majority of children swimming were girls and for those boys who did attend we tried to ascertain which ones changed poolside with their parents and who was in the changing room. There was of course the young boy who reported the incident to our 'swimming instructor'. However, with absences we have been unable to 100% confirm who else including siblings or other spectators who may have been in there.

This is clearly upsetting for you and your son, and we do appreciate that. We have emailed parents who attend on that evening to reiterate the behaviour expected of everyone attending our lessons in the hope that a reminder might make the person responsible think about their actions. Beyond this we unfortunately can’t accuse anyone without being more certain that they may have been involved.

I know 'swimming instructor' suggested that it might be a good idea for your DS to bring his bag back to you on poolside once he is changed and collect it again on his way back to the changing room following his lesson - that way his clothes won’t be left unattended."

I don't feel enough has been done to ascertain who put my DS's clothes down the loo, which is truly disgusting behaviour. Is there anything I can do about this? If so, what? What would you do? (I would like to move them elsewhere, but having rung round, I've found that nowhere else can offer lessons at the time we're able to do them.)

OP posts:
CanaryShoulderedThorn · 11/08/2022 08:26

I hope they get to the "bottom" of it.

MaggieDragon · 11/08/2022 08:27

Their response is fine. What more do you expect them to do? They're a swim school, not the police, and what happened was a stupid prank not the Watergate scandal.

SuperCamp · 11/08/2022 08:29

A horrible thing to happen.

But I don’t think the response from the company has been inadequate or unhelpful.

Kids do stupid stuff they see as funny, I would present this to your son as an act of sheer stupidity, whilst understanding that he was upset. If you stop his lessons here in a big flurry of distress he won’t learn resilience.

Meanwhile stuffing my pants and shorts down the loo is exactly what I would have done as a child had I had an accident.

QueenWatevraWaNabi · 11/08/2022 08:29

Is there a reason this has upset you so much?

Well, presumably that her son's clothes were put in the toilet which is vile and I imagine is making OP see him as quite vulnerable. I think most people would be upset that there are no consequences, that everything is just continuing as normal, and that OP's child doesn't know what kid to ignore.

OP, I would take him out of these lessons. Even if there's a break now whilst you find an alternative. I don't think it's fair to expect him to be in the company of whoever did this without knowing who it was; that could be really unsettling.

ladydimitrescu · 11/08/2022 08:29

Yeah you're over doing this. You want them to take witness statements because a child was acting silly? I get it's annoying but come on. Let it go.

MsTSwift · 11/08/2022 08:32

A work colleague left her new wedding and engagement rings in the work loos. Went back to desk realised went back - gone. It was one of the 8 women seen going into the loo during that period. Security never found out who though. How could they?!

DorisWallis · 11/08/2022 08:34

Horrible thing to happen but I really can't see what else they can do
I'd take their advice about putting the clothes poolside and forget about it

SoupDragon · 11/08/2022 08:43

I think their response is absolutely fine.

GreenGreenGrass23 · 11/08/2022 08:45

This is going to make a rubbish Netflix documentary

You’re obviously very upset - reread some of the language you’ve used - so I would surmise there’s something else going on in your life or with your boy that’s making this such a huge emotional event. I hope you’re ok.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/08/2022 09:01

This is going to make a rubbish Netflix documentary

Or a ten part podcast where they do a deep dive into the swimming school, the private school it is based in, the town the school is in, every vaguely criminal act that has ever been committed within a 5 mile radius, and shoehorn them into a vague but sinister conspiracy theory. The podcast will then peter out with no answers.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 11/08/2022 09:08

I think they should all have to take their clothes poolside not just the OPs ds. If this were a case of bullying, him being the only one taking his clothes poolside will just single him out further and those who did it will know why and snigger.

liveforsummer · 11/08/2022 09:10

The pants were likely thrown by someone in the previous class who is unlikely to even know who they belong to. They could have even forgotten they've done it by now

Sswhinesthebest · 11/08/2022 09:10

One off it’s an annoyance. If there seems to be a pattern developing of your boy being targeted, then that’s the time to want results.

Sswhinesthebest · 11/08/2022 09:11

Don’t make it into a huge deal for your ds either. You want to teach resilience to one off hurdles he will encounter in life.

His reactions will feed off your reactions.

CounsellorTroi · 11/08/2022 09:22

TickTockBaby · 11/08/2022 08:05

@Soontobe60
I was referring more specifically to the minimising of such unkind events as a "prank".

I'm amazed this notion of minimising things by them being a joke or prank, is still parroted.

Yes. Seems the “boys will be boys” attitude is still prevalent.

Mischance · 11/08/2022 09:27

If your DS was being systematically bullied at a school he was attending and this prank was part of it then I would be demanding some proper action.

But this is a one-off at a swimming class, it has been looked into as best it can and you have the solution in your hands: keep his clothes with you during the lesson.

You are over-reacting to this, and I hope your DS is not witness to all this - what lesson is this teaching him? - certainly not resilience.

The boys responsible were wrong, that is clear, but everything that can be done has been. Move on and forget it.

SmallSoupcon · 11/08/2022 09:31

I'm amazed at the people saying this isn't bullying by insisting it needs to be repeated in order to meet some arbitrary threshold. It was done through meanness, to humiliate and upset - it's absolutely bullying.

I think the response from the organisation is actually very good, OP. But I would definitely be chatting openly with other parents about it. Bullying needs sunlight. Good luck and I hope your DS doesn't experience any more horrible incidents.

Bootothegoose · 11/08/2022 09:34

Realistically there isn’t much more you can do.

Put his name down for somewhere else and keep his bag with you at all times. Next lesson go up to the other parents and state you are going to put this behind you and reiterate how upset your son was, if it was any of your children please can you make sure it never happens again.

925XX · 11/08/2022 09:34

Good God! Its just a kid playing a prank! I would have forgotten all about it by now.

QueenWatevraWaNabi · 11/08/2022 09:44

Yes. Seems the “boys will be boys” attitude is still prevalent

Indeed. I suspect the responses might be different it was girls - less about it being a prank and putting up with it in the name of building resilience and more about Mean Girls.

Bootothegoose · 11/08/2022 09:51

925XX · 11/08/2022 09:34

Good God! Its just a kid playing a prank! I would have forgotten all about it by now.

How would you feel if someone threw your clothing in the toilet?

Pranks are not supposed to upset and humiliate people regardless of whether it’s a child or adult.

WisherWood · 11/08/2022 09:53

I don't feel enough has been done to ascertain who put my DS's clothes down the loo, which is truly disgusting behaviour. Is there anything I can do about this? If so, what? What would you do? (I would like to move them elsewhere, but having rung round, I've found that nowhere else can offer lessons at the time we're able to do them.)

It's a thoroughly nasty thing to do, but I think the reaction from them was proportionate. They've investigated, but they're not going to be able to find out who did it. So I would keep going to the swimming lessons. I'd keep the child's clothes with me rather than leaving them unattended. And I'd check that your son is OK. I'd monitor things to make sure it is just a one-off incident.

I do think that whilst it's nasty, unless it's targeted and repeated, it isn't actually bullying. If it happens again, then that starts to be a pattern of bullying and that's what you need to look for. I would also try to move on. Just use it as a life lesson that there are some idiots out there that you need to guard against, but that it's better not to let them get to you.

10HailMarys · 11/08/2022 09:56

it wouldn't have taken much effort to have contacted those families to ask for details from potential witnesses and hopefully find the culprit

Er, yes it would have taken a lot of effort, and it would have been totally fucking bonkers.

Someone played a stupid prank. This stuff happens. Nobody drowned. End of story. Move on.

zingally · 11/08/2022 09:57

Tbh, I think the email you received was very reasonable. They are right, there is no way to pin down the culprit for definite.

It is a nasty prank though, and for that reason, I'd be swapping venues for swimming lessons going forward.

LilacPoppy · 11/08/2022 09:59

Maybe Enid Blytons five find outers could help you out op.