To think our attitude towards the elderly is bad in the UK?

[Fifife]

Currently on holiday in Crete, it's my first time here. I can't believe the difference you see the very elderly all the time at the tavernas sitting relaxing with their friends and friends. Playing games together, laughing joking they seem to be very much still involved in society. It's made me sad , the elderly seem to become invisible at home. What could we do to change this ?

I also think our new ‘way of life’ - having kids much later in life, less of them, working mums, astronomical prices of everything - means people are not in a great position to treat the elderly like they are treated elsewhere. Adults are in much less of a position to care for elderly relatives.

There's also the possibility they aren't as elderly as they look! Sun exposure (and in some areas, really bloody hard work, often outdoors) can make people appear older than they are.

I think that our society as a whole is generally unwelcoming towards elderly people - how often do we see thread on here where 'babyboomers' is used as an insult, where an op complains about something their MIL/DM etc did, only to be told not to worry, they can get their own back when it comes to choosing a care home. Or an OP complains that their DM/MIL won't do enough/any free childcare and is told not to worry, they can use that as a reason not to offer any care for the older family member should it be needed. I am not talking about genuinely toxic relationships, but most of the time these threads are about normal day to day family life. We complain that older people have no understanding of life today and it's true, they often don't, but then we are unwilling to accept that their lives were just as difficult, in different ways, when they were younger. Maybe if we all spent a bit more time trying to understand each other, old or young, older people would feel more inclined to do the things the do abroad.

My mother lived in a detached house at the bottom of a cul de sac right on the outskirts of town. When she no longer wanted to drive she couldn’t maintain the busy social life she’d previously had and I think it did hasten her cognitive decline.

I see a link between isolation and cognitive decline very clearly among those family members who lived alone through the pandemic. Obviously it’s anecdotal, but I was talking to a local councillor , who was seeing the same thing in her elderly constituents.

It seems to be a case of use it or lose it.

We do not generally have multi-generational living in the UK , other than the Asian culture as previously mentioned.
Personally, I am very uncomfortable with the idea of living with MIL, and it was never my expectation that I would, but I could see how that could be better for her long term.

@Erictheavocado Your post is spot on, a bit of empathy from both sides would go a long way.

I'm 74 and my DH is 84, we have just been to water our allotment, we have to pump the water! We both attend classes, play bridge etc, and have a good social circle. My DH isn't particularly mobile and not allowed to drive anymore, but we manage. Our lives are made easier by the fact that we live in a London suburb with very good public transport, libraries, doctors and hospitals within easy reach. I never understand why people retire to the depths of th countryside.

It seems to be the ‘done thing’ for people of retirement age (or slightly younger) to move to the countryside or semi-rurally. This means they end up in quite isolated locations, harder for family to reach and where they end up staying home a lot. They basically ‘withdraw’ from the world. Their physical and mental health then declines quite rapidly as they don’t do much or really see anyone.

I was about to say the exact same thing. It's bizzare - they'd be much better off moving to city centres.

I live in the cotswolds and all of the villages are populated by old people. I rarely see a child in a village now. But these old people don't really mix - or if they do, it's to the village hall for coffee once a week.

Yes but the reverse is also true. I remember an English colleague of mine being super excited that her inlaws (fully retired) had agreed to take care of her DC one day per week! In my culture it's basically implied thr grandparents help in any way they can. You can't have it both ways: don't help your children once they are adults and then expect them to help out when you are old....

In my city there is a distinct lack of places to sit without buying overpriced drinks. Many benches have been removed from the waterfront area and parks over the years. Toilets are also scarcer, and dirty.

I particularly noticed this when I had temporary walking problems, and I know it deters DM from going out.

Let's be clear - 'adults' never cared for the elderly, women did. Nowhere seems to have solved the problem of how to care for older people outside institutions while also allowing women to have lives doing things other than caring for others.

Yes agreed @Hardbackwriter

Down in deepest darkest Surrey, where health and wealth is very high in the elderly, they are all out and about in their cars (scary), and always pack the pubs, garden centres, and coffee shops. In DM's road (she has since died), but they were all 85+ living independent lives, going on cruises, in choirs, musical instrument clubs (ukelele's seem popular), walking groups, yoga, you name it. As others have said, in certain parts of the country, they seem to be keeping the economy going!

Another one here who sees plenty of older people in the cafes and pubs and in various groups like WEA lectures, WI etc. There's also an impressive degree of neighbourliness in terms of looking out for/shopping for older people. Small rural town. However, a lot of it is not family - more friends - since families can often be far flung. In my own family we're mostly many hours away from each other but my great aunt, who lived close to 4 of her children and 6 grandchildren was brilliantly supported by them when she was frail.

What a stunningly naive remark. Not all older people are physically or cognitively able to get out and about.
Remember tho' on MN, old people are just waiting for the DCs of MN posters to grow up so tjey can provide care for them...

My skilled working class parents did nothing but moan about work in my childhood. in retirement they moan about the garden, putting out the bins, housework, getting the home food delivery into the kitchen.

They don't play any kind of role in looking after my kids and voted for Brexit despite both DH and I working across borders. Apparently the alleged threat of a European Army (we've heard this reason a few times from people too polite to be openly racist) was more important than our careers and industries.

My parents do hang out with a lot of other retired people of similar age, wealth and background, this helps insulate them further.

I journey through multiple emotional stages towards my parents having passed through respect, gratitude, tolerance, anger, ennui, duty and am now in indifference with boredom and resignation. I think i burned through grief a long time ago.

But I'm connected with lots of older people through a hobby - they all seem more balanced, more informed, more flexible and tolerant...... they warm my heart so its not a stone beating away in there.

There doesn't seem to be anything in between living independently at home or moving into a nursing home, unless you have lots of money.
Real care in the community - a nurse or doctor dropping in regularly etc has disappeared. The logistics of modern life mean adult children often don't live nearby or have to work full time to pay mortgages, long working hours and both partners having to work mean many neighbours don't know each other any longer.

It really is sad to see elderly people moving into care homes who, with a bit more support, could remain in their homes ir with family.

No, they couldn’t. Their homes are often the family homes they’ve had for years. Too big, stairs, steep driveways etc. They seem to get very emotionally attached to them and eventually end up in a vicious cycle of falling, hospital, back to unsuitable house, another fall. It costs the NHS a fortune.

And what family can live with them in their homes? Many are widowed, their kids have kids/jobs etc themselves.

There's some truth in this. But equally I would be socialising outside with my mates at the street cafes etc., if it didn't rain / wasn't freezing for 10 months of the year, followed by everyone complaining about the heat the other two months.

There is actually a lot of support where I live (UK) to allow people to stay in their homes for as long as possible, some people choose to go into residential care for social reasons as well as health ones, but even the type of accommodations available can vary, there are different levels of supported accommodation that can be accessed. There is a bigger problem of people who need full time support not getting it until their situation is dire.

It seems that way to me.
My neighbour spent 4 days trying to get an appointment with the GP with minor chest pains/palpitations which were very likely caused by stress. Phoned, was told to call again, then told to call at a certain time, then told to call at a different time, finally broke down on the phone and ended up in an ambulance. She just needed to speak to someone in the first instance instead of being fobbed off.

I see it a lot, older people being shoved out of the way in shops and streets, an ignored, but haven't ever seen it in other countries, where age is respected.

The attitude to many things in this country is disgusting.

and

@Jalisco yeah- I think the weather plays a big part in this discrepancy which probably actually isn’t as great as it appears. In Uk they are just socialising behind closed doors as too cold and wet. I guess depends what OP means by elderly but my parents are mid to late 70s and they and their friends are pretty active- DM plays tennis and does Pilates, goes to WI and book club and is active in the church. DF plays lawn bowls 5 days a week. They also have a dog and see people to chat to on their walks most days or arrange to walk with friends . But you wouldn’t see them sitting on a bench much. Their socialising is quite structured.

You only have to look at the posts on here. In the past week at least one poster has been a hair's breadth away from suggesting anyone over 70 should be killed off.

Must be that healthy Mediterranean diet!

I think there is possibly a bigger range of behaviours in the U.K. - so rich are off cruising (and the not so rich), fit and healthy are biking, going to the gym, but once you have health problems life will be more restricted.