What's "worth" worrying about?

[entropynow]

Not an argument but a difference of approach. DH always says he doesn't worry about things he can do nothing about. Yet to me those are the worrying things, otherwise I'd do something instead of worrying. Which of us is BU?

I agree with your DH.

My very wise father once told me to make a list of things you're worrying about, and to split that into things you do and don't have control over. And to get rid of the list of things you can't control. I'd rather Dave my concentration for things I can have an effect on.

Save. Who is Dave??

I try not to worry about things I have no control over and can't mitigate for.

I worry about things that I can do something about to prevent or minimise effect.

But to me, doing something is instead of worrying not as well as?

Can you give an example @entropynow ?

@entropynow You and DH are similar to me and my DH. I am an anticipatory worrier and DH will try not to worry until that thing happens if it does. Unfortunately your DH has a better mindset here, and I wish so much that I could be like my DH who will worry about something when it happens rather than worry about it possibly happening like I do.

I genuinely worry about issues that could happen in the future and to be honest it’s not the best way to be

They do say 90% of the things we worry about never happen

Possibly not the best example but the last thing was when DS2 was out of work. Had I been in a position to give him a job, I would not have worried. As I wasn't...

I agree with your DH.

Worrying about things you have literally no control over is bad for your mental health.

Plus, given the amount of things in the world that are out of our control, you'd have no time to do anything else.

Maybe we're working on different definitions of worry - I mean upsetting things that have happened, not future worries mostly.

I’m with your DH on this.

“Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.”

Your Dh is right. You are wrong. They teach you on all mental health courses that it's pointless to worry about things outside of your control.

However, not worrying doesn't necessarily mean “don’t think about it.” Rather than worrying you can make level-headed plans for how you would mitigate an event’s velocity or impact - in terms of practical things you would use or have in place (making a will, saving for funeral costs, having a discussion about who would care for your DC in the event of your death are all things most people do to practically mitigate their death, rather than worrying themselves sick that they might die and what of, for example), or thinking through how you would react and deal with your emotions if X or Y happened.

In a perfect world, you don't need to worry about anything long term.

The things that are out of your control aren't worth mentioning as you can't do anything about them anyway.

The things within your controlbe can be sorted out quickly, if they are bothering you that much.

Totally with your DH on this! It's the view of my DH too, I was like you originally - it was so so stressful and didn't help my mental health at all. I've managed to (over many years) get round to his way of thinking, it's so so much better imo. Less stressful, not spending my days worrying about things I cannot control and I genuinely think I'm a nicer person to be around if I'm honest.

His point is you are wasting time worrying when that's all you can do; worry.
What's the point in worrying (no action, just fretting) about something you can't change?

You say you should worry about these things but why? What does it achieve? Why "should" you worry about them? If you an answer this then all good but I'd bet my life you can't.

Worry is things that might happen in the future, rumination is things that have already happened.

It is fine to react to something that has happened - be sad/upset/frustrated but continued, repetitive negative thinking (rumination) can affect your mental health.

Its not a binary thing but more of a sliding scale - are you exhausting yourself with rumination? Is it eating up too much of your time and/or detracting from your enjoyment of life

thepsychologygroup.com/ruminating-thoughts-and-anxiety/

You SHOULD do something instead of worrying, anything in fact because worrying is doing literally nothing. So you say 'otherwise I'd do something else' and this is exactly your husband's point; spend your time effectively doing anything else instead of the thing you're doing, which is nothing. There are things going on you CAN sort out so concentrate on them.

But what's the point in worrying about things you have no power to control or change? Isn't that just a massive waste of time and energy?

In answer to your question - absolutely nothing.

Worrying is an utter waste of time and energy. Make things better or shut the fuck up.

grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
courage to change the things I can, 
and wisdom to know the difference

It is not as simple as “don’t worry about things you can’t control” as if you can simply say oh I can’t control that and turn a switch off.

it is clear that some people are worriers and others aren’t for the same thing.

latest research points to worriers being more “emotionally sensitive”. The theory is that if people have been in situations where traumatic or catastrophic things happened they have a heightened sensitivity to believe the worse or be overwhelmed by low level “fear of unknown” type situations.

Other research suggest that some people have too much stress hormone rocking around their body bought about by prolonged stress rather than a specific traumatic event . This causes a poorly regulated response to low level stressors that leads to excess “worrying”

and other research says we are just born with it. Lots of longitudinal studies looking at babies and children and tracking their development into adulthood. There is a strong indications that babies who have strong reactions to novel situations tend to grow up to be more anxious. These high-reactive babies also have a hyperactive amygdala as they grow older and greater increases in heart rate and pupil dilation in response to stress, compared to others

so it ain’t that easy to just turn off worrying because you can’t control a situation. The theory is quite right in that it doesn’t help anyone to worry if you can’t do anything about it - but it is not the point

i divorced last year and now face the full burden of decision making or picking up pieces when shirt hits the fan. I do get terrible anxiety since menopause and have had to learn since living on my own to meticulously distract myself from thinking about the situation for 12-18 hours. I will put a film on tv to fully immerse myself. Or Call a friend and meet up and not talk about it. Or go to an exercise class where I have to focus on instructions. Anything that doesn’t give me head space to even think about the situation. After 12-18 hours I find subconsciously I have got past the initial shock or upset and am less stressed. Less stress means I worry less. It doesn’t completely solve the situation but can help reduce the worry by reducing the stress.

Bet your life? That's rash 😀
In my DS' case, because he's autistic and has struggled with work all his life, and I love him. That do you?🤷

My mum always says the things you worry about the most never happen. It's the little surprises that get you !

Erm, okay?
Blimey, are you this aggressive all the time? Isn't that a bit of a waste of energy too?

I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘I don’t have control over that so I’m not going to worry about it’

DC going on a gap year abroad.
The outcome of a biopsy.
Inflation and how it will affect our finances.

None of these I can personally control but I think most people would worry about them?