What's "worth" worrying about?

[entropynow]

Not an argument but a difference of approach. DH always says he doesn't worry about things he can do nothing about. Yet to me those are the worrying things, otherwise I'd do something instead of worrying. Which of us is BU?

Worry is a completely wasted emotion and does more harm than good.

When you worry too much your brain goes into overdrive and you can’t think as clearly.

You can’t always help worrying but I try not to worry.
I say whats meant to be will be.
But try and find solutions of how to get out of a situation rather than worry and make myself ill.

I also find it difficult when people around me are worrying over something they can’t control.

@NoseyNellie
No, none of those, I'm mostly pretty positive. Just a few things, kids mostly.

Gut is right. Complete waste of emotional energy. Do something constructive like phone GP, a will making company, a friend for a chat. And then do yourself a favour and stop this pointless waste of time.

I disagree with @Sharrowgirl. Massively.

1. You can't do anything about the biopsy until you get the results. So no point worrying. You can look up all the possible results and all the possible actions and be prepared mentally after that is silly worrying about it.

2)Year abroad. What's there to worry about? Talk to your child. What to do if x happens. Join a group for suggestions of things to buy, insurances etc. after that any worrying is just a waste of emotional energy.

Well I worry about every bloody thing. Especially dd. Everything to do with dd all the time. I’ve aged 4x as fast since she was born 😅

I don’t let it affect my day to day as I’m so busy with work and school stuff and general parenting. But I do allow myself one evening a week after dd is in bed to sit down and drink wine and write down everything that is in my mind and try and find solutions. Sometimes I can’t and so will worry about those things some more! But it does help.

Find some sympathetic friends/family and ask them to hold on to your worries for a while, that helps as well.

I worry about two things and two things only

my children
the health of me and my family

I'm with your DH. If there's nothing I can do, I disregard it. If there's something to be done, or something I have done, then I worry. For example, I don't wake up in a sweat thinking, "X, Y or Z is bad and I can't do anything about it". Where would that end? But, I do frequently startle awake thinking, "Fuck! Have I done enough/the right thing about that?"

I'm not sure I understand what you mean when you say you don't worry about things you have control over; you just do those things. If you could give your son a job, wouldn't you worry about whether the opportunities and support you were offering were as good as they could be? Are you always confident that your decisions and contributions are perfect?

those saying they don’t worry

are you not a little bit worried about energy prices and the financial landscape in the coming months?

I'm not ill, I've made my will a long time ago, I have friends. Honestly I'm not sitting in a stew all day.

Not saying I'm perfect, of course not - unsure where you got that from. It was just an example, as was the last major thing where there was literally nothing I could do to help, beyond being suitably encouraging, of course.

Then if it’s not bothering you it’s possible that he just doesn’t want to hear about it (!) If you’re cool with your levels of concern and can discuss them with someone else as and when needed (friends, family) then you’re just different people who approach life differently.

Worry is an early warning system. Notice what is causing anxiety and take action. Then stop worrying because you’ve done all you can.

of course.

now i have an anxiety disorder, and finances are one of my triggers, but i've just been through a crap ton of CBT, and its taught me how to approach things that make me anxious.

First thing is to ask ... Is my level of worry/anxiety abnormal?
in this case, the answe is No, because its normal to be anxious about something like that.

Abnormal levels of worry/axniety would be the thought consuming my time day/affecting my mood/behaviour in a negative fashion.

If it just floats through my thoughts and i acknowledge its worrying, then let it go.. that is fine and a 'normal' way to handle it.

My brain automatically comes up with a risk assessment for every situation, including worst-case horrible scenarios. I used to get crippling anxiety worrying about things.

I’m a lot better now that my physical anxiety is under control (see Richard Grannon’s 5 finger mnemonic on YouTube- changed my life!)

I appreciate my brain for doing that now, because I can see 5 steps ahead of everyone else, even for a small scenario like asking to borrow something from my MIL (not worth the constant bringing up the favour as an excuse for other bad behaviour further down the line!)

I do the same as some PPs - work out if I can do anything about it and if not, try not to worry. Things that can be changed are a “problem” or challenge to be solved, and that’s life really!

I learned a trick from a lady on a podcast who said she “puts off” worrying for later, deciding “I’ll worry about that on Monday” if the thing she’s worrying about isn’t until next week.

I also believe in believing things will turn out okay, especially for my kids. Positive thinking does help psychologically.

It wasn't that he's been complaining at all. Maybe that's been the misunderstanding here with everyone assuming I'm a huge and constant worrier - I'm really not. It was something he said ages ago about something else and it just popped into my head today, that's all.

@entropynow ok, so talk us through what your thought/worry process. Right from the start, so how did you learn that your DS2 was out of work?

im wondering if some of your worry comes from the fact that when you voice worry, you don’t feel people are really listening to what your worry is, because they know you to be a worrier?

use this thread to tell us, it’s safe here

are you not a little bit worried about energy prices and the financial landscape in the coming months?

This is something most people can do something about though. DH and I were concerned about this so we sat down and went through all of our incomings and outgoings, cancelled some non-essential subscriptions, DH put in to do some overtime at work and we are generally looking at what we spend each week. We are hoping this will be enough, but if it's not we have discussed other options, selling our house and moving to a cheaper area.

I appreciate the situation will be different for everyone but once you have done what you can then there is no point in worrying about it as you cannot change it. You can save as much as you can, try to increase you income (we did consider taking second jobs) and make sure you are claiming everything you might be eligible for, other than that you just have to wait and see.

How does you worrying about your DS make it more likely he will get a job, or reduce the impact on him of not having one? It certainly doesn't reduce the impact on you, quite the opposite, it's affecting you mental health, possibly even as a consequence your physical health.

I bloody hate people who say don’t worry about things you can’t control. How the bloody hell are you just supposed to switch off a worry?

Made me laugh 😂

This. There's a distinction between "worry about" something and "planning for" something. It's absolutely pointless to worry about whether you are going to get a terminal disease.

But you can make sure that you have a will, life assurance and have planned for your children in the event that this happens.

@OriginalUsername2 thank you, that’s a really useful link.

100% this.

It has taken me years of therapy to start to unlearn the habit of expecting the worst. If you are lucky enough to be born with the ability to say 'I can't control it so I won't worry about it', recognise that ability for the gift it is.

Whether it's genetics, family history or a combination of both there are a lot of us out there who have abnormal responses to stressors. I know my reactions aren't normal and have no purpose, but if I just try not to have them, I'm simply replicating the unhealthy environment that I grew up in.

It's like telling the tide not to come in. You have to learn to accept that the tide will come in, and that eventually it will go out again, and probably the beach will still be there.

Don't let worry about tomorrow drain the joy from today is a mantra I'm starting to work to.

As an example...

Earlier this afternoon I was sitting in the cool shade on a glorious afternoon with my feet up on the edge of the raised pond, dog at my feet, friend beside me sipping a glass of chilled wine... God its wonderful. Looking forward to Thursday when I can do it again!

She however said "What are you going to do when the dog dies?" "Don't you get mozzies from the pond in the evening?" and finally... "you'll have to get rid of the pond you know when the grandkids come along" (my daughters are 20/21 and we had the pond before we had them!)

Don't know why she tries to get ME to worry as much as she does about possible future events.

But clearly “most people” can’t do anything about it. You only need to read or watch the news to see that.

or indeed open a lot of mumsnet threads I the money section