Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What's "worth" worrying about?

82 replies

entropynow · 08/08/2022 12:21

Not an argument but a difference of approach. DH always says he doesn't worry about things he can do nothing about. Yet to me those are the worrying things, otherwise I'd do something instead of worrying. Which of us is BU?

OP posts:
Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 16:56

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 08/08/2022 14:27

I bloody hate people who say don’t worry about things you can’t control. How the bloody hell are you just supposed to switch off a worry?

The reality is they’re talking bull shit

i don’t imagine these posters in a constant zen like state. Pretty sure any AS on most of them would bring posts and threads where they express worry about something

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 16:57

I’m pretty relaxed

Certainly no diagnosed anxiety or similar

but I find myself with the odd worry. Almost always about my precious two children or health.

Oblomov22 · 08/08/2022 17:16

It's not bullshit. That's offensive. Many posters have posted to say they don't worry, they think about it, action what they can, and then let it go.

DazzlePaintedBattlePants asked how you switch it off. If you read all the posts Of what people have said, you can read the suggestions of how they 'deal' with it.

AclowncalledAlice · 08/08/2022 17:34

I never worry about things I have no control over. What's the point? It changes nothing and just makes things more stressful than they need to be. I just deal with the situation as best I can.

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 17:35

Oblomov22 · 08/08/2022 17:16

It's not bullshit. That's offensive. Many posters have posted to say they don't worry, they think about it, action what they can, and then let it go.

DazzlePaintedBattlePants asked how you switch it off. If you read all the posts Of what people have said, you can read the suggestions of how they 'deal' with it.

I honestly can’t believe that any parent can just switch off when they have followed this process when they are worried about their child / children.

Oblomov22 · 08/08/2022 17:58

Endlessly. 1) It depends 'how' you worry. How does it affect you? What do you do, how do you behave? Of it damaging? Of not, no problem.
2) what exactly are you worrying about. You say health and children. What aspects? Specifically.

AclowncalledAlice · 08/08/2022 18:00

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 13:19

those saying they don’t worry

are you not a little bit worried about energy prices and the financial landscape in the coming months?

Not really. There are only so much I can do wrt to this, after that, it's out of my hands and getting myself all worked up about it isn't going to alter that. I'd rather use my mental energy on the changes I can make rather than waste it on worrying about what I can't change.

Oblomov22 · 08/08/2022 18:00

AclowncalledAlice has just posted, what many many others have posted. It's good emotional sense. Do you disbelieve that she doesn't do this?

AclowncalledAlice · 08/08/2022 18:01

Are? Is.

Oblomov22 · 08/08/2022 18:04

Why would you disbelieve her? Think that she doesn't behave this way?

The same way as many others.

MN is filled With angst ridden posters. Anxiety everywhere. Low self esteem. It's rare that a thread of this kind shows the balance, the other side - of non anxiety, non worriers.

I'm a thinker. I like to chew the fat, consider things, think about things. Consider why I did things. Why my ds's behave the way they do. What's the core issue and what can be done to redress the balance and smooth out the rough edges.

But. A worrier? Nope. I don't worry.

Oblomov22 · 08/08/2022 18:07

I agree with Alice. Why would I fucking worry about the world, the business recession, energy prices in October. As a pp asked. Why worry? What good does that do. We have read up on it, Dh and I talked about it, might make minor changes if we can. Other than that why fucking worry? seriously, what is the point?

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 18:09

Oblomov22 · 08/08/2022 18:07

I agree with Alice. Why would I fucking worry about the world, the business recession, energy prices in October. As a pp asked. Why worry? What good does that do. We have read up on it, Dh and I talked about it, might make minor changes if we can. Other than that why fucking worry? seriously, what is the point?

And your children?

are you always able to simply think - well nothing I can do.

and that just works in switching off the worry when it comes to your children?

Oblomov22 · 08/08/2022 18:14

I don't understand Endlessly. Please give an example of your child or a health issue that you worry about.

Of course I have minor problems with dc. But no worry. Because I action it, I do something about it. Ds2 had a case of bullying by x best friend. He didn't care. I did. I thought about it very carefully. I then phoned HoY. End of. No worry.

Oblomov22 · 08/08/2022 18:15

What's the worry? Give an example of something that you worry about?

Heroicallyl0st · 08/08/2022 18:18

entropynow · 08/08/2022 12:27

But to me, doing something is instead of worrying not as well as?

Doing is acting
Worrying is a feeling

We can act and feel at the same time. And acting and feelings don’t need to match up - it’s more comfortable if they do match up, but it’s also quite common to feel one thing and do another.

Maybe it’s a language issue between you and your DH.

AclowncalledAlice · 08/08/2022 18:19

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 17:35

I honestly can’t believe that any parent can just switch off when they have followed this process when they are worried about their child / children.

Show quote history

Many years ago DD ended up in hospital and needed emergency surgery. Was I scared? Of course I was. Was I worried? No, the surgeons knew what they were doing so I put my trust in them. If you spend your life worrying about what could happen to your DC then you will just end up a neurotic mess which is no good to either you or your DC.

GreatBigBeautifulTommorow · 08/08/2022 18:37

My user name is ironic as I’m one of life’s worriers and think the worst in every situation.
it’s exhausting and I’m seeking therapy.
I recognise worrying doesn’t change an outcome but my brain won’t get on board with not worrying.

id love to be like the posters who don’t worry.

SandieCollins · 08/08/2022 18:38

JorisBonson · 08/08/2022 12:23

I agree with your DH.

My very wise father once told me to make a list of things you're worrying about, and to split that into things you do and don't have control over. And to get rid of the list of things you can't control. I'd rather Dave my concentration for things I can have an effect on.

I have worked in mental health for a very long time and spend a lot of time doing this with people!

GreatBigBeautifulTommorow · 08/08/2022 18:40

@SandieCollins is the idea that once you’ve done actions about the worry even if it doesn’t solve it, you let it go?

how do you let it go?

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2022 18:42

My criteria for worrying is whether it will matter in ten years time. Very few things meet it.

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 18:53

Oblomov22 · 08/08/2022 18:14

I don't understand Endlessly. Please give an example of your child or a health issue that you worry about.

Of course I have minor problems with dc. But no worry. Because I action it, I do something about it. Ds2 had a case of bullying by x best friend. He didn't care. I did. I thought about it very carefully. I then phoned HoY. End of. No worry.

My 17 year old son, in a car with 3 of his friends and the driver is newly qualified 17 year old, driving on country roads.

that would not “worry” you?

My daughter, going off on a residential knowing that she was having serious friendship issues and it was developing in to low level bullying.

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 18:54

So much of parenting is out of our control

so does that mean you never worry because you accept it’s out of your control?

Oblomov22 · 08/08/2022 19:11

Endlessly, well no none of those things would worry me. Why should they?

  1. What sort of personality is your ds? Is he sensible, strong? Is the boy he's in the car with a calm sensible driver? If not why would your son be in a car with him, or even friends with him? Have you talked to your son about this. What does he say?

  2. Either let dd go. Or don't. Talk to her. How does she feel. Speak to HoY. Talk to her about going and enjoining. Talk about worse case scenario. Tell her that if the worst comes to the worst she'll phone you and Your'll come immediately.

Then you've thought about it, actioned it, done all you can. You then put it bed and don't worry about it.

user1497207191 · 08/08/2022 19:13

There really isn't any point in worrying about things you have no control over.

The best you can do is concentrate on what IS within you control and put yourself in as best position as possible to deal with the stuff you have no control over.

AclowncalledAlice · 08/08/2022 19:30

Oblomov22 · 08/08/2022 19:11

Endlessly, well no none of those things would worry me. Why should they?

  1. What sort of personality is your ds? Is he sensible, strong? Is the boy he's in the car with a calm sensible driver? If not why would your son be in a car with him, or even friends with him? Have you talked to your son about this. What does he say?

  2. Either let dd go. Or don't. Talk to her. How does she feel. Speak to HoY. Talk to her about going and enjoining. Talk about worse case scenario. Tell her that if the worst comes to the worst she'll phone you and Your'll come immediately.

Then you've thought about it, actioned it, done all you can. You then put it bed and don't worry about it.

Pretty much what I was about to post.

All parents worry to some degree about their kids, but it's when to worry and when to just accept certain situations when worrying will make not a jot of difference. Worrying about "what if's" rather than "what will" is not good for your health in the long term. There will always be "what if's" when it comes to parenting but focus on the "what will's" and it becomes much easier.