To say “just speak b***** English”

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Ok, don’t panic
I work in hospitality, in England. We get our fair share of people who don’t speak English as their first language, or at all, and that’s absolutely fine. I only speak English but we get by.
But … we have one regular customer who is English, speaks English all the time to his friends, but finds it funny to come to the bar to order his food/ drink and insists on speaking Spanish/ French or whatever he’s decided to show up with today - tbh I can’t even tell the difference. He then insists on talking me through exactly what he said, as if I’m an idiot, despite holding other customers up behind him.
Now, I’m not actually going to tell him to f* off, but I SO wish I could 😂
So would IBU to do so, given that “the customer is always right, even when they are being a dick”?

or this

French, you say? Does he look like this by any chance? Mange tout, mange tout.

Good one! Please say that to him, OP! 😂

Or "Que?"

That would drive me up the wall!

I live abroad but speak the local language well. Sometimes people come up to me and speak really slowly like I'm stupid. I just do it back to them and they definitely find it annoying.

So, yeah, when he speaks to you in his slow English, do that back to him like you're not sure he can understand you. It will get the message across.

Next time she does it I would memorise, either in French/Spanish - preferably in both.

'My Mum is Spanish/French, I understand what you're saying but your grammar is appalling and your butchered accent is very difficult to understand.'

If she offers a look of surprise, convert back to English and very slowly repeat the above in English. Finish with an Adios or Au Revoir.

This

or a pitying smile to someone waiting about how “he always has a different language to order in, he forgets he’s English some days, bless him. DONT YOU SIR??? “ with a sad nod.

I would simply say “I’m terribly sorry; I don’t understand you - Next!”

Are there any staff who speak Spanish or French? If so I'd just say, "I'll get X to deal with you today" and have them speak really really fast in that language.

Just serve him the shittest thing on the menu and tell him that's what he ordered.

Learn the phrase “F* off you tedious fart” in Japanese. Say it to him. When he asks you what it means, just smile and thank him for his order.

Keep saying “can you repeat that slowly?” And “Again please” and only catch his order after a minimum of four attempts, then bring him the wrong food. And indulgently enjoy “his little joke” when he tries to complain. He’s such a character! Ha!ha!

"I'm sorry, there's other customers waiting. If you'd like to do your little language game I'm happy to play along once everyone else is served."

how clever you can speak so many languages but if you want to continue this unfortunately you will have to wait until I can get someone to serve you who understands your version of - what language is that again? Next!

I work in retail & we get customers like this (obviously slightly different as I’m on a till in a well known store). Trying to be clever. I really have to bite my tongue sometimes! I ask “ Would you like a bag?” & they point to their wife/partner quipping “ No I brought one with me”. Oh my sides are splitting Sir!

Lo siento señor, pero estamos cerrada

Desolé monsieur, mais le bar est fermé

Have you asked him ‘why are speaking Spanish to order your drink?’
Not out of genuine interest just as a polite why of saying ‘this is fucking weird, what are you doing?’

"You're aware that since the UK has left the EU we only accept orders placed through English, so what'll it be, Sir?"

Or go with one of the other suggestions.

can you not refuse to serve him and tell your boss why

no the customer isnt always right

This wouldn't work as it's not true and it's xenophobic to other customers plus if recorded could also get her the sack

I'd say when he starts get your phone out, Google voice traslate what he says.

Either it's shit French and you can say even the translator doesn't understand you.

Or it works and you order exactly what it says on the phone even if it's wrong.

Thanks all
You have restored my faith in humans 😂

Ugh. My boss does similar thing. My parents live in France. Every time they are mentioned or I go to visit them or Co.e back from visiting them, or even jsut randomly sometimes, he talk to me in French. I don't speak French. I'm not learning and I'm not interested. Every time I have to say, 'As you know I don't speak French'. It is so tiresome.

If I were you, Every time I saw him approach I'd be busy with something else and ask a different staff member to serve him.

I’d just say ok and get the order wrong and when he complains in English (hopefully to the manager) ask why he spoke in a different language when he can speak in English.

I’d keep doing this until he got the message.

It does sound like he has MH issues so I would tread carefully.