Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

[Sparklybutold]

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

I empathise with you OP, I really hope you’re ok 💐

I think some posters are reading the list of traumas you outlined in your OP (I’m sorry you went through all that) and assuming that you offloaded all of that onto your friend. It doesn’t sound like you did. It sounds like you explained a few things in a relevant context because you were trying to let your friend get to know you.

You might have misjudged it, it’s difficult to say. It’s not necessarily ‘trauma dumping’ though. I don’t think trauma survivors should have to feel like we can’t ever talk about our lives.

In terms of moving forward with the friendship…

For me it would depend on whether she was asking questions and seeming interested in your life experiences then suddenly pulled the rug out from under you. That’s really unfair, and not someone I would want to be around again. It’s true that everyone’s allowed to draw boundaries, but it’s shitty to
make someone think they’re in a safe place to share then reject them once they do. If she was encouraging you to share your experiences then it’s not ‘trauma dumping’ at all, and I can definitely understand why you’re angry.

If she was going quiet, trying to steer the conversation into other topics or giving you other signals that she was uncomfortable and you carried on anyway, then it’s you that’s been unfair. If that’s the case then it’s probably worth you going back to therapy to explore why you did that.

Either way, be kind to yourself as you process it. Figuring out how and when to share stuff with friends is one of the hardest things about recovery. Total disagree with the people saying ‘keep it in therapy’. It’s ok to share stuff with friends when you’re both comfortable with it.

Fine, don’t use the word triggering. There’s still polite and sensitive ways to say things.

I’ve been an absolute dick to people in the past when I’ve been in a bad place mentally. My trauma doesn’t make that OK. Neither does yours.

OP, you weren't sharing you were trauma bonding. That is not a healthy foundation for any relationship.

Further, when you 'floodlight' someone with your trauma and they are not in a place to listen or absorb, which is perfectly fine by the way, you are effectively shining a torch in their face and forcing your trauma on them.

Your history is clearly very painful but no one has to listen to it; unless they want to and feel ready to.

Yes!!

I've enough problems of my own (which I deal with privately) to listen to someone else's all the time.

Not really. It's just one topic on a message board. I don't think you can infer anything about somebody's general personality or behaviour. Message boards are so depersonalised and often heated it's a futile exercise.

Hahaha! This really couldn’t be further from the truth but ok, if it makes you feel better you can imagine my life like that.

Yep. Because apparently other peoples trauma isn't relevant when someone else wants to talk about theirs. It doesn't matter if they find it hard, upsetting or uncomfortable, as long as the person discussing their trauma is alright.

@TedMullins youre being a dick right now on this thread. Hth.

But you can't know what people want
when my dad was dying, I was so grateful to the people who didn't mention it, just asked "how are you". Otherwise it would have been three months of "how is your dad?" "Ooh, fading by the day, it's horrific".

when I wasn't looking after him, I was relieved to be away from it and to have the chance to talk about something else.

There is no "trumps" - what an awful outlook to have.

You sound like the type of person boundaries are needed for, as you believe you can inflict upon other people because your needs "trump" someone else's. They don't.

This is unhealthy and I highly suggest therapy to work through this.

I would never expect anyone to listen to me talking about the awful things I've been through - I would consider that abusing/using your friends. Pay a therapist.

Well, I do agree with this. But if Ted Mullins is radically different in real life, to how she's coming across here - I'd be surprised, put it that way.

This is AIBU and of course the conversation has become very heated and emotive.

One very good resource for people with childhood trauma is the Crappy Childhood Fairy (silly name!) on youtube. In fact I bet she's done a video specifically about disclosing your trauma.

Massive hugs to all survivors.

@TedMullins

Pretty much everyone on this thread has shown a lack of empathy to trauma survivors.

Many of us are trauma survivors.

You don't seem to think anyone else's trauma is valid and just told me that if I said to someone I'm sorry but I don't feel able to discuss the topic of rape as it's too raw and triggering, it is only acceptable if I disclose my own trauma, give a reason you deem valid in a tone you deem valid.

Your attitude to other trauma survivors is disgusting. You aren't the trauma police.

This thread has become all about you because people are staggered at your lack of awareness for how people's needs when it comes to their own trauma. You said outright that yours comes first.

Congrats on the merail.

@Miffee .
People are giving advice to op. Not going on about themselves constantly post after post like @TTedMullins . Dismissing everyone because their views don't match . Just because a minority are comfortable telling randoms about what they have suffered doesn't mean the majority are and the majority shouldn't be Dismissed either. @TedMullins really cannot see or take on board a different view point and that shows more about them than they realise.

@Hereforaccountability yes! Crappy childhood fairy has some great resources!

OP you may benefit from looking at her site. I totally stole her mine about friends not being able to fill the whole your parents left!!!!!!!

Maybe if everyone just calmed down and accepted a difference of opinion and stopped throwing names at me like abuser and narcissist I wouldn’t have to keep responding and talking about myself. Okay, I don’t have to but I’ve got a quiet morning at work and I’m procrastinating.

People who don’t want to talk about or hear about trauma are absolutely entitled to lead their life that way. I actually have no interest in trying to change their opinion. Crack on. But that’s not how I operate and I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by equally open people where we can share things and support each other.

You might not like the fact I think it’s self-absorbed to demand someone stops sharing, or that I don’t go around assuming someone might have trauma they haven’t told me about. That’s fine! I don’t expect everyone to like me and that isn’t my goal in life. I probably wouldn’t like you either. It doesn’t matter. I respect your approach to bottling up trauma works for you. It doesn’t for me and we wouldn’t be friends. But I deserve the same respect in return.

Please stop attacking people, particularly those who have been through trauma. Don’t try to invalidate their feelings and silence them like this. The poster is not obtuse she is correct.

Quite.

I actually feel quite shocked that someone who has been through the same would speak to me that way.

@TedMullins I'm sorry you were also raped, it's an horrific experience and I'm pleased you feel you've worked through some of the trauma.

Maybe if you were 'courteous' you'd have said similar to me as a fellow victim rather than telling me that you would only accept my boundaries if I asked for them in the right way and if I didn't I would be self absorbed.

I would suggest reading back this thread when you're calmer and thinking about why you've behaved that way to other people who have suffered trauma.

You don't seem to think anyone else's trauma is valid and just told me that if I said to someone I'm sorry but I don't feel able to discuss the topic of rape as it's too raw and triggering, it is only acceptable if I disclose my own trauma, give a reason you deem valid in a tone you deem valid.

thats absolutely not what I said. I said there are ways and means of saying you don’t want to discuss something and having trauma doesn’t mean you can’t be courteous about it.

I think the fact that your friend has actually mentioned this, and clearly finds it distressing, suggests that you are talking about things a lot more and in a lot more detail than perhaps you think you are. It doesn't sound to me like you're just mentioning things in passing 'for context', however much it might feel that way to you.

In your follow-up posts you say that you don't think it's fair that you have to self-censor or be silent about things and that you had years of having to hide everything so don't see why you should have to hide things now as well. It's understandable that you feel that way, but it does also come across as if you want a reaction when you mention these things. If someone is shocked or saddened when you mention something you've been through, that's validating your own feelings about it and evoking sympathy and reassuring you that yes, these were awful things to experience. Again, that's understandable. But you also need to consider that other people are individuals in their own right, and they are not there to validate you, or ease your anger/shame. You have no idea what might be in your friend's past. She clearly finds certain subjects upsetting, and there could be all sorts of reasons for that. You seem to feel that it's tough shit if other people find your experiences hard to hear about, because you actually had to go through them and therefore it's your right to share them - and yes, again, that feeling is understandable. But it's also not fair. You had distressing experiences, and now it's almost as if you resent the fact that other people haven't and want them to feel some of what you felt by talking about it a a lot.

Your posts are all very much about your feelings and what you want. Your friend also has feelings and she has every right to set some boundaries in what she does and doesn't feel comfortable talking about it.

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

I don't think its a matter of tolerating the not so nice parts of you, op. There aren't any not so nice parts. You've had traumatic, hideous childhood experiences. My Mum's family history reads like a Greek Tragedy, but it was only over decades that I gradually started to piece together the full extent of it. I think you need to give it time, and maybe consider that not all friends are going to be confidantes. Some are, because that will be the nature of your relationship. Some friends will be more....in the present. It's not necessarily a bad thing.

I have lots of friends who I would never discuss my family history with. We just don't. On the other hand, I have friends of many years standing where details of both our pasts/family history have emerged over the course of years of conversation. I know you feel hurt and shut down, and not accepted as you, but your friend may be needing time to process the information about your childhood which you have already given her. Either because it is so far removed from her own experience, or because she finds it triggering. Let the friendship develop a bit first. If you are asked a question to which your honest response can only be something which she has indicated will be unsettling to her, don't deny your experience. Say something along the lines of 'you probably wouldn't want to know'. She will either leave it there or not. You know your truth. Lack of receptiveness to it by others does not invalidate it or you.

I agree. I have trauma in my past that I only share with very close friends, I really don't feel comfortable sharing it with a new friend. I wouldn't feel able to say 'sorry this is a difficult subject for me' because it would be obvious that I had issues around it and I would be afraid they might ask about it.

Some people are more private than others, and that's ok. Of course it's important to be able to talk, but to the right people. I've got quite a few friends I wouldn't share the details of my trauma with because we're not close like that- that doesn't mean they're not worth bothering with IMO, just that those particular friendships are more for fun drinks in the pub instead of heart to hearts.

@wellhelloitsme Trauma police is a good word for it

Clearly people respond to trauma in many different ways, these should all be respected rather than anyone thinking their own approach is the only 'morally sound' one

OP might never come back now but if you are still reading OP I hope it's still helpful, in terms of understanding why your friend might have said what she did and probably not trying to hurt you.

You are (inadvertently) putting discomfort on your friend. She is not qualified to listen and respond to your awful experiences. It doesn't mean she doesn't care, she just feels overwhelmed. X

It's not just you.

And you'll notice the absence of any 'I'm sorry that happened to you' from a particularly merailing poster, showing an absolute absence of empathy.